Scheduling may not sound very romantic, but let me explain.
About us:
Age: 43 Dating since 15 years old, (high school sweethearts). Kids ages 18, 16, and 10.
Story is not unusual. Once we were married, sex was never frequent enough for me. Rather than be turned down, I frequently resorted to porn and frequent masturbation.
At 40, I started seeing professional girls. I'm not proud of this. I realized after 1 year (who says men can't learn ) that what I really wanted was not just sex, but sex and love, and conversations, and a shared history together.
I tearfully confessed to my wife, and said that sex was something I needed a lot more of... Like daily. Somewhat dubious, she undertook to try. I said I didn't mind what we did in bed on any given occasion, as long as it was something. (I guess this is the "I say when, you say how" method) I said that I didn't want to do it without her any more. (i.e. not alone, not in front of a computer, not with others).
Now when I watch porn, it is with my wife. Although it doesn't turn her on the same as me, we have found that she likes written erotic fiction. We have been buying anthologies of erotic short stories. When she's in the mood for it, she will read a story, possibly while I watch a video, or give her oral sex, or something.
(We use short stories because I might get impatient waiting for her to finish a whole novel)
Within days, we both saw a change in our relationship. I was always looking for ways to please her, and felt like I couldn't do enough.
I cant stress enough how much difference it makes to one's self esteem not being turned down for sex.
It seemed like such a dramatic change, within a week, we had a sexual relationship I was happy with. It changed other areas of our relationship that pleased her as well. I WANTED to hear about her day. I ENJOYED going clothing shopping, skating, and anything else she wanted to do together.
My theory is that now that all my sexual activity (even masturbation) involves my wife, is that she has somehow become the source of all my pleasure, and I've become less attached/addicted to the the computer or the tv as the source of pleasure.
Now she can simply smile at me in a certain way, and there is often a physiological response (even though we've been together nearly 30 years, and it's been less than 24 hours since we've had sex)
Within 6 months, acquaintances were asking me what my weight loss secret was.
It was such a night/day miraculous change that my reaction was like "OK nobody move...what just happened here? I don't want to mess it up."
I've become a self help junkie, trying to understand what went right. The library has (way) more than 100 books in it now. Books like "The Sex Starved Marriage" the anecdotes in the "Great American Sex Diet" reinforce the enormous positive effect that regular sex has on a relationship.
Some books actually suggest scheduling sex say 4 times a week. He picks two days (and plans the activities) and she does the same. For me, I can never remember whether its our day to water the lawn or put out the trash. I'd probably be in bed early with bells on (that's just an expression) and find out that it's Tuesday not Wednesday. So daily works better for us.
Some may scoff and say that sex may become routine with such frequency, and perhaps they have a point. Perhaps it doesn't have the heart pounding urgency of first-time sex with a new partner, or the even the relief of sex with a spouse after a 3 week hiatus.
I would draw the analogy that food might taste better if we only ate a couple times a week, but I prefer to have three squares a day. It keeps me from walking around, totally preoccupied with thoughts of food. Since men are such poor multitaskers, it would make it hard to think about anything else.
Planning sex by putting a couple of days a week on the calendar, or even agreeing on a daily schedule has the effect having both partners aware that sex is coming, and we both have the opportunity to anticipate it in our own ways. During the weeknight chaos , when a lull in the activities presents itself, we can look at each other and decide not whether to have sex, but now? or after dinner?
It's been two years now on the daily schedule (sometimes with an extra session on the weekend), and I've never been happier.
We always light a scented candle (and incense) before going to bed. I've kept the wooden matches from each occasion in a quart jar. It was getting full, so my wife gave me a huge glass vase for my birthday. It's on our night table, with the anniversary date proudly displayed. Should take at least ten more years to fill it.
I just called to my wife, and said "they have questions."
Her reply: When I cried and said I needed more sex, and didn't want to do it without her, (e.g. in front of the computer), I didn't mention the professional girls at that point. That happened about two months later.
Two months later, we had settled into our daily schedule, and I was a much kinder, more patient, more loving, more satisfied, more helpful, happy man.
But, fool that I am, I missed one particular girl, for whom I'd formed an emotional attachment. I admitted to my wife that I'd been seeing girls for about a year, and had grown emotionally attached to a particular girl. (I think this is the point where I found out I'm also a lucky man.) I said that I was an idiot to get attached to a working girl, and my wife said "You can't help how you feel." (!!!!!)
She recalls that our relationship by this point that had improved so much (60 days into the daily sex schedule) at that point that she was able to forgive me, and she still kept our date that night (!)
I'm not sure I got the nuance of the question. I wanted more sex. My wife was willing to take the risk. More sex makes men nicer. Nicer husbands make wives more willing to have more sex. Kinda like the opposite of a vicious circle.
(Perhaps I shouldn't paraphrase Dr. Laura here, but men are simple creatures: treat them with respect, and give them good loving, and there's nothing they won't do for you.)
I guess I should also reiterate the bit about becoming a 'self-help junkie', trying to figure out what went right, and how not to screw it up. In the past 2 years, since the 'miracle', I've collected and read over 100 books about male-female relationships, marital sex, massage, and even sex instruction.
Now we're well over 90% of the way to marital bliss, and have been there for 2 years.
And all I did was tearfully and sincerely say that sex was something I need every day, and that I wanted it to be with her.
I just don't quite get how it could be on one hand such an "easy fix" and on the other hand, why you had to sexually acting out and goto the extreme of employing prostitution before addressing the issue.
Was it a case of your wife understood how important it was because of your obvious pain at the moment?
I just feel like I'm missing part of the story right now.
I guess in hindsight it looks like an easy fix. I guess I didn't know how to address the issue. I hadn't read all the books until after the 'miracle'.
Doesn't Michelle recommend a "great american sex challenge" along the lines of 'try it for a month' and see what a difference it makes?
I asked my wife about it just now, and she says it was because I seemed so upset when I asked that the message that "sex is very important to my husband" got through, and because the improvement in my personality was so marked and so immediate, it gave her the incentive to keep at it.
I'm getting tired, it's that time of day. ;-) See you tomorrow.
We just had our second anniversary on the daily schedule.
I brought her a couple of cards (I cant seem to narrow it down to just one), good dark chocolate wafers (we don't smoke afterwards, so we have chocolate instead), and a lotion she likes massaged on her feet.
She actually worried that she had nothing for me! I said that she'd made every day special for the past two years.
I am indeed a lucky man.
Bart
Current readings are "The Five Love Languages" and "Grown-Up Marriage"
