My W, the RN, who thinks she's an "expert" on Asperger's and Autism Spectrum Disorders just because she reads a lot of books on the subject, should know better than to push a hereditary link and assume that one has been fully proven -- the jury is still out on that one. They (the real experts) feel there could also be a perinatal cause, with several different possibilities for that. So it could also have been triggered by the allergic reaction to liver toxins she had about two weeks prior to giving birth to S6. We just don't know.
Lwb, I meant that I have been cattle-prodded by my W to get screened for AS so she could satisfy in her own mind that these negative facts in our lives -- the failure in our marriage and the problem our son has with AS can be pinned on me. Now that I can prove her assertions are unfounded because her basic premise is untrue, I don't really know what to say to her. I don't know if at this point letting her know she's wrong about me is going to have any positve effect. I know I need to act "as if" and not try to anticipate her reaction or her next step, but I can't help but know she will either ignore and deny my new facts, or move on to the next excuse.
I think I just have to tell her that I can't stop her from what she wants to do. It's her life and while I want to renew our marriage and rebuild our family I can't keep her from running away if that's what she really wants. So, now that we know that this AS gambit is pointless, she needs to stop trying to find excuses and demonizing me.
I find that W's lack of curiousity about my intake interview is in itself quite curious. I am sure she is very curious, but she has not asked yet. I know she remembers that it was today. Oh, well, perhaps she's convinced she already as all the answers and doesn't need me to corroborate.
I find that W's lack of curiousity about my intake interview is in itself quite curious. I am sure she is very curious, but she has not asked yet. I know she remembers that it was today. Oh, well, perhaps she's convinced she already as all the answers and doesn't need me to corroborate.
Nocode,
I would wait then until she asks, IF she asks. This "lack of curiousity" must also be a WAS trait. My W does not asks me much eather. Not sure why. I think she is afraid of starting a conversation going that may lead to R talk.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Yeah maybe that is a good idea to wait until she asks. Maybe you could just suggest that it's her turn to get tested so you can make sure it isn't hereditary.
Since "they" still have questions about this being hereditary, I see no harm in suggesting she get tested. Whether or not she does is a completely different story. In my sitch, my wife would turn around and say "but I'm not the one with issues".
Your W's lack of curiosity could be due to the fact that she knows she's grasping at straws. I agree with you, now that this has been dispelled, she'll find other reasons why YOU have the lead role in all life's problems.
Early on I would have told my wife the good news as a test to see where her head was, fully expecting, I'm sure, that she'd be happy for me - proving she still has love for me. That's not me anymore though. If things were fine between you, of course you would but now, if she wants to know, let her ask. IMO.u
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
It's been a few days since I updated my sitch. And lot has happened that I am still trying to sort out.
Well, the W finally asked about the intake interview. It came up during a cellphone conversation on Wednesday night, when she started to say something about the other therapist we had gone to see last month (who was not really a specialist with Asperger's children, but was willing to take the insurance money to have us merely discuss our parenting skills and act as S6's "advocate"). I was replying that I was no longer in favor of continuing that path even though the therapist was a referral from my employer's insurance plan, and W was agreeing fully about the dubious benefit we would see in pursuing that route when she suddenly remembered and said, "Oh, by the way, how did your meeting go with the UNC group?"
I then told W all about what that interview involved, and I led W through to the end where the conclusion made was that there was just not enough traits they could see in me to pursue anymore tests for Asperger's Syndrome (AS).
W's initial reaction was a sort of, "um, okay... ?" She really did not have much of a response. She did not try to belittle it or blow it off, but she also did not admit that she had made a mistake either, which I really never expected anyway from her. She tried to quietly regroup at that point and push on to a tangent about our S6. From that point on she tried to stay focused on what the UNC group could do for S6 and made no more mention of what they could do to diagnose me.
It was a quiet victory, if you could call it that. But all in all, the entire conversation was somewhat pleasant and positive, even in the lead-up to the topic of my AS screening results. At no time did we argue, in fact we seemed to agree on everything. We seemed on the same page in making decisions about our sons, including therapies for S6. It was odd and more characteristic of how we saw eye-to-eye so well in prior years.
Most importantly she was softening up with regards to the upcoming holidays. I had begun to talk to her via email on Monday to inquire whether she was interested in hearing my thoughts on her original proposals for Thanksgiving. We've since had several emails passed between us. She announced that her cousin would not be stopping by on the way through here this weekend, and that she had to agree that it was more important for our 2 S's to be with their father on a holiday than to visit with a Great Aunt & Great Uncle, especially since she was definitely going to be working that day anyway. So that opened a line of dialog where we're negotiating the specifics for how we arrange for our children to spend time with us, separately.
That leads into another subject. We have had a lot of emails between us this week. After several weeks now of me being mostly dark, with the exceptions of a few backslides in that regard, I was testing the waters of détente. For the most part W has seemed very receptive and encouraging. She has even thanked me for communicating openly and fully with her again. For some reason she actually seemed pleased to se that I was coming out of stealth mode and was willing to engage her via email conversation.
This dialog has almost entirely been R related, but I don't think I hurt my position even if it might not have really helped it either. Thursday W began to reopen the subject of our problems in communication in our M, and from there we're back discussing what happened and what we each think went wrong.
This dialog has been in very dangerous territory for proper DB'ing, and it seems like W is enticing me to come out of "silent running" so she can either honestly talk or to start launching "depth charges" (to continue the submarine warfare analogy) ...in a sucker punch maneuver -- I'm not quite sure which. However, when she begins to use words like "I've given up. I have nothing left to give. I’m sorry. It just hurts too bad. I haven’t seen anything from you that makes me inclined to trust you. I don't believe you've really changed." then I realize she's back to trying to get me to give her more ammo to continue running away from the M. This latest retreat by her came when I mentioned that she had failed to give me an ultimatum before she began to silently walk away.
At no point, in recent weeks, have we discussed the OM and the A. At several points in this latest dialog where she was blaming me for a lot of our marital ills, I refrained from mentioning those serious, elephant-in-the-middle-of-the-room transgressions by her, out of concern that she would run away again rather than hear about her own peccadilloes. Other than the bit about the ultimatum, I have played way to nice but without becoming a doormat. (I have learned that being the doormat only hurts me more than not, so I will defend myself where I deem it is warranted.)
I really don't know whether to go back to silent running or not.
Okay, 2x4 time. No, don't bother, I've got my own to whack myself with. But feel free to join in.
After another response from W via email, I began to retrace the thread of our conversation over the last week. And then it struck me -- no wonder W is being so friendly and conversational, not only does she never acknowledge that her A is a serious breach both in her character and our M, at no time in this dialog has she fully accepted her part in the failure of our marriage. She's letting me take all the blame again. When she says she's "sorry", it's in the context of being sorry that I screwed up, not her.
She's eating this up -- she's getting to scapegoat me (again) for all that is wrong.
Man, I can be such a patsy! I know I now need to re-read DR, since this is going way beyond "as-if" into foolishness.
The latest "spin" that W is trying to pass off is that, in response to my statement (of fact) that she never gave me an ultimatum (which I have repeated to her several times over the last four months), she now claims she did mention to me about divorce prior to the bomb. WTF?!!! Cuckoo! Insane!
There's an old saying - don't argue with a crazy person lest you go crazy as well.
So I am going dark, folks. Pitch black. I'll be friendly, cordial even (only for our children's sake), but I'm not going to play these games anymore. No, not when she's still looking for ammo. Whether it's by being friendly or nasty, building her case against me is all she's interested in.
she now claims she did mention to me about divorce prior to the bomb. WTF?!!! Cuckoo! Insane!
I hear this too! I don't know where I was when my H approached me that our marriage was in trouble prior to the bomb, but apparently he did it all the time? WTF?
Quote:
She says she can't trust me!
I can 'one up' you on this one. Not only can H *not* trust me, he thinks I am cheating on him. CUCKOO for sure!
My H flat out refuses to talk about how OW could possibly be part of our problem. When we R talk, we conveniently only have enough time to go over all MY issues, somehow never seem to talk about what he has done to tear us apart.
I feel for you. Dark and cordial. I totally agree. HUGS!
I can 'one up' you on this one. Not only can H *not* trust me, he thinks I am cheating on him. CUCKOO for sure!
Hah! Whoa there, little lady! Don't be so sure -- A few weeks ago S6 let slip that W thinks I have been going to both my DivorceCare support group and my Bible studies group just to pick up women! (I about choked on the coffee I was sipping when I heard that!)
I've been keeping this knowledge to myself -- chuckling the whole time at W's silliness --and wondering how best to use it.
