That's good to hear. I hope it continues to get better for you.
As far as the M issues getting put on the back burner, sometimes life is messy. We just do the best we can. It doesn't sound like things have spiraled down though.
If he's in the "we're friends" mode. Be his friend and or be unavailable some.
As for going about this all wrong, I don't think so. Do you keep a journal of what works and what doesn't? I find that the most helpful and it helps me to see the tiny positives.
Not sure what he means by "friends" b/c recently it has more like H is the person I married.
Like this morning for th 1st time in 5 months I got a kiss goodbye when I was leavning for work.
H also went out Tuesday night and said he would be home early. Well 4a.m. I guess that is early, early morning, that is. We talked about it. H thought I was mad when he got home. I said no I am not mad I am HURT! b/c you told me 1 thing and you do a compelete different thing. H did say sorry, but I think it was just in the heat of the moment. Also h said he is working on things... like not going out as much and the next thing he has to work on is saying no to going out longer and saying I have to go home to my WIFE and KIDS..
then yesterday morning H called me at work and said I am calling to apologize for last night. h said he knows he is wrong when he does these things and he is working on it. I told him I am proud of him for telling me and I appreciate that he did apologize. So I think H maybe really trying.
Any other suggestions?
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
I am back. Not that I wanted to be, or ever think i would be in this situation again, but this is the best place for me to be. I am just rereading these posts from the last time I was out here. So much has gone on. I have figured out that my H was not MLC... H is an addict. He has been thru an inpatient treatment 09/22/2015 thru 10/20/2015. We had resolved our issues and had a great/wonderful/loving 6 years. Prior to his treatment, I am not sure what set H off. He switched jobs, we bought a new house and then boom, things have spiraled down from there. After treatment things were good and like they should be for about 4 to 5 months. now we are to the point of him drinking again and I am getting the i don't love you and I don't see how i can be happy with you. I am going to be talking with a coach again to help me thru all of this. I just need support and reminders that we have gotten thru this once and we will get thru it again. God is amazing!
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Welcome back! I'm sorry you had to return, but this is a very safe place to post. I'm sorry your h is back to drinking. It sounds like he's self medicating whatever ails him and that depression could be playing right along w/his drinking. Addiction to anything that "makes them feel good for a while or helps them to forget" is difficult to kick and it takes strength and determination to stay the path and not give in to that addiction. It's a daily struggle for them to stay the path of being sober. Any idea what may have tipped him over this time?
I would keep the focus on my self and your family. I would seriously think about separating the bank account and credit cards to ensure that he's not out there spending the funds either or someone else or on something you aren't aware of.
Unfortunately, you can't control him, but you can control YOu and the want you handle your situation. I think you are wise to speak to a coach at this time. Are you in IC? If not, you might want to think about joining Al-Anon to help you cope and also a safe place to talk.
Keep the focus on you as much as you can and only believe 50% of what he says.
Again, I'm sorry you are back here.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, Thank you. I am not 100% sure what has tripped H and caused him to go back to drinking. There has been stress in our home, my step mom passed away about 3 weeks ago, our eldest daughter is NOT speaking to him, money struggles. So was it that or something else completely.
I am searching for a safe/comfortable al-anon group. I have tried several and still have not found the right fit.
As for the money, if i separate the bank accounts i will not be able to pay the bills, as of now he has no debit card, no credit cards, and we have just went to the banks yesterday and got it so it requires 2 signatures to withdraw cash. i asked if he would be ok with this and H's response was yes that is a great idea, as I know i will go take money if i can. This will help us!
i know that I have to watch actions more than H's words.
I am too sorry I am back here, but I know it has worked in the past and helped us thru, so I am confident that getting support here and talking with a coach will get me and us back to where we are supposed to be.
Thank you for your support
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Well I'm confused on where I should be. New comers or over here? H is an alcoholic and I don't know if this is just the disease or if it's part of MLC. He has been going out drinking again I know it has been going on for a month now. It may have been longer but addicts hide things so well. I'm really trying to DB. I'm struggling and then last night while he was drunk he was texting me and blowing up my phone. It would take me time to respond and I tried to be detached. But I think that made it worse. Finally a mutual friend stepped in and got him to stop. Not sure what the friend said or did to H but at least he stopped. He told me that he has been talking to this girl and has a good emotional connection to her. I didn't know how or what to say. I know with an addict you believe 50% of what they say and 50% of what they do. I don't know who this OW is that he thinks he has an emotional connection to but I do know she is his drinking partner right now. It hurts and I don't know how to survive
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Not that I wanted to be, or ever think i would be in this situation again, but this is the best place for me to be. I am just rereading these posts from the last time I was out here. So much has gone on. I have figured out that my H was not MLC... H is an addict. He has been thru an inpatient treatment 09/22/2015 thru 10/20/2015. We had resolved our issues and had a great/wonderful/loving 6 years. Prior to his treatment, I am not sure what set H off. He switched jobs, we bought a new house and then boom, things have spiraled down from there. After treatment things were good and like they should be for about 4 to 5 months. now we are to the point of him drinking again and I am getting the i don't love you and I don't see how i can be happy with you. I am going to be talking with a coach again to help me thru all of this. I just need support and reminders that we have gotten thru this once and we will get thru it again. God is amazing!