I wonder if in defending the other person, they are really trying to defend themselves? It would make sense to me for the walk away spouse to think, "Gee, if they think that way about the other-person, what do they think about me?"
And thus, they defend the other person, saying they aren't so bad, when they are truly trying to defend themselves?
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: I wonder if in defending the other person, they are really trying to defend themselves? It would make sense to me for the walk away spouse to think, "Gee, if they think that way about the other-person, what do they think about me?"
And thus, they defend the other person, saying they aren't so bad, when they are truly trying to defend themselves?
Here's how I feel about it.
I have told Calystra many times that she should not blame the OW for what happened, she should blame me. There was no point in time where the OW did something that I didn't want her to do, and at many times the OW stated she didn't want to damage a marriage. I explained the marriage was over, so she shouldn't worry about it, but she definately was concerned.
I'm certain there are plenty of things Calystra could be mad at the OW about, but any of those I'm doubly responsible for. I find it very important to take the blame when it's due, and it makes me feel bad to hear blame being put on someone else when I think it's my fault. I hurt OW a lot by leaving to go back to my W, and I told her I'd never talk to her again. I would rather let that be the end of everything.
Any extra contact from this point on would just be painful for everyone involved. If she was fired for something I knew about, she may end up thinking I did that (or W did), may end up trying to contact us, etc. I want it to be over, completely over. I want any blame to be put to me, and then W and I can work through those issues. With her EOM, I have no interest in blaming him or getting revenge. If I have issues, I'll take them up with my W. I just want the other R's to be gone if possible.
I realize that there is a lot of pain for everyone involved.
When my husband and I first started dating, he stayed loyal to an old girlfriend despite the things she did try to ruin our relationship.
Now, I know that you are in a completely different situation. So forgive me if I'm projecting...but I'm going to throw this out there.
My husband (then boyfriend) expressed the same reasoning you did. But I still felt like he was being loyal to her instead of me. And that hurt...a lot.
Could your wife be feeling the same, despite your noble intentions?
Quoting Ceberon: I have told Calystra many times that she should not blame the OW for what happened, she should blame me. There was no point in time where the OW did something that I didn't want her to do, and at many times the OW stated she didn't want to damage a marriage. I explained the marriage was over, so she shouldn't worry about it, but she definately was concerned.
I'm certain there are plenty of things Calystra could be mad at the OW about, but any of those I'm doubly responsible for. I find it very important to take the blame when it's due, and it makes me feel bad to hear blame being put on someone else when I think it's my fault.
Ok but here's the problem. OW was supposed to be my friend too but instead of even having any consideration for me at all, she jumped into bed with you at the first chance she got. I blame her for being there to do that, I blame her for taking that opportunity, I blame her for stabbing me in the back. If she was not there, it may have been someone else you chose to do that with but I doubt it. I don't think you could have done a lot of what you did without her, she was your enabler and I blame her for that. Even if it was someone else, it would have been someone I didn't know, not someone who was supposed to be my friend.
Quoting Ceberon:I would rather let that be the end of everything.
Any extra contact from this point on would just be painful for everyone involved. <snip> I just want the other R's to be gone if possible.
I definitely agree, I really try not to bring it up anymore - I'm doing good with that, no? I just need some place to vent... and this BB wins the prize.
Back in the fall when my H spent most of the night at my best friend's place...I pretty much lost it at the thought of having a friend stab me in the back too.
(point of fact...nothing at all happened with the two of them, she was pulling for our M and lending him an ear)
Ceb, it really is different if the OW is someone you know, worse yet if you trusted them, worse yet if you considered them a friend. It just is. And in this case the OW went ahead with your A, KNOWING that she was stabbing a "friend" in the back. That's just awful!
Cal, thanks soooo much for your excellent insights into this whole flirting business, I really, really appreciate it.
Picked up the Sex Starved Marriage and started reading it outloud to H last night. He really likes when I read outloud to him and I enjoy doing it so it's a good sitch altogether. Let's just say that the book works wonders because we barely made it through the first chapter.
Seriously though, I was avoiding the book because I assumed it was just about sex and M but it's got a lot of DR and DB principles in it too. So if you were avoiding it for the same reason I was, it might not be a bad idea to go ahead and pick it up.
Ive been thinking about picking up that book because, as you know, we have no sex life right now. I just might get it this weekend. I think I am going to make a list of books to buy this weekend.
Sounds like a plan. Glad its obviously working for you.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Floyd - I got the book as soon as it became available on Amazon. It's a great read - compliments DB and DR very well. It does delve quite a bit into some of the physiological as well as psychological reasons as well as strategies.
Cal - couldn't make it through the first chapter, huh? Hope that you and Ceb can continue to light the way for us!
Hope that you and Ceb can continue to light the way for us!