I don't have a lot of time, but you really need to let all this go. She can divorce you and she can ultimately have those kids around a million different guys if she wants. Quit imagining her relationship is so rosy. Eventually even the best of situations start to show strains and cracks.
And I'm going to hit you with a a 2x4 about how you handled the whole situation with bipolar vs. manic depressive. Why on earth would you even argue about that? As someone just wrote to me earlier... is that the hill you want to die on? If you want your wife to want you again, you need to listen to her and not argue. Agree, or repeat what she says so she feels listened to. Do you think OM is arguing with her like this?
Sorry if I sound a little harsh...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Root, I need that 2x4 to the head. I really do. Thanks.
I am my own worst enemy right now. My conversation with S6 last night is already bearing its bitter fruit, just as I predicted. W is furious at me for telling S6 the truth about what's going on. I am not going to lie to him anymore, not for her sole benefit anyways. S6 is very perceptive, and if he asks, I am going to answer -- I can only sugar-coat it so much before it becomes a blatant lie.
W had a date with OM last night, and that's the fact. She's also planning a weekend getaway to the beach with the OM tomorrow, and that's a fact. She keeps talking to my S's behind my back about the OM's children -- to get my S's accustomed to the idea of a blended family. That too is a fact.
W's been in denial about this the whole time and she wants everyone else to remain in the fog as well.
I am continually having my intelligence insulted. I am continually being treated as the ignorant fool and patsy. I feel like the goose being fattened up for Christmas dinner.
But all my protestations are only precipitating the very thing I fear. I really have screwed up.
So I guess I am now at the point where I don't care anymore. That I must make myself not care. To detach, for real. I have been holding onto hope that W would come to her senses, but I can't rely on that, not anymore. I really do need to let go.
It's so very hard.
That's the difference between wisdom and intelligence. I have the intelligence to know what I must do, but I have not enough wisdom to actually do these things.
She is baiting you and trying to make you mad to validate what she's doing. Do not give her the satisfaction!!!! Just smile and say, "Thanks for explaining that to me." Don't worry about her making you look stupid. So what!!!! Are you stupid? Of course not. I can tell you are a brillant person. Just humor her!!! Don't fall for these traps.
And when you do something that makes her angry like explain to your son what's going on... turn it around to her and make it sound like you are doing HER a FAVOR!!! Tell her you want to make this easier for her to bring everything out of the closet. She doesn't have to hide. BE NICE!!!! You are HELPING HER!!! At least that's how you present this stuff. Because, from what you've described and how she baits you, I think the more you are against this the more she will do it to spite you.
One more thing..... if you can believe this I thought about this when I woke up this morning.... Sheesh!!! Well, at least you know some stranger you don't really know is concerned about your family....
When you have your sons and she's out doing her thing.... make sure you plan something REALLY SPECIAL!!! Go to a super fun amusement park, some kind of really neat fair or carnival. Something super special. Take lots of PHOTOS, have such a WONDERFUL TIME that when the boys get home all they can do is talk about what an amazing time they had with dad. It's time to become the "Disneyland Dad." You guys have an amazing time and she's not part of it. She needs to MISS THIS. Her time with "Mr. Smooth" (Gag me!) needs to pale in comparison...
Don't worry about "screwing up" sometimes it's extremely difficult to stop the momentum.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks, Root. You are obviously a very kind and sensitive person to be so concerned. I really appreciate it. I appreciate you and everyone here in the DBB who help to support one another, and to express such deep concern for our families.
I know I have to get my act together. It's so hard to stay objective and stay focused on the "prize" when you feel like you keep getting sucker-punched. My rope-a-dope needs work.
Your suggestions are great. Especially with regards to defusing W's anger by turning it into a positive for her. But W is a weird bird, especially now of days, and her reactions to things I say or do, no matter how different they may be from what one would normally expect from me, seem to always invoke a negative response from her. I am beginning to wonder if there's really any cheese in any of the tunnels.
I think I need to go dark, like ice-black dark. I have not tried to talk to her for myself when she's called today, just giving the phone straight over to my S's right away. On one call this morning she tried to say something to me again about her decision to leave me came first and only then did the A start -- but I didn't wait for her to say any more, I just handed the phone to S6 and walked away. I was in no mood to hear more of her rationalizations. I need to regroup and figure out how to get back on track.
If you feel you need to go dark for your sanity then that's a valid thing to do.
One thing you must keep in mind is that prize may never come. You are doing the best you can to keep your family together, and if this goes down you can go down with it knowing you did all you could. You will have no regrets. The main thing I always say is go down looking great. It will give OM much more to live up to!
My guess about your wife being a "weird bird" is she really knows how to push your buttons and is doing everything she can to do that. You have to STOP taking this personal. When you actually are detached it won't be punch to you, she'll be just flailing her fists in the air. You're kind of above it thinking to youself.... hummmm... interesting.... and saying to her, "Well, I understand," and when appropriate, "You're right. you're mentally and emotionally removed. Try to get there. Don't expect to change your wife or the course of this, but make sure she goes out with good memories of what a great guy you were and has to eventually face her own regret.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
If you feel you need to go dark for your sanity then that's a valid thing to do.
One thing you must keep in mind is that prize may never come. You are doing the best you can to keep your family together, and if this goes down you can go down with it knowing you did all you could. You will have no regrets. The main thing I always say is go down looking great. It will give OM much more to live up to!
My guess about your wife being a "weird bird" is she really knows how to push your buttons and is doing everything she can to do that. You have to STOP taking this personal. When you actually are detached it won't be punch to you, she'll be just flailing her fists in the air. You're kind of above it thinking to youself.... hummmm... interesting.... and saying to her, "Well, I understand," and when appropriate, "You're right. you're mentally and emotionally removed. Try to get there. Don't expect to change your wife or the course of this, but make sure she goes out with good memories of what a great guy you were and has to eventually face her own regret.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
She just tries to bait you, even that phone call today, she HAD to get some sort of dig in even before talking to her own son!!! WOW!!! You have a mess on your hands, but guess what? At the moment she isn't your mess. Let MIL clean her up. I can't believe your MIL is sooo amazingly...what's the word.....two faced, I guess. Probably supporting W's whims, but then denying it to you. Puleeze. Sounds like you didn't let MIL get to you and that's good. Bigger and better people, form lines to the left please. That's you!
Dark Dark Dark and Disneyland Dad. BIG time. Its what we have left after everything is said and done.
I am so sorry. My weekend is boring compared to yours, unless you have kicked in a shower door or two. HUGS TO YOU
PS: The talks with your older son?? Man, he is taking it to heart and you did your best with him. You are amazing.
Thanks, all, root and lwb, for the 2x4's and the hugs. They're all greatly appreciated.
<observation> Things are really weird today. I feel in limbo (that's to be expected I guess), but I at least have the S's to keep me occupied.
One thing odd happened this morning when W called to talk to our S's before starting her day. I have been methodically avoiding conversation with W since yesterday morning, giving my S's the phone as soon as she calls. The most I say to her is something about how the boys are and have been doing and then I wish her a good day or good night and hang up. Keeping it sweet by keeping it very short. Well, this morning when I took the phone back from my S's after talking with W, she quickly interjected something quick enough before I could change the subject.
Me: <taking the phone back from S2> Okay, well, I hope you... W: Oh, I think I have come down with the same stuff the boys have had -- if I don't feel any better, I probably won't be going out of town to the seminar. <sniffle> Me: ...I'm sorry you don't feel well. I hope you have a good day. Be careful today. Good bye. W: Good bye.
Oddly, I felt somewhat ambivalent. I certainly don't want her to go. But I also don't want her to hold it against me if she doesn't either. Part of me wonders if she is trying to find some excuse not to go -- but I don't think that necessarily means it is favorable to me. The only reason she wouldn't, that I can think of other than being really and truly ill, would be as an attempt to throw me off. (You have to realize that it really takes a lot for my W to get sick, let alone sick enough to keep her at home from something she wants to do.)
I really don't know what to think, but then she hasn't yet bailed out of her romantic getaway just yet either.
Try not to read anything into it. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. Perhaps she didn't want to be coughing up green stuff around OM. You don't want to be disappointed by reading anything into this.
Instead continue to work on your own PMA, distancing, allowing her the space to figure herself out, friendly and nice (I like that you are saying kind things like, "Hope you feel better," etc... Keep that up... if she says anything nasty ignore it, look at your watch and maybe say, "Well... ooooh, time to go. I'm suppose to be somewhere in 20 minuets. See ya later!")
Always stay on the "high road" and be the "better person" and you won't have regrets. STAY CALM! Consider your wife mentally deranged at this time and don't take anything personal. On a personal note, in the past I was always reacting and defending myself against negative remarks or attacks. I'm kind of proud of myself to have learned the self-control to realize inside, whatever is being hurled at me is a bunch of malarky and I don't NEED to react to it. Escalating the situation doesn't help me one bit.
>>I don't know what to think or what I feel.<<
Think about yourself, think about your kids, and feel good you are alive one more day.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
HUGS TO YOU