Wife has filed, what do I do ?

[grid, lost]

[quote=fooled again]We should change this to the Pizza thread! Now you've got me going too.

Tell me grid, what's the difference b/w NY style pizza, Chicago style pizza, and... are there any other "styles" of pizza? I only know thin crust, thick crust, "cheese in the crust" crust, but then again, I'm Canadian.

HI fooled again

I live in NYS in area often ref. Upstate NY. Upstate, north and well west of new york city. I am sure you know NYC is famous for their pizza and I believe were USA pizza originated from. anyway, NYC pizza is very thin crust, spicey sauce, real cheese. NYC pizza shops are on every corner. So upstate, many of the pizza shops make a sweet sauce pizza, with medium to thick crust as compared to NYC pizza. So when I say I had a couple slices of NY style pizza I am ref. the pizza is spicey like in the city. Actually the guys running the shop I get my pizza at, their grandfather had a shop in the "city". lol
Few times I have had pizza in mid west it is a sweet sauce pizza.
Now to tell the truth I have never ate pizza in a Canadian pizza shop before.

[fooled again]

Mike,

Wonder if she's got someone waiting? Just a wicked thought that creeps into my mind. I wonder if it will take her seeing me or hearing from friends that I was seen out with a women to cause her a little jealousy? Don't want to use anybody that way though.

It's not outrageous (or wicked) for you to think that - and I really hate to be the suspicious one, but that's what I would be thinking too.

Going out w/ a woman would not be "using" her, it would be enjoying a night out w/ a friend. It would only "using" if you were deceiving the woman into thinking it was more than friendship. The important thing is that your W would see that you can enjoy the company of someone else if she's not interested in being that someone. "Big Yellow Taxi", by Joni Mitchell - "you don't know what you've got till it's gone".

The biggest problem I have w/ DBing is trying not to appear to H that he is my only hope for happiness in my life. I want to make sure he knows (and I know) that if he decides he doesn't want me after all my efforts, and I think I will one day (don't know when) reach a point where I'm done waiting for him to come back to me, I won't spend my life as a spinster, pining away for him. I'm going to go out and have fun and try to meet someone else - why shouldn't I be happy? I've got an awful lot of love to give to someone who wants it.

So if you want to show your W a glimpse of a future w/o you, and let her see you going out and trying to be happy, what's wrong with that? I think she needs to see that.

It's like me telling my H about the new gym I'm going to & the mtg I had w/ a trainer (a guy). There's nothing wrong w/ H thinking about me meeting other men out there. I don't make him think I'm seeing anyone, it truly is all innocent, but he does need to know that I'm something special and if he doesn't want me, someone else out there will.

Good luck w/ your property settlement. Maybe the reality of D will start to hit your W as the "red tape" starts to unravel. Hopefully she may start to rethink things or at least slow down the pace of it.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and I'll say a prayer for you too.
FA

[fooled again]

grid, lost,

I used to live in Ontario, so I know where "Upstate New York" is. I've even crossed Lake Champlain on a ferry on my way to Cape Cod.

Okay, thin crust is better, but once in awhile a like a thicker crust if it's really good & kindof crunchy. Spicy sauce, mmmm! Real cheese? I'm sorry, I don't understand - that's like saying "real water". Do people actually use "fake cheese" on pizza? How tragic!

Canadian pizza is pretty much the same as American pizza - we have Pizza Hut, Domino's, Little Cesaer's, etc. and lots of family owned little places, but most do the "commercial" pizza. But for real thin crispy pizza, you've got to really search. We go to a place in a trendy area that makes thin crispy crust pizza in a real wood oven. Oh my it's good, but expensive, so it's a treat. The only problem with this place is that I'm positive H has been there w/ OW. I try not to think about it, though, one of those triggers that I'm trying to reprogram in my brain. I will not give up my fav pizza place b/c of OW; I will not let her ruin the good things in my life. Glad I got that out of me. But honestly, some days I just want to move to another city.

Anyway, I also like to make pizza at home too, but can't seem to get the crust as crispy as I'd like. Mmmmm. I think this will be a w/e to make pizza at home!!! Maybe I'll try Mike's sauce recipe.

FA

[micoms]

The national pizza places are the worst. Ask for extra cheese and you can still see the sauce through the cheese. The best pizza i've had is in a little town outside of Cleveland, they have death by pepperoni. Triple pepperoni, double cheese and bacon. D19 was into modeling and had to be in Medina every other weekend. We found that place when S25's soccer team played in a tournament up there.

I guess you're right fooled, if two people are just out enjoying a night out together it wouldn't be using each other.

just got home from D24's house. Her BF called me and wanted some company, he's out of work right now and staying home with GS. W came home from work ans was surprised to see me there. Talked a little bit about her work, she had to lift a lot of heavy boxes and was tired. She fell asleep of course. I was planning to leave about 4PM, she had gone upstairs to take a nap. I knocked on her door, asked to talk. Asked if D24 was in need of money for groceries, I'm getting a disability check and a vacation check soon I could buy some groceries for them. I also brought up Dr Phil, She said you think I want to put my M problems on national TV? I said I'm willing to do anything to get our M back, if it means airing my dirty laundry to the world so be it. Told her they are going to call her, I gave the show her phone # and address. So it looks like a no go. I talked to her about wanting to work on our M, that when we S I thought she had issues she had to work on. I didn't read DB or DR until we came back from vaca late Aug. and now I see I did every thing wrong, that I had issues that i needed to deal with, I needed to change myself. Told her I should have told her I loved her, hugs and morning and good night kisses and more affection every day. That I am willing to make those changes.

Told her about Retrouvaille, how it is run and I would like to go to it with her, that I don't want to leave a stone unturned to try to save our M. I told her I know she's afraid I will only make changes until she come back and then go back to the way I was. It won't happen this time and she will never know if she doesn't give me an opportunity to show you. Do you want to look back in 3 years and wonder if we could have made it or not? Told her that Retrouvaille says there are four stages to marriage, romance, Disillusionment, Misery and Awakening. We are in the misery our R has never been worse, with some guidance and work on our part we can experience the awakening. She said she doesn't think MC helps, we went to it twice and it didn't work. I told her that this was different, its a whole weekend, not just an hour every other week, with things given to us to work on and follow up visits for 12 weeks. That if we do this our M will be better that it has ever been and more than we could dream it to be.

I asked her to think about it and that I want to get the love back that a H and W feel. I know what it could be and want it to be. Let's hope she thinks about it.


Mike

[fooled again]

Mike,

You're up late! I really hope your W does think about Retrouvaille and allow the idea to just sit there for awhile and maybe take root, not just say no to it immediately. For me, often it takes awhile for an idea to make sense to me. At first I may think its a terrible idea, but after awhile it starts to make a little sense, then it grows some more. I would have guessed that she wouldn't go for Dr. Phil - that would be a tough one for anyone, and the notoriety of everyone knowing your issues would be too much for a lot of people, myself included.

At least she listened to you and didn't just shut you out. You were able to tell her how important she is and your M is to you and that you are trying to find concrete ways to work out the problems in your M, not just asking her to come back and "you'll change".

You know, I didn't read DB or DR until my H moved out, and even then I didn't "get" the message until a few months ago. I kept looking for a recipe to fix my marriage. But we can all look back and see the mistakes we have made, things we did all wrong, situations we handled badly. I know I make mistakes nearly daily, or at the very least I am inches from making mistakes, often pulling myself back at the last second. Like today, but I won't fill your thread with my sitch. Suffice it to say that DBing is a moment by moment challenge for most of us, forget day by day.

Don't beat yourself up about your mistakes. You're doing the best you can. I wouldn't push Retrouvaille, just let her chew on it for awhile. She may come around, if only to say she tried everything, and it just may be what changes things. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can for you.

FA

[grid, lost]

[quote=fooled again]grid,

so I know where "Upstate New York" is. I've even crossed Lake Champlain on a ferry on my way to Cape Cod.

Okay, thin crust is better, but once in awhile a like a thicker crust if it's really good & kindof crunchy. Spicy sauce, mmmm! Real cheese? I'm sorry, I don't understand - that's like saying "real water". Do people actually use "fake cheese" on pizza? How tragic!

FA,
Yep, there are places that use fake cheese !!!!! Sorta like the fake crab meat we all eat.
Best pizza are the local generation after generatin shops. THe national chains are nothing compared to local shops. As micoms was saying. I am sorta temped to try and make my own pizza as well after reading all the pizza posts and mikes input.
Lake Champlain, have never had the chance to go there, yet. lol
i live way south and west of there. base of finger lakes of NYS . Ever been to finger lakes wine country?
Fun Come in winter and on sunday, wineries that are open are a hoot. After all, in the middle of the winter all the wine makers have to do is drink the wine !!!
grid, lost

[grid, lost]

I guess you're right fooled, if two people are just out enjoying a night out together it wouldn't be using each other.

Careful Mike, going out with another woman could be quickly or maybe I should say, in state we are all in, will quickly become EA !!! that is no different than a PA and EA is not what you want to do at this time. Trying to make your W jealous and mad because she hurt you is not going to work. Think about this long and hard. Don't you believe that is how all most all PA start, "just friends". ???
Believe me, I am not made of stone and am starting to get very lonely. Wish i had someone to just share the day or evening with. Really starts to get into your head. Last couple days I have been thinking about this all a lot. Am considering giving this stitch till year 2 and by then, guess it is over and I need to accept that. Start to pick up and build a new life and with some hope find another to share some of my life with. So I do understand how you are starting to feel.

Told her about Retrouvaille, how it is run and I would like to go to it with her, that I don't want to leave a stone unturned to try to save our M. Do you want to look back in 3 years and wonder if we could have made it or not? Told her that Retrouvaille says there are four stages to marriage, romance, Disillusionment, Misery and Awakening.

This is good, W did not say, NO ! She is giving all of this some thought. Maybe just maybe like you she will at least three years from now want to be able to look back and say I tried everything.! Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Have any dates in which you two could sign up for? Maybe next time you talk to W have a couple dates and ask her which would work best for her to go with you.
How did court go?
grid, lost

[micoms]

Grid,

My atty didn't show up, he was caught up in another part of town. It is continued until 10/23. Talked to W's atty, he is her cousin, I've met him several times and we have gone out to dinner a few times together. He asked me how I'm doing since surgery. told him physically I'm fine, mentally and emotionally I've never felt so bad. Told him I don't want this D, she is the only one who wants it.

I don't think I'm ready to date, just was blowing off steam. I did talk to her about a few things while at D24's house. I said I know she is afraid that I can't change and if I do I'll go back after she comes home. She agreed that would be the case, I said that wouldn't happen, I've read a lot of books on R's and see the things I need to do. I don't think I did a good job of listening to her when she talked, I defended my point of view too much. She did say that I told one of her girlfriends H that W had sex with three men. Told her he didn't understand what I said, I said to him she may have had 3 EA's don't know if they were PA's, but it doesn't matter to me.

Next Retrouvaille session is in April. Sent request for information and an E-mail asking about follow up visits. W works retail and has to work weekends.

The kids are hounding me about pizza night, it will have to wait until I get some paychecks after returning to work. I'm ready to go back, just don't want to be a downtown guy. I'll give it a try, if I don't like it I can always go to another company, though it would be hard to leave I've worked for mine over 20yrs. All benefits would stay the same if I did. A guy at another company has been after me for years to go to his. He's going to retire soon, I could take over his route.

Mike

[grid, lost]

[quote=micoms]Grid,

Sorry this post turned out to be really long!!

My atty didn't show up, he was caught up in another part of town. It is continued until 10/23.

Good, Good, Good!!!!!!! Delay, Delay, Delay !!!! LOL Might ask your attorney if he could find a few more NO Show , situations for you.

Talked to W's atty, he is her cousin, I've met him several times and we have gone out to dinner a few times together. He asked me how I'm doing since surgery. told him physically I'm fine, mentally and emotionally I've never felt so bad. Told him I don't want this D, she is the only one who wants it.

Mike, I know this is going to sound really cold. But please keep in mind I have worked for several attornies and have hours of professional work with them. I've watched the sharks in action and they are no dolphines!
Strongly suggest you not talk to W's attorney about anything to do with you, emotionally, money wise, health, the dog, personal property, your job. In D you would never believe how opposing attorney can take the smallest item/thing and turn it against you in court. Please for your own well being and to GAL, let W figure out what you are doing, if talk with her attorney, stick to sports, current events, and the weather, or community projects he is involved with. Little attorney ego stroking never hurts. lol serious. What about your dog, is she/he (dog) registered with AKC and if so is just your name on her papers? Honest we have a cut throat attorney in town who is famous for using family pets to get what he wants for his client. Since H helped me so much with showing, out of respect for him (HA!) I double register the dogs....always saying if you leaave me and ever mess with my dogs, you will wish...you can fill in the blank. First day I saw him after leaving me, slapped all papers down on table and said you need to sign these papers and give up ALL Legal Rights to the dogs. H signed off with tears running down his face. I must sound like a real B**ch, I am telling you the truth about the attorney game. W's attorney may even have talked to you for just that reason. Remember the attorney see it all as just business. In court, attornies will try to tear each other apart, walk out the door, shake hands, and be best of friends. HONEST. That said, be careful and Now you are going to work on Delay the D, GAL, and R with W. Right ??? Isn't this what you would tell me, Mike?

I don't think I'm ready to date, just was blowing off steam.

Awe, good to hear and certainly know about venting, you are my number one vent receiver from me. As you tell me this is where we vent and blow off steam. Off the boards we work on Gal and R if possible.

Next Retrouvaille session is in April. Sent request for information and an E-mail asking about follow up visits. W works retail and has to work weekends.

Had an idea which might help you with Retrouvaille and W. How about if next time you discuss Retrouvaille with W, reassure her or is it validate her fears and concerns about you. Tell her you fully understand she will need to take her time about moving back with you. That is should W deside to work on R. She can take as much time as she needs to feel comfortable and you will not judge her. W works weekends, mike focus, try not to use this as an excuse to put off, delay, or pass on Retrouvaille. Every employee has personal and family matters that require time off. Her boss should understand this even if she has to push the issue a bit. Once you are back working if possible each paycheck put just a bit aside for emergency, as in W looses job to join you @ Retrouvaille. Realize I'm really far reaching, still should this be her concern (loosing job) you can always say have extra aside for "just her" so she stays financially afloat. Just a thought. LOL, can you see I really want to see W give you a chance, just a chance. ??

The kids are hounding me about pizza night, it will have to wait until I get some paychecks after returning to work.

Bet the kids are after you for your famous pizza. Can I come and have some too???? Or how about over nighting some to NYS?????? MMMMMMMMMM There are others on these boards who are drowling (sp??) for your pizza. Darn to far for a drive by house call. lol

don't want to be a downtown guy. I'll give it a try, if I don't like it I can always go to another company, though it would be hard to leave I've worked for mine over 20yrs. All benefits would stay the same if I did. A guy at another company has been after me for years to go to his. He's going to retire soon, I could take over his route.

Now stop that!!! You are to highly respected and wanted for your company to leave you in a dead pan situation. Besides, if you do have a make a change of jobs, ask for more money from company #2. Then when you tell present company your new offer, they'll have to give you more money to stay. Think of it as a game of pool, stand back and clear the table deck!!!

[grid, lost]

<Next Retrouvaille session is in April.>

mike,
ok, 3 months away ..hm hm.. maybe there will be a way to Delay, D, till after W and you attend Retrouvaille. lol I am starting love this word associated with you, "Delay".
I would love to talk to some one who has gone . Sounds like a very beneficial investment of time and emotion. Wish my H were spiritual and had an interest in such. Then again, maybe that is part of the problem, a Retrouvaille would aid him in finding his own spirituality (sp).
grid, lost