Hey everyone. Well I made a little mistake but not with my GF, but with her sister. For those who have been reading my situation, you know I discussed the situation with my GF oldest sister a few days ago in an attempt to relieve some stress she is getting at home about where I am and why she is going out with her friends more than me because they dont know yet.
Anyways, Since I told her I thought maybe I could look to her as another person for support. BIG MISTAKE!! I talked to her about things over lunch today and she is too pessimistic about things. I know I have to focus on myself at this time which I have! But also part of the changes I have made are to influence my GF too yes, but they are also making me happier too and thats what matters. Anyways, she is too negative towards the situation and is angry at her sister and doesnt appreciate that my GF is going through some rough emotional times, and I think thats mainly because her family is a big part of the problem. She is already mad at my GF so I think she is too biased. She doesnt trust her and I noticed this many times before. Deep down I guess I know I shouldnt listen to her but Im always looking for more support and encouragement but I guess I need to be more careful on who I ask for it.
I spoke to my good friend who I have been sharing everything with, and even though he has never read DB books, he has all the same answers. He helped me forget about what she said somewhat but I guess I need more reassurance.
Her sister scared me a little because her friend told her a few weeks is a break, but after 7 months its more like a break-up, but I dont think they understand the situation.
Really quick, for the first 3-4 months my GF told me she always planned on being with me but she just wanted time to herself to make new friends and stuff. I never was truly supportive of it and kept questioning our Relationship and it eventually made her think I had doubts which gave her doubts. So after getting the I love you but not in love with you speech I realized I am not doing something right and I bought this book and saw counseling.
Since then I have backed off and she has opened lines of contact occasionally andthere have been moments where I felt her coming around but I know I backslided once in a while. and 1 1/2 months ago she hugged me from behind after a night out when i dropped her off. Thats definatley a sign of affection.
Anyways, I know my official no more backsliding started November 1st and it started out great but all the distance I was giving her made her family question her more and more and now she feels like she is being controlled by them and that she cant be an individual. Like she is supposed to be with me according to them. There has just been so many obstacles and mistakes on both ends which has delayed us so many times.
I guess what Im getting too is, time isnt always a factor right? Sometimes it just takes a little while to get to achieve your goal. My friend told me if I can focus on being her best friend right now and helping her through her family problems and so on, that that will make a big impact on her and that with all of what we have together from the past 7 years will be sure to bring us back.
Any support is very much welcome. please.
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
Another one of those days. =( Im just very depressed today and I have been all weekend. I went away to visit a friend hoping to cheer me up but it didnt happen. I couldnt help but think about things most of the weekend. I try to keep reminding myself how she told me in the beginning she still wanted to spend the rest of her life with me but just wanted a break. Although that changed after several months of questioning and pressure on my end, and she told me she wasnt sure anymore. Im trying to tell myself that she felt so strong about us for over 7 years and for the first few months of the break, than I can get those feelings back if I work hard but I feel overwhelmed and scared! Im so afraid. I just want to have a deep heart to heart talk to her and try to convince her to work things out with me. I LOVE HER and I need to have her in my life. This is killing me.
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
I can sympathize with you. My H is the person I love more than anyone on this earth. I love God first and then my H, then kids, etc. I can tell you though that the DBing starts to work but like everyone told me it takes patience. I have yet to receive the book but I have been on this board reading and posting, trying to learn as fast as I can. If you can afford it, a telephone C can help at least to get some live feedback from people who really know what they are doing fist of all, and then to coach you through this to help you stay focused.
My H loves me, says he loves me and cares for me. But he too is on the fence about coming home. H had an affair and when he didn't end it right after I found out, I followed the example of a friend of his that threw his W out and she came begging back. My H did not want to move out and called me to come over to the house when he did. I was angry and hoping he would learn his lesson, but it hasn't worked out like that and now I cry about what I did though he tells me it ws the right thing under the circumstances.
Have faith and patience. Get the DR/DB book and start setting some goals thats what C got me doing and what others on the board got me to get going to do.
If Jesus is you lord, pray and ask Him to pray for you and your W/marriage.
Eventhough H had the affair, and there were many undersirable ways of relating to me that caused me to withdraw from him, I have had to really face my own stinkieness and slog through the molassases of regret and recognition. Do this, look at yourself, ask those hard q's as I can see that by doing so, I have accepted a few things that H was upset about and because I am less defensive about them we are going to be able to communicate a lot better, which is something we had trouble doing, talking to eachother about sensitive subjects.
I work each minute it seems to detach, my heart hurts like heck, I cry and think that it is over and then I get back up, determined that I will give this the best shot possible and work to get our marriage back, my H back in the home and loving me and letting me love him.
SO think about C telephone, get DR book IMMEDIATELY and read the forums that have Michelle's 1 and 2nd chapters on line if you can't. The second chapter is posted on this forum now, I believe. Work on yourself. Really try.
God Bless your committment to keep your marrige together. Inky
Well everyone, on I have a question that is scaring me. On December 12th I went to a concert with my GF, and before it started she asked me if I was still seeing a therapist. I downplayed it and said I was but I might be stopping soon. I said this becasue I didnt want to show her I was still so upset. She also then brought up 2 other situations. One night while at a club with her and other friends, a girl started talking to me but I eventually was able to move away from her because it was uncomfortable for me. Also on Halloween night a friend of her friend asked to hold my arm while in NYC because lots of guys were howling at her so I was a gentleman and agreed.
Anyways, my GF mentioned these 2 events on the 12th of december before the concert and said she was like, "ok, he's moving on". I told her that this was not the caseof me moving on. If anything I was on the recieving end but the 2nd case I was just being a gentleman. She also asked me how my reaction would be if there was someone else she was interested in, but she immediatley followed that by saying there was'nt, but she just wants to know how I would react. I just made a joke and said I would be supportive and tell you if you fall off the horse to get right back on again.
Of course I didnt mean this!! But I dont want to tell her no either. My Counsler said she thinks that she is just maybe testing the waters with me and seeing how I am feeling, and its not that she is looking to move on necessarily.
There were many times in our relationship where my GF would discuss things about our future and committment but I guess I never gave back enough reassurance to her for this and part of me feels like it is also a cause and if I can show her I want to commit and how serious I am for her that it might help too. I dont know. Im just so lost and confused.
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
Well my GF called me last night on my way home from work and told me her whole family is asking for me and if I would want to come over that night. At first I hesitated but she said her family would all be like, "WHY?!" So I said I'd come over after my counsler appt.
Anyways, I went over and I was sure to maintain my upbeat attitude throughout the night. We just hanged out around her family at first then went into another room so she can tell me some things that happpened last week while at work and a fight that 2 of her friends had. We talked for a bit, but it was mainly her and I tried to really show I was into it. After that she said she felt like shopping so I took her to the mall and we were shopping for a couple hours. Everything was fine in my book until the end while we were about to leave the mall. I was waiting to return something and she mentioned the fact of telling her family about us because as you might know already, she hasnt told them yet because they love me so much. The only thing Im questioning now is whether she mentioned this after the fact I brought up how I went to my counsler that night again. She asked what we talked about and I said in a joking way, "you", but I hesitated for any other details.
Im starting to think she might have said something after I mentioned counsler to her. Maybe I need to not speak of this because its looked on as Relationship talk to her? I feel like she mentions it more often still. Like whenever we have a good time out she has to say something as if she needs to remind herself. I dont know.
Could this just be the way she is looking through her defensive eyes? I think she thinks I still dont want to do everything on my own yet, and that Id only do certain things if she was there. Im so confused still. I am happy though because she mentioned about maybe wanting to go to a concert with me. I have been stopping at church and praying more so maybe I need to keep it up and pray for a Christmas miracle.
Please give me any possible advice everyone. Its very much appreciated! I love her with all of my heart and I have to win her back. Thanks! Happy Holidays.
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
Ok, well there isnt anything new to report as of yesterday because I have not had any contact with her. I am debating whether or not to call her tonight because I know she will be working her ass off at her house cleaning for tommorow because all her family will be over. If I call her I can get her a break from her duties, and it will maybe give me a chance to show I care about her.
Its just that she is talking to a lot of her new friends now and I feel like Im not part of that and I want to be. She confuses me so much. She is not the typical woman in my opinion. She is very stubborn and I feel like if I ignore her, she will be like fine, whatever. I can play this game too. But if I am too open with her, she might feel like Im suffocating her.
I dont understand this though!! How can a woman who was upset because we couldnt see eachother every single minute of the day go to feeling Im suffocating her?! Part of me feels like talking to her again because I feel like we never really discussed things that are going on now.
We talked about how this started, and about things we were doing wrong during the break but never really tried to work up a solution to this. Im so confused and upset. I miss her. I miss just hanging out with her and doing nothing. We did everything together and it was always assumed we would see eachother practically every night. She showed me and still does, a side of her I know she does not show to even her closest friends. We discussed baby names for when we are married and where we would live and just fantasized about it in every way.
Where did she go to? The 2 people who are mostly involved in this situation, my counsler and my good friend Garret who also knows January through his GF, they both seem to think she is going through some issues she needs to work out in her life and that is why she is acting differently and even rebelling and that I need to be supportive for her and be her friend during this time but its so hard because I feel like anything I do to be friendly, she looks at it as an advance.
I dont know anymore. I know I only started DB'ing in early November so maybe I need more patience and faith? One thing I may need to do is show her I have more of a social life.
For instance I asked her to see the new lord of the rings movie with me but she is busy latley and also didnt want to see it when it first opened to avoid the crowds. I mentioned it to her last night and she told me to go see it and not to wait for her. I guess that is a case of me making myself too available for her and not moving on.
Also, we discussed new years eve. I asked if she would be home and she said yes. I said part of me wants to go out sometime but another part wants to stay home. She told me I should go with her sisters because they are going into NYC and I said I dont think I will, and she then replied, I bet if I was going you would go.
Apparently I am still showing neediness towards her in the little contact we do have but I dont know how. Or maybe she just doesnt believe my actions are true yet. My counsler notices that when I back off or especailly the 2 times I went to visit a friend out of state my GF made more solid attempts of reaching out for me.
Part of me feels like she wants to keep me around deep down so when she is sorted things out, I will be there for her, but another part of me has no idea what she wants. Im so lost. I am lost without her. I love her so much and not being close to her is killing me. Sorry to sound so down. I guess the holidays got me in a rut and Im scared for valentines day and out anniversary in February.
Maybe Ill stop by the church tonight. It cant hurt to say another prayer I guess right?
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
I had to get a last minute gift for my GF to get my family last night so i dropeed it off to her and she seemed happily surprised to see me. We talked for a little and she wanted to show me all the decorating she has done and she was talking to me for about 10-15 minutes as I was on my way out the door. Seemed very upbeat and pleasant. Then I got this email this morning from her. how should I read this? At first it seemed happy because she said she thought of us, but then I was thinking I guess its just because we are both scorpios, and I also saw how she said we are both free spirits and cant be tied down. Does this mean she doesnt want to have a serious rlationship any more, or maybe this is just a phase for now? Im so confused because she always was obsessed with getting married and so forth. Any ideas? her email is listed below. Thanks!
It's 2am and I surfing the net cuz I don't want to clean my room. hahahaha Anyways, I was checking out the horoscope and I thought this sounds pretty darn funny-ish. Then it made me start thinking about us...since we're both scorpios. I think we both have "lingering problems with certain family" and how "nohting is simple where your family is concerned." As you always told me, you should really talk to your family how they sufficate you...and how nothing gets better if you don't talk to them. We're both free spirited people and cannot be tied down and tame. You like that, don't you...hahahaha...I should write out horoscopes for a living. Anyways, see ya tonite!
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
I'm sorry I didn't take the time to go all the way back and read all of your thread...I did however skim over it and saw a few things I would like to comment on.
Being from an overbaring family...I can understand where your Girl Friend is coming from. Family members just want to make everything ok for the people they love. They look at the situation and see the simple resolution and push for that. I the case of you GF - it would be better for them as a family to have her still be with you - because as you say - they love you. But, to get to that point, Family members do not understand the dynamics involved. To them, you just do it...but often expressing that...can do more harm than good.
Michele herself warns that family members often make this worse rather than better. I would stop going to them completely...I would only answer direct questions and then only what is needed....don't volunteer anything.
Be supportive of your GF's attempt at keeping her family out of things. The more they push you at her...the more she will run away.
She sounds like it's not you she is trying to be independent from but the family. If you are acting like a tight member of that unit...you might be sacraficed in order for her to meet her goal. Be prepared that she may not be able to express any of this to you. It took me a long time to understand that that was what I was doing.
My suggestion, the next time you get a call to come over and hang out with family. Why not just say to GF - "hey, I really like your family and all, but I think we need some time away from them, don't you? How about I take you to dinner instead".
As for the e-mail you shared in your last post. I think she is trying in her own way to ask you for help. Her family appears to be draining on her...see what you can do...but be careful...there is a balance here...even if they are draining her and she wants to be free...she still loves them and you have to be careful what you say about them.
OK? Best of luck, hope you had a good holiday.
State Flower
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
Wow, thanks for the great reply. I appreciate your help and advice. I agree with much of what you said. I have tried to seperate myself as much as I can from her family but its hard to sometimes, like the other day she asked me out because her family was asking for me, but at first I declined because I dont want to come out just for them, but she insisted because her family would question it so I didnt want to make matters worse and I went over, but we wound up spending the whole time together mostly.
As for her getting pushed farther away the more they question her, I agree, which is why part of me wishes she would tell them about our situation in hopes they will learn to back off.
I am going to try to be supportive and listen to her problems with the family and keep trying to seperate myself from them as well, because I agree in that she see's me with them. I know in the past I knew more about her family events than she did because of talking to her sisters. I stopped communicating like that with them a while ago though.
I guess im still just trying to learn to be patient. I get scared at times that what if Im kidding myself? what if Im just making up excuses as to why things have taken 7 months on this break, but I know there were things I did that screwed me up, and my counsler and my best friend (the ones who really know everything about the situation) also agree about the family issue being the main problem and in the beggining I wasnt as supportive as I needed to be.
Its just hard to draw the line as to being friendly and supportive by making contact with her, because I dont want to come off as being needy or pushy. I just want to see how she is at times and see if we can talk about things( I dont mean our relationship).
Thanks State Flower! I appreciate your tips and I hope I hear from you again. Happy holidays!
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
Marc: Stateflower gave you some great advice! In addition to that - when the two of you are back togetehr and down the road marry - would you consider moving away from the "hometown"? It might be something to think about. I see her family meddling in your relationship/marriage down the road to the point of suffocation and the two of you will feel like you can't escape.
I hope Christmas went okay for the two of you. I will say though - you need to have so much more patience. Randy on the Piecing thread took 3 years to get his wife back. He did it one babystep at a time. If you really love her than you will help her, support her, and be there for her when she comes back into your arms!
