It's not a person that "makes" you happy. Happiness is something you have to find and build in yourself. Relying on someone else for happiness is a big burden, it makes happiness completely conditional. That's very unhealthy.
I couldn't agree more, Root.
I've tried to explain this to the W but she resists the thought. She has said she grew weary trying to do "everything" to make me happy, but I am just too pessimistic, moody and dark a person. She says she tried "everything", beating herself bloody on my "cave", to get me to come out. She says that as my W she should be able to make me happy ... if I really loved her.
Translation: She should have the power over me to be able to control my emotions and my overall mood. So she rationalizes her failure to do so as proof that I had stopped loving her.
At the same time she feels that I did not love her because I did not make her happy in return. (And I would guess that being able to control my behavior is what would bring her the happiness and security she desires in a relationship.)
I have tried to explain to her that no one really has the power to make someone else happy. Your children, your spouse, your family, friends, neighbors, they have but a contributory effect on one's happiness -- but ultimately you have to decide to be happy. The keys to our own happiness are in our own hands (I had just misplaced mine for a long time. )
Ultimately, though, the only one whose hands you can truly trust those keys in is God.
It's not a person that "makes" you happy. Happiness is something you have to find and build in yourself. Relying on someone else for happiness is a big burden, it makes happiness completely conditional. That's very unhealthy.
ROOT I completely agree. That is something I am figuring out slowly. I was just saying this is my H's point. I don't think it has anything to do with any "one" making us happy, it is just frustrating that my H is in such a fog that he thinks his feelings and desire for happiness trumps mine. I know he is not what makes me happy, and actually while I was out running errands today, H and the OW crossed my mind and I thought to myself 'wow it is pretty sad that my H had to find someone to try to make himself happy, yet i am able to find happiness within myself'.
so i guess that i what you are saying, and that is what i have been learning.
Well what about the LBS? We are not granted that same right?
From what I gather from my W, I am not supposed to recover from this. She expected me to just wallow in my depression and die a broken man if need be.
Tough cookies for her if I have decided not to go along with her plan.
Actually my H told me the opposite, he thought I would not be sad, I would be happy to see him gone. That I was such a 'bit$h' for so long and apparently so cold hearted that I would just let him walk out and go on my merry way.
I have tried to explain to her that no one really has the power to make someone else happy. Your children, your spouse, your family, friends, neighbors, they have but a contributory effect on one's happiness -- but ultimately you have to decide to be happy. The keys to our own happiness are in our own hands (I had just misplaced mine for a long time. )
The point is, there is no explaining anything to the WAS. So like ROOT was saying elsewhere, just validate her thoughts and feelings, no matter how crazy they are. Then she can stop looking at you like you are crazy and start having to think for real, stop thinking of justifications. Right now she is justifying, and trying to convince her of anything other then what she is telling you, herself, and anyone else who will listen is of no use. It is all cheeseless tunnels.
absolutely. Yes, arguing with them shows you don't see their point of view and makes them want to dig in deeper. Keep up the good DB fight everyone. DB is for me.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
Ain't that the truth! I finally realized -- and continue to rediscover, unfortunately -- that I have been wasting my breath with her (and here I thought I was the stubborn one in this R.)
I appreciate the insight, Cali. I just have to find the strength of character to bite my tongue whenever her alien spew comes out -- it is not easy for me, since I have this strong, natural urge to correct falsehoods and misconceptions when I hear them. If I can somehow steer clear of R talks, I'll be fine. Forgiving her (at least within my own mind) is supposed to help.
Oh, brother. I wish I could really take my own advice. I wish I had the wisdom and fortitude to be able actualize what I know to be the wise and (as Confucious would say) honorable path.
<journaling> I blew it again this evening with the W.
She had left me another nasty-gram in my voicemail, complaining about our joint bank account. I called her back to find out what had riled her up. Last week I opened a personal checking account and told her about it. She had already opened a personal bank account for herself back in July. And I decided to open one for myself as a protective measure. I intend to have most of my paycheck direct-deposited to the personal account, and have only part of it drawn into the joint account to cover child support.
Today she got a letter from the bank saying the balance had fallen too low and triggered the overdraft protection. She launched into me saying I was irresponsible for taking all of the money out of the joint account and putting it into my personal account. I explained to her that I did not take all of the money out of the joint account, but only half. What was left should have been more than enough to cover any outstanding payments made from that account, but it did not. I apologized to her for the mistake -- and I refrained from telling her that only I have been contributing to this account ever since she opened her own account.
She got snippy with me and she asked why I opened a separate account instead of using the joint account. In reply, I asked her, "Why did you open your own separate account?" She said, "Because I can't trust you...", then that's where she caught herself. I continued saying, "And you think I am the one who's been acting the most untrustworthy of late?"
She then brought up the SA (separation agreement) again, saying she thought I should sign it if I wanted to guarantee her behavior. If I sign the SA then I could be assured that I would be protected legally.
I have ignored her suggestions to sign the SA, especially as she currently has them written. I am trying to avoid the issue as much as possible. I told her I appreciated her concerns for my legal standing (yeah, right), but I just don't agree with the terms. She asked whether I disagreed with the divying of the liabilities. I said no, but I don't need to sign a piece of paper to honor our agreement, specially when the other terms were not so agreeable.
She then asked whether I did not want to have a legal gauarantee to child visitation (by signing her SA). That's when I started to lose my cool. I asked her, "Are you implying that you intend to not honor our verbal agreement?!"
Let me tell you, from there the conversation spiralled out of control very quickly. She threatened to withhold my rights to have visititaion with my S's, let alone joint custody, if I didn't go along with her plans. And we ended up letting loose on each other all over again. We argued over the R and the failures each of us made to it. We argued about the history revisions, we accused each other of being delusional, and I said far too many anti-DB remarks.
It got very heated, but at one point I just stopped suddenly and said, "You know what? Why don't we just stop arguing. I don't ike getting mad, and I don't like making you mad. It does neither of us any good."
I then cooled down very quickly, which is pretty amazing for me. W was still trying to argue, saying stuff like my anger is who I am, and I need to stop being who I am not. I calmly told her, "Yes, for many years now I have been very angry, and for that I apologize. I am trying to change that. Too often you thought you needed to "fix' my anger, but all you did in so doing was make yourself the source of that anger."
From that point we had a tense but less antagonistic conversation. We still were in disagreement, but for the first time I was really better able to reign in my volatile anger. I think it surprised her a little how quickly I got us back under control.
Nevertheless, the damage was done. Whatever positives might have come out of my success in calming the situation down midstream are going to be ignored and forgotten in the future, and all W will remember are the negatives, that we had another fight.
Aaaah yes, this week I have lost it as well, and definately slid us backwards a bit. Its hard to do a calm battle with our spouses, because they are looking for a fight, pushing our buttons, wanting to make us the bad guy, wanting us to do those things we always do. So they can say "See, this is why we are in trouble.". I think your W is angry because you *have* changed your behavior (calming down) and she is confused by it. Confusion is good, they just don't know what to do with it, so they lash out.
I am sad to see your kids brought into the fight. Nobody should use their kids as leverage, that's just so wrong in so many ways. Even my crazy punk H realized that awhile back, and since then we can remain calm when discussing possible separation. So far.
I am so sorry!!!!
I have no advice, but to just continue on, head held high and know that yes, the fight happened, but you stopped it by calming down, and that's a big improvement.
)