King of Pain, 2

[Yoyowife]

NCB,
I'm glad that you and sons had a nice visit with your dad. I'm sure it meant the world to him. You are such a brave man to take such a long trip with two little ones by yourself. Now that's what I call a "real" man! Forget all that macho stuff, women love a sensitive loving man.

[LL44]

Let her be stupid. Not my problem.

You are the KING of detachment. That is so good for your mental well being. You are right, it sucks you don't know what she did while you were gone, but not really caring is great. A meeting...puleeeeeze........

Funny how your kiddos didn't want the trip to end and didn't want to see Mommy. Yesterday I said to D5 "Wasn't it cool Daddy got to finally eat lunch with you at school?" and D5 point blank said "No, I wanted you." LOL!

Is your S2 potty trained? I don't know why I thought about that and your road trip. LOL

Your W is such a fool. Why do these spouses 'throw' us away, we are all not perfect, but darnit, we are good catches.

[NoCodeBlues]

Yoyo,

Like I said, they make it easy. The only bravery was having to worry about W freaking out while I had our S's away in another state. Up until the MLC she's been fairly rational, but since then there have been incidents where she's displayed such paranoia and suspicion of me and my motives (as if I am the one who's acting strange and untrustworthy). And W about had a major hysterical fit Labor day weekend when I took the boys fishing (all discussed/planned well in advance) and she couldn' reach me on the cell phone for about a one hour period. She had actually thought I had parentally kidnapped our children and was fleeing to another state.

So, you can see why I thought she was on edge with me having our S's with me on this trip out-of-state. I think that is the primary reason she was more friendly while we were away, and when we returned she saw that our S's were safely back home, then she could drop the niceties and go back to being cold.

She still doesn't trust me. That's okay; she has an even deeper hole to dig her herself out of with regards to my trust of her.

[NoCodeBlues]

Lwb, your D5 is a smart cookie. She knows who's really looking out for her.

S2 is not potty trained. He still wears pull-ups, and with him turning 3 next month it is time for him to be trained. I think he's more ready than he knows. On the road trip, he seemed to be actually holding it better than S6. He seemed to be drinking plenty of water, but while on the road her tended to hold it despite having a pull-up as his "saftey net".

S6, on the other hand, is potty-trained. And he tends to drink like a camel, only all the time. As a result he had us stopping quite frequently at times.

[LooseThread]

NCB,

But since going dark, probably over the last several weeks I have noticed a huge change in W. She is more respectful and agreeable in everything, including custody and asset sharing.

AndyV

Hi andy...when you go dark, does it get worse first before getting better? I've tried going dark in the last few days and got blasted for it last night becuase I hired a babysitter without telling him (can't win...)

[LL44]

Andy, D3 wasn't potty trained until she was just about 3. We didn't think she would make it to preschool (have to be trained), but didn't push it. We were just going to pay for her spot til she was ready. No need to rush is my opinion.

I think its the WAS's normal reaction to be suspicious of us, to think we are going to do all these bad things (cheat like them, take the kids, hide money). I have heard all of those things from H. I never even thought those things, and couldn't believe it when he told me he was very worried those things were going to happen.

but since then there have been incidents where she's displayed such paranoia and suspicion of me and my motives (as if I am the one who's acting strange and untrustworthy).

Yes!

[Yoyowife]

NCB,
I remember stressing out over my DD not being potty trained as quickly as my friend's DD. I was talking to one of the other teachers and she really put it in perspctive for me. She said "Don't worry about her, I've never known anyone who graduated from high school that wasn't potty trained." We all know when they are ready they are ready. It's one of those things we learn about our children, they all have a mind of their own. My two DD still have a mind of their own, LOL.

Just be glad it's potty training, wait until you have to teach them to drive. That is not fun at all. I think that's when gray hairs started springing up here and there, LOL.

[NoCodeBlues]

No sweat, everyone. Thanks. S2 will be fine. While potty training for S2 is a goal of ours this year, I know it will have to be on his schedule, not ours. His preschool encourages it as a practice. While S2's shown reluctance in the past, I know that he now has the ability to control himself better -- he's ready physiologically, and just needs a little coaxing and encouragement. So I'm not worried.

[NoCodeBlues]

Hi, all,

Just wanted to take a moment from this incredibly crazy busy weekend to leave a note. This weekend I do not have our S's as usual, because I have been working a marathon at work implementing a major project -- one we've been planning and developing for over a year. So W took the boys to the state fair -- wish I could have gone too, but then again I had them for a three-day weekend last week.

Speaking of which, earlier this week I spoke to my brother's wife. She told me she had gotten an email from my W, sent prior to our family get-together at my father's home this past weekend. SIL had not had a chance to read it before this week. Basically W was trying to make me sound as if I was being irrational and damaging to her and our family, by me supposedly putting the extended family and our S's between the two of us. W said in her email that she was fearful of what more harm I might do to our S's -- namely telling them their mother is a lier and denigrating her. She basically warned (threatened) my SIL that she was not going to tolerate any harmful words that might be spoken in front of our S's (either by me or anyone else) during that trip. And then she said something about how I am "so cold and hateful" when I am around her that she always breaks down crying after I finally leave. WTH?!!!

I have to believe that the words written to my SIL were really a poorly disguised attempt to send a message to me. W has already commented to me in private that she thinks my SIL talks too much and can't keep her mouth shut about other people's business, so I would have to think that W expects my SIL to spill the beans. And while SIL did indeed end up sharing the message with me, it was only after SIL asked me first whether I really wanted to hear what W wrote. I almost said no. But since I figure it was a message really meant for me, I figured I might as well know.

So, I see it as just a bunch of Alien Spew (TM) meant to intimidate me through my SIL.

On Friday, I got word from the "grapevine" that W had been to see a L. It is a bit alarming at first blush, but then I've seen a L already myself (as part of my employer's EAP).

Last evening (Saturday) I called to talk to my S's before their bedtime; I also talked to W and I thanked her again for letting me take our S's to see their grandfather last weekend and that I was so glad she got some time to spend with them on such a nice day at the fair. Again, W said "It was the right thing to do."

I then started to mention that I had finally contacted another therapist for S6's Asperger's Syndrome. But W surprised me first by telling me she went to see a L, or in her words "legal counsel". I did not expect her to actually tell me about the visit to the L, but she did. She did however couch it in saying this L was also a mediator and W strongly suggested we opt for mediation. W then suggested we both sign her Separation Agreement. It sounds like this L/mediator might have blessed the SA even though it uses terms unfairly favorable to W at my expense.

I was very calm and nonchalant with her, basically telling W I would like to review anything first before I do anything, especially before agreeing to anything legal. I committed to nothing definite but left her with the possibility of reaching an agreement at some point after careful examination. Yes, stalling tactics.

Then W really tried to get at me and push my buttons. W said, about letting me take our S's on our road trip last weekend, how scared she was, and that she felt getting our custody agreement legalized was now all the more important. I asked her why she said she was fearful. W replied that until recently I was being frequently irrational and unreasonable, and that caused her to fear that I would do something harmful while traveling in another state.

I considered my reply for a moment and said, "So this is a matter of trust in me that is causing you this fear?"

W said yes and repeated that up until recent I have been so irrational and disagreeable.

I paused again and told her I was sorry she feels that way. I didn't press any further. I knew better and remained calm and ignored any bait. My first instinct was to tell her (again) that I am not the one who has been acting untrustworthy and acting unjustly (and that she is the one who is displaying a painful lack in moral integrity). I wanted to tell her that she was constantly assuming the absolute worse about me. I wanted to tell her that my running off with our S's (hiding in another state) would harm me and them more than it would her, and I would never do anything so morally wrong or so hurtful to my children. I wanted to tell her that she has misjudged me and my intentions throughout this entire ordeal. But I knew she would not hear it. I let it go after that.

I think I somehow managed to remain calmly quiet and reserved and ended the conversation in a neutral if not very upbeat, friendly tone. She wasn't getting the fight she would have normally expected.

I am now thinking that something is prompting her actions again. If she was truly scared that I would do something stupid last weekend. Then surely I have now successfully accomplished that which should have allayed those fears? You'd think? In fact, we, the S's and I, had a great trip and I brought our boys right back home all safe and sound. And I and no one in our family said anything at all to our S's about their mother and what was happening to rip their family apart. Nothing was said that would force them to have to "choose between their mother or father", or to cast judgment on their mother's behaviors. The evidence shows that her "fears" were proven unfounded.

No, W is taking a new tact again. She takes any positive actions and behaviors by me as a sign to step up her campaign to end our M.

It makes me wonder. Is there some Anti-DB book out there that the WAS' are following. Because it sure seems sometimes that W is playing the exact opposite approach from DB/DR.

(Wow, so much for a little note!)

[RedHeadWife]

It sounds like you are doing really well though. Totally reacting calmly like you did and not allowing her to push your buttoms was awesome.

Keep it up!! That is what will bring her around. She needs to see/know for herself that the changes you are making in yourself are for real. She will hopefully realize that she is going to be losing A LOT.

I know w/ my H, it was me just being supportive and loving instead of kicking his a$$ to the curb like I at times wanted to was what finally brought him around. He realized if I loved him enough to "put up w/" all that he had said & done and still lovingly supported him, he would be pretty "silly" (ok would like to use other words, but...) to let me and our M go.