How do you feel about love being a choice, a decision, and not a feeling?
In what ways have you, and your partner, might have let your love dwindle, and not made your marriage a priority?
How do you feel about Michele's staement of "If your spouse reports falling out of love, just say nothing and remind yourself that nothing is permanent. If s/he fell out of love, s/he can fall into love again"?
What do you think about NOT talking to him/her about your, or their, feelings of love? About not putting any pressure on them to talk about it?
JJ
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JJ, great questions. For me and H we always said we loved each other several times a day. So when H dropped the IDLY, and I probably never loved you bomb it was so hurtful and confusing, like my legs were ripped out of me. And my first thought was, that is soooo not true! H is just acting crazy! Call it denial or just something I knew in my gut.
It has been VERY VERY VERY difficult NOT to say ILY to my H, since we did it so often. I truly belive that love is a decision and NOT a feeling. And since I choose to love my H, it is hard not to confirm that decision by telling him. So, I write things here.
Ways that I let the Love dwindle in my marriage. I stopped putting on make up and getting my hair and nails done on a regular basis. H loves it when I do girly things. I traveled 70% of the time due to my job. H said he did not mind, but I knew he did and should have stopped so much travel. But I did not due to pride. (Like he cant bring me down from my job!) Basically all of the love dwindeling was due to both of us putting pride before our M.
I have been trying to do a 180 on this, and let H know that he is the most important thing, our marriage and family are the most important thing in my life. (Right behind God. God, family, career.... )
While dropping the bomb my W said that its not you but its me. Translated: I have fallen out of love, it was not your fault but mine. But the problem was not what she said back then. The issue is what she was willing to do and change these feelings and inner arguments that made her fall out of love. The answer: Nothing! She expected that only I should make her fall in love again. Conflicts started, arguments evolved (never argued before), tension, etc. W filed for D 1 month ago. Said I had my chances to change her feelings in the past 9 months but did not. Is this fair?I made many mistakes during this period (overcontrolling, jealous, pushing, crying, begging) but if she never had the will to work and change her feelings nothing was going to bring us together again.
Quote: How do you feel about love being a choice, a decision, and not a feeling?
I believe love is a choice, a decision that one makes to love another. I too believe that once a person decides to love another that love is felt by the one to whom the person chose to love.
Quote: In what ways have you, and your partner, might have let your love dwindle, and not made your marriage a priority?
My H has only told me once in our eleven year R that he loved me. H spent little quality time with us as a family, and seldom, if ever, made long-term goals for our family and its survival. Those things H did not do showed me H didn't put OR first. I hurt the chances of H wanting to do these things by pressuring H, by demanding H to spend quality time with us, by questioning his love for me over and over, by demanding H make commitments to us as a family. I guess you could say I shoved him (not pushed) out the door!
Quote: What do you think about NOT talking to him/her about your, or their, feelings of love? About not putting any pressure on them to talk about it?
I think taking the pressure off is the only way to allow them to choose to love us again...however its not a guarantee that they will or really did in the first place. Until they make the choice to talk about it, it won't happen anyway, so why continue with self defeating pressuring. I have stopped the pressure, acted "as if", detached from the sitch, and now trying LRT, yet things seem to be getting worse.
H appears to be upset that I'm not persuing him any longer, distancing himself even more. Is this normal? Is it a good sign or bad sign?
Somehow your posts roped me back into Newcomers. You always do some thought-provoking posts.
I will preface all that I say in that I have made the decision to D, and it's been filed. It is antagonistic. So... perhaps what I have to say is of little value to those new to this. Hopefully, not.
Quote: In what ways have you, and your partner, might have let your love dwindle, and not made your marriage a priority?
There's a million ways this builds up, particularily in a long-term relationship. We were married nearly 25 years. Let's see... kids can do it to you. Soccer moms, beware. All that suburban schlepping, volunteering, etc. does put the kids at a high need for attention. Been there, done that.
Personal interests get in the way... computers, games, bowling leagues... you name it. I'm not going to advise anyone to give up their leisures but don't make them an all-consuming passion. I noticed my H do this over time, and I did as well. He'd stick his nose into his books and computer, I was writing and sewing constantly (usually for the marching band/color guard designing stuff ...)
In other words, don't let outside interests, needs, and desires stifle the other out. It's way too easy to say... "I'm tired from working so much, can we do dinner out another time?" or "I'm burning the midnight oil tonight because you know... I took two nights off this week for the bowling tournament and need to catch up on office paperwork now." Quickly tells a spouse just how much their company is valued and wanted...
Quote: How do you feel about Michele's staement of "If your spouse reports falling out of love, just say nothing and remind yourself that nothing is permanent. If s/he fell out of love, s/he can fall into love again"
All I can say is that this is much easier said than done. Goes back to the idea that love is both noun and verb... a feeling and an action or decision. My STBX told me in so many ways he didn't love me... it hurt like hell and I couldn't stand it any longer... gifts would be snubbed (called "phony gestures") so I could no longer convince myself no matter what I tried, space between us, listening to him, etc. I gave up.
Quote: What do you think about NOT talking to him/her about your, or their, feelings of love? About not putting any pressure on them to talk about it?
All I can say is it's damned hard. It's good psychology to move to the verb part of the word love and just DO IT, but it's equally difficult because you're making an investment and you are not sure whether you will receive a return on that investment. If your personal love tank is empty, it's pretty hard to to dish it out... need to find ways to do that...
Bluekeys, Sorry to hear about your D. Your words have so much hit home to me. We fell out of love because everything else became a priority. And there was nothing left for us.Huge mistake on my part and no matter how much I now try to reverse things, my H is not receptive to my gestures. So I just get tired and go back to occupying my time some other way. Now there is an OW in the picture. Not one he spends a lot of time with but one whom he feels deeply for. Don't know what to do. But best wishes to you. Lyn
Somehow your posts roped me back into Newcomers. You always do some thought-provoking posts.
I hope that's a "good" thing! I know that sometimes, too much thinking makes my head hurt!!
So... perhaps what I have to say is of little value to those new to this. Hopefully, not.
I think it's of GREAT value! Keep it coming!!
You brought up a good point on finding a balance in life. Often times, it seems like we were VERY good at the "get a life technique" throughout our marriages, and we go to the opposite extreme, focusing our entire life around our marriages, when things are on the rocks.
When it comes to the important relationships in our lives, it isn't a matter of "finding the time", it's a matter of "making the time".
This is a big trap that my wife and I both fell into. Not only in our relationship with each other, but our relationships with others.
I think that it gets to the point where it goes on for so long, that we feel we need to set aside a large block of time to make things right. This makes it too difficult in our busy lives, and just never seems to happen.
Instead of "promising" ourselves that we are going to spend 3 hours one evening during the week with our partner, what we happen if we were to split that 3 hours into 5 five minute periods throughout the day, when we give our spouse our undivided attention. What might happen then?
No matter how busy we are, it's usually pretty easy to find 5 minutes here and there that we might usually be wasting doing something that's not urgent. Spending these 5 minutes with our partner would qualify under the heading of "important".
Try taking these few minutes here and there to spend some "us" time with your partner. If you do, I have a strong feeling that the "butterfly effect" will take hold, things will start snowballing, and you'll find that both you and your partner might find that "making time" for each other is a priority.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Where are some places where you could start "stealing" some time from your day to spend with your partner, and what things could you do?
One place that I started was spending some time with my wife in the kitchen. Helping her to cook some meals, and do the dishes.
It wasn't a major thing, I just grabbed stuff out of the fridge for her, a few spices here and there, grabbed some pots, gathered dirty dishes, dried the clean ones, etc. No big deal, right?
The first time I did this, we didn't "talk" much through it. Just some basic stuff about the tasks at hand. However, after we were done, she told me how nice it was for us to spend the time together. So, seeing as how this was "something that was working", I kept doing more of it, and things kept getting better. We started talking more about things, about "us", and just generally started connecting more.
What we were doing was stuff that needed to be done anyway, we were just doing it together.
How many "little things" like this might you be overlooking? How might you be able to take a few minutes here and there with your partner to just spend some time together?
Ladies, what might the guys here be able to do with, and for, their partners?
Guys, what might the ladies be able to do?
Remember to look at the "little things", and keep it simple. Who knows where it may lead from there!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
