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#1219322 10/03/07 05:38 AM
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Wow, my first thread has locked!
I guess I'm fully initiated the club now, but I'm also a little punchy from all the hazing.


Andy, man, thanks for sharing that. I've really been feeling guilty for the pressure I'm now seeing in S6 over the hard facts I presented him. And I have to reel this back in. W has a right to be furious over this, but not for the reasons she purports.

Lwb, my W gets extremely angry at any attempt to clear up the fog.


I feel like I've really screwed up everything now. My W is already threatening me over my parental rights, and this latest attempt to bring what i thought would be a little sanity back into the picture has made things worse. I know MIL is telling W to seek a lawyer and to have me taken completely out of the picture (I've got my sources) -- but that comes as no surprise. That my W has made me out to be her utmost enemy since the bomb is still so shocking.

I have to ask myself though, is going dark really going to help? Part of the problem W has had with me is withdrawing under pressure. But then she wants her space and I need to not come off as pursuing her. Catch-22.

She disrespects me, because in her own words I have always been too nice. She certainly doesn't like confrontation either (unless she's doing all the confronting.) So I'm either too passive and weak, or too opinionated and disagreeable. I'm either too cold and callous, or too fiery hot and angry. Catch-22.

<commentary>
I thought I might as well share the lyrics behind my thread (I'm sure most of you are familiar with it.)

There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
That`s my soul up there
It's the same old thing as yesterday
That`s my soul up there
That's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There`s my soul up there
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
That`s my soul up there

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
That`s my soul up there
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
That`s my soul up there
There's a blue whale beached by a spring tide's ebb
That`s my soul up there
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
That`s my soul up there

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

King of pain

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
That`s my soul up there
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
That`s my soul up there
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

King of pain
King of pain
King of pain
I'll always be king of pain
I'll always be king of pain
I'll always be king of pain
I'll always be king of pain
I'll always be king of pain


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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I'm disrespected here too. It sucks. But for you, you can seem to do anything right (although I get that here too lol). I am so sorry. It seems your problems have washed over to your sons, where W feels she might have some 'control' over you. Neutral, neutral, neutral...Even when she brings up crazy stuff, give yourself time to respond. Like when my H said when we separate he'll have the kids Sunday-Friday and I get them on Saturday..... Um, ok. Fog talk, much?

I could write sooo much of what you are writing, about being the enemy. He hasn't outright said it, but I know he justifies his A by how I treated him.

Have you read "Not Just Friends?" I just started it last night and I am amazed at how RIGHT ON they are about things. Its eerie. Gives an insight into the WAS's thinking, but also is very comforting to the LBS.

LL44 #1219851 10/03/07 05:30 PM
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I actually haven't read that one yet, even though I've made Amazon and Borders a small mint in the many books I have been picking up lately. (I just finished "When Love Dies", and I can only wish that my W would read it.)

I saw "Not Just Friends" on the bookshelf and skimmed through it -- it does look good. It's now moved to the fore on my list. Thanks for the recommendation.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,793
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>>I know MIL is telling W to seek a lawyer and to have me taken completely out of the picture (I've got my sources)<<

Well, that sounds like an over reaction if I've ever heard one. Have you ever heard that saying, "Be careful what you wish for..." Does your wife think she'd actually REALLY WANT 100% physical custody? Do you think if she moved in with, or married, OM he'd want to have 100% physical custody of your kids? I doubt it. The reality of it would certainly put a big dent on her romantic time with OM. Doesn't she already try to get you to watch them so she can have "special time" with OM? Boy that would have to end. Gosh, if my husband ever threatened me with that $hit I'd let him have it!.... Here, you go... take them.... you get to be a single parent 24 hours a day for the next 18+ years... I'm off to live in Florida or Hawaii and spend the next 18+ years hanging out at the beach!!! Party time!!!! ;-)

Actually, I did used to threaten him with that!!! He adores and loves his kids, but when I did that (even had a realtor in Florida sending me information about homes there!) he'd get really frantic.


There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
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NCB,
It is the fog that has her thinking wharped. Please do not let mother-in-law get to you. In the end your W will do what she wants to do. She is the one that you have to convince that you are a good person.

Yoyo




Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
-- Bernice Johnson Reagon


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Seriously, I don't know about your state, but unless you are abusive or have a very severe drug/alcohol problem, and have been in trouble with the law, it would be very VERY difficult for your wife to take complete custody away from you.

Just ignore the whole thing. Your W is living in some fantasy right now and she is also presenting you in a negative light to MIL. The entire thing is completely out of porportion. The best thing to do is stay out of it. Ignore it. Don't try to defend yourself or you'll only fall in it.

(BTW, it never hurts to have a list of great lawyers hidden away... like in a drawer at work... hopefully you'd never have to use them, but at least you'll feel prepared if you ever do...).


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NCB,

You have to go dark, trust me.

Every part of your sitch is like me revisiting mine. It got to a stage where W hated me soooo much, that she would have done everything and anything irrational just to get rid of me (even hiring a hitman.........well maybe not as she probably couldn't afford one at the moment \:\) )

I too had problems with the custody thing, and splitting our assets etc etc.

But since going dark, probably over the last several weeks I have noticed a huge change in W. She is more respectful and agreeable in everything, including custody and asset sharing.

Also, the more you react to what other people may or may not be saying (eg MIL) the more you look like the tyrant in your R, and the more W will brainwash herself into thinking this way.

Believe me, as proof in my sitch, I have noticed that since going dark, all the people that supported her in leaving our relationship are starting to drop off, due to my W not really wanting to interact with them. I am sure the fog is slowly lifting in her life, and she is slowly starting to realise that these people may have been wrong.

So I would def go dark, and try not to say anthing to anyone about how you feel or what you think of your W and what she is doing. Also keep your S out of everything, protect him the best way you can. Kids know exactly what is happening and who has been the cause without you telling them. My DD has even told me (with no prompting) that OM has destroyed our family...........because she can remember him "sniffing around" when I was away for work 12 months ago.......two months before the bomb.

I hope I haven't confused you even more \:\)
All my best,
AndyV

andyv #1220559 10/04/07 02:16 AM
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Thanks, Root, Yoyo,

I realize that gaining full custody would be difficult for W. I know that the MIL has blessed my W taking up with the OM and having him father my S's. (Apparently, OM is not the biological father of his W's kids, so this would be a familiar role for him -- playing father for someone else's children.)

Originally Posted By: andyv
I hope I haven't confused you even more \:\)


Oh, no, far from it, Andy. I really appreciate it.

I think I have been finally getting myself mentally ready to truly detach and go dark. I am now just utterly disgusted with my W, and I am not feeling much love for this "new" person she's become. She's been taking full advantage of my delirium and my struggles to adapt to this shakey situation. Keeping me off balance has helped her to get what she wants out of me. It really is "all about her" in her mind.

I can be congenial, but that's about it. I'm going dark -- stealth black. The only time I intend to show up on radar is for our children, only out of necessity since she is now using them too as a wedge issue.

I feel really good having come back from my Bible Studies class tonight. The scriptures give me so much support in coping with this situation. I realize that much of my depression and dissatisfaction in life has come because I have forgotten to put God foremost in my life. I placed my career, my aspirations, my family, my marriage, my wife all ahead of my relationship with Him. i am restoring the correct balance to my life.

On the way down to church, I stopped to see my S's and wished them good-night. S6 still thinks he has the power to change our situation -- I quickly took him aside and reminded him again what I had stressed to him, that there was nothing either he or I could do to fix this situation. I told him I and his mother were trying to work this out (a lie, since I am the only one actually trying) and that this was not his burden. I reminded him that he should pray to God that we get through this -- that is the most important thing that any of us can do.

While I had my back turned away from W explaining to S6 in hushed tones, he tried to engage his mother by saying that we need to tell her this important information as well (he's so cute in how he means well and wants to help.) That was when W chimed in saying it was okay to S6 ...and then I knew that W could understand what I was saying to our S, even though she was in the kitchen and we were in the dining area. I don't really care, as I figure she'd be a lot more guarded in what I say to our S about these matters anyway. And I got the impression she did not disprove of what I said tonight to ease the burden off S6.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 658
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Ncb,

Well done, you did really well with S6.

Believe me when I say it will get better for you emotionally. It's great to see you have your priorities in order (balance), that is a great first step.

Give it time with this going dark, and see how it goes.

All the best mate,
AndyV

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Oh, about my sources. This is really an alternate form of snooping, so I need to not use it for the sake of DB'ing. But I have a contact for insider knowledge about what goes on with my wife and in-laws.

I have two of the sweetest and most adorable nieces in the whole world. My brother has a DD14 and my W's Sister has a DD15. They've become pretty good friends during the various family get-togethers over the many years, and apparently they correspond with each other regularly even though they live in separate states. They have set up MySpace accounts and have created a grapevine between our two families. And they are more knowledgeable about what's been going on and what people have been saying than I could even have imagined. I didn't know anything about this until my brother's W clued me in to this little operation going on right under our noses.

As a result, I have learned a number of facts that have filled in a lot of the gaps in this puzzle. This is how, for example, how I know that the MIL has been running her mouth off to all the in-laws for months about how "terrible" I have been treating my W and that W simply must divorce me.

But now I think I know more than enough -- it now worries me quite a bit that since before the bomb was dropped on me the earth has been scorched and salted by my in-laws. I don't know what I could have ever done to deserve such treatment by my MIL and the MIL's sister (W's aunt), until very recent I have been nothing but kind and courteous to them.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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