Hi - just like to join this one as someone whose SO is often AWOL, making any chance of face to face DBing to have any effect. I have got to get pretty creative to do any "tango-ing"
If one party can trigger change in another, why do we spend so much time trying to convince our partners to change first?
I think we get so bogged down in the situation itself that we can't even see a way out of it, so we look to someone else to find that way out. Esp. if the SO is the one who's walked away - we think they must hold the answers to what will make the R work again - they know what will fix it.
Why do I have to be the one to change?
Often I think it's precisely *because* they don't know what to do to fix things that they decide to walk away in the first place. Therefore, the person "left behind" or "shut out" is the one who can be the person who can break the cycle. and let's face it - someone has to do it - take the leap of faith and just do it...
What if I push the wrong button?
You'll never know if you just press the wrong one all the time, frightened of taking the chance. That's what the 180 is all about, I think - pushing the opposite button by doing the opposite of what you normally do.
My spouse and I are barely speaking (or are separated). If I change my approach to things, will my spouse even notice?
Ah, now the *meat* of the act.... While it's "magical thinking" to believe that even if you're separated or not on speaking terms, your SO will "just know"/"sense" through the power of the cosmos that you are changing, you must still change.
If your SO is still at home, whehter you are talking or not, they are still in your space at some point. they will hear/see you interacting with others, see you going about your business, not moping around waiting for a breakthrough from them, and they can't help but notice that. I know that ic exhausting, but once it becomes part of you to just get on with things, it will be easier - that is when you may get your breakthrough...
If you're separated, it's harder. For those with children and visitation, etc., there is opportunity (however brief) for contact with SO, during which one must present oneself in the best possible light, not beg for more time and smile lots. Yes, these are small things, but if you read the success stories and some of the threads here, baby steps are made after the simplest moves on your part.
And if you're only in contact via email, phone, etc., your moves will be smaller still, and your progress slower... I am at this stage unfortunately, and while I used to send long "soppy" emails, and want to get into R talk on the phone (even when he was at work!), any mails I send now are validating (sometimes I have to really search for things to validate, but I always manage it!), friendly and upbeat.
I don't ask for anything, and am not needy. I'm seeing small steps, but that's what it's all about, innit?
Isn't it manipulative to try to change someone?
How can you change someone else? For me, one of the greatest releases from reading DR (and there have been a few!) was realising that I *couldn't* change my SO. Then I stopped obsessing about how I could "get him" to treat me better, and how to sort out his problems for him. All I could do was work on me, and if that drew him back to me, then it would be brilliant. A huge moment for me.
Why should I believe that anything I do will make a difference whan it hasn't before?
Because if what you've done in the past hasn't worked, either it was the wrong thing to do, or you didn't do it for long enough. Try something else. The wonderful thing about these techniques is that you tailor them to your situation. It's actually exciting to think of what you could try. Make a list of about 20 things you could try under each technique in the book. You'll be really struggling at 10, but keep going, because the more silly/outlandish/implausible ideas often contain a grain of an idea that could really surprise you and your SO, and just might work!
Just my thoughts - hope they are of some use Mel
It's time to live, it's time to love, it's time to do what's afraid of
It's time to breathe, time to relieve, it's time to shine
Quote: "If one partner can trigger change in another, why do we spend so much time trying to convince our partners to change first?"
Because we don't realize that our actions can cause our partners to change their actions as well; because we are too stubborn (that was me on both counts!).
Quote: "Why do I have to be the one to change?"
Because I CAN! Because now I know better. Because now I understand the dynamics of a relationship, and that by me changing, he will change also! I will get what I want out of the relationship if I have the courage and willpower to change ME!
Quote: "What if I push the wrong button?"
I don't have to be perfect. I will see that I made a mistake, and I will learn from it!
Quote: "My spouse and I are barely speaking (or are separated). If I change my approach to things, will my spouse even notice?"
Well, he may not comment, but for sure, I can see it in his actions. By me changing my approach to things, our relationship has improved immensely...And even if he hasn't commented (and he has on some things), I am sure that he has noticed the changes.
Quote: "Isn't it manipulative to try to change someone?"
This has to be one of my favorites. Come on, be honest, haven't you tried to change your spouse? Perhaps you have even said exactly what you would like them to do differently. Maybe you have a passive-aggressive thing going? Maybe you want them to be a mind-reader and just KNOW what you want and act accordingly? It's not so much changing your spouse....just changing the way they react in certain situations. And you can do that by changing your own actions/reactions.
Quote: "Why should I believe that anything I do will make a difference when it hasn't before?"
Because THEN I really didn't know HOW to do it...hard to admit, because I consider myself a pretty intelligent woman. Besides, you really won't know the answer to that question unless you try...and isn't the most important relationship in your life worth that effort??
That's my .02....hope it is helpful to someone else!
You're really mad at your partner. You've explained your point of view a million times. S/he never listens. You can't believe that a person can be so insensitive. So, you wait. You're convinced that eventually s/he will have to see the light; that you're right and s/he's wrong. In the meantime, there's silence. But the tension is so thick in your house, you can cut it with a knife. You hate the distance, but there's nothing you can do about it because you're mad. You're really mad.
You try to make yourself feel better by getting involved in other things. Sometimes this even works. But you wake up every morning facing the fact that nothing's changed at all. A feeling of dissatisfaction permeates everything you do. From time to time, you ask yourself, "Is there something I should do differently,?" but you quickly dismiss this thought because you know that, in your heart of hearts, you're not the one to blame. So the distance between you and your partner persists.
Does any of this sound familiar? Have you and your partner been so angry with each other that you've gone your separate ways and stopped interacting with each other? Have you convinced yourself that, until s/he initiates making up, there will be no peace in your house? If so, I have few things I want to tell you.
You are wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It's exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It takes a toll on your body and soul. It's bad for your health and hard on your spirit. It's awful for your relationship. Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a waste!
I have worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they are utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner's is wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views. I hear, "I'll change if s/he changes," a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate. There are many variations of this position. For example, "I'd be nicer to her, if she were nicer to me," or "I'd be more physical and affectionate if he were more communicative with me," or "I'd be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn't hound me all the time about what I do." You get the picture… "I'll be different if you start being different first." Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very, very long wait.
There's a much better way to view things when you and your partner get stuck like this. I've been working with couples for years and I've learned a lot about how change occurs in relationships. It's like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too. It really doesn't matter who starts first. It's simply a matter of tipping over the first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give you an example.
I worked with a woman who was very distressed about her husband's long hours at work. She felt they spent very little time together as a couple and that he was of little help at home. This infuriated her. Every evening when he returned for work, her anger got the best of her and she criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably, the evening would be ruined. The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at work was to deal with problems the moment in walked in the door. Although she understood this, she was so hurt and angry about his long absences that she felt her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me about how to get her husband to be more attentive and loving. She was at her wit's end.
I told her that I could completely understand why she was frustrated and that, if I were in her shoes, I would feel exactly the same way. However, I wondered if she could imagine how her husband might feel about her nightly barrage of complaints. "He probably wishes he didn't have to come home," she said. "Precisely," I thought to myself, and I knew she was ready to switch gears. I suggested that she try an experiment. "Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with an affectionate greeting. Don't complain, just tell him you're happy to see him. Do something kind or thoughtful that you haven't done in a long time…even if you don't feel like it." "You mean like fixing him his favorite meal or giving him a warm hug? I used to do that a lot." "That's exactly what I mean," I told her, and we discussed other things she might do as well. She agreed to give it a try.
Two weeks later she returned to my office and told me about the results of her "experiment."
"That first night after I talked with you I met him at the door and, without a word, gave him a huge hug. He looked astounded, but curious. I made him his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on the garlic, so he smelled the aroma the moment he walked in. Immediately, he commented on it and looked pleased. We had a great evening together, the first in months. I was so pleased and surprised by his positive reaction that I felt motivated to keep being 'the new me.' Since then things between us have been so much better, it's amazing. He's come home earlier and he's even calling me from work just to say hello. I can't believe the change in him. I'm so much happier this way."
The moral of this story is obvious. When one partner changes, the other partner changes too. It's a law of relationships. If you aren't getting what you need or want from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation? Why not be more pragmatic? If what you're doing (talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn't been working, no matter how sterling your logic, you're not going to get very far. Be more flexible and creative. Be more strategic. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being hell bent on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised. Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over and expecting different results.
Look, life is short. We only have one go-around. Make your relationship the best it can possibly be. Stop waiting for your partner to change in order for things to be better. When you decide to change first, it will be the beginning of a solution avalanche. Try it, you'll like it!
2002 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved.
JJ
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Quoting Jamesjohn: What are YOUR thoughts on some of the following questions?
"If one partner can trigger change in another, why do we spend so much time trying to convince our partners to change first?" I'm clueless, I have seen changes in my H by me testing out DRing, some work some don't.
"Why do I have to be the one to change?" I don't mind changing, I need to work on me to be a better person. Hopefully H will see the changes in me and start to make changes he wants to make.
"What if I push the wrong button?" Then I will quit pashing that button and start pushing another.
"My spouse and I are barely speaking (or are separated). If I change my approach to things, will my spouse even notice?" My spouse notices, but will he do something about it?
"Isn't it manipulative to try to change someone?" It's not totally manipulative, because your changing yourself, if H choices to make changes that is his choice.
"Why should I believe that anything I do will make a difference when it hasn't before?" I just haven't found the right button.
Am noticing with my spouse... He was threatening me that he was going to take a vacation back east over his Christmas vacation...fly to Minnesota pick up his sister and drive to Florida for two weeks....
When I did not respond with anger or annoyance...he seemed puzzled...but kept on...going online looking for tickets, etc... I then smilingly offered to help look for cheap tickets for him and told him, as hard as he works and after all we have been going through he deserved a vacation...I did not want to be selfish and deny him that...of course, I said I would be happier if he spent Christmas at home with me, but if that was what he wanted, I hoped he really had a great time...
he continues to look for car rentals and tickets...but books nothing....when asked about it..he says plans can change... I do not respond to this at all....
Recently, asked if he had gotten his ticket for his vacation..he says tickets to Chicago are cheap, $150...I tell him he should jump on that...and then drive to Minnesota and grab his sister from there going to Florida...he grows quiet over phone and says...I haven't made any plans...
My NORMAL behavior would have been to pout, be angry, argue and demand that he stay home or take me....or because now he is talking divorce and things are a bit different to just pout and argue and call him selfish and mean.....however....instead I have been encouraging him to go and relax and have himself a good old time...why not? He does work hard. It's a family trip. And better he go there then be miserable around here at the holidays...my son and I will be fine together. And guess what? Now, he doesn't sound so excited about going anymore. LOL
Sooo, the change in my attitude toward him taking a trip, has changed his attitude about taking that trip. He didn't get the reaction he expected from me. Now, he's not so excited about going.
