Loc: North Carolina
I forgot to post the lyrics:
Change The World.
If I could reach the stars Pull one down for you Shine it on my heart So you could see the truth That this love I have inside Is everything it seems But for now I find It's only in my dreams
That I can change the world I would be the sunlight in your universe You will think my love was really something good Baby, if I could change the world
If I could be king Even for a day I'd take you as my queen I'd have it no other way And our love will rule In this kingdom we have made Till then I'd be a fool Wishin' for the day
That I can change the world I would be the sunlight in your universe You will think my love was really something good Baby, if I could change the world Baby, if I could change... the world
I could change the world I would be the sunlight in your universe You will think my love was really something good Baby, if I could change the world Baby, if I could change the world Baby, if I could change the world
Loc: North Carolina
Been feeling down today, and very overworked.
Got a terse reply from W on my brief "200 days" message, saying "I still don't know what you're talking about. Is this your idea of communication?"
She left me a voicemail too. I had made the mistake of mentioning to her that I was taking a vacation day tomorrow, and she is already asking me to use part of it to help her out. She scheduled an appointment at a portrait studio for our 2 S's to get their picture taken, but she can't make it -- so she want's me to take them instead since its my day off. She wants to work on baking Christmas cookies and then head into her office (yeah, sure -- where the OM is, no doubt.)
I don't mind extra time with my kids, but I also feel I shouldn't be enabling her to pawn her responsibilities off on me, especially when we are separated (hello?) and I am not going to be so accommodating to her needs and wants if we end in D. I feel like she needs to start recognizing and feeling the impact of these consequences.
I had to work late this evening, and so I called to talk o my kids from my office. W decided to ask again about me taking the boys to have their picture taken. W also commented, again, on my email to her, snidely saying, "I figured out what you're trying to imply -- Is this how you think you communicate?!" She went on to lambast me for poor, ineffectual communication skills. She said my obscure little remarks like that are representative of my problems and why our M failed. She said I have not shown any ability to be able to talk to her about how I am feeling or to say anything that has any depth or meaning.
Folks, at this last I nearly lost it. I was tired and irritable already from working so late, and while I got angry, I kept my cool. I told her that other than this one little email, I had been conversing with her via email and giving very heartfelt expositions for where I stand. She is just not listening. I said if anyone is failing the need for communication, she was. W has yet to reply to my prior email where I asked her to offer her thoughts, but she has not. I basically told her I was disappointed she was trying to make me out as having inadequate communication skills, when anyone seeing the essays I wrote to her would know otherwise.
I've stewed on this all evening, and will continue to do so. But I am so disgusted with W right now that I might be glad to divorce her, should it come to that.
She makes the appt to do a photo shoot, then asks YOU to take them?? Geesh. Like you said, you will never regret time with your kids, but geesh.
She said I have not shown any ability to be able to talk to her about how I am feeling or to say anything that has any depth or meaning
She has got to portray you as nearly impossible to deal with or reason with...ammunition and all. She is just spewing, trying to spin your wheels for whatever reason. Last ditch effort to push you away...not sure...But feet don't fail you now..you are doing so well. Let it roll off you.....
But I am so disgusted with W right now that I might be glad to divorce her, should it come to that.
I am curious about her comment about you not saying anything heartfelt. It sounds like maybe she hasn't given up on the thought of you two getting back together. Do you think maybe she is wanting you to say that you love her so much and want her back. It just seems like a weird comment. Or maybe she wanted you to say I really miss making love to you it has been 200 days and I miss you. I miss us.
I know that is easier said then done because you are hurting also. It just again seems like she is fishing or needing something. It could be the lack of communication bothered her a lot during the marriage. But maybe it is spew because you were open with her all the time. With my husband he is terrible at communicating. He tends to bottle stuff up and never validates me in any way. A lot of times that hurts and pushes me further away from him. In fact I am starting to consider divorce because I just don't know if I can keep doing this. He changes for a week if we have a serious talk but things always go back to the same way that got us in trouble before.
Sorry for my tangent about me. I guess the point is to it that I am also fearful of things going back the same way. I am not happy that way.
Loc: North Carolina
Lwb, Trying, et al.,
I really appreciate you all for being here and really listening to what I have to say -- the stark contrast to the way my WAW fails to hear me makes her "fog" so glaring.
Trying, I have considered some of what you have said. I just don't know. My W might have some schizophrenic part of her that wants us to get back together. In fact, in one of her recent emails she said something that made me wonder, "I feel peaceful now except when I make myself consider getting back together with you." -- which tells me that she is at least considering it. I thought briefly about mentioning this to W, but I know the most she'd ever admit would be that she was only thinking of our sons' well being -- she'd say she would never consider getting back together for any other reason.
I think the main thing with W is that she feels she must always keep me on the defensive. She's still in adversarial mode, but she wants to encourage me to communicate with her. Why? I have to ask. It's not like she fully reciprocates with me. I express my thoughts, my opinions, my feelings on philosophical and spiritual levels. I have even reiterated to her my position on D, our M and that I want her back, in every way -- of course, while also telling her I don't want our old marriage back and being prepared to move on, with or without her.
Her response? If she ignores what I say entirely and does not respond at all, then she rehashes her old beefs with me and replays the whole MLC/WAW litany. I never hear what her hopes and goals are, what she feels (other than contempt for me or remorse for what I have done to our marriage), what she values, nothing other than what she's framed in her precious Separation Agreement. I certainly have seen nothing that would indicate she's wanting to search her soul, to grow and put her own problems behind her -- except where she considers me to be the only problem. She gives me the terse responses that rehash everything she's said to me, by voice or in writing.
I admit that I have the dreaded "male disease" of being poor at expressing my feelings. But with her, in earlier times, I had no such problems -- I could and did bear everything with her. Unfortunately, as the years weared on and as my depression set in, I became more withdrawn. With us failing to spend adequate quality time with each other, as the demands of children and work grew and kept us apart, our intimacy has waned. I did begin to neglect her and our relationship at the same time I was neglecting my own needs. I couldn't see it then, but I do now and I take ownership for my sins in that. So, yes, the lack of communication that built up over time is something she continually draws upon.
But now, she is guilty of the same (and so much more). She's the one who's withdrawn and non-communicative, and even (in her own words) "cold and unloving".
It makes me wonder, yet again, whether the two of us have flipped 180 degrees out of phase with each other -- switching roles in this R.
Trying, talking about your sitch is very much helpful to you, me and us all. It's very much in context and gives us points to consider in our own predicaments. Your description of your H is pretty much how I was to my W in the months and years leading up to the bomb. The thing is the changes and the talks cannot be a temporary thing. They have to be made a part of one's life and ingrained in one's soul. That is a tall order for any of us, because it means sacrificing things that we thought gave us comfort. It's far from easy and takes time to find our way, but we have to try. Perhaps your H really needs to seek regular C to help him in this -- I don't recall where you said he is in his head right now. Are you in MC?