In my sitch, my W did not ike to have conflict if she didn't get her way. She came from a family where the women "ruled" and the men were doormats. Anytime I would object to her point of view she saw it as a low in our marriage and anytime I agreed, it was a high. She told me she was sick of the roller-coaster ride and that she was supposed to be happy in this R. If she wasn't, then God was telling her to leave.
I look at the conflict and anger as signs that we are NOT doormats and need to negotiate solutions that are in the best interest of the family as a whole. We can agree to disagree but should not make any major decisions unless we BOTH agree. Since my W wanted to move 600 miles to be with her family for her own benefit and nothing else, I had to say no because I knew it wasn't best for our family and because I wasn't going to give up my job with no prospects on the horizon.
She felt that, as her husband, I was to sacrifice whatever so she could be happy (that's how her parents were). So, one day she visited her folks, called me and said that unless I moved, I would never see her again. I did, if only to save my family but, in the end, the inevitable happened: her mother took over as emotional support and I was put on the sidelines until I had had enough. Then she left me.
Conflicts are always going to happen. That's a given. The key is to learn to resolve those conflicts as a team with validation, patience and understanding. Because my W always relied on her mother to guide her in her decisions, I always was wrong because she felt her mother could do no wrong.
So in my case, conflict and anger did split us up, if only because I refused to be the doormat she wanted me to be.
I question this. I have a quicker temper than my STBX, although generally I would get upset, think it through, and get over it pretty quickly before we split up. He'd stew forever.
I would think it would be abnormal for two people in a long-term relationship to NOT have any disagreements. Conflict exists wherever you look... two people can have opposing views but it does not mean you do not love or care for them.
I think the REAL conflict occurs when you cannot respect, listen to, or understand the other's point of view. I'm a big girl... I understand that not everyone will agree with me or understand my view on an issue. The problem occurs when one or both partners refuse to negotiate or discuss an issue that is important to one or both. Not every problem may have a "solution," but understanding that something is important to your spouse and treating it with respect can go a long way towards maintaining the love and respect in a relationship.
I noticed this happening more and more in our M. For example, I became increasingly frustrated with the way the STBX handled our finances. Traditionally, he always had. I happily let him do this... he seemed to have wanted to do this since we were married. He became increasingly frustrated about this situation, and he honestly does not have many financial management skills and is not the type who will easily discuss problems... he's afraid to admit weaknesses. I tried desparately to get him to discuss the problems with me as I saw us go further and further into difficulties, and witnessed much money from house refi's going down the tubes with no accounting. Finally, he felt he got off of the hook with this situation by accusing me of wanting to control him through money. I felt disrespected and uncared for at that point... all I was concerned with was making sure we met our obligations and had wanted to work out a plan with him to do so... after all, wasn't I his partner?
I totally disagree, although unfortunately, my H would totally agree with this statement!
Conflict and anger in themselves are a part of life and can even be healthy. With anger, the trick is to focus on what your anger is trying to tell you, and then deal with that. And conflict can lead to growth and change. What is wrong with that?
I suppose what it comes down to is how you deal with conflict and anger. Some people, like my H, can't stand anger. He even said to me once, "How can you be angry with someone you love?" But even a calm discussion where we are not in agreement feels like a "fight" to him. I have become very careful to avoid discussing anything with him when I am upset or angry, and always make sure to seek his opinion on sticky issues. It's very tricky, but I think I am getting better at it, and it seems like we have better discussions. I still think he sees these disagreements as "fights" though. I'm still working on trying to make these discussions very peaceful and calm. I don't know if that will work, but I'm doing what I can.
Actually this was just the oppistie for me. My H would not enter into conflict with me under any circumstances. All he would say is that he would not fight with me because I would always win. I used to think that was because I was just more logical and right more times than he was. AHAH! WHat a mess I was!!!!
Anyway, my H stopped conflicting and just would say whatever I wanted to hear. HE would just yes maam me. That is when our M went down the tubes, when we could not discuss anything of conflict. Since there was not conflict then there really was no M. I kept getting my way, and did not even know that H was in disagreement. H just kept getting more and more resentful, until he finally said one day IDLY I am leaving! And that was it.
Recalling my personal situation, the statement is not correct. My W and I never argued, never entered into serious conflicts, showed no anger to each other. Yet she had fallen out of love. Out of the blue just like a volcano she exploded. She was building this volcano slowly - slowly day by day. And when it exploded everything just fell into pieces. If only I knew then what I know now!
I agreed with this statement - maybe I still do... maybe I just haven't found a good way to have healthy conflict...
My bf has said to me that he never felt he could say anything to me, because I'd get angry/upset, so he ended up not telling me things, bottling everything up inside, and in the end, we split. My way of dealing with difficulties was to blow up. His was to say nothing, even if he disagreed with me.
My parents divorced when I was 5, after an abusive M - father was an alcoholic. A violent one. I witnessed a lot of this, so I think my 5 yr old mind thinks if people argue, it means they don't love each other. So we didn't argue - I blew, he withdrew...
It's time to learn how to have healthy conflict...
Mel
It's time to live, it's time to love, it's time to do what's afraid of
It's time to breathe, time to relieve, it's time to shine
What were the times like when he felt that "he won"? How did you get there? What was he like afterwards?
Have you ever done a 180, and maybe tried to argue a point from the total opposite stance of how you actually felt? Tried to argue a point from what might be his stance on it? If so, how did that go?
I used to think that was because I was just more logical and right more times than he was.
Have YOU ever NOT been the logical one? Ever come from an emotional stance? Maybe a place that really didn't make much sense? An "illogical" point of view?
Are there any "exceptions to the rules", times when he may have felt satisfied after the two of you had a conflict? Times when things went better?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Ah, you hit on a good point. No I have never not been the logcial one. Even when I totally freak out, I got him down the road I wanted by Logic.
I can try not being the logical one and totally arguing a point from a different view.
Not much communication with H right now. In 2 weeks he can file for D, I think he is purposly staying away so he can feel guilt free to file.
I guess the 180 for me is not pursuing not calling not even talking to him when I see him out. (Not not talking to him but not going out of my way either. )
