Good point Yoyo!!!! Being extra nice even when they are mean can be very friendship-building... and even a little fun! It's like trying to get a cranky person to let go of the chip on their shoulder. When my husband and I were in divorce I'd still do nice things all the time. But the main thing about doing these nice things is to not have expectations and present them in a way so the spouse doesn't feel like you are expecting something from them. That way the nice things don't backfire and make it look like you are wanting more than they are willing to give... while they are far from ready for that.
For example, I love to bake!!! (Yes, there are thin woman who love to bake!!!), and I used to make cookies and things. During the divorce I'd put extra homemade cookies, muffins or whatever in baggies and either give them to my husband when he dropped off the kids or leave it with his mail. I'd always explain or leave a note saying how I happened to bake a bunch of cookies, we couldn't possibly eat them all and I thought he might enjoy a few. I'd rather share them then throw the extras away. Even though it took time, I think it was little tokens of good will like this that helped him see me in a more positive light.
In the beginning he wouldn't except them or would just leave them at the house. Eventually, once time had passed and some of the really intense anger had diminished (and he didn't feel threated or like I was "trying to get back together with him") he would accept them. He didn't thank me, but at least he took them. Then eventually, as more time passed, he finally got to a point where he would thank me. I learned to not expect that. So when he did I would be very grateful and tell him I was really pleased he liked whatever I had left or given him....
So... in your case, if you were to drop off some over the counter medicine or whatever... you could say, "Hey I just happened to pick up two bottles of this the other day for the kids," (Even if you just bought it an hour ago!), "I don't think they'll need the second bottle right away so if you could use it please go ahead and take it.... if not that's okay too...."
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
What a turn of events!!! I understand what you mean about being torn about her cancelling her weekend. But its happened, and now you can take this chance to be her friend.
Question, why did she cancel it on a Monday, when its not til this coming weekend (maybe I have the dates wrong?). If it were me, I would assume I would feel better by the weekend. Hmmmm....
Woah, Root, that's spooky! Right about the time you posted your message about dropping off baked goods, cookies, (around 6:30 PM EST) I just happened to be dropping off some brownies at the house (on my way to tonight's DivorceCare session). I baked up a bunch of brownies yesterday for the boys, and I really can't eat them all myself (even though they're the low-fat variety.) My 2 S's loved them so much I decided I would drop off most of them tonight at our house. (I had packed a couple with S6's lunch this morning too.) I also used this brief visit as an opportunity to say goodnight to my S's in person.
And W thanked me for the nice gesture (she has a serious sweet tooth.)
Weird. I guess great minds...
The cold medicine is a great idea, however, as a registered nurse with anal retentive tendencies, my W is almost always stocked up on medicinal needs.
Sorry, Lwb. I guess what I wrote wasn't very clear. The weekend in reference was this one just past.
My W worked this past weekend -- all day on Saturday, but she had just a couple of patients scheduled for the early morning hours on Sunday (yesterday). Her original plan was to proceed directly from her last patient Sunday morning to the beach-front resort community where the "Nursing seminar" was (supposedly) to be held. She and the OM would have had most of Sunday afternoon for fun in the sun followed by a romantic evening together. The seminar was supposed to have been this morning, Monday, (assuming that was not a complete lie) and I'm sure she would have driven back late this evening after spending as much time with OM as possible. Their plans changed when she apparently came down with a head cold.
W had asked me to clear my schedule to be able to keep my S's an extra evening, and then be able to drop them off this morning for the bus (for S6) and with my MIL (for S2). This also meant that my appointment with my IC (who had been our would-be MC) Sunday evening had to also be postponed. I had agreed initially because I enjoy getting as much time with my S's as possible. I then discovered that W was not going alone.
It is so hard to be able to think rationally when all of this drama is happening in our lives.
I too have been "used" over the last 11 months, bending over backwards to co-parent and not having a social life due to dropping everything for W's lifestyle. I would always rush to get home for W to go do her kickboxing and rockclimbing, then cancel plans due to her working late (movies with OM) and having to look after DD etc etc.
I love spending my time with DD, but I am not going to be at her beck and call anymore. She will have to realise that if she want's to live her lifestyle and "date" OM then she will have to manage as if she were a single parent (when she has custody anyway).
NCB, I know it may not seem like it, but it will get easier for you with time, believe me.
Ok, NCB, that makes more sense. I probably read it wrong, I am sure you worded it just fine.
Either way, she didn't go. How is her mood today? I just wonder what's going through her mind about missing the day with OM (barf). How will she reschedule this without being suspicious? Our OP find a way, I am sure.
I really want to get as much time with my son's as I can possibly get.
(In fact, if this M does end in D, I intend to seek not only joint legal custody, but joint physical custody as well. I know it's a long shot, but I think it's worth it.)
I can't control my W's actions, and if she abuses my willingness to take the S's off her (and the MIL's) hands whenever I am able, so be it. I don't like the fact that this is harmful to our R, since W will have less respect for me, but I think the benefit to my R with my S's outweighs that. I just have to tough it out, because it still really hurts to see what she's doing -- not just to me and our M but to my S's and our family.
yes, NBC, kids come first. This is exactly why I haven't formally kicked H out. My girls have the right to have access to both of us when they want, not when we decide. This will be the way it is in our house unless something really bad happens. You just have to continue soaking up your sons and bonding with them. We, as adults, will get through this, but our kids? They need us the most at this time.
I really don't know what W's mood really has been since her weekend (or should I say "overnight" trip?) fell through, but I just saw her this morning in a parent-teacher meeting (S6's annual IEP assessment). She was still sniffling from her cold, and since we were focused on the information regarding S6, I didn't gather anything from her outside of that. We arrived at S's school separately, and left separately. But W called me from her cell phone as each of us were driving away. It started out talking about S6's behavioral problems, but quickly devolved in blaming them on me.
For a long time now, S6 has had a problem with most adults and figures of authority in paying attention to them and following directions. Part of this is due to his AS and his sensory integration problems. He has also not given due respect to some adults and that too has been an issue in school. And these are areas that we as the parents and the teachers are having to work on with S6.
W called me on the cellphone still sniffling -- I'm not sure if it was entirely due to her cold, or whether she was upset. I think it was a little of both. She said that in hearing the teachers describe S6's habitual ignoring of adults and other people he needs to listen to, she realized that these were traits and habits S6 picked up from me. Because I would ignore W and not listen to what she said, S6 learned these bad behaviors from me. He learned by my example. She said she might could stand physical or verbal abuse, but not being ignored like I did to her.
This led into yet another R talk. I tried several times to steer us back onto the subject about our S, but W still wants to find every fault in our M and our R and make that the cause for every ill in our lives.
I tried to just agree with her where I could, and acknowledge her elsewhere. But there were a few things I responded with that were not helpful at all.
I told W that, yes, when I was deep in depression I ignored everybody and withdrew from life, and I am sorry if S6 learned to ignore people from how I mismanaged my problems. But I also said that the disrespect that S6 displays to adults was learned behavior from observing W's lack of respect for me.
W's response was, "How can I respect someone who won't listen to me?" I responded, "How can I listen to someone who won't respect me?"
W is still upset with me for opening up to my S's this weekend and giving S6 the impression that his mother is a lier. I merely said that W was not going to tell S6 the whole truth about what she was up to and was planning. I did not call W a lier, but that's the impression either he got from me, or she got from S6. I apologized for that. I always tell my S's that their mother loves them very much, and so does their father, even though we both make mistakes.
W made it clear she does not want me to breath a word to our S's anymore about our R. Basically, if I can't handle it, then to just say nothing at all and tell them to talk to her instead if they have questions. W told me that this is her business, not mine. I told her that anything that affects our family is most certainly my business and that of our S's. She said that I don't know what I'm talking about, and that her seeing the OM is not an A; they have a close friendship. OM is kind and gentle, and I am just mean and jealous.
I asked her what would she expect me to be? How would she react if I were the one seeing another person? She said she would cut me loose and not have anything to do with me if that were so. But then she didn't realize that I was even capable of becoming jealous of her until I did so. I told her up until then I was lost in the fog of depression.
W still insists that my depression was a cop-out. She tried to help me seek medication and to seek help for the sleep problems, but still I wouldn't stop being depressed. She then "gave up". I told her all we did was to address the symptoms of my depression , not the cause thereof. I needed therapy and counseling. We needed therapy and counseling -- and I apologized for not following up on her suggestion for that last Spring, but I was too depressed to get help for myself.
Again, W said that the depression was no excuse for the neglect and poor treatment. I told her that for someone who tried to lecture me on her knowledge of psychology, she demonstrates very little understanding of what depression is and its effects. Her dismissal of my depression is a cop-out.
We got refocused on S6's issues and began to discuss some actions we could take to help him out in his behavior and learning plans. Once we came to some agreements on the best approach for handling S6 and especially on our attitudes for dealing with our S's, we were a little less tense with each other, or so I felt. So I then asked W if we could maintain this "truce", as I put it, for the sake of ourselves and our S's. She agreed so long as I cease discussing our "adult matters" with our S's. I said okay, if she could observe some boundaries herself, especially with regards to OM and my S's. Again she denied doing anything wrong -- or to be more precise, doing anything she thought was harmful to our S's.
I let it go. I again had to realize that she's just too far gone to see anything with any degree of objectivity. At least it was somewhat more friendly towards the end than how it started.
I need to go dark, and stay dark now. It's just so darn hard when there are children involved!
