Hi Jarhead, While I was waiting for the book, I read all the articles on this website...even the first chapter of the book. I think you can get them in the archives and from the home page. When you get the book, read Step 5...this was suggested when I had a coaching consult with a DB coach. It is the Last Resort Technique...It's what I am doing now. I was told, 'don't be scared by the title...it's just a name. Read EVERYTHING you can before you talk with your W again. Then set your goals. Good luck.
M 45 H 44 M 11 T 14 Bomb 3/07 My sad story More details
OK... So I told her I didn't want to file. I told her I didn't feel right doing something I didn't want to do. I kind of got the impression she was happy to hear that, but it was followed by... "You knew this was going to happen... it's what we agreed upon." I reiterated it's not what I want... I don't want to give up on us. To which she replied "And I do"... I didn't respond. The obvious was "So you're sticking me with the bill?" And I said that's not the way I mean it.. I just don't feel comfortable doing this. She stared for a minute.. finally noticed that I had shaved my Goatee (which she likes) and asks what that is about. I said "something different... for you" She knew I did it for her anyway. Then she asked what was wrong with me... I told her that I loved her and I didn't want to give up on us.
She had to go... it was time for her to go to her Atty's. She has school tonight and won't be home till 10:00, so I get to sit on pins and needles till then. At least I'll have the girls to keep me busy!!
OK... So I told her I didn't want to file. I told her I didn't feel right doing something I didn't want to do. I kind of got the impression she was happy to hear that
No But! That is great - good for you. Just stay strong & consistent. Do whatever you need to do for the next few hours to make sure that you show her your best when she gets home. Make her rethink about the person she is wanting to leave.
I JUST GOT MY BOOK.... I'm so excited. To hopefully have a plan!!!
I started reading "His needs/Her needs" last night. The chapter on affection slammed me like a ton of bricks. I felt horrible... I wanted to go into our room and hold her because I hadn't for so long. I know that I've been wrong, I just want another chance to fix it.
I would say yes for the his needs/her needs but no for the DB'ing book. (I have read both). You don't want your actions to come across as being part of a plan or script... Which a WAS could think of the DBing book.
Read the does and don'ts on this website. Looks like you have met some of the good ones already.
In respect of the DB book, keep it to yourself, don't even let her see you reading it. I am treating my sitch as a war and using all the ammunition and information to my best efforts.
I totally agree with everything that all the other posters have said about the seperation. Explain to her that you love her, you are willing to give her space, but you are not going to pay to file. You can always say you originally agreed because your emotions were all over the place (I agreed to everything originally).
One of the best things you are doing is looking after yourself and your children. Now the really hard thing to do is 'not chase', in fact no relationship talk at all.
At the moment she will be trying to push your buttons and you have to rise above it, walk away and be the person she fell in love with.
I know this goes against all the natural order of things (does for me), but boy does it work. I have gone from 'I want you out and a spereation for several months' to 'I'm trying to sort out my work for our holiday in October'. You will slide - we all have, but be strong, use this website to vent your feelings and act 'as if' everything is great.
Can someone point me in the right direction for the do's and don'ts?
I'm sure I'm breaking all the rules.. I'm out of my skull right now. Things went from OK to horrible. On the way home from picking up the girls from school, she calls me. She's on the way back from the lawyer and she seems to like him. She goes into the "so what's this you don't want to file stuff.." then she gets another call... after 2-3 minutes I hang up. She calls me back we talk for like 2 seconds and she's interrupted again. I ask for her to talk to me, but she switches over. I hang up. She walks in the house like 2 minutes later and I say "Thanks for the respect of talking to me!!" She said "It was my mother" and I said, "We'll you can call her back.. we kind of have an issue here!!"
So basically, she said I'm trying to screw her. She couldn't afford a lawyer and now I'm scheming her into staying by not filing. Even worse, she somehow assumed I was paying for both lawyers. I asked her if this is really what she wanted. She's an animal nut.. we have 2 cats, 2 dogs and her passion... 2 horses. She's agreed to give them all up. I asked if that's what she really wants. Evidently it is.
I told her over and over I'm not trying to screw her.. that I love her and can't do something I don't think is right.
I basically took all the blame.. I've done this, I've done that.. I'm going to change... yada yadda yaddda. Of course the "How do I believe that"
I'm so stupid.... She then said that she needs her space... she needs to think... she doesn't even know if this thing is salvageable.
She is so angry with me right now... She said "Even if I wanted to work things out with you, it's little stuff like this that pushes me away" Meaning screwing her over.
I'm sick over this... I plan to read the book as much as possible tonight... hopefully I can put a plan in place instead of this gut wrenching yo-yo game that she is winning.
Oh yeah... she seems to get a kick out of knowing when I'm in pain... is that normal?
Soldier! Yes to all. It is called Alien Spew. Ignore it.
OK, believe what I am about to say young man. Your wife is giving you signals here that it is not over. Her anger w/ you is so predictable most of us could have written the script.
Help us out, how can you just get "out of her way?"
That is what this is going to take IMHO.
Anyone else, Jar needs some help.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
