Ok, JJ... you've hooked me again... 3rd time tonight... can we tell BK has nothing better to do tonight?
It's wrong simply because we're individuals with differing needs, thought patterns, and desires. Simply put. To state that we each must have the same idea of loving is to give up who we are intrinsically as individuals... we're selling our souls to be accepted. Blunt, aren't I?
What's "real giving?" Good question. Can you hear me stutter in front of the class unable to remember my lesson? LOL... Ok, here's my shot. Real giving doesn't necessarily have to be precipated by neediness or a desire to be wanted or loved. You give because you honor your relationship and you respect the individual you are giving to. I think the best example I can give of this came from a very painful conversation I had recently with the STBX's GF. She stated she "gave" him things (money, clothes, etc.) to make him happy. I was stunned... how could he rely on someone for his personal happiness? That to me signifies a deep insecurity on the STBX's part, and her desire for love at any cost. I would help anyone important to me in time of need... that is without question... with money if I could, with my own two hands if I could, with anything possible legal and ethical. However, I would NOT do it as a means to increase MY personal happiness... my personal happiness and self-esteem is based on how I view myself. Confusing, eh?
How would my partner view this? Don't go there, JJ... obviously, I have no partner now because I guess I expected each of us to be responsible for our own happiness. I truly don't believe any M can survive if we were totally responsible for the other's happiness.
Giving to me is not a gift exchange or a competition. Sure, I give gifts at Christmas, for birthdays, and so forth. I enjoy doing so... the surprise to the other warms my heart. But, real giving is a giving of your spirit. If you have a sick or negative spirit, the giving is false.
I truly don't believe any M can survive if we were totally responsible for the other's happiness.
Amen, BK! I have to agree with you 100% there! The tough part is trying to let them realize that we aren't totally responsible for their "unhappiness"!
I think that one thing that we need to keep in mind is to not overlook "the little things". Stuff that may seem insignificant in the big picture, but that may add up to be something big in the long run.
In a DB'ing terms, letting the "butterfly effect" come into play, and make some small changes that could end up making some bigger changes start to happen.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
What things have you given to your partner that you thought would "bowl them over", but ended being merely a "that's nice"?
What "little things" have you given them that may have not seemed like much to you, but have meant the world to them?
What things does your partner hold most precious in their lives? What might they put in a scrapbook of their most prized possessions, and memories of their lives?
What do you know about what your partner likes that nobody else would know?
If the house was on fire, and they could only grab a couple of things out of there, what might they take?
What things in life mean the most to your partner, even if they might not mean much to you?
Some of the biggest gifts of real giving I've given to my wife has been real simple stuff. Things that I wouldn't particularly want, things that don't cost much, but things that I've given to her that no one else would think about.
A Rocky Horror Picture Show video. Any old Audrey Hepburn videos. A Lucille Ball biography book, and some of her commemorative stamps in a frame. A Scooby-Doo doll. Spending time with her family, without complaining! Having a Father/Son night every Friday night with my step-son. Coffee in the morning. Waking her up with a kiss, instead of an alarm clock. Etc., etc.
All of these things are more precious to her than diamonds. (At least that what she tells me!!)
What things could YOU do, and give, to your partner that might be a gift of real giving?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
What things could YOU do, and give, to your partner that might be a gift of real giving?
My W is very sensitive to judgments, not being treated like an adult. She is childlike and playful, but not immature. My best gift to her would be to treat her like the adult she is, accepting her faults and cherishing her for who she is. To lighten up. To let the little things go. To laugh more with her. To respect her, even if I disagree with her.
I'm only guessing, but might this be one of the things that attracted you to her in the first place?
My best gift to her would be to treat her like the adult she is, accepting her faults and cherishing her for who she is. To lighten up. To let the little things go. To laugh more with her. To respect her, even if I disagree with her.
This sounds like something that might not only do your relationship some good, but might do her, AND you, some good, too!
I wonder if anyone on their last days on this earth has thought, "I wish I was less childlike and playful, and had been a bit more mature"?
On both sides of the fence, we usually ALL have a lot we can learn from our partners. It's mostly just a matter of learning how to appreciate these lessons along the way.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quoting Jamesjohn:"In healthy marriages, spouses have the same definition of what it means to be loving" I don't think that is always true, otherwise we won't be here.
From your point of view, why is this illusion wrong? We are all different and until we find out what each of us want, it is hard to make this work.
How would YOU define "real giving"? Finding out what each others love language is and trying to fulfil our S love language as much as we can, to make them feel secure and know we love them.
What would this mean to you? Physical touch and quality time.
What do you think it would mean to your partner? Physical touch, quality time and a little acts of service.
obviously, I have no partner now because I guess I expected each of us to be responsible for our own happiness. I truly don't believe any M can survive if we were totally responsible for the other's happiness.