One thing you may or may not know is families who have children with issues (autism, OCD, ADHD, tourettes, etc...) have a higher statistical chance of marital discord and divorce. I think part of this is parents often disagree on how to deal with it. That adds a lot of strain to the marriage. Add in crazy work schedules, busy child rearing, lack of mom and dad time together, friendship, dating each other, etc... and you have a pretty dreary situation.
By the way, my husband and I have had a lot of disagreement over how to deal with my son's issues. Even though I don't introduce my son as having autism, I have done other things in the past that have made my husband very angry (differences of opinion on dealing with OCD or sensory issues, a med trial I enrolled my son...). These things did have a huge impact on the marriage. On the other hand, I don't think it absolves the person having the affair of what they are doing. It just helps make it easier to understand.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
<Journaling> Labor Day weekend was not very good for me. I backslid a bit and much of the momentum came from the W. It got off on a bad foot because I give too much consideration to her.
I had been planning to take the boys (S6 and S2) camping at a nearby state park. At first the W was very supportive of me getting back into camping and introducing my sons to its joys. But the Wednesday before, she began to express reservations about our S's being too young, and too much of a handful, especially for tent camping. I immediately performed a 180 on her and said maybe she's right, especially S2.
I then quickly said that maybe we could slowly introduce the both of them to camping by setting up the tent in our backyard (of our house where W resides with MIL). It would be far more safe and contained than out in one of the local camping grounds. W immediately protested the very thought. She said that Friday was out of the question, but Saturday might be all right, she'd have to think about it.
Curious, I gently asked why, recalling that the MIL was going to be out-of-town. W hemmed and hawed and finally said that she did not want our S's to get the idea that my camping with them in our backyard constituted their daddy returning back into the household. (WTH??? It's my house too!)
I told her okay and dropped the matter. She tried to compromise by saying I could take just S6 to the state park's camping grounds and leave S2 with her. I declined; while I think S6 and I could use some quality time together, just F and S, I have been reluctant to give back any time with either of them to W, 3-day weekend or not. I enjoy them too much to give up what little I get as it is.
So as a backup plan, I used a smaller tent and set it up in the middle of the living room of my apartment. All three of us had a blast, and I am able to begin training them in a safe and (very) controlled environment, without the W being too concerned.
As for the W, I knew what was going down, however. I'm not stupid, and I saw immediately through her back-peddling about not wanting me there Friday -- but somehow Saturday was a possibility? And I didn't need S6 asking his mother where she was when she made her regular bedtime call to them that Friday night either. Here it is, 8:30 PM (she's usually famished by 5:30 or 6), her mother is out-of-town, and she tells S6 she's out "having dinner". When he asks why, she says it's because "she's hungry", and leaves it at that.
Saturday afternoon I took the boys over to the state park to fish in the lake there -- thus the other component of a typical camping trip. None of us so much as got a bite, but 2 S had fun trying. They both were a little disappointed in not being able to bring home some fish to eat, but I think they just enjoyed being out with their F more than anything. I enjoyed the time with them greatly.
However, as we were leaving the park, around 6 PM, I noticed a couple of voicemail messages on the cellphone -- one left about 5:35 PM and the other at 5:50. The messages from W were frantic, especially the second one which was marked as URGENT. W was getting hysterical in her tone -- and because she started out saying, "I reaally need to get in touch with you..." I began thinking something tragic had happened.
I listened further and realized W was hysterically overreacting at not being able to get ahold of us when she called both times. She accused me of purposely setting the phone to go directly to voicemail so as to avoid her and prevent her from speaking to "her" S's. She actually threatened to call out the lawyers on me. She then said that now the cellular bill was in her name, the cellphone I was using was now "hers" and she was going to take it and make it the property of S6, so her sons would always have access to their mother. My jaw was in my lap and my exasperation and anger rising. I kept my cool though.
I called her back and calmly told her she was way over reacting. I told her where we had been, fishing, and that she had even encouraged it when I told her of our plans early that morning. I told her I was not happy with the accusatory tone of the messages she left and that, while I understood none of this that has been happening to us was easy for her either, she had very little grounds in charging me with actions she deemed untrustworthy. I told her she had scared the living h*ll out of me and that now I was very concerned with the manner in which her mind was leading her now of days. I told her I was watching her behavior very closely now.
In the end she apologized for overreacting. But despite that she has assured me she is okay now, this outburst tells me quite a bit where her mind is now. It ain't good. I think the guilt for whatever salacious behavior she may be engaging in has caused her to crack up somewhat.
<more journaling> Yesterday was rough for me. I could feel the millstone of depression quite heavily being alone last evening in the apartment. I can now really understand how people can harm themselves when going through these painful ordeals. (No, I'm okay -- I'm just saying I understand.)
Contrast that with today, especially this evening. All afternoon I was getting more and more charged up in anticipation of going back to our house to pick up the boys. I now have my 2 S's safely tucked away in their bunk-bed, and I am as content as I can be. I have come to realize that for some time when I have been around the W I am not quite as happy as I should be. I love being around my W, don't get me wrong, I really do -- that is, until she says something to me. It is then I realize that I am better off when she's gone (at least while the alien body snatchers have her brain enthralled).
It is just that now I have come to realize that my S's are still my family (even though she is breaking this family apart), and I love them very much and appreciate every moment I get with them. The wife has been under the impression that my weekends with them had been too stressful for me in the past. Her observations (whenever she wasn't at work and happened to be around to see) were that I didn't enjoy helping to raise them. I have always told her she was misjudging me in that regard but I could never put my finger on why. But now I can. Whenever she is around me and I'm taking care of our children, I have not enjoyed the experience. Her control freak nature kicks in and she tries to criticize how I am handling them. I happen to be just fine when she's not there to complain about how I do things. And she is not around to observe the positives when they happen, because she tends to inhibit them by her very presence. The Heisenburg Uncertainty Principle in action, folks.
Anyway, this afternoon as I am starting the engine of my car with my 2 S's in the back seat, I've got Rascal Flatt's song "Me and My Gang" on the CD player, and I decided to crank it up loud. My S's love this song, especially S6, and it has become the semi-official theme song for the three of us. The W, standing to the side of the driveway as we're pulling out, has this odd look on her face. She's smiling but you can tell it's more for the kids' sake, and you can almost read her mind, "He is acting like such a juvenile."
I didn't care, I was just happy. She can see the three of us with big happy grins on our faces as we're rockin' out on this up song, our heads nodding to the beat. It was a great feeling. I reached my hand to the back seat where the boys were and they each slapped me a "five". S6 is now singing along with the song as we drive out of the cul de sac, music blaring, grins flashing and hands waving bye-bye to Mommy.
Was I rubbing it in? Maybe. But I am not going to fail to enjoy the time I have with my S's just because it might happen to make W feel bad. Her happiness for now has been removed from my list of responsibilities, at her insistence.
I truly understand, all too well now. Such things as the disageements on how to handle issues concerning the children can indeed become a significant contributing factor to marital difficulties. Our M is certainly proof of that.
But yes, there are no marital difficulties that can justify adultery. In fact there is nothing I can think of that could ever justify such an offense.
NoCode, I totally agree. While we can try to understand what brought our spouses to commit adultery, it can never be justified, no matter how they twist it.
W called this morning before she went to work, to talk to our S's before she starts her day. She then called back, first to tell me she finally got a package my mother had sent her for her birthday last week (just a a b'day card and a few books W had left behind during our visit in July. Then to make a comment about my C session tomorrow. She just said she agreed that we should never talk about C or R within earshot of S6. I was trying to be first to end the call at that point -- I certainly was trying to avoid the direction her conversation was going.
She said she hoped that the C (who had tried to be our MC) could shed more light on his reference to Hosea, as she felt any anaolgy to Hosea's wife did not really fit her or our situation. I paused for a moment, trying to consider my words, and said "I am sorry this really bothers you. I will inquire wih him when I see him, since I am not sure myself." And then again, I tried to break off the conversation. But she continued by saying she really hoped I would, because she was considering using him for her IC, and she would like to think he had a better understanding of her position than that advice to me suggested. She continued to say that in the two solo session she had with him that she thought he was very good at asking the right questions to allow her to better understand herself and her past motivations. She said she felt he had really helped the two us to better understand the issues that has caused our marriage to fail and to understand better how to communicate in raising our S's. She said that if he really thought W was on a parallel with Gomer, Hosea's wife, it would really change how she thought of him, since W thinks of herself as nothing like that (i.e., an unfaithful whore of a wife).
I am in agony by this point. I want to break it off so badly, but she's left this pregant pause for me to reply, and I am fighting to come up with the right words to get me out of this, but i also don't want to be seenas running and hiding back in my shell again, the very behavior she has had a problem with. I said, "We're talking about the R again. With S6 sitting right next to me."
She continued, saying something about she was never unfaithful to me while we were married <Huh?! WTH?!!!>. She said that I was the one who broke our vows first when I failed to "love, honor and cherish" her early on. She went further to say that I had broken my vows over the last 16 years. She said she never did anything unfaithful until I killed the marriage, implying what she's been up to was not adulterous since, in her mind, the marriage was already over by then!
I can't tell you how this chills me to the bone to hear such rationalizations coming from her lips. I was being very, very calm and quiet with her, but I was (am) seethingly angry and hurt. I was thinking to myself, "You are one sick and twisted soul right now, aren't you?"
After another pregnant pause, I said, "You don't have to explain this to me. I am not the One you will have to try to explain this to some day."
I told her that her participation in the MC'ing was a sham, that she had only been going through the motions. She tried to say that she never said it was for MC, but so she I could get along and learn to better raise our S's. I told her she has wasted my time, and she can see an IC if she wants to but I am not trading C information with her anymore. As far as I am concerned there was no MC at all because she had never allowed for any possibility of reconciliation.
I said I will do as I see fit, and she can do as she sees fit. She then snidely said that she doesn't need my permission. I said, "No, and I don't need yours either."
I told her goodbye and ended the call.
I feel like I am living in a Twilight Zone episode.
I really fear for my W's mortal soul more and more each day -- and this is so very agonizing for me to witness. I do see every time I talk to her the wisdom in further detaching, but I am still very, very concerned for how all this will play out for my poor S's.
I am praying so very much, for my family and for my wife's poor lost soul.
Tonight the W never called at 8 PM (like she said she would) to speak to our 2 S's as I was putting them to bed. I let both S6 and S2 leave her voicemail messages, and hoped she would return our call before they fell asleep. I then called the house and ther was no answer. I could tell the boys were disappointed, but I tried to assuage their concerns and kill a little more time (to give their mother another chance to call) by reading some more bedtime stories. Soon, it's almost 9 PM and 2 S's are very sleepy (we swam in the pool again today) -- and still no call from the W.
I am more than a bit concerned and starting to get a little ticked off. I tried all her phone numbers again for a second round, and still no luck. We leave another voicemail for her and S2 is is starting to whine about not talking to Mommy.
Finally she calls back just as I've given up. She claims to be at "the office" doing paperwork and missed our calls to her on her cellphone. Yeah, right. I am wondering whether she chose to "do her paperwork" at the office instead of at the house might be because a certain co-worker is keeping her company. Whether or not she's up to no good or not is not the point -- the fact that she forgot to call her own children when she promised them she would has got me steamed. (And she keeps telling me that she is being a good mother to our S's. Maybe in the past, but I'm certainly not seeing it now.)
You know if I had pulled this little stunt, especially after assuring S6 that she would call again before bedtime, but had actually forgotten, she would have reamed me a new one from head to toe.
Moreover, after that little blowup from her last weekend at not having ready access to be able to talk to our S's, this callous disregard for the fact that they, our S's, might actually want to talk to her is hypocritically grating. Such a double standard.
Please, somebody give me my real wife back! This ain't funny anymore.
I could really use some advice from the veterans in this forum.
I am tempted to contact the OM's W to see what information she might have. I know practically nothing about their sitch, other than they've had some difficulties as well. In fact, just looking at the cellphone records I can pretty much tell that about some time aroundt mid-July the OM and his W split up. I figure they too must have separated about that time since the calls between their residence's lan-line and my W's cellphone suddenly stopped about that time, and thereafter it was just the OM's cellphone.
So, has any body sized up the Pro's and Con's for getting more info from the other injured party?
This is delicate territory. I have not contacted my W OM W. I have the Phone Number but Have not done it.It can go either way sometimes you can work together and sometimes it joins the two more. Rule of thumb is no contact
husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
>>She continued, saying something about she was never unfaithful to me while we were married <Huh?! WTH?!!!>. She said that I was the one who broke our vows first when I failed to "love, honor and cherish" her early on. She went further to say that I had broken my vows over the last 16 years. She said she never did anything unfaithful until I killed the marriage, implying what she's been up to was not adulterous since, in her mind, the marriage was already over by then!<<
Blues,
You know the rationalization for guilt is normal. Just ignore it, and say, "I understand what you're saying" (in other words, I understand you're crazy and trying to warp things to fit whatever reality you're trying to create). Don't challenge it with logic. That's a waste of breath. Just listen or agree...
Expect a double standard, expect blame, expect her to try and make you angry. It's all very normal. You have to detach and let it go. Even see the humor in her manipulation. Let it be on her back.
And when she blows up, just be calm and even apologetic about any errors or "misunderstandings." I did that a lot and it was amazing how once I did that regularly my H slowly started calming down... over time... It's like someone puffing up for a fight and the other person just refusing to go there. After awhile she will start realizing she is overreacting. She may not admit it, and it may take time in her crazy state of mind, but chances are she'll eventually get there.
I think overall you are doing very well. Enjoy your kids and start enjoying your time. ..... and expect huge ups and low, low downs on this rollercoaster ride.
As far as contacting OP or OP's spouse, most people try to avoid that. I personally am one of the few who can't hold it in and have to confront. That's just my nature. If you do decide to go that way it's important to do it unemotionally, informationally and you have to be willing to accept whatever wrath or backlash may come your way. If OM and his W are separated something like this may doom their chances for reconciliation.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
