I think that's very sensible.....and it will go in one ear and out the other. Did you mean to type 'boyfiend'? I thought it was rather appropriate!!!!!!
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
If it makes them all happy, and she will stay in the marriage and the home and try to be a family together, why not get the dog? Maybe use it as a bargaining chip. She commits to make an effort as a family, and present a happy face around the house, and she can have the baby, I mean puppy.
So you are suggesting that I say to her, "I will agree to the dog if you agree to work on the marriage?"
This would be foolish. First, I want her to return of her own accord, not because she wants a dog. Second, her desire for self-improvement should have a basis stronger than the desire for another dog.
I have a lot of respect for you, Sara, but I disagree.
When I got home tonight, she assured me that she will be purchasing the dog tomorrow. She is dead-set on getting it. My opinion on the matter means absolutely nothing to her.
I will see a lawyer next week for the purposes of filing divorce against her. My marriage is over.
Let me get this straight. You're going to let her tell the kids that you are getting a divorce because she got the dog?! Pretty dramatic, isn't it? I mean she carries on with Bozo for Clown for I don't know how long, and you can weather that storm, but she gets a puppy and it's over. Doesn't make sense to me. I see a power struggle, not a marriage.
I agree also. I think there is a power struggle going on. I am not sure why. Maybe she has been thought she had to do things the way you wanted during marriage. Now she feels oh well I am going to do what makes me happy now. I am not sure that's what it is. But there is for some reason a total power struggle going on. Between both of you.
Mark I think your a great dad. I think you have showed a lot of ambition in trying to save your marriage. But when she has had an affair and that didn't seal the deal for you, why a puppy? I know we just bought a new puppy last week. I wasn't trying to fill a void or anything like that. We just simply wanted to have a a new puppy. The kid's were thrilled and I was touched to see that. I guess I wanted it as much for me as I did for the kid's. It seems like the kiddo's at your house are very excited about this.
You are absolutely correct. Between the time that I posted my knee-jerk reaction (above) and now, I have re-thought the entire situation. Here is how I see it:
- She sees our marriage as absolutely over. No question there.
- She is going to do whatever she wants, without regard to me, as she has been doing for the past year.
- She is going to get this dog. Nothing will stop her.
- She sees the dog as her "ticket" to the kids. After the divorce is final, every kid that lives with her will mean (in her mind) more child support money for her. And she wants as much money as she can get from me. So if the divorce judge says to each kid, "Which parent do you want to live with?" she needs all three kids saying, "MOM!!" This dog is her ticket to a unanimous decision in that regard. In addition, when we split, both dogs will go with her, and the kids will want to be with the dogs. More manipulation on her part.
- She is desperate for companionship. She is trying to fill the void left by her boyfriend's absence. She wants the unquestioned love that her ex-boyfriend provided.
These next two completely parallel DBing:
- My objecting to the dog will do nothing to endear myself to her.
- The more I object to the dog, the more she will want to get it. This is not an opinion. It is a statement of fact.
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This is why I have decided to change my position. I will not win. So I may as well be gracious in defeat. I have told her that I support the purchase of the additional dog. I told her that I want to go with them to pick-up the dog.
It is patently obvious that she has zero respect for me. My opinion means nothing to her. Objecting to the dog will not change her opinion. Until the divorce is final, any attempt that I make to "earn" her respect will be a wasted effort.
I give up.
So I told her that I support the dog. I told her that I would like to accompany them to the place where they will purchase this dog. She refused. I am not welcome. So I told her that I insist. I want to go. She grunted and nodded her head. I guess that means, "Glad to have you on board!!!" .... Just a guess..
The problem is, the weather service has predicted six inches of snow and ice tomorrow. We may never get out of here anyway.
Mark, This is the classic approach I used with my D when she was younger, pick and chose your battles. Of course, your W is not a child! I think most of us would agree that getting a dog at this particular time is not a wise idea!!
Regarding this:
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
She sees the dog as her "ticket" to the kids. After the divorce is final, every kid that lives with her will mean (in her mind) more child support money for her. And she wants as much money as she can get from me. So if the divorce judge says to each kid, "Which parent do you want to live with?" she needs all three kids saying, "MOM!!" This dog is her ticket to a unanimous decision in that regard. In addition, when we split, both dogs will go with her, and the kids will want to be with the dogs. More manipulation on her part.
I mentioned my sister and her soon to be ex awhile in your last thread, and how their bitter relationship and D has ruined their relationship with their kids... Anyway, BIL tried the "BUY LOVE" approach. My sister can barely make ends meet and he's always buying gifts. The last thing was a Wii. The kids told him to take it back. They didn't want it.
Sure, a dog is much cuter but I think your boys are old enough to make a decision that is not influenced by bribery. If that's what she thinks, she's a fool! Kids are much smarter than that. They must see you as being the strong, stable parent right now.
As far as the Christmas gift idea ... get her something for the dog. A nice sleeping pad or gift certificate for training or something!
We all know that she will not find what she is looking for in this dog. Since I will not be able to stop her from getting it, I may as well put myself in a "positive position" with her regarding it. Fighting it gets me nowhere. I lose nothing by going along with it, and I stand to gain a lot by supporting it.
I am a Solitary Man. With three kids, and two dogs.
