I think that disagreements are part of marriage. I think the people with the healthy marraiges have figured out how to handle these. My W and I used to argue all the time about anything I look back now and say how sad we were. I think the trick to conflict and disagreement is allowing your S to have there own point of view. Making it ok for them to tell you what there point of view is. Validating there feelings even if you disagree. Then trying to work out something that you both can live with. Another big thing is letting the stuff not affect how you feel about your S. Anyway just my 2 cents. Lee
By now, most of us are VERY aware of what we can do to start, or escalate, an argument with our partner. We know exactly what buttons to push to make a "discussion go south". We are experts on what it takes to really tick off our partner.
Take a few minutes to make a list of some of these things.
Now, review this list, and see if you can pick out some ideas about things that you can do that might help to make your arguments less heated, and more productive.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
My H avoids all conflict, not just now but I see now that he has to some extent in the past. Hence the lying. If he knows or even thinks I will get mad about something he did or is doing he will either A. avoid me. or B. lie to me about it.I don't think this is a very healthy way to live. I am usually a pretty rational person and (atleast not in the past)didn't blow up for small things.I have always choosen my battles but it doesn't stop H from avoiding.Some disagrements are good for a marriage.Shows that you are each your own person. Just my opinion.
My ex-B didn't tell me his feelings until it was too late. I knew occasionally he'd be like "you won't let me do xxx" and it was stuff we'd never even discussed! I had a hard time trusting him over one thing he'd done previously, but when I moved in with him, everything was pretty much a clean slate. If he wanted to go out on Wednesday nights, he should have just told me he was going to do that. We got into a pattern of mostly just spending time together, and he felt smothered - I can see that there were some signs of that, like my previous example. He just assumed things and didn't talk with me about them. And if I got a little hurt over some things, so what? He built up in his mind how I'd react and much of the stuff was really NOT a big deal to me.
On the other hand, he IS talking with a brief ex-girlfriend about what she did to him (she ditched him in front of a group of people they knew for someone else about 4 years ago, it was only maybe a one-month long distance thing to begin with). He had let her live that summer platonically in his apt too. So instead of working it out with the person who is here for him and loves him, he's talking with someone who's treated men like they were as expendable as toilet paper (she has a track record). And he's going in a couple of weeks to see her overseas. So he will discuss things, but in his own time and that might be a long time from now.
I think you do need some conflict in a relationship, in my previous marriage we were two people who didn't approach problems at all and I learned from that. That does not mean everything has to be solved 100%. There are things that people differ on. But it's important to respect the others viewpoint. My ex-b has a pretty violent temper - it isn't often, but he does rage. He'll never touch a woman in anger, but he has pointed his fingers in my face. That isn't a healthy thing, but at least it does blow over quickly.
I would also like to know how to stop bf "mind-reading" me...! He builds up these scenarios in his head of how I'll react, and then avoids me or lies to me...
Maybe I've given him reason to think this way from my previous reactions - I don't really understand how to have conflict in a constructive way, so maybe I just bulldoze...
Can I learn how to do this? Mel
It's time to live, it's time to love, it's time to do what's afraid of
It's time to breathe, time to relieve, it's time to shine
Quoting Mellers: I would also like to know how to stop bf "mind-reading" me...! He builds up these scenarios in his head of how I'll react, and then avoids me or lies to me... Mel
Is this a guy thing? It drives me nuts, because obviously for nearly two years (the time we were living together) he built it up in his mind that he couldn't do things. And he said he assumed that from things I'd said - things that had nothing to do with the matter he was upset about.
And now he's gone off the deep end.
The hard part also, and I really have to remember that Ex-b has a very ugly side to him, is that he won't usually tell me what he thinks until he is in a rage. And he will rage, sticking fingers in my face within an inch of my nose. The last time he did that was right before I left and I finally told him not to do that. He told me he could do it if he wanted. He has also told me things I should and shouldn't be doing (like which friends to talk to) while when I asked him to not discuss me with his friend, he said she was a friend and he could do what he wanted.
He was a little controlling when I lived there - but generally I just blew him off and he loses the rage very quickly (usually 5 minutes or so). But it's ugly, it's condescending and when he mocks me during it, it's really horrible. This wasn't something that happened often, but it's a side of him thats come out a LOT recently and it's something I need to concentrate on. Not just the really wonderful side of him - there is a lot of that. But the bad, and it's like a whole Jekyll/Hyde thing.
Some friends of mine really pounded into me today that it was verbal abuse, and they are probably right. It wasn't often, and I will take the bad (to a point) in a relationship when there is tons of good. But he does have problems and issues and I just try to picture in my mind the times that he is ugly and mean and hurtful - and it helps me detach some.
