All of that sounds very good. You mentioned tai chi, have you thought of martial arts? Often they have family discounts and it would be wonderful for your boys. I think it's particularly good for AS kids. Lots of motor/sensory work, bilaterial integration (to help stimulate both sides of the brain), kind of like OT without the expensive price! Also, helps make men hunky!
I'm glad to hear you are attending Divorce Care. That support will be very helpful. One of my good friends goes and mentioned one of the attendees did get back with his wife. Although I gather a lot of their focus is on moving on. The whole forgiveness aspect is crucial regardless of where the relationship goes. It's the people who hold onto bitterness (like this close friend of mine!), who really struggle and seem to have more difficulty healing. I was always very disappointed that she refused to DB (and I spent almost every single day with her last summer!). Oh well...
You hang in there and keep doing positive things. Country Western dancing...hummmm.... what about hip hop? Might be a better way to get out aggressions and you don't have to listen to all those "broken heart" songs. Just a thought!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I don't know how to forgive right now. I think the hurt is too raw. I have a fear that if I do verbally forgive H (he hasn't asked for it, by the way), that he will also consider that 'forgetting'.
You mentioned tai chi, have you thought of martial arts? Often they have family discounts and it would be wonderful for your boys. I think it's particularly good for AS kids.
That's what a co-worker has advised me as well (her S18 has AS and he does karate.) S6 has already shown interest when he has seen me practice T'ai Chi Chuan and Qigong. He's so funny -- after about five minutes he flops on the floor and says, "Boy, I'm tired! This is harder than it looks."
We looked into Taikwando for S6, but I think karate might be more his style. Most of the dojos around here have some pretty steep fees, but I'm still looking.
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
Country Western dancing...hummmm.... what about hip hop? Might be a better way to get out aggressions and you don't have to listen to all those "broken heart" songs. Just a thought!
<chuckle> I used to hate Country music, thinking it was for "grownups". Have always loved both Rock and Classical (and Classic Rock ) Have always had an affinity for the Blues, Folk and "Americana". Loved Hank Williams Sr. (as well as a wide eclectic choice in musical genres) in college. Now I find I have a thing for Modern Country. Especially now -- it goes well with relationship problems and there's always some song playing that strikes a chord with my sitch. (I guess that could be seen as either good or bad.)
The dancing is supposed to be good exercise, but I am coming to the conclusion the other students are a bit more advanced than I, so I am easily left behind. Need to find some folks who are just starting out. If I don't have the rhthym for the Cotton Eye Joe, I don't think I'd have a prayer for Hip Hop.
Thanks for the suggestions, root. I appreciate any feedback.
I don't know how to forgive right now. I think the hurt is too raw. I have a fear that if I do verbally forgive H (he hasn't asked for it, by the way), that he will also consider that 'forgetting'.
You are one amazing father too by the way!
Thanks, lwb. Coming from someone such as yourself who has shown such poise in handling your conversation with your spouse, that's a great complement.
The thing about forgetting is that only God can truly "Forgive and Forget" It is impossible for we mortals -- we can forgive but we can not help but remember (if we're conscious of course.) And it is not necessary for the offender to ask for our forgiveness, nor to have repented their sin, nor even to have acknowledged the injury in the first place. All that is required is that we forgive that person, because, as Michele wrote, it is a gift to ourselves.
By forgiving those who have done us wrong, we in effect turn this hurt over to God, for He is the final judge. And by taking this burden off of us and letting God deal with that person (whether sooner or later) then we are freeing ourselves up to move on, past the pain. It does feel like the wise and spritually uplifting thing to do, but I also know, personally, that it is very, very hard to do. Every time you think you might be past the hurt, something dredges it back up. But then that is just part of the cyclical, evolving nature of our healing process. Each time it gets a little easier and little easier.
I really see the wisdom now in letting go and GAL'ing. It goes hand-in-hand with Forgiveness. It's more for us, not the spouse or the marriage necessarily.
"I really see the wisdom now in letting go and GAL'ing. It goes hand-in-hand with Forgiveness. It's more for us, not the spouse or the marriage necessarily. "
And it is not necessary for the offender to ask for our forgiveness, nor to have repented their sin, nor even to have acknowledged the injury in the first place. All that is required is that we forgive that person, because, as Michele wrote, it is a gift to ourselves.
By forgiving those who have done us wrong, we in effect turn this hurt over to God, for He is the final judge. And by taking this burden off of us and letting God deal with that person (whether sooner or later) then we are freeing ourselves up to move on, past the pain. It does feel like the wise and spritually uplifting thing to do, but I also know, personally, that it is very, very hard to do. Every time you think you might be past the hurt, something dredges it back up. But then that is just part of the cyclical, evolving nature of our healing process. Each time it gets a little easier and little easier.
Noco,
Did you have a vision? See a burning bush or something?
This is right ON. I know it is hard and I know it would be nice if the "offender" would say they were sorry but it is not necessary to move on. This is what I am trying to do. I am trying to re establish the emotional /intimate bond between my W and me. After this is done. Then I would like to address what went wrong in the past and what WE can do to prevent it from happening again.
Husband
Last edited by husband; 09/12/0710:58 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Nah... Well, maybe a shrubbery... of genus epiphany.
I have been thinking a lot about the lessons I learned on forgiveness in reading the Bible and in these support group sessions -- I have been taking a lot of the messages to heart and have been ruminating on how this applies to DB'ing and GAL'ing.
I just find a lot of time now of days to reflect on things, especially while pumping iron and doing other activities in my solitude, away from my family. I guess that would be a plus in the separation. Before the wakening and the bomb, I just did not give myself enough time to gather my wits and really search my soul -- I rarely had the time available. Now I have no choice.
And now that I have had success at keeping the depression at bay, the contrast is startling. It is as if I was deaf and blind and suddenly could see again -- and I have so much more clarity than when I was lost in the fog. Mind you, that is a curse as well as a blessing sometimes.
Mostly though, I realize how close I was to to never coming out of the coma, to losing everything, including my very soul. I realize that I want to live, and that truly living does not mean living just for now, but for eternity. And it has to start with this life and turning it over to God.
You see, GAL should be for heart, mind, body and soul.
Also, I have this faith now that tells me that even if I cannot save my W and my marriage, should W never give me the chance to prove my truth and veracity in this life and our paths continue down separate ways, then should the both of us be fortunate enough to meet again in the hereafter, she will then truly know my heart was indeed for real.
Whatever happens, I intend to continue to grow spiritually to the end of my days, regardless of the outcome. This is for my family as much as it is for me.
That's so nice of you. I am merely synthesizing/synergizing all the thoughts and readings I've had over many days -- from my Bible Studies, from the support group meetings, from counseling, from these forums. (It's funny how you begin to notice all these similar themes converging at about the same time frame -- all I've done is just to simply put them all together in summary.)
Now I guess I have enough intelligence to see the solution and to figure it out, but I can only hope that I have the necessary wisdom and the strength of character to actually persevere and carry out what I know to be right. Forgiveness is very hard.
The quote about forgiveness is interesting. I think there is a two-fold meaning to forgiveness. One, letting go of the anger within yourself. That can be done unilaterally as you describe. And two, forgiveness that is meaningful to the offender. I don't think that side of forgiveness can be fully achieved unless the offender either wants or asks for your forgiveness. Too often the LBS is saying "I have forgiven you" to a WAS has no interest in the forgiveness. To that WAS the forgiveness is just another unwanted gift from the LBS. It will not be of value to the WAS until that he/she feels contrition and wants forgiveness.
) Have always had an affinity for the Blues, Folk and "Americana". Loved Hank Williams Sr. (as well as a wide eclectic choice in musical genres) in college. Now I find I have a thing for Modern Country. Especially now -- it goes well with relationship problems and there's always some song playing that strikes a chord with my sitch. (I guess that could be seen as either good or bad.)