I heard you got brochitus -- I'm sorry to hear that. That's rough. I have had a bit of chest cold myself this week -- I really wanted to escape from work today to go rest, but my boss was really uptight about our lagging project schedules, and I not only worked with this hacking cough and low-grade temperature, but I had to work late again too. Both of my 2 S's have been sick over the last two weeks, first S6, then S2. S2 is only now getting back to normal -- he wasn't eating too well this past weekend when I had them; it really started to bother me. Fortunately, he's usually a pretty stout little fella', not fat but stocky, so he has enough baby fat to carry him through his temporary lack of hunger.
Am I going to talk to W about my convo with S6? Under normal circumstances, when W would be in her right mind, I wouldn't think twice about it. But W is so consumed with being "right" and in such utter denial, anything I say to her would have the opposite effect. Sometimes I just cannot believe this is the same person I married and lived with for 16 years.
Just tonight was a perfect example. We haven't been talking too much lately, mainly because I have refrained from volunteering any information that is not relevant to the upbringing of our sons. And I am desparately trying to stay away from R talks. She hasn't volunteered any info either.
Well, another tragic event is unfolding in my family's lives again (I am not sure how much more we can all take.) My brother's mother-in-law (my brother's W's mother) tried to commit suicide last week and they have been through a lot of turmoil in trying to get her looked after (she has a lot more severe psychological problems than they had thought.) I remembered how upset W was that I did not immediaely tell her about my own mother's apartment building burning down; so I mentioned about my SIL's mother to my W. Up until the bomb, my W and my brother's W were pretty good friends, but afterwards my W won't talk to my SIL anymore. But i thought W would still want to know about my SIL's serious situation.
I mentioned that SIL's mother is bipolar; W had to interject that SIL's mother was manic depressive. Me: "Um, okay -- so she's bipolar and manic depressive; and..." W: "No, they're the same thing." Me: "What?" W: "Manic Depression is the same thing as Bipolar Disorder." Me: "No, wait. Bipolar Disorder is just an extreme form of Manic Depression, with wilder mood swings, isn't it?" W: "No, they're the same thing. Hey, I should know -- I am a nurse." Me: "And that means you know all about Psychology?" W: "Oh, wait, I forgot -- you're God. You couldn't possibly be wrong, because you're always right!" Me: "Me? No, I don't know about anything. Forget I said anything. I don't know why you find this silly point to be so important ."
Yes, I know. She baits me so easily. But it demonstrates that she wants so much to be able to prove something over me; for her to be proven right and me to be proven wrong. I should have just given her the point, and gone on. W managed to derail me from explaining the situation to her, so she could understand the pain her former friend, my SIL, is going through. But I guess the body-snatchers won't let their victims have nothing more than a passing fancy at their humanity.
I really worry for S6. S2 is still young, and there's still time for him to recover, assuming our family finds that miracle and puts itself back together. But now I see that S6 is starting to see the separation for what it really is. The bloom is off the rose. Now that Summer has drawn to a close, no longer does Daddy's apartment seem the amusement park it once did. No longer does the shifting from one domicile to another seem like a grand adventure. He's figuring out that Mommy's promises that things would be better is not quite so. I believe he's going to come to the conclusion that he would rather have both his parents available at any given time.
It's too bad that my naive, innocent little six year old, with his Asperger's Syndrome and his sensory problems, is closer to seeing reality than his supposedly adult mother.
I'll make this prediction: when S6 begins to see things as they really are -- Daddy's forced to be apart while Mommy works more and more hours and spends more of her dwindling free time with her "friend" -- he will begin acting out and maybe even outright complaining. And when W hears what her S says, she will blame every bit of it on me.
You know, I really believe I can forgive my W for the A and for the harsh treatment of me. But I am going to have a very difficult time forgiving her for what all this is doing to my sons.
NoCode, WOW, she knows how to bait you...and you know how to jump to the bait!! Isn't it awful, those vicious little cycles we all (as married people) have? Button pushing at its worst.....
S6...sigh....S6....I am so sorry. My D5 is actually almost 6, and I know she would see/be reading soooo much more into an actual separation if it happened. They are so much smarter than we realize. Your poor S. And yes, I totally agree, while I firmly believe that right now, I am ONLY working on this marriage because of the kids, I can also say if my H in any way fails our kids, that is unforgivable. Like you, I can find it somewhere to forgive (eventually) the wrongs against me, but never my kids.
Separation has been a blessing and a curse for me. I was never able to sleep in the same bed with my W after the bomb -- my insomnia was unbearable with W always sleeping on the very edge of the bed (I don't know how she could have done it -- she too couldn't have been getting any sleep.) Now I can.
I didn't eat hardly at all while under the same roof, now I eat enough just to sustain my current weight.
We don't get as many chances to argue now. And I have less of a chance of irritating her. I find my life a bit more peaceful. And I am not around to see her absense from our family or spending so much time with her "friend"/"friends". My sons don't get to see their mother regularly disrespect (I started to write "disembowel") their father.
But it also means, for me, that I don't get to see my children every day. I don't get to tuck them into bed in person every night, nor to greet them at sunrise. I get to expereience the loneliness that my W never really gets a taste of in this unbalanced equation.
I also don't get to counteract the negative propaganda that MIL and the "friends" put in W's ears. I am not there to defend myself from the constant character assasinations. Of course, she only hears what she wants to anyway.
Up until the last part of my conversation with S6, today would have been an okay day. But after discussing his day and wishing him a good night, S6 said goodnight to me in a way that sent icey cold shivers down my spine.
S6: "Nightey-night, chick-o-pee." Me: " .... um ... I'm sorry, what did you say?" S6: "I said, 'Night-night, chick-o-pee'." Me: "Night-night, chick-o-pee?" S6: "Yes." Me: "Where did you hear that saying?" S6: <something unintelligible> Me: "Say again?" S6: "I don't know. It's from a movie called 'Nell'." Me: "A movie?" S6: "With Liam Neeson in it. And that's one of the sayings in it." Me: "You saw this movie?" S6: "No. Mommy..." Me: "Mommy saw this movie?" S6: "Um, no, Mommy's friend saw it. And Mommy told me about the saying. There's a girl who says 'Ni, Ni, Chick-o-pee'." Me: "Uh-huh. So, Mommy's friend saw the movie. I see."
Well we said our good-nights and then he handed the phone to his mother. I quickly told her good night and got off ASAP.
Folks, the significance of this phrase, "Ni', Ni', Chick-o-pee" (In the movie Nell, I believe the wording is "Chick-a-bee", not "Chic-o-pee") is that that was the "private" little salutation that the OM used with my W in their emails with each other.
I have heard my S2 use these same words a months ago with me as I was putting him to bed -- this was the two week period between the bomb and the separation (W was at work at that time, so I did not confront her), but I don't believe I have heard it since, ...at least not until tonight.
I can't tell you how violated I feel that my W is sharing with our 2 S's these love words between her and OM. Including my sons in their own private language. I can't describe just how inappropriate this is to me.
I am having a difficult time with this. My foolish W is one thing, but to start to include my S's to even the smallest degree in this illicit R is too much. It makes me ill to think about it, and angry too.
I would be on FIRE!!!! Beyond fire, I can't explain it. That you haven't called her on it yet shows how much more restraint you have over me. Oh gosh, this is horrible, because like all of our spouses, your W sees nothing wrong with sharing this with the kids. Give it the 48 hour rule, then decide if/when/how you are going to approach her. I am so very sorry!
I worry that I am over-reacting, but I can't help how his makes me feel.
When I got of the phone, I felt like getting in my car and driving straight down there, six miles, and confronting her. I want to tell her that in no uncertain terms will I tolerate any action that might be construed as replacing me in my S's lives. It's bad enough she is trying to rid me from her life -- but this is where I draw the line and she's been crossing it.
But then I remember how she is now, and that she is never going to see things from my perspective. No, she's going to make me out to be some irrational nutcase getting all blown out of sorts over some silly little saying she is sharing with our children. So, what? she'd say.
No, I need to pick my battles more wisely. This is not the hill I want to die on -- there's plenty more hills coming up that are more precious to hold. If this persists, though, I may have to say something sharp and to the point with W.
*I* don't think you are overreacting. However, I am 'normal', like you. LOL We can't think like us, we have to think like them, you know? And she would totally think you were overreacting, for sure. Don't they always?
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I want to tell her that in no uncertain terms will I tolerate any action that might be construed as replacing me in my S's lives. It's bad enough she is trying to rid me from her life -- but this is where I draw the line and she's been crossing it.
Keep that tucked away, I like how that's worded. Battle picking is good, and time will tell if this is a mountain or small hill.
W has been very strident in getting me to clear my schedule this weekend so she can go to some event she describes as Nursing training/seminar this weekend. She asked me to postpone my Sunday session with my C and to keep the kids an extra evening on Sunday. I never mind getting my S's an extra day or night, so I agreed to do so.
Now I feel like I am playing the fool all over again.
I should have known better not to look; I know we're not supposed to snoop. I checked my W's old email address (I have the computer it used to be set up for) and saw a rejected email from yesterday she sent to OM. I would never have seen this email if it hadn't been for the fact that the mail server kicked it back for some reason.
But this is the kicker: The email to the OM is the MapQuest directions between an unknown address in our local area and a beach front hotel some 3 1/2 hours away. So I conclude that the first address is OM's apartment and they are planning a lovely little weekend away together at the beach -- her "Nursing seminar".
She now only sees me as her baby-sitter and bill-payer. I want to ask her does she even have a conscious anymore. How can she possibly sleep at night? How can she look at herself in the mirror? How can she face God anymore? Does she really pray anymore? Does she really even try to listen to what He has to say to her?
What is it that I have done that could so damage her moral compass? What on earth could have destroyed her moral footing like this?
I know. I know -- detach.
But even if I manage to fully detach and move on with my life, still I would worry for her mortal soul.
There goes my PMA for the week. All I can do is focus on my children. I must continue to focus on them and their needs. And seeing what this is doing to them is so very painful.
She now only sees me as her baby-sitter and bill-payer. I want to ask her does she even have a conscious anymore. How can she possibly sleep at night? How can she look at herself in the mirror? How can she face God anymore? Does she really pray anymore? Does she really even try to listen to what He has to say to her?
Chane she/her to he/him and I could have written this. Oh and add that I feel 'cake eaten' too, because he is around me when he wants to be, and has the freedom to run when he is angry at me. Lovely. I sit here, with my sleeping kids, and H is out at bars. Yup, sucker.
I am so sorry you found that bit of information out. That is a PMA killer for sure. You are the rock, the better person, and actually the better parent at the moment. I am sure the shock of what she is doing will set in at some point. Turn that anger and betrayal into a great moments with your kids.
I remember this summer H was 'working' on me, trying to convince me to let him go away with his friends from the bar (all male). I found out later he was trying to plan a get away with OW. Just the thought of that makes me ill. I can't imagine knowing it was going on. I am so sorry.
I really understand better now why snooping is bad, bad stuff, even a little bit. Too much information.
Still, I feel the occasional urge to talk to the OM's W to get more information on who this guy is -- I don't really know all that much about him apart from being a two-time home wrecker.
<journaling> Today s*cked. I could hardly concentrate on work given what I knew was happening this weekend. This evening, I picked up a pizza on the way over to get my S's for the weekend. I phoned W and told her all about my dinner plans so she wouldn't try to go ahead and fix the boys supper before I got there. I told her there would be enough pizza for me to leave a couple of slices for W and the MIL. (W thinks I am too selfish, but here is a generous gesture on my part.) When I got there MIL had just prepared a frozen pizza in the oven -- they had no plans to partake of my offering. < MIL = b!tch>
Later on around bedtime, I tried and tried to call W to tell our S's good night, but she never responded. We ended up leaving a long voicemail.
Then S6 had an emotional meltdown when we discovered W hadn't packed his favorite bedtime toy, a plush orca whale named Shima, with his belongings. That meant saddling up both S's in my car and driving six miles there and six miles back to get S6's toy and S2's stuffed toy. Just as we were heading out, W calls, finally. I told her we were on our way to get the much needed sources of bedtime comfort for our S's. It's about 8:40 PM and I apologized for doing this so late at night -- I know/assume she has to get up early in the morning to go to work.
W tells me she's sorry she's not there at the house, or else she would drive the items up herself. She says she's out having dinner, at TGI Fridays. I said, "Dinner? At this time of the night? You?" She made some reply about she gets hungry <oh, is that what we're calling it?>
I told her to shush, and quit lieing to me -- I am no fool. I gave the phone to S6 as I continued to drive down to the house. He's talking to his mother the whole time, and just before I pull into our cul de sac, S6 hands me back the phone. W tells me that she has already told her mother (the MIL) to expect me to arrive. WTH?!! I know W has two cell phones now (a personal one and one from her employer) but how could she have gotten a single word over to her M on a second phone when I was listening to S6 talk to her pretty much the whole time?
W started to say something more to me to try to defend her going out to dinner, but I curtly told her good-bye and hung up on her.
When I got inside my house I ran upstairs annoucing to MIL it was just me. MIL says she was warned that I was coming. I said, "Yeah, I won't be long. Too bad she couldn't be here herself to help with her son's needs. Thanks for covering for her adultery."
MIL got real p*ssy with me accusing her of being complicit with her D's A, that W was just out having dinner. I replied, "And I guess her little trip to the beach is innocent too, huh?" MIL said, "It's just for training, to continue her education." I snorted and said, "You know full well OM will be there." MIL accused me of having a bad attitude. I raised my hand to silence her, and turned away. As I was walking out the door, MIL shouted at me to make sure I lock the front door behind me, because I always forget. I stopped and said, "I do not. I have always made sure that at least the deadbolt is locked." She said that I certainly did forget, the last time was couple of weeks ago.
MIL and her D (my W) are too much alike -- petty, selfish and nitpicking.
The drive back was not good either. S6, bless his heart, having caught some of the exchange between W and myself, and then MIL and myself, tried to talk to me about what he could say to his mother to smooth things over. S6 is a lot like his mother in that he does not handle most relationship problems and conflicts well, and has this overriding desire to try to control or fix other people's behaviors. I have observed this neurotic trait in him while playing with his younger sibling -- he tries to manipulate S2 and tries to speak for him at times. This is how my W is and has been for much of her life, which has only brought her grief and many failed relationships in her life.
Thus began a very long conversation between S6 and myself, with S2 listening but not understanding. I have finally gotten sick and tired of all the lying and covering up for my W. I am tired of all these enabling behaviors. I believe in protecting my children from things that they need not know about, but I don't like hiding the truth from them either. So for better or worse, I have begun opening up with my sons. I am now preparing them for the eventuality that their parents are likely to never get back together again, but that I would fight tooth and nail to stay as their father for as long as they would have me. I told them that their mother was no longer in love with their father and that she wanted to replace him if she could. I told them to pray for their mother and hope that God somehow reaches her.
S6 kept thinking there had to be some way he could convince his mother to keep us together as a family. I kept re-iterating to him that nothing we could say would ever be able to change W's mind -- only God could do that and only if W would allow it.
I know that much of what was said between S6 and myself would get back to W. So be it. I'm getting tired of this facade. Let her get mad at me. The pretense and the lies to me are so insulting.
