I have been reflecting on that rather ugly conversation with W yesterday.
W does not view my handling of S6's sickness very positively at all. She feels I was being stupid and arrogant in making decisions about S6's health without consulting with her. The fact that I did not call her until much later (this all happened before 6:30 in the early morning, BTW) she finds upsetting. If I felt it serious enough to go to the store for S6's stomach, then I should have gone to the Emergency Room instead, otherwise I should have stayed put and called her. She feels that I was negligent (once again) and that this represents yet more irresponsible behavior on my part, such that she questions whether I should be allowed to have any role in our S's lives. I apologized and admitted that it was a mistake to try to handle it all on my own before I notified her, and that was just a an error in judgment on my part. To be honest, she had neglected to call her own sons, as promised, the evening before, so I was indeed a bit upset with her already and thought if she did not care enough to call her sons the evening before, then she was too uninvolved with us to be concerned with S6's condition the following morning. Admittedly, I realize that maybe I was subconsciously punishing her for her callous behavior the night before. It is a mistake I should have not made.
She still insists that her relationship with OM did not occur ( implying it would not have happened otherwise) until I killed her love for her. I get the feeling from W that her obstinate (semi-admitted) lack of forgiveness means she is unlikely to ever recognize the error in her judgment.
The spew about the bank accounts reflects her lack of respect for me and her belief that I am incompetent and irresponsible. She conveniently forgets that for many years before we married and for the first few years of the marriage, I managed all of the bills and finances all by myself, just fine. Yet she treats me now like I'm an idiot.
Despite the painful backslide with the W yesterday, I did manage to glean a few tidbits of information that W did not realize she was inadvertently communicating to me. With her losing her own cool, she made some statements that allow one to really read between the lines.
She expressed a great amount of disappointment in my behavior since the separation. She said that all these activities I keep trying to participate in and stay so busy in (my GAL activities) were just not "me". She said I was being so very selfish in only thinking about myself all the time. She also feels that this is just some ploy on my part, that these are all activities just to "get her attention", and that annoys her greatly, especially (I noted) the Country Western Dancing. She said that the dancing is just not who I am. She expressed disdain for the entertainment and dance hall complex where I take these lessons, that it was not a very admirable place to be (she hates smoking and drinking -- habits I gave up a long, long time ago, BTW) and the only reason she had ever gone herself was to be with her girlfriends. She said she wouldn't choose to go there herself otherwise, and could not understand why I have now decided to regularly go there myself.
She also said all this effort and expense (bought a new four-person tent) to get back into camping was foolish and another attempt to get her attention. Previously, she had said it was a great idea for me and the S's, but now she feels it is something I am doing more for myself than for them. She said that despite my claims to be trying to change myself, she believes I am still being my old selfish self and doing these things for no one else but me. And she says that it just convinces her more that I can never really change.
I am a bit torn by her opinion as expressed concerning my GAL. Okay, she apparently is indeed noticing, despite my going (mostly) dark. I guess that is good. But is it backfiring?
I now know she is definitely mining S6 for information about me and what I do. S6, bless his heart, is very candid and the last person you would ever tell a secret to, because he can't help but say something without even being asked. It doesn't take much to get him to "sing", as he volunteers what he hears automatically -- and he hears just about everything, he is so perceptive. Early on W accused me with actively, shaking S6 down for information about OM, but I had done no such thing. S6 began spontaneously talking about OM's 15-year old son as an older brother. So when I confronted W with that later, she threatened me to never again use our son to spy on her. So, I assured her I wouldn't -- and I have even, since then, stopped S6 from saying too much in front of me at times. Clearly though, she has created a double standard, and is willing to use any information she gets from S6 against me. When I still lived in our house, before the separation, the MIL was W's spy and propaganda minister. (The brutal character assassination by the MIL is going to be one of the most difficult things I would ever try to forgive. I am not ready for that yet.)
So, the GAL can indeed be noticed by a separated spouse.
Observation: W is really bothered by the thought of me carousing and dancing in public in a bar/nightclub setting. Admittedly, I have been coming to the conclusion that it really is not my cup of tea when stacked against all the other claims on my time and energies. And there are other GAL activities that will likely bear better fruit. But now I am beginning to think, if this is really having an effect on W, maybe I should continue to pursue this? The devilsh side of me thinks, hey, if this gets her gall, then by all means go ahead with it. But I want to do these things for me, not her. I also don't want to do things, or not do things, that might only confirm her stereotyping/pigeon-holing of me either.
W also expressed disappointment that I was pursuing all these "distractions" and not making wise use of this newfound personal time to utilize my "talents" (I like to paint/illustrate and I like to write fiction.) I am a bit surprised that someone who claims to have lost any love for me is so concerned about my well being all of a sudden. It has been a long time now since she was ever concerned with what I want to do with my own life. Since the A started, maybe for some time before, she had pretty much given me up for dead, and could have cared less whether I was wasting my life or not. I don't get it. But then we cannot trust anything the WAS says now, can we?
How much of this is genuine and how much of this is pure manipulation, I don't know.
On reading your post there is a couple that strike me. First, it seems that your W is pumping your son for info. While this is a sign she's curious I must warn that involving your children in ANY way in your struggles is not good. Being a child of divorced parents (coincidently with my children being about the same age I was when they did :(( ) this will make adjustment for the children very hard. I know you may have little influence over her actions but PLEASE check yourself here.
You didn't specifically say that you were telling your wife about your GALing activities so maybe I'm misspeaking. But if you are separated now then there's no point mentioning where you go... if she finds out then so be it. And since GALing is for you it doesn't really matter that she gets upset -- it shows she still cares (seems crazy given the situation, I know). But definately keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like you're on track. It's your life and whether you were a dancer before or not if you like it -- keep it up. My wife has the same complaints, "You never did that in the 10 years I've known you." To quit your activities now would confirm her suspicions that you are just trying to get her attention.
I hope this makes sense... I'm working on being coherent today
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
"She still insists that her relationship with OM did not occur ( implying it would not have happened otherwise) until I killed her love for her. I get the feeling from W that her obstinate (semi-admitted) lack of forgiveness means she is unlikely to ever recognize the error in her judgment."
Replace "she" with "he", and I could have written your post. I am so sorry. Its awful to feel so unloved. Hurts so much.
Yes, the use of our S as a source of information is a troublng matter. S6 is always a fountain of information at times, and he can't help but blurp something out, even if you explicitly tell him not to tell anyone (he has spoiled the surprise for numerous birthdays and other occasions.) W warned me against trying to pump S6 for information on her and her activities (In my one case, I couldn't help it if he spontaneously volunteered the info), but she doesn't intend to follow her own advice, apparently.
I can only control myself, so what she does is out of my hands. I agree it is bad for our S's to intentially be used in this way.
I have not shared details about my GAL with the W, but when she asks I can be coy with her only so far. I'm not going to lie to her, so if she asks me point blank I will tell her just enough. Unfortunately she is getting details from S6. And I have found that she has opened my mail that arrives at the house -- she can see information on my purchases and where I made them -- so the cover charges for taking the dance lessons are there and so too are the camping supplies, etc. So maybe that's part of the reason she doesn't like my opening a separate checking account -- she won't be able to track what I do.
And yes, she said the exact same thing about the dance lessons, "The whole time we've been married you have never shown any interest in learning to dance. And you certainly didn't think about taking me out dancing in all that time either. Why now?"
I picked up our sons yesterday as usual for my weekend custody. The W had some mail for me, including some of my bills/statements she went ahead and opened, again (If she's going to make it a habit to be so nosy, then I have got to get the addresses changed!)
She had a check made out to me from her new personal account. I had mentioned to her previously that her mother, the MIL, should now pay rent for staying in our home. So this was a check for 500 dollars to pay me half of the rental (part of this is to help cover the cost of the house note I have taken over for her and the S's, and part of childcare).
Then W asked me if I would charge my own mother were she to have come to live with me. Not fully understanding what she meant, I asked her to explain. W asked would I charge my mother this much to rent out our spare bedroom. I said that if I were to ask my mother to come live with me, I most likely would not ask her to pay part of the rent, but she would insist anyway. And as for the amount, I asked her was she going to question the amount or whether I should be charging MIL at all to live under our roof. W said that it was quite "cold" of me to want to charge her mother, MIL, rent when I wouldn't do so for my own mother. Me: "How so?" W: "Because she takes care of our 2 S's five days a week. She takes S6 to the bus stop, and drops S2 off at Preschool. Then she's there for them when they get home and feeds them dinner before I get there when I'm running late." Me: "You forget. That was your job. If you bring in your mother to help you out during the time you have custody with the boys, then that's your choice, not mine. Frankly, if you wanted to hire a nanny, that would be your prerogative too, but I take care of the boys the entire time they're in my custody, without pawnimg them off onto someone else -- and I prefer it that way." W: <pause> "Yeah, you're right. She's there to benefit me and not you, so I guess it's fair." Me: "Are you wanting to negotiate what she the rental fee should be? You're the one who suggested five hundred. Is that still sound?" W: "Yes, I guess so. It's just that you are being you're typical cold self."
Am I wrong in this, folks?
I feel like the MIL has been taking advantage of me and my family and has, in addition, enabled and encouraged my W to pursue this separation and D. I feel she is a negative influence on my S's (she had the audacity to tell S6 that because I no longer live in that home, that it was no longer my house anymore) and a toxic personality all around. I do not appove of her raising my S's. And I know she condones (and encourages) W's relationship with the OM. I have shown her nothing but kindness and pity for her troubles in life, and yet she has done nothing but try to undermine my position in my own family.
On top of all that, just the fact MIL is there means W is not feeling the full effects and consequences of our separation as she should.
I know I am likely putting W in the position of defending MIL, but I don't think I should be footing the bill for someone to help betray me and destroy my family. Forgiveness is one thing, but stupidity is another.
She had to get that last zinger in. I know that all too well. That is fair of you. You aren't together at the moment. What you were defending makes total sense to me, but then again, we ARE the sane half, aren't we?
I still can't get over how I am the one who's feeling guilty for standing up for myself. If I dare to see to my own interests, I am the one who's being selfish.
(Nevermind that I am not the one who wanted this insane situation in the first place.)
Went to another DivorceCare meeting last night -- I am surprised each time how much I am getting out of a program that has "divorce" in the title. This session was on Reconciliation, and it's not exactly what we first think of. There are three levels of Reconciliation: (1) Basic Civility (2) Friendship and (3), the one we think of most, Restoration of the Marital Relationship.
I can only conclude that right now W and I are far from even a Level 1 Reconciliation. We talk about it, and recognize it as a necessary goal to being able to raise our S's. But there's still a lot of pent up hostility between us too -- and as long as W insists on seeing me as an enemy to her "happiness" and her warped solution to achieve it (i.e., the A), then it won't happen.
I am detaching and GAL'ing. I am also making a fundamental shift in my perspective on life, to focus more on the positive in my mind, and train myself to maintain a PMA.
This may be considered pursuing, a backslide, but I sent W an email last night just to suggest she seek out another church that is also using DivorceCare as their program (there are several in our area), as I really think she would get a lot out of it herself, regardless of what direction our marriage goes.
Other than that, I've been working my butt off again. Got about two hours sleep last night, even after having had so little sleep in the evenings prior. We lost yet another person in our department yesterday; the strain on everyone is palpable. I realize this might very well be the sign of the rats leaving the sinking ship. This could be serious and consequential on so many levels.
So, having caught up on all my reading assignments for tomorrow's Bible Studies meeting, I am very, very sleepy and ready to turn in.
