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#1188626 - 09/05/07 03:16 PM King of Pain
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
<Warning: This is a very long introduction to my situation.>

I had the bomb dropped on me in June by my W of now 16 years. We have two young children: S6 and S2. I can't begin to adequately describe the living hell I've been through in the last three months, but those of you who've been through this know all too well.

My W is a classic WAW suffering a MLC. And my withdrawal from life is what triggered it. There are a lot of things that have contributed to the difficulties we've had in our marriage:

(1) Off and on for the last five years I have been suffering bouts of depression. Almost entirely due to my high-stress dead-end, high tech job that I hate but have been clinging to since after 9-11. The pay is pitiful, the benefits very good, but the work environment is a real sweat-shop. Long hours, 24 by 7, overbearing and demanding management structure -- and an increasing lack of sympathy from my spouse. W's attitude is that I should be happy with any job I have, just so long as I can provide for my family. And I am grateful to have work, I just realize the cost in time and attention away from my family has been too heavy and we've suffered greatly. The problem is that I am by nature a workaholic, and my employer regularly abuses that. The cost to my family and my marriage and my soul has been far too great.

All of the following points have been significant contributing factors to my depression.

(2) My W claims to be very content with her career as a nurse, and she just cannot understand why I too cannot be happy. She has not been too sympathetic to my plight and the depression that has resulted. This leads into the second contributing factor In the dynamics between us: being a nurse, she is an excessive control freak. Actually, I believe it is this mania to control others' lives and behaviors that has led her into nursing in the first place.

(3) We tried to work a split-shift as parents, with me working weekdays, her working weekends, so we could avoid daycare costs and maximize the time our children would have with their parents. We had been warned about the shift-change parental schedule -- two ships passing in the night -- but we thought we could handle it (admittedly that proved foolhardy. We have never had enough quality time with each other since we started this schedule and that hurt our relationship more than we realized.

(4) We have had struggles with finances. Ever since I took this current position with this demanding employer, my salary has been 20K shy of what we had budgeted prior to my lay off (following 9-11 and the dot-Com bust). With W only working weekends, her contribution has been significantly reduced as well. It certainly hasn't helped that we've encountered some financial setbacks, expenses that we had not planned upon, as well as our own unwise spending habits (mine especially) not getting under control.

(5) In 2003, S6 was diagnosed with Sensory-Integration Dysfunction (SID) and Asperger's Syndrome (AS). We have been facing a difficult struggle in helping S6 cope with his psychological/physiological conditions.

(6) We have had disagreements on the raising of our sons. We had long ago decided we were going to homeschool our children, as the best solution to ensure that our sons would have a quality education and upbringing. But suddenly, about the time S6 was diagnosed with AS, W decided we were no longer going to homeschool and that we were going to put our S's in Public School, saying it would be ''good enough''. With the increasing demands of my job meaning I could contribute less to the daily education time for our kids, I did not have much of an argument. But I have been sorely disappointed since half the reason we wanted to work our split-shift schedule as parents in the first place was to help facilitate homeschooling.

(7) Our sex life and intimacy has increasingly suffered because of all these factors. After the birth of S2, we had been prohibited from LM, first for her recovery, then for the necessity of birth control until I could get a vasectomy. Then we had increasing friction because of the (long denied but very evident) pain W felt during intercourse due to excessive tears and damage to her v following the births of S6 and then S2. Finally, as my depression worsened, she began to complain about my lack of attentiveness in bed, which always had to be by her schedule (she's a bad control freak, remember.) When I had the time and initiated, she was not ready. When she was ready, I was not. Her biggest pet peeve is that she absolutely hates initiating, and in her mind she felt I was always leaving that to her. This went on for months and months until this year when our love life became pretty abysmal. It has been so subtle and gradual that only now can I see what happened to us. So, yes, we're talking about a classic sex-starved marriage.

(8) At the insistence of W, I saw our doctor about antidepressants. I started on Prozac, first a light dose, then a slightly heavier one. In retrospect, I should have also sought out counseling for the depression and not just medication, but I didn't know any better. And then our LM began to suffer even more. I now suspect the antidepressants because eventually even on those rare occasions when we had the time, I felt less enthused or just couldn't fight the inertia to actually begin. And I love LM with my W, so you'd think I'd have gotten a clue. But I was in a real depressive fog.

(9) I have sleep problems which exacerbate and complicate all these other problems. I am being treated for Sleep Apnea and sleep depravation -- and I still never full truly rested no matter how much sleep time I actually get.

(10) W began to show less and less respect for me, and I began to withdraw more and more under the verbal and psychological bludgeoning. It stemmed primarily from her sexual dissatisfaction, but manifested Itself In constant criticism of everything I did or did not do. My depression increased more and more with the lack of appreciation and consideration and I withdrew more and more from life. She began to make demands of my time and to set up tests of my love for her, to see whether I would take the time to carry out her requests. And even when I was successful in one thing, she found fault with me elsewhere in something else. So when as a result I began to withdraw even further, our intimacy was even more in jeopardy.

(11) About a year ago, my W got this idea in her head to bring the MIL into our home to be our built-in daycare -- so W could work more during the week, and ease our financial situation. She claims it was her M's idea, not hers, but either way she agreed to it without consulting with me first. The MIL, to put it briefly, is not the grandmotherly type by any stretch of the imagination. She abandoned her first H and my W and her S to go after H #2. She abandoned H#2 to pursue H#3. And she has pretty much ignored all of her grandchildren (GC), including when she lived but a couple minutes away from my SIL and her 3 children. Furthermore, having failed in three prior marriages, she is all too accepting of divorce as a ''solution'' to marital problems. She displays a disdain for the sanctity of marriage, for all things male, and an unrepentant arrogance in trying to justify the mistakes she's made in her life and the damage it has done to those around her. I had taken pity on her in the past (and still do to a degree), but I did not (and still do not) want her raising my sons. In retrospect, allowing my W to bring MIL into my home was the stupidest thing I have ever done in this 16-year marriage.

---

My M began to unravel some time in February of this year, when my W finally scheduled her long needed surgery to have her v repaired, after two years of suffering the difficulties it had presented to her and to our LM. The big problem for me was that since October of the previous year, I had been working nonstop on project after project. I was absolutely exhausted and February was definitely not a good time for me. Furthermore she announced she was going to go ahead and have the big H done as well (since ovarian cancer tends to run in her family). So we planned for me to schedule a week of vacation time to be there before, during and after my W's surgery, to help take care of her. Despite some reservations in my mind about the timing of this operation, I was truly glad to be there for her, and loved her enough to sacrifice a bit more to do so, but at the same time I was so emotionally drained and exhausted -- the depression was setting in very thick. We had just lost a key person in our department in January, crippling us, and adding further strain on our already tapped out team. My W tried to reassure me that with her M there, I wouldn't have to worry so much about the kids (Ha!).

Then the week before my W's surgery, another person in our group decided to leave; suddenly everything started to come unglued. I tried desperately to help out my colleagues at the office while attempting to take care of my W, during my so-called ''vacation''.

Her surgery went well from what the doctors and staff told me. And they tried to warn me about some of the mood and hormonal changes that might ensue following the H. I only found out later why the operation had taken an hour longer than usual. I was not made aware that the ''slight excessive bleeding'' they had been working to mend was far more serious. I was led to believe that it was only minor and that all had gone well, and so I was visibly relieved for my W when i finally saw her. I guess I came off as too cheerful or unconcerned, because when my wife got wind later of how many units of blood they had to use on her, it really scared her (she never told me this until after the bomb, so I was oblivious.) And then for me to seem so flippant (partly for the sake of the kids and partly out of ignorance of how serious it was) my wife began to doubt I even cared, assuming I knew what had happened. If she had not told me in June I would likely never have known.

So she harbored this going into her days of recovery in our home. That week of time became more of a nightmare for me than W will ever recognize. I knew she was in pain and suffering during the healing process, and I was doing everything in my power to take care of the kids and the house, all the while exhausted and drained -- as well as seeing to her needs as best I could. And then in the evenings, after everyone was in bed, and until the early AM hours, I had to work on projects for my office to keep the ship afloat. To top that off there were several knock-down-dragouts between W and MIL that called for me to try to step in and help calm things down before they got out of hand. I had never in my life seen W like this before, she was on the most irrational emotional rollercoaster I could ever imagine. Several times I found myself trying to keep a lid on some raging argument between MIL and my W over long ago deep-seated resentments now bubbling up, arguments waged very late into the evening. I felt compelled to help arbitrate and sooth the frayed nerves of these two so they could settle down and ultimately send them off to their respective beds so I could get some relative peace and quiet and then continue working even later into the night to keep up with the demands of work.

What I didn't realize at the time, since I attributed all these pent up emotions being spewed forth from my W to the hormonal adjustments that I had been warned she would undergo following the H, was that the arguments with her M were just surrogate emotions for the disappointment she was feeling for me, her H. In her mind, I was not performing a very good job in supporting her, either in the postoperative care she needed, nor in the TLC she thought she wasn't getting, nor in taking her side against her M. I was trying to stay neutral and out of these arguments, but my W didn't see it that way. Hindsight is 20-20, but I couldn't see the monumental trial I was being put through -- at the same time I was at my absolute worst ever by this time -- sleep-deprived, totally exhausted, emotionally and spiritually drained.

The breaking point for my wife came one evening during the week of her recovery. It had already been a very long day, tending to the S's, to the household, to the spats between W and MIL, and a crisis at work (again) had to be tended until late that night. I don't really recall all of the details, as I must have tried to block it out of my mind, but my wife recounted her point of view on that night to me later (after the bomb). All I recall is her coming downstairs after she was supposed to be off to sleep, and while I am trying to concentrate on a time-critical matter for work (using my laptop connected remotely) she begins to complain and make obtuse demands of me. If I had half the brains and clear-headedness I do now, I would have realized she was actually crying out for help. But I was so spiritually empty and depressed and so very tired, all I could hear were the angry upset words and the crying of someone who was emotionally unstable. All I could see was someone trying to push my buttons to get me to respond to her at a particular time I just had no more left to give -- my batteries were depleted. She just wanted her husband to comfort her in her time of greatest need, and I was too far drained to really help. If I had simply gotten up out of my addle-brained stupor and went over to her and held her for just five seconds, I would likely not be writing these words to you right now. Instead, the lesser side of me got angry (the only emotion that takes no real energy) and dug in, refusing to budge another inch -- I couldn't find that last erg of energy to be the better person, and a proper husband. She claims I coldly told her she needed psychological help. All I remember is she went back up to bed sobbing.

She tells me that marked the end for her. She made up her mind in the heat of that very moment that it was all over for her and that I, in her mind, did not really love her.

The intervening months since that event proved a steady decline in our relationship. I became more and more depressed, and she became more and colder towards me. She tried a few half-hearted attempts occasionally to try to get me to snap out of these black moods, but all her actions did were to make me even more depressed. She complained less and less however, and for some odd reason she began to get along better with MIL. (I had assumed maybe W had finally adjusted to the hormonal changes following the surgery.)

I should have seen the telltale signs of her MLC. She was spending an inordinate amount of time online late at night, mostly researching old schoolmates for her class reunion (held this August). Just the amount of time she spent alone late at night on the computer should have told me how far afield she was drifting, but I have always (until now) given her the benefit of any doubt.

I took a management position in the company in March in hopes of aiding our finances more. It has meant I work the roles of four people, but I was already doing that unofficially anyway, so why not get paid for it, right? W welcomed the extra pay, but was fairly cold about the further impact on our family. It almost seemed like she really didn't care one way or the other anymore (and she didn't by this time.)

And we still were having a difficult sex life. I was definitely in trouble here; I was so depressed and sleep-deprived I rarely could make the effort. To compound the problem she began nagging me (once she was cleared by her doctor for intercourse) saying she needed me to help her maintain her ''muscle tone'' (if you know what I mean.) The coldness and complaints only further eroded my libido. W hates being the one to initiate, so if I don't, it won't happen. W was definitely sex-starved (so was I, but I just couldn't recognize it.)

Fast forward to June of this year. I wasn't happy and I knew the wife hadn't really been happy either, but I was foolishly attributing the stand off to just a temporary rough spot in the marriage. The back part of my mind that a vacation at the end of June, first week of July, during our anniversary would be the opportune time to refocus on ourselves and our marriage. And this was even despite an increasingly persistent depression making my mood darker and darker. Our LL was so sad, and I was feeling ever more lonely, and I just couldn't see it. The thought of our upcoming anniversary had been a little glimmer of light in this long, dark tunnel.

On Thursday, June 14, the night before my W was to take the kids to see family in a small town a couple hours east of here (a small reunion on her M's side of the family), I was In a depressive state again. I couldn't go with them because of work and she said I could meet them there on Saturday, but she said I probably didn't really need to go. She then had this very odd conversation with me. She began to say that she had come to realize that I was not happy anymore and there was nothing she could do to ''fix'' me. She felt that maybe I would be happier if she took the kids and moved out -- then I could start my own business or some other career and be happy. This alarmed me more than anything in my life, and made me angry and upset. I told her that I had become too dependent on relying on what I do for a living to define who I am as a person. It was the lack of appreciation for all the effort I put into making a home and a life for them that depressed me the most. I told her the whole reason I work so hard and to have a career was to support my family, and without her and the kids none of that meant anything to me. She ignored me and persisted in saying that I was too often angry with her, the kids and even the whole world. And obviously I wasn't happy with my family. I got more upset and told her she was wrong and that I would try to work on this, that we could work on this together. I thought we left it at that, an agreement that we would abandon such notions and work on our marriage and family together. In reality, I realize now she was just placating me to buy herself some more time.

The sleeper was about to waken.

The next night, while the W was out of town with the S's, I came across an odd email from W's coworker. It was there right on the screen where she left it before heading out of town that morning while I was at work. I read it and a coldness began to creep up my spine. A wheel clicked in my addled mind, and I recalled the odd conversation from the night before. I then looked up another message from the same sender, and sure enough, it contained even more disturbing information. Before long I had spent most of the evening using every forensic technique I knew to retrieve as much current and deleted data from her email as could be garnered. By then I had a pretty ugly picture of what was going on, and my world has never been the same since. She was seeing someone else, a coworker.

I called her on the phone late that night, sobbing, and started by saying I thought we agreed to work on this together. ''No!'' she told me. This is where she delivered the ILYBNILWY line we've all come to despise. She told me that she was leaving, taking the kids and her M to live in an apartment. We were going to separate, filing a legal separation, and then in a year, after satisfying the legal requirements of this state she was going to divorce me.

Thus ensued probably the least shining moment of my entire life, especially in her eyes. Into the wee hours of Friday night and Saturday morning, the cellphone calls between us continued in heated argument. I said a lot of foolish things that only further antagonized her and further solidified her resolve, if it wasn't already, into leaving me. I told her she was not going to take our S's out of their home, the only one they have ever known in all their short lives. I told her if she leaves, she was not taking them with her. I told her I was not going to give her a divorce (to which she snorted in contempt). I begged, I pleaded, I tried to rationalize with her. I got angry, I got sad. Of course, this was all well before I knew about DB and DR.

I prayed to God that night to help me through this nightmare. I know I have screwed up badly -- I had hurt my wife and family by not seeking serious help for my depression. I swore a vow to Him that never again would I allow myself to neglect my wife and family or allow my depression to rule over my life. I would do what it would take to see that through and to turn over a new leaf.

Later on Saturday, I called my mother to break the news to her. I had no one else to talk to, as all my family lived in other states. Of course I neglected to tell my mother to keep the lid on what I told her because she then promptly called my brother's W and then my brother's W called my W's sister and then it got back to the W -- and the ''s'' hit the fan at that point. W called me and began berating me for opening up to my mom and telling the world.

My SIL (B's W) later reported to me that when she called my W, whom she considered to be a good friend, to inquire what I might have done to cause her to want to leave me, SIL distinctly heard someone in the background shout to my W (W's Aunt or her MIL, no doubt) that W didn't ''have to talk to her anymore'', because ''she is no longer family!'' (referring to my brother's W)

They (W, MIL and 2 S) came back very late Saturday evening, and we had to carry each of our S up to bed. I then apologized for scaring her about me taking the kids away. I said I was going to change and would be a good and proper father, husband and person. I told her I had vowed this to God. She then and now keeps using the same refrain over and over, ''It's too little too late!'' She also will get angry very easily and say she has tried over and over to get through to me in the past, so ''Why NOW?!!'' and again followed by ''It's too late!''

She also keeps telling me that nothing I say to her will ever change her mind. Only my actions will say anything to her about whether I can still be a father to our S, but the marriage is over for her.

The next day was Father's Day. I got a wonderful card from each of my S's, but the W was plainly not going to give one to me from herself. Obviously I had forfeited my fatherhood in her eyes. We went to church together and she was so distant and cold, the wife I knew was obviously possessed by the ''aliens''. In Church I wept and prayed again to God to change me and help make me a better person.

Afterwards that day she told me more of how she came to her decision, and that, yes, she and her co-worker had been talking to each other. This OM, who W has known for nearly 10 years, was at the same time having his own marital difficulties. And when they recently began to console each other over their griefs they discovered they did indeed have ''a possible future together''. I am inclined to believe her, given her (otherwise) Christian morals, that it had so far only been an EA, but that alone is bad enough in my book. There has since been no other admission of her guilt. She continues to think she has not yet done anything wrong or sinful (although their emails belie the fact that they have indeed passionately touched. I haven't brought this information before her yet, BTW.) And she claims that he and she are still just the ''closest of friends'' (I am supposed to be her closest friend! Grrrrr.) She said that she and he had decided that if either of them could work on and save their own marriages, that they should do so.

But despite that, W told me that she could no longer trust me to make her happy anymore. That a husband should want to ML to his wife at any time no matter what, and that there must be something wrong with me. I cried and told her I loved her dearly but was severely depressed and that was the root cause for all these ills. I haven't been happy in my job, and pursuing this rat-race; that our house in this affluent neighborhood was proving far more expensive than it's benefit, that I wanted to take our S's out of this environment and give then a simpler, more wholesome life, where we could be a real family with more modest expectations, and practice Christian values. She told me she had already asked me about moving out to the country, but I had callously shot that down because of my ''career'' (I don't quite recall that particular conversation, to be honest.)

I told her I wanted to find a MC to help us through this; and I would seek therapy for my depression. Again, she kept saying it was too late, like it was some mantra.

I asked her about our upcoming anniversary and the vacation to see our family we had planned for that time. She said that she had originally planned to proceed with the long overdue vacation (to see her sister and my M) and that when we returned from this out-of-state trip she and her M had planned to quietly pack up their things, take the kids and move into an apartment together --with no forewarning given to me; I would have just come home that day from work to discover the house was empty. She never expected that I would have ever contest or protest her leaving, nor of her taking the kids with her -- she thought I wouldn't really care and just ignore them, or something along those lines. When I didn't just simply roll over as expected that surprised and confused her. I see how this has also been a constant source of anger for her. Her hateful reaction to my awakening is extremely shocking coming from her. Given that I have now awakened, she claimed she might be willing to go to counseling with me, but she seriously doubted it would change anything for her.

I am continually, to this day, since the bomb, shocked at the change in my wife's demeanor. It is chilling how angry she gets now. She must have been bottling up this anger all these months and now that she doesn't have to pretend anymore and doesn't have to try to convince me everything is normal, she can let loose with as much venom as she feels like. Part of her anger has been that it took her trying to leave me to wake me up, and none of her purported other efforts (I really do not recall much from her in that regard, except for a lot of more-of-the-same complaining) before she made her ''final decision'', had any such success.

I gave W an analogy, one that a nurse like her might understand. This experience has been like I had been a patient in a severe coma on life support all this time. And she had decided the best thing for her and the family was for her to pull my feeding tube. Only I did not die as she had expected; instead I not only lived but I actually started to come to and began to recover. And now that I am conscious again -- the sleeper has awoken -- my W, instead of being overjoyed that her H has returned to the land of the living, has become angry and resentful. She had declared me a ''no-code'', and she had wanted to keep it that way. But I was just not behaving according to her plans.

Her coldness and hostile hatred is so palpable, I just don't recognize this person she has suddenly become. How can a woman who so professes to love God, and to follow in the light of Jesus Christ as our savior, be so forgiving and tolerant of everyone else, including perfect strangers and even her reckless mother (who had abandoned her and her sister at such a tender age in W's life), suddenly have so much intolerant, unforgiveness and hatred of her own H?


In subsequent days I got a referral for a Christian MC from a friend and scheduled an appointment for July 8. I told my wife his fees and thought they were extremely reasonable ($25 for each of the first five, $65 per hour thereafter) since they were being subsidized by the Christian church to which he was affiliated, but W suddenly began to balk at the rates as being too expensive! I thought not only was she nuts, but here was the first real indication to me that she was not being sincere in trying to work this out.

Now that the cat was out of the bag, W did not pull any punches with me. She turned the coldest and nastiest I have ever seen. It is like she is trying to convince me to give up this battle I am only now consciously engaging in. Part of it was being under the same roof with me -- and being in the same bed with me was too much for her. I never realized quite how overly large a King-sized bed can be when one of you is sleeping as close to the edge as possible. She refused my touch or my closeness. She began drafting up Separation Agreements (SA) using online legal sites, and every draft was heavily slanted in favor of her getting the divorce and no chance for allowing reconciliation. I have refused to sign.

Eventually she announced she and her M were carrying out their plans to move out. At first she claimed it was to save me from the ugly behavior of the MIL, then it was for the primary purpose of giving her space away from me. I protested, but she was adamant. I told her I couldn't believe she would do this to S6 and S2, to take them out of their own home just because W had problems with me. She said we both needed time apart from each other and this was the only way. I would still get the boys on the weekend. I could stay in the house, refinance it to be able to pay off our debts, and then after a year we could sell the house and split the assets. I told her if the finances were what were bugging her then trying to maintain two separate households was only going to add further burden to that. She said the peace of mind for her was worth it. Her mind was made up, the lease was signed -- they were leaving July 10.

I asked her again about the trip to see the extended family, and she said we could still go, although that might have meant taking separate vehicles. I rolled my eyes at the expense and she relented, we'd drive there together but stay separately.

So in the end the original plan for her and her M to take the S's and move out after the trip was still in play -- nothing had really changed except I was now conscious of it before hand. I was again in shock, the roller-coaster was still speeding along at full force. I was so upset that she was so horribly angry and hateful of me that she would actually harm our two S by taking them out of their home. I kept (keep) saying to myself how utterly wrong that was (is), how selfish and unfair to them. They don't deserve this at all.

The week before the trip I was saying to myself, ''She can't do this! This is wrong! I can't let her take S6 and S2 out of their home!'' I then thought maybe I should be the one to leave, to give W her space if she was so dead set on it, and save our S from being uprooted. My only reservation, aside from a possible legal weakening of my claim to joint property, was how it might look to my S's, for their F to be the one to leave. I didn't know how they might take it and assume it was by my own choice that I leave, which it most certainly was not.

I later talked to my brother (a good father with three wonderful children of his own), and he also said to me what had been going through my mind already, ''Don't (let her) take those kids out of their home!''

Resolved, I then went to my wife and told her to cancel her lease, and I would be the one to move out. At first she thought I was playing some dirty trick to get her to back out of her signed lease and lose her deposits, that I would really not make good on my offer to leave. I replied, ''To what end? If I did that you wouldn't trust me anymore after that and it would undermine any hopes I had for reconciliation. So what would it really gain me since you are so insistent on separating anyway?''

At first she seemed shocked that I would do something so selfless. But after I continued to explained to her it would actually be more sound financially since I would not need as large an apartment for just myself (and the two S on the weekends), and the expense would be considerably less, she became convinced. Potentially the difference in one month's rent alone between a 1-2 bedroom apartment and a 3 bedroom apartment would offset the deposits and fees W stood to loose in canceling the lease right before it started. Primarily, I told her, if the separation had to be, this way was best for our S's.

So very reluctantly, I continued with preparations to move myself out following our family trip at the end of the month of June (i.e., the first week in July). But even though this was against my wishes, I realized that for the first time since the bomb was dropped I had gained back a little measure of control of my destiny (or maybe it was just the illusion of control, I don't know.)

We then went on the trip out-of-state together with our kids. I stayed with my B and his W and their family in my mother's home, while my W stayed with her sister and her family some 42 miles away, and S6 and S2 took turns bouncing between families each night and day -- with occasional meals and get-togethers between both sides of the family. One thing that everyone on both sides of the family kept noticing was how much time W stayed on her cellphone, nearly all the entire time. She would claim she had to keep in touch with her office, but I knew better and chose to ignore it -- I wanted to do nothing that would scare her from going to our first MC session the Sunday following our return from this trip.

On Tuesday, July 3, we went to dinner (lunch) together, just the two of us -- this was our 16th wedding anniversary. Days earlier when I had invited her out to celebrate this anniversary, she got angry and said there was nothing left to celebrate, our M was over. I told her that this date also marked the start of our family together, and that included our two S. I told her that we could go just to the same restaurant we went to following our wedding ceremony those many years ago. She loves good food, so she said she couldn't pass that up and accepted. The meal and the conversation was bittersweet, I won't go into it now, but suffice it to say she rationalizes every little thing that I say or do, or that happens while she and I are together, as some sign that her decision to leave me is meant to be. I gave her an anniversary card with a lot of my added sentiments expressed inside. And she said she was sorry but she was not going to give me anything in return, and that the words I wrote within the card were, again, ''Too Late'' and ''Why Now?''

Afterwards without giving her any advance warning of what I had planned I drove us by the church grounds where we had been married (the church's outdoor amphitheater) and parked. Before the bomb, I had entertained the idea of renewing our vows here with the help of the pastor who had originally married us years ago, but that plan was now beyond any possibility given our current state. We sat in the car and talked another hour or so. Nothing really seemed to change -- she is right, nothing I say to her is ever going to change her mind or her heart. I then drove her back so she could go on that afternoon and spend time with an old girlfriend. I had hoped she would have dedicated the remainder of our anniversary day to spend with me, but she wasn't about to ever do that.

We actually got back from the family vacation the preceding Thursday, July 5, and the next day W prodded me to move into the apartment. At first it was going to be a transitional period to ease any hard feelings our S might have had, but before I knew it she made this arrangement final -- the W wanted me out ASAP. Again I was being compliant while curious to see if W would make good on her promise to attend MC.

That first MC session was a very mixed bag. We discussed quite a lot of important issues and had different things brought up, but in the end it really got nowhere -- this was just the beginning after all. On the ride back it became evident W saw things contrary to how I did in this discussion. She heard only those things that would support and justify her leaving me, while I heard otherwise. This was not good. Not having found DB or DR yet I asked what her objectives were for the MC. She told me she agreed to MC so we could learn to communicate better in raising our 2 S and to thus facilitate a ''peaceable divorce”.

Yes, I know -- I remember mouthing those words back in disbelief: ''Marriage counseling to help facilitate a peaceful divorce.'' What an insane oxymoron. Needless to say, I was very bewildered and disappointed. She asked me what my goals for MC were -- why, eventual reconciliation of course!

At that, she snickered and then foisted another draft of the SA on me, which I had already seen on our kitchen countertop earlier and I had taken that opportunity to spell out some additional terms on it in my handwriting -- including a clause stating that neither of us would date other people while still legally married to each other. She got nasty when she saw that, crossed out ''while still legally married to each other'' and put ''for one month''. She raised her voice and said, ''I'll give you one month! If after that time you haven't proven to me that this marriage isn't over, then all bets are off!'' I was p*ssed.

The last eight weeks have been more of this roller-coaster, with more twists and turns than I can keep up with. Fortunately I finally discovered DB and DR and Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. And I have tried to work on those very few things I can control, like myself. She has spent a great deal of her time in trying anything at all to stay angry. She will constantly try to find some fault or failing in me to justify a steady anger at me, for the least little thing, and all I can fathom is that she does this because otherwise she'd have to face her guilt. Anger is the opposite emotion from guilt, right?

I have been trying to GAL (and trying/failing to stay out of R talks with W). I re-began Tai Chi, and began learning Country Line Dancing (which I suck at). I joined a Christian Bible study group for the first time in nearly 13 years and began taking my sons without fail every Sunday to Church ( I almost never did so before unless W happened to be off from work that day and could join us.) I relish getting to take care of my 2 S on weekends but feel a deep loss on those days I don't have them under the same roof. I am determined to take my proper role as spiritual and moral head of my S's lives and will not delegate that to W anymore. I owe my S's to do no less.

I have lost an additional 25 pounds since this ordeal began, not entirely voluntarily. I am however working out regularly in the apartment's gym and am as lean and trim as I was when I graduated high school, although this is about ten pounds less than I would like. I got my six-pack back for the first time since I started my career, but I still plan to bulk up more. I swim regularly too and have gotten more sunshine than I can remember. All of this has done tremendous wonders to alleviate my depression. I had become pretty sedentary most of the time due to my work schedule, and now I am back in shape and feeling so much better. If only this WAW/MLC/ILBNILWY nightmare weren't happening, my PMA would be through the roof! Unfortunately, with this dire marital situation I know the depression is only just so far away. But if I can survive this, I can survive anything.

Late in July, W began to pry me more and more about getting some psychological screening for me for Asperger's Syndrome (AS) since my W is seeking some explanation for S6's condition. Her increasing persistence in attempting to have me diagnosed with AS, I believe, is so she can (1) absolve herself of all genetic contributions to S6's handicap and (2) so she can attribute my failures in this marriage to something that cannot be fixed, again absolving her of any responsibility to work on this M.

While I concede I have historically exhibited some of the social traits ascribed to people with AS, such as shyness and a tendency to quietness and introversion, there are degrees to these traits and there are other key traits I do not have. I have taken the online assessments and have always scored in the normal range. Nevertheless, I have tried to keep an open mind and have scheduled appointments to begin to explore this. Even if no actual diagnosis is delivered I feel the knowledge I gain will only help me to better serve as F for S6.

She also had stopped wearing her W ring out in public some time in July -- lately, the last two times she's managed to join me and the S to attend church, she hasn't been wearing the ring there either. At first she was publicly keeping up the pretense at least in the Lord's house, but no longer. I still wear my ring, however, because we are still married, legally and in the eyes of God, despite any petty rationalizations she comes up with.

W continued MC up to four sessions before she bailed saying suddenly she felt like the two of us now had the communication tools to be able to raise our S as divorced parents. (WTH?!!) This happened to be the very MC session right after she got through berating me for not scheduling it because she had said after the previous one that we were done. Does that sound confusing? It should; the W has been giving very mixed (down-right schizophrenic) signals as to whether she really wanted to continue beyond the 5th session or not.

In this sixth and (what has become our) last session together she tried to steer the conversation and asked leading questions of our MC to state that we were done with accomplishing her ''goals'' from her point of view (improved ''communication'' between two divorcing parents). I realize now all she really wanted to do was go through the mere motions of MC so she could claim before a divorce judge that she had tried ''everything possible'' to ''save'' our marriage. What a sham.

I scheduled the next C session (IC, obviously not a real MC session) for myself and went alone.

A couple of weeks ago I finally got the July cellphone bill, and I realize now why I was no longer seeing them. W had run up our bill in June and July alone to the tune of over 900 dollars -- almost all of it to the OM. After continually berating me for making purchases on our credit cards and hurting our finances, she has the audacity to continue to talk to me about irresponsibility.

The fact that July's bill was even higher than June's and the minutes even greater to OM, cinched the real gist of what was going on. She had lied about OM and my W trying to work on their respective M's separately -- it was all just another shameless ploy to string me along so she could continue to get what she wants out of me and out of this deteriorating situation. Our M ship is foundering on the rocks and she's helping to finish it off.

Then I got wind last week she had purchased another cellphone (with a new number) and put it on our ''family'' plan. I held this knowledge to myself until my latest C session (IC by the MC) and vented that and everything else to him. I told him I was trying to do everything right and necessary to try to save this marriage and she was doing everything she could to kill it. Curiously, one of the things MC suggested I do was to read the book of Hosea in the Bible. By some coincidence, I had read from that very testament only weeks earlier and knew pretty much what the story was about. I was a bit shocked, and told him I thought I already knew what he meant.

My W, the control freak, began to pry that very evening into what was said between me and the MC. I tried to be coy, discrete and elusive, but she really knows how to push my buttons. She usually says something like, ''See? There you go. That's the very lack of communication from you that destroyed our marriage!'' and then I open right up. I've been dragged into R conversations, to my never failing chagrin, by just those kinds of tactics. I was somewhat wise to this by now, but being in a spiteful mood I threw her a bone in telling her that MC advised me to read Hosea (okay, not the best of responses from me.) She asked me what that meant, but she stopped and said she'd look it up herself. I warned her she was ''not going to like it'' and left it at that.

The next night I was just about to enter my first DivorceCare meeting (for divorced and separated persons needing spiritual guidance) at a local church when W called. She was angry about the reference to Hosea's wife, Gomer, being a whore, saying ''So that's how you think of me?!'' I told her that she was the one who insisted in knowing what advice the MC had given to me (not her).

I later wrote her an email that night stating that I did not see her that way, as a whore; rather I have been trying to be respectful of her as the mother of my children. I also told her that I was not entirely sure what our MC actually thought on the matter. But I believe that there are all kinds of ''whoredom'' in this world, not just the kind that first comes to mind. Whenever we abandon, compromise or ignore our core spiritual values and convictions for some short term gain in this physical world, we make ourselves into ''whores''. I said that I myself have been guilty of ''prostituting'' myself for a job I hate, trying to console myself that it was for the benefit of my family.

I said to her if she was inferring anything more condemning in the MC's advise to me, she was doing that herself on her own -- I had said no such thing.

Since then there have been several verbal skirmishes with her, and I know that I have got to stop letting her drag me into them. I am so very tired and angry at this whole situation. Yes, I know she's just trying to wear me down. I can't stand what she's doing to our kids. When I see how my S2 just cries for his Daddy as I am dropping them off each week, and I am doing my level best to be cheerful and reassuring to both he and S6 that everything is just fine and they'll be all right with W and MIL, it tears me up inside. It's all I can do to keep a lid on the mounting anger and disappointment in my W for not only maintaining her denial of what is happening to our S's but actually trying to rationalize it.

I so much want to go dark or give the Ultimate-LRT, but how do you do that when you've got kids? It's so hard to not talk to the spouse when you have to talk about the children. How do you do it? It's maddening.

There are times I wish that I really did not love this woman, and that I could just leave her to her stupid selfishness and sinful mistakes. But for the sake of our two S, whom I still love so very dearly and want to make all this up to, I have to endure this hell on earth.

<sorry for the long post.>
-------------------------
NoCodeBlues.
Me: 44
WAW: 43
S6 and S2
Married: 16 years
Together: 17 years
MLC: 2/2007
EA (PA?): May/June 2007 to present
Bomb: 6/15/2007
Separation: 7/6/2007
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1188735 - 09/05/07 04:19 PM Re: King of Pain [Re: NoCodeBlues]
fightingirish Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/07
Posts: 2866
Loc: USA
Wow, I think that is longest post ive ever read ;\)

You've been through a lot obviously. If you've already started
dbing.. great, if not get the book it will help you. You definately need to gal.. it sounds like you are a little bit, but keep it up, it will help with your depression also.

Im sorry that you are your boys are going through this. When kids are involved, its so much worse. My boys are 1 1/2 and 4 1/2 so I know.

Its unfair that she is doing this, but you have also have admitted to having contributed to the problems.. it seems like she does not take any responsibility though, that is not good.

It takes two.. As far as the depression goes maybe you need to see a different dr. that will help you another way besides medication.

You should be proud of yourself the way you are handling everything with your kids. It is important that they stay in there home, just make sure you protect yourself (finacially that is).

You will get some great advice here, especially from Mark,theo and Husband, they are wise men and will help you get through this.

From a women's perspective, I don't think all is lost here. So keep up with the dbing and gal.. Don't beg her or plead with her, remain calm and keep her quessing..As far as the sex thing goes, I can't give any advice there, because my H doesn't think he gets it enough.. but I will say that they do take it personally.. but also she SHOULD be intiating also, not just you.

Blessings~

TAL
_________________________
me: 37
H: 44
Married for 18 years this june
S7
S3
porn issues, and much more... since 7/06

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

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#1188816 - 09/05/07 05:33 PM Re: King of Pain [Re: fightingirish]
runningoutoftime Offline
Member

Registered: 05/15/06
Posts: 2793
Loc: California
Blue,

Yikes! You have gone through a lot!!! {{{Hugs}}}
My suggestion to you is read, reread, and reread the DB, DR books, this website, etc....

It sounds like you are doing great things for yourself. Working out will help with the endorphins...keep up them 6-pack abs!!!! Yeeeeeeah!!! With the depression, all the 180s and focusing on you might be a really great thing. I know you want your family back, but it sounds like you have some personal things to attend to. Like taking better care of you, working on PMA (positive mental state), GALing (beyond work!!!), and finding little things that bring you happiness...

Regarding the ASD and you being screened... give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I understand techies tend to share some of those characteristics and perhaps 90% of you people are probably on the very VERY high end of the spectrum (and everyone else has a little of something... ADHD, OCD, etc... we ALL have a little of some type of thing or other... I'm sure I could look at your wife and come up with a few labels for her too). By the way, I have a son with HF autism too. Whenever I think of these labels I think of the movie Forrest Gump and how his mother refused to have him labeled.

One more thing... detachment. That's crucial at this point. Emotionally detach. There is good information on this website about that. You need to stop trying to talk your wife out of her decisions. You need to PMA and let go of "the leash." Let her do what she needs to do and agree with that. Hopefully you can go into separation for awhile prior to actually filing for divorce. I think you both need time...her to get over anger and you to work though depression.

Is there anyway you can get out of that cell phone situation and have the bill sent to her?
_________________________
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.

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#1189402 - 09/06/07 12:45 AM Re: King of Pain [Re: fightingirish]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Originally Posted By: tiredandlost
Wow, I think that is longest post ive ever read ;\)


Well, yes, it's been 2 1/2 months since the bomb, and a lot has happened -- I only scratched the surface (you should see the journal I've been keeping!)

Originally Posted By: tiredandlost
Im sorry that you are your boys are going through this. When kids are involved, its so much worse. My boys are 1 1/2 and 4 1/2 so I know.


My heart goes out to all these children of all the DB'ers here in these forums. There are a lot of very good people I have seen participating here, and I am learning a great deal from their testimonies and advice. I can't tell you how much encourgement that gives someone like me to know that I am not alone, but at the same time it breaks me up to think that all these kids have to be the truly innocent victims of our spouses' actions.

Originally Posted By: tiredandlost
Its unfair that she is doing this, but you have also have admitted to having contributed to the problems..

Absolutely. It started with me and my depression and my foolish disatisfaction with my lot in life, taking for granted the love of a good wife and the adolation of two sweet little boys. My sin was dispair (I just never realized that it carried the death penalty.)

Originally Posted By: tiredandlost
it seems like she does not take any responsibility though, that is not good.

Sadly, no, she is in utter denial and is convinced she is still 100% the victim in this. But then that just means she's acting true to her new archetype, the WAW, right?

Thanks, TAL. I really appreciate your and everyone else's willingness to share your insights and experience with those still new to this rough road we travel.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1189419 - 09/06/07 01:09 AM Re: King of Pain [Re: NoCodeBlues]
LL44 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 5643
My H blames me 100% for our problems before his affair, and deep down I think he justifies his A because of our problems. He is definately in a fog, most definately.

Oh the kids. Its awful isn't it, to see their beautiful faces, and realize this might change their lives forever. All because of something that CAN be fixed, but our spouses aren't willing to try. Mine are 3 and 5 yrs old, and its hard enough to explain why Daddy is sleeping on the couch, much less anything else that might happen down the road.

This is a fantastic place. A private place for yourself, where you can be guaranteed that someone understands. Take care.

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#1189457 - 09/06/07 01:43 AM Re: King of Pain [Re: runningoutoftime]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
{{{Hugs}}}


Thanks, ROOT, I appreciate it a lot.


Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
By the way, I have a son with HF autism too. Whenever I think of these labels I think of the movie Forrest Gump and how his mother refused to have him labeled.

Good for you, root! I feel the same way.

Part of the friction bewteen W and I is that I take umbrage when she insists on characterizing S6 as AS in practically the first sentence with anyone we meet. "Hi, this is our son, S6, and he has Asperger's." In turn she gets angry at me because part of my problem early on in his diagnosis is that I was in a bit of denial, so then she thinks I am continuing to be in denial about our son's condition. No, I truly accept S6's condition, just as I do the color of his eyes or the shape of his little nose. I treat his AS just as a parent is supposed to treat any "handicap" their child may have -- it is just a handicap and not a label. He is an otherwise normal little boy, very bright and very high-functioning, and we should expect no less from him just because he may have this handicap. He needs encouragement not excuses. Making excuses for him will only harm him by keeping him from being able to cope with the real world.

Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
Is there anyway you can get out of that cell phone situation and have the bill sent to her?


I forgot to mention that I sort-of resolved that problem already. I confronted the W about the bill last week and without admitting any guilt or wrong-doing whatsoever she insisted on having the account put in her name alone. I let her. Frankly, I don't want to see the phone records anymore -- it's too painful counting up the hours she spent on the phone with OM (6,239 minutes in just two billing periods! That's double the time she spent talking to anyone else, including me, combined!) And now she has put him on the "family" plan, it sickens me (I guess she rationalizes that she's doing a financially responsible thing by now talking mobile-to-mobile with OM for just a flat fee.)

So all in all, it's now one less thing to worry about, so I can concentrate on GAL.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1189459 - 09/06/07 01:46 AM Re: King of Pain [Re: NoCodeBlues]
LL44 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 5643
family plan? Oh gross. \:\(

Funny thing, when I complained about our triple sized phone bill, H had OW call our HOUSE instead? Hello, fog much? I calmly said I would pay anything on the #*$& cell phone, but she is never to call MY residence ever again. Bold much?

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#1189464 - 09/06/07 01:52 AM Re: King of Pain [Re: LL44]
Kali Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/07
Posts: 304
well my H now carries around two cell phones. his OW bought him one and put it on her family plan (different provider). but i still see calls on our shared phone to and from her, i am actually quite tired of footing the bill for their calls.
_________________________
Kali


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#1189520 - 09/06/07 02:47 AM Re: King of Pain [Re: LL44]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Has anyone here ever actually found one of those pod things in the backyard where their spouse lives?

I expect any moment to see Kevin McCarthy's character running down the street, screaming "They're here already. Your're next!"
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1189523 - 09/06/07 02:49 AM Re: King of Pain [Re: NoCodeBlues]
LL44 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 5643
LOL!! NoCode, thank you for giving me my first real laugh tonight. \:\) \:\) \:\)

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