DR Chapter 2 - Think Small

[marc_d]

Missy, thanks so much! Im so happy im getting more feedback. It is such an amazing help, even though I dont know you all persoanlly. I know she is going through a lot of things now, and we saw eachother like 4 times last week due to the holidays. One night I had to drop off a gift and she was very happy to see me it seemed and even started talking to me as I was half way out the door.

I saw her again at her Mom's 50th B-day party on Friday and it went well. I made her laugh and was always upbeat. They made all of the guests fill out a memorable time with her mom and my GF read mine and thought it was so very, very sweet and she read it aloud. I was a little embarrassed but I hope she took it to heart.

I hope she is noticing how much more upbeat I am with her. I have made drastic improvements and I just wish her family would get off her back about me not being around as much. I know its hard for them to not question since they arent familiar with our seperation but its draining on her.

I bought her a just because card today to send to her at work this week because she is going to be very busy since she had off all last week. It just basically says Im always there for her when she needs me. I didnt wanna get too mushy or too plain.

As for moving away from her family, Im more than fine with doing that. Its mostly her oldest sister that likes to meddle and I would love to move far far away from her! ha ha.

Anyways, Happy new years to all! Thanks for the support!

[marc_d]

Ok, I forgot to mention some things. Well, after her Mom's B-day party we went back to her place. She went upstairs to use the restroom and I sat down in the family room and watched TV with her sisters expecting her to come back down.

After a while, she didnt so I went up to her room and saw her playing video games. I made a comment and said I was waiting for her downstairs and was surprised she didnt tell me she was staying up in her room. I didnt say it rude, I was pleasant and joking and she just said it was a spur of the moment thing.

Anyways, as I said in my previous post, I was upbeat that night and played gamed with her and joked around more and her sister and her BF played with us also. We all played for a while then quit. She started to pluck her eye brows and do girly stuff as I got ready to go. I said goodnight and that was it.

Im a little upset because she didnt even really look at me as I left. She was just looking into her mirror and went on with her own business. I was hoping she would walk me to the door too. I know in our relationship she hardly ever walked me to the door but she would at least give me a proper farewell. Also, since our break, it seems as though she usually walks me to the door. And 2 times last week she was watching me as I walked to my car and I looked back at her too.

Oh, and another thing! I asked her a while ago to see the new Lord of the Rings movie with me and she said she wanted to wait until the theatres wont be so crowded and she had things to do with her mom visiting last week which I understood. Anyways, at dinner Friday it came up and she said she would probably see it with a bunch of friends in the City. Of course I said something because I asked her first but I didnt get angry. She said she was probably gonna see it several times. with me and her friends, and she brought up the fact I saw the "Last Samurai" without her a few weeks ago.

I was surprised that it seemed to bothered her enough to mention it because she seems fine with doing things without me. I said well you saw the last Matrix movie without me and she said she thought I already saw it and I said I went to see it after I found out she already watched it.

I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like there is some major misscommunication going on which is why I brought it up. I dont want to get into a Relationship talk, but I feel like we are not being open with eachother and Im afraid it might do more harm than good. Im so confused.

[marc_d]

Well, I told my counsler last night all about my X-mas week events and she mentioned the idea of talking to my GF about things. Not necessarily the realtionship, but to ask her if I am giving her the space she wants or if she would be happier if I did something else.

Im just so torn. I dont feel like Im getting the progress I am looking for. I just dont see the baby steps progressing like I thought they would. Well, I might make changes to this and I dont even know if I will tell her this yet, but I wrote up a letter to read to her if I decide to talk to her about things. Suggestions are greatly appreciated and Im sorry I ramble on so much.


I just want to say Im sorry for the way I have acted in the past. I know all you wanted was some time and space to get a social life of your own so you wouldn’t feel like you depened on me and I was being selfish by not accepting that, and by questioning your actions. In the beginning I know It was wrong of me to keep asking you for an update on when we would be back together when you told me we would, you just didn’t know when. I was blind to see that my actions were prolonging it all. Instead of truly thinking why things were the way they were by putting myself in your situation and respecting your wishes, I acted out of fear and my own insecurities which caused me to act on my emotions most of the time. I am telling you this because I feel my actions built up a mis-trust over time and it kills me knowing the mistakes I have made and the damage it has done to the bond we shared. I know a several months ago I came to you and told you I respected your wishes and would do my best to do what is needed of me and be there when you needed me but it wasn’t sincere enough on my end. Yes, I deep down wanted to mean every word I said to you and in a way I did but I did not have the tools or the knowledge as I do now to deal with my emotions.I just want you to know how terrible I feel for going back to the old ways after making such a strong statement, and I hope you noticed that within the past 2 months I have stopped my negative behaviors which I did in the past. I felt as though I needed to show you I can change my behavior before I told you this again since I faltered very shortly after the last time I said these words. We cant undo what has happened, we can only work better together in the future regardless of where we stand. After having said this, I just want to know how you feel about the way I have been recently? Am I giving you the space you are looking for, would you like more space from me, or do you wish we could be more open to communication or spending time together as friends? I want you to be happy and will do what it takes because I want to be your best friend again, and that is what best friends do for eachother.

[marc_d]

Sorry for my many long posts. I like to make short stories long. Its something my GF always joked about with me. =) Anyways, I just called her to say Hi and wish her a happy New Year befor she got busy today.

First I asked her about work cause she was out last week and I knew she had dealines today. I let her tell me all about her work problems and we also broke into some other topics.

I hear her typing in the background and she told me people are saying hi to her on AOL and it bothered me that she was stopping to talk to her friends over me but I kept it inside. I dont want to be the jealous controlling type anymore.

Well, we spoke briefly about a ski trip that is coming up our friends were planning for January 10th and she asked if I was going and I said yes. She said she couldnt afford it. I offered to pay only because she paid for me to ski once last year. She said thanks but she and her friend is planning another ski trip for February 7th and said I can pay for her then. Im happy she is asking me to come with her and her friend. Im very happy! Also hopefully her sisters will not come.

We talked about a few more things and then I wished her a happy new year and she said, that she would talk to me later cause she said she knows I usually call her right after midnight and she also said she is leaving work early and hinted she might call me, but I wont expect that.

In all, it was very pleasant and I didnt ask her out for this weekend yet. I didnt want to jinx my good luck. Ill see if I might ask her tonight. Tough choices!

Well, hope to hear from you guys about this!

[marc_d]

Well I was a little scared because it seemed that there was such a drought since she used to contact me more often and it slowed up a lot. Anyways, Ill try to make this short.

I called her last night after the ball dropped and wished her a happy new year and we had a good 15 minute conversation.

Today, she called me earlier to see if I wanted to meet for lunch but I missed her call and she called back later. We then talked for 50 minutes!! Lots of joking and laughing and regular talk. This hasnt happened in the past 7 months!!! Im so happy. =) Anyways, she hinted for doing something but she was tired. I told her to let me know if she wants to go out later and that the ball is in her court.

She is taking a 1 hour nap and I have to call her to wake her up and I hope we can see eachother but I will be grateful for what I had today. Wish me luck everyone!

[marc_d]

Ok, well she coudlt get up so I had to call her again later. Unfortunatley she was a little grouchy the next time because she was still tired but didnt want to sleep anymore. We talked for a bit until I was sure she was awake then I got off the phone. I was a little down that this conversation was probably going to be our last for the day. But to my surprise, she called me again later to ask me to go out with her to Dunkin Donuts. We hanged out for almost 2 hours and went to Barnes and Nobles too.

We talked a lot, nothing serious but I was joking with her and just having good conversation. She made a comment about us being on a break during a conversation regarding telling her family about us. In a way Im glad she is still using the word break because its very temporary. Well, Im happy I saw her, even though I wish we hanged out longer but she was tired so I left after I dropped her off.

Im hoping to see her this weekend. If I dont hear from her, Ill probably ask her out. I just want to think of something original to do. Wanna show her a good time. Well, wish me luck everyone!

[marc_d]

Well, on Friday she called me on my way home from work just to ask me a few things and we talked about some other stuff. Made her laugh a little.

She called me once again around 12:30 at night for no real reason but to talk and she mentioned the idea of going to IKEA today. We kept it light again and I didnt talk to long because I was eating and told her I wanted to go before my food got too cold and she was gonna make something to eat too. (we both get hungry late)

Well, I called her to see if she wanted to still go and she didnt, but she still wants to go out to the mall and Ill see what else we do. Im gonna try to pull for a movie and dinner so wish me luck please!!

I know her sisters arent around for the past few days and she might be bored, but I dont care. Im taking advantage of the sitution and the other day when she called and we talked for an hour, she could have called another friend but she wanted me. And she has been sounding so much like her old self on the phone latley. Well, Im not giving up. I will keep the fight strong!

[marc_d]

Well, we just went to the mall and had something to eat there, then we went back to her place and played some video games.

Afterwards, she was telling me how her father was on bugging her if she was still going out today with me. I basically said Im sorry for that and I hope she can not take it out on me. Well we kind of got into a mini Relationship conversation, but it wasnt bad. It was basically me telling her how much Ive learned and how I appreciate her situation and Im always there to support her and how I was sorry for being pushy in the past.

She even said she probably would have been the same way I was and she said that she is planning on telling her family we are on a break this month. And she made a comment that this could be something we both needed. It seemed like she meant it as this break could be good for US . I hope thats what she meant. Well, we talked for a while. I even asked her if I have been doing a good job of not pressuring her and maintaining a good distance and she said I was. At the end she said it was a good talk.

I feel like I needed to show her this supportive side of me again. Even though she is still determined to move out of her parents house and get a new job, I think I can make this work if I keep showing her who I can be for her. The only thing that bothered me was her saying when she moves out, she doesnt plan on coming to new jersey often to visit her family and such. Well, she doesnt even have her own place yet so I wont worry about that. Ill just keep my goal in sight and with whatever time I have before she makes the move, I hope to influence her as much as I can. Please pray for me everyone!

[marc_d]

Hey everyone. I called her last night around 1:30 because I was upset and thought of some more things I wish I said to her when we talked and I just really missed her. I didnt get emotional and question her coming back to me or working on it, it was basically more of the same as before.

One thing that is positive is she said again how she would have reacted just like me and I said I was sorry it jjust took so long for me to realize what I was doing and she said she is not going to be like, "well its too late". Im hoping that she means it and she doesnt feel like its too late.

The only other thing I wish I said, and Im not trying to get dirty here, but I brought up the conversation of trimming down below and she asked if I shaved it all off and said no, I wouldnt do that unless requested. and she asked if I would do that if my girlfriend (imaginary) asked me to. I told her I cant answer that because I cant think of showing anyone my business. But I wish I said to her, I cant think of it because Im planning on looking for a girlfriend.

I just want her to know that I want to use this time to grow but not look for another relationship. I dont know why Im so upset right now. She called me like crazy the past few days and I guess its because I am having a little touch of what I used to have and Im dying for more. I just hope I didnt scare her off by our conversation last night. She seemed fine with it and not mad at me. I dont know.

I just wish I had more people to hang out with to get my mind off of things. I feel so alone at times and these times are the worst. I know I can go out by myself but it will still just make me think about everything. I feel like breaking down right now. The worst part about this is not having anyone to go to.

I always could go to her for my problems, now I feel so alone. I know I need patience. I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs right now! Im so angry and upset that this is happening to me! Well, I doubt anyone will read this anyways. It seems like I just type here for a journal these days because I get no feedback. It would be nice to hear from someone.

[Trying_To_Save_It]

There are a lot of positives going on in your sitch.
She's definitely not made up her mind about anything. It seems you do you have power to influence her decision.

I know the feeling of patience. I know I need it greatly for my sitch, but it is very hard when your living
minute by minute. I laugh when people tell me to "just take it one day at a time." I can't even get to that stage at the moment.

Just think of all the reasons why she left, and all the problems that you two have in your relationship, and start working on fixing the parts that are in you. Don't tell her about them, just do it. She'll notice.