DR Chapter 2 - Think Small

[jme]

marc_d,

Good luck, it sounds like you're on your way!! She seems to be reponding to you. That's a good sign.

at least she is calling and thinking about you. To me that would be a big plus in my book.

My H and I had an eavening together in Oct. and since then, things have really gone down hill.

I'm a little confused with that right now. I've been detaching, giving himhis space, acting asif, and nothing

seems to be working.

Hang in there, it sounds lilke you'r on the right track.

JME

Ok, I'll give it a shot. I am still in the stage of being pessimistic to whether or not these are "baby steps":

* I asked him not to call me anymore, he now calls me everyday sometimes 3-5 times.(nothing personal, but nothing important either)

* We rotate visitation with the kids at the house (I am there, he leaves, he is there, I leave for 3-4 days at a time) This was his first rotation here he cleaned the entire house, shoveled the driveway and cleaned off my car. (lots of snow here this weekend)He even did all MY laundry for me!

* While he was here, every picture of us together was moved like he had picked them up and looked at them.(I am anal about their placement and they have all been moved but only the pics of us together)

* He is talking to me like he used to when we were married. Same voice tones, etc.

* Had been refusing to discuss his A with anyone. Broke down and told a mututal friend that he didn't know why he did it and he is all "screwed up" in the head right now.

* Called last night and asked if he could ask me a question, when I said yes he wanted to know why I didn't sound as happy "to" him as the day before. He sounded genuinely concerned and asked if did something wrong.

So, not sure if these are baby steps but a week and a half ago he NEVER called me and refused to set foot in our house. The things that I have been doing different is no matter how much of an emotional mess I am, I always make sure I look good. I am being happy, positive and appreciative of everything he does for me. The biggest 180 for me was telling him not to call me anymore. That is not like me at all. I told him he could contact me through email unless there was an emergency. He hasn't stopped calling since. But again, I am pessimistic after hearing for 3 weeks the "I don't love you anymore" and "I want a D".

[marc_d]

Wow, I really think you are doing great! 3-5 phone calls a day for no reason at all? Thats great! I think you should try to sound happy when talking to him though but see if he starts to come around more, if not, maybe dont answer all his phone calls. Let some go to your machine. Dont block him out completley though, just make him a little curious. Good luck!

Thanks Marc. It isn't everyday that he calls that much. On the average it is 1 or 2 times. I think he might have taken another "baby step" this morning.

He had agreed to help me in the mornings to get our daughter on the bus. He said he would come over and wait in the driveway. Well, this was his first morning doing it and he got here 25 minutes early, walked in and greeted me with a cheery "good morning" and proceeded to put out the trash and recycling for tomorrow's pick up. That is a big jump from waiting out in the driveway in his truck. When he left he said he would see me tomorrow. We have to take our daughter to Joslin so we have to ride together. I was hesitant at first, but now I decided to put my best db'ing foot forward and make the most of the time I have to be cheery and act "as if".

[marc_d]

JME, Thanks for your praise and best of luck to you with your situation. I know haveing patience is the hardest part of this for just about everyone. Can I ask you a question because I need a females advice, and this is open to any other women here. One night in October I went clubbing with my GF and her sisters and some friends of theirs. I was feeling a little down because she was dancing with some of her girl friends instead of me when we used to stick to eachother like glue, but I had a couple beers and lightened up a little. Anyways, When I took her home I ipened the door for her and her sister. Her sister went into the house and as I was holding the door, my GF hugged me from the back. and then she came around and went inside and gave me a regular hug too as we said goodnight. I know friends give hugs at times which is what I get concerned with occasionally that she just wants to be friends even though I doubt she can forget our wonderful 7 years together. But the hug from behind, that seemed like something more than just a friendly hug to me. AS a woman, what do you think? If you had a man friend, would you go up behind him and hug him in this way? Please help me verify this. Thanks!!

[marc_d]

I know its hard, but its all we can do. We have to act happy somehow. And I TRULY understand how hard it is to se all the baby steps. I understand the ideas behind them and it makes sense but I want more and Im sure everyone here does as well. Stay strong and do everything you can without backslides. Good luck!

You are right about wanting more, I think we all want more. Like I said, I am going to try and put my best db'ing into action for the time that I have to be with him.

Just caught up on your sitch. Sounds like you are awesome and getting some great baby steps! Keep up the good work!

[marc_d]

thanks for the support! it really helps! Quick question for you, did you see what I said about the hug? What do you think of that as a woman?

Marc- I would not give a man friend a hug from behind. To me, as a woman, those are "intimate" hugs. Now that is just me and my opinion. But I see that as as step towards more intimacy.

If anyone has another opinion, please feel free to correct me.

[marc_d]

You know, another thing she has done in the past is while at the store together, she would ask my opinion for lingerie and one time she went shopping with her mom and bought a bunch of new underware and she showed me when I came over her house.

This was a little while ago now, but it confuses me. She isnt affectionate with me in the sense we dont hug much or kiss but she does things like that.

Im trying to figure out if I should start asking her out a little more to try and build up positive moments between us again. I know it will require me to not be upset if she cancels or if were together and she gets a phone call from a possible guy friend. I trust her and know nothing is going on deep down but I have to learn to control my negative emotions.

I guess I should see how things go since I will be with her tommorow night at a concert and then all day Friday. I gotta be tough with my feelings and be the man she used to love again! I just cant wait to get back together so I can apply all these new relationship skills I have learned. Heres hoping a Christmas miracle is around the corner!