NC, I'm so sorry for the tremendous pain she is causing you. I think the letter is a good idea. Keep them in a box and then later bury them, burn them, whatever makes you feel the best. Detachment is the key here. I know it's hard, but she is being extremely cruel. You have to protect yourself from her. Keep contact to a minimum.
Hugs
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I wanted time at work to read and respond to this, because I think our spouses are on the same page with their feelings for us.
I know Christmas was hard for us because we were all off together in the same house. It felt very stifled to me as well, and I can only imagine H's annoyance with me. You know, me just being there and breathing and all that.
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She cannot trust me
H has said this so many times to me. Thinks I am going to do all sorts of things to him. Thinks I am seeing someone. Its very tiring to deny these things, so I do it once (deny it) then leave it alone. It makes me furious when H says he can't trust me. Makes no sense....
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How do you affirm your WAS' feelings in the DB way when their feelings are so outrageous and hurtful? One cannot rationalize with this insane talk, nor can one affirm it in any way, and yet it begs for a response
Oh I wish I knew!!! They won't listen when you defend yourself (with the truth!), but expect you to constantly engage in talks about your shortcomings, how you make THEM feel... I totally agree, its like they want some sort of response, but I have no idea what that response should be. I suppose you are on the right path with "I am so sorry you feel that way". There really is nothing else to say. I, for one, am so tired of hearing what a horrible selfish person I am.
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In the past I would have to agree with her, because I really did have a problem with listening and comprehending what she was saying during the depths of my depression. But that is no longer the case.
Either she is so far gone that she wouldn't see any change that you have made, or she is scared, and *won't* see it. And don't knock yourself, a lack of communication is not a justification for an affair.
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I am just so devastated that she continues to have this animosity and contempt for me
Its heartbreaking, isn't it? It can bring me to tears. I am sorry you feel this pain too.
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Folks, today I am finally facing just how wide the gulf between W and I really is -- and how little progress we have made. We are so far from even being able to co-parent our S's effectively, divorced or not, I am beginning to lose hope.
Don't lose hope. This is ok. These talks are getting things off her chest. Co-parenting will get easier when emotions aren't running so high and detachment occurs (I can only pray!).
Here's my thing. Why does she think some piece of paper will make her feel so much better? What is the difference between now and the piece of paper? It will not make her any happier or at peace, she just thinks this. Are you still having issues with the SA or are you prepared to sign? I say sign if its ok with you and your atty.
I really appreciate you taking the time to consider and offer your advice.
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Don't lose hope. This is ok. These talks are getting things off her chest. Co-parenting will get easier when emotions aren't running so high and detachment occurs (I can only pray!).
I am feeling my hope wane for even the most meager of reconciliations -- where we are no longer at odds with each other with regards to the raising of our S's and we can tolerate each others presence in the lives of our children and thus in our own lives as well.
As I look at the cards today, full reconciliation (restoration of the marital relationship) is certainly out of the question -- I am no longer going to put my hopes on the line to save my M. Oh, I won't be shutting the door as yet, but I can no longer worry about something that is out of my control and appears more and more remote with each passing day. I am giving that to God. But last night was a real eye-opener -- if my W is so hostile and still so alien towards me after all these six months that she cannot abide my very existence now, I don't have much hope for being able to peacefully and rationally raise our S's together, let alone renewing my M with her.
I am beginning to think that my W is trying, consciously or subconsciously, to get me to walk away from my S's. If she can make all our lives a living hell, for the two of us and our kids, then maybe I will back off for my children's sake. If so, it's a foolish, dangerous game she's playing -- I won't let her do it, not without letting her know what she is risking -- I will take whatever legal action I feel necessary to shield my son's from such damaging behavior, even if it bankrupts us both.
I really hope it doesn't come anywhere close to that.
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Why does she think some piece of paper will make her feel so much better? What is the difference between now and the piece of paper? It will not make her any happier or at peace, she just thinks this. Are you still having issues with the SA or are you prepared to sign? I say sign if its ok with you and your atty.
No, it won't really make W feel better. I can see that. You can see that. Anyone can see that. It is just like W insisting that I get checked out for Asperger's Syndrome (which proved negative, and which she then immediately dropped)-- just some new hoop for me to jump through so she can blame her griefs on me. It's all me, always.
No, she'll never be satisfied.
For myself, yes, I have had serious problems with her precious Separation Agreement. W has presented me with about five different drafts now. Each version only changing in the slightest from her original. Her original was written by her using an online legal forms site the very week after the bomb fell on me. While I was in shell-shock over the bomb, W was trying to take advantage of me by trying to railroad me into her unfair agreement. I have refused to sign any of them. The more I read these the more angry I get for how subtlely unfair her document is.
For instance, I bristle at her wording of my time with my kids as being "visitation" instead of custody. No way on earth would I agree to that!
And in every version she continually fails to correct the discrepancies to the way our assets and liabilities are being split. We have a verbal agreement on those, and yet she leaves her unaltered mistakes in her document.
No, I am rewriting it with my own interests in mind and those of my sons. It will be far, far more equitable, but if she doesn't like it, then I'll see her in mediation.
Right. Do it, write it and present it. This is BS. She can't stand the sight of you. Too bad. Divorce does not end the relationship between two people. It changes it. You will still be in her life. She will still have to work things out with you. She will have to communicate with you several times a week. Divorce does not take the spouse out of the other spouse's life. She needs to accept reality, because the court will set up the way you and she deal with the children and the finances. She is not going to push you out of their lives.
How are you guys set up financially right now? Are you still supporting her life? Or are you paying child support? I agree with her that you two need toi split your finances. Give her that, But tell her point blank how you feel about the seperation. Tell her to go pay for a lawyer that your NIT signing anything you are uncomfortable with>
I am curious because she seems to be a real manipulater. Have you ever gotten angry with her. Like a hey listen you cheated on me!! You aren't innocent! You did your part in tearing this family apart. You have fear of me taking these kid's. Well, honey here is my fear I have two beautiful sons and you have a man in the wings waiting to be a father to them ar at least involved in their lives. How do I know you won'ttake off with your OM? YOU are the one who has changed here!
I am paying child support by paying our primary mortgage on our house -- which is quite a tidy sum each month and the reason we have been so house poor for the nearly eight years we've been in it.
And right now, whether we split or get back together, I am insisting our finances stay split.
Yes, I have in the past gotten angry with her and said some pretty caustic things regarding her adulterous behavior with the OM. I think, though, that she is now playing games with me on what is going on in her personal life. For some time now she has taken to never, ever acknowledging anything about OM - only saying something like, "You are just wrong about that!"
Maybe you are paying to much NoCode. If she wants this seperation legal maybe you should try giving her the life she wants. Let her be Miss Independent financially with her 25% a month or whatever it is in your state.
I was just wondering if you ever got your say in about what she has dome to harm the marriage. Sounds like you have. For my husband my anger is what made him snap for the better go figure. I could be nice and do things and GAL. Maybe the combination of everything helped. But when I went postal on him and got down right angry and pointed out all of HIS short comings and what people would think. Well, it's like he seen the light. At least I think.
I do remember reading that one. I think the idea of trying to remain as your spouse's friend is a good idea, at least in theory.
However, I am in a bit of a Catch-22 paradox with my W. I know full well what a friend, a true friend, would say and do around W. A true friend would never let her get away with half the crap she pulls.
My W, however, does not want me as her friend in any way, shape or fashion -- she only wants people to approve of and affirm her wrongheaded ways. She wants me to kiss her butt. Or to roll-over and give her any absurd thing she wants.
But while being that sort of "friend" might make her feel less hostile towards me, possibly even friendly, she would never respect me -- and that is the other serious issue between us. And without respect, our M would still be impossible.
Very true No Code. Because a friend tells you the truth. : ) LOL My grandma use to say if you love someone you would tell them right away if they had a booger hanging out of their nose. LOL!! I remember thinking ewwwwwww.
