Well, I don't know how I can make him miss me. The things he like about me in the beginning were that I focused my entire life, every thought, every action, on him. I smothered him with attention and affection, and sex!
Obviously, I can't do these things right now, since I am trying to not contact him, but in the future maybe. I would love to have him come over just for physical stuff, which I know he misses, but then it would mess up my head. Maybe in the future?
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
At this point, I am not sure how to make him miss me. His complaints in our marriage was that I showed no respect, no love, no affection, no appreciation and mostly that I didn't spend much time being physically close to him.
When he first met me, I was happy go lucky. We enjoyed every minute of out time together and stole lots of kisses at opportune moments. After M and our first baby, that all slipped away. I knew it was what he needed, but I couldn't find it in myself to give it to him and I haven't been able to figure out why.
He said he wanted a month with no contact, then 4 days later said he was filing for D. He has since said that although his feelings haven't changed....he won't rush into the D just yet. I have been doing the 180's that I can when I see him such as being polite (saying thank you and showing appreciation in small ways) complimenting him when he looks nice (complained I never did that either) and generally working on myself to be happier. (He complained that I was always negative and miserable) As far as the physicalness goes......I cannot make him miss me by showing him any physical means as he does not want that. The only other thing that I could do a 180 on is he said that no matter what, he could never do anything right in my eyes. I am dark on him with the exception of the kids and necessary Dr.'s appointments with them. SO, I am really at a loss as to what other steps I could take to make him miss me at this point.
The only other thing that I could do a 180 on is he said that no matter what, he could never do anything right in my eyes. I am dark on him with the exception of the kids and necessary Dr.'s appointments with them. SO, I am really at a loss as to what other steps I could take to make him miss me at this point.
does your H take the kids on his own at all? If he does maybe you could let him know what a good job of that he is doing? It might not make him miss you but it will help him see you in a more positive light. As would trying to find the positive in everything and not mentioning the negatives.
Making them miss you. Hmmm..From my experience, you cant make anyone do anything they dont want to do. The minds of the WAS is not on missing the LBS, its on remembering all of the bad stuff that made them leave in the first place. This is so they can feel good about leaving. Especially if there is an OP involved. If you think the WAS is thinking about you as much as you are about them, you are probably going to be disappointed. They do not care as much as you do anymore, thats why they are gone. Do you think they remember the good times? Of course not. They only remember the bad times and how "they were never happy" and how "they made a big mistake marrying".
Im not trying to rustle anyones feathers but sometime you gotta draw the line. I feel that its unrealistic to "make" someone miss you. THEY made the choice to leave. Now its up to you to decide if youre gonna put your life on hold, wait and hope for this person to come back. You have some control in this situation- sit there and be miserable until the WAS comes back or get moving and live a good life. If they decide to come back it will be up to you if you want them back.
I hate to say this but Tom is right. Yes, they may miss you at first because the loneliness of a broken family sets in but after they have established a routine, and have gotten their own lives, the vast majority of WASs will simply forget the good times and avoid anything that may make them remember them. If they do, they'll usually double the number of negative things to remember to justify their actions. The WAS also surrounds himself or herself with people who will reinforce that notion while cutting out of their lives those people whom disagree with their actions or reasons.
That's just a reality for most folks. Yes, the pain will be there in the WAS. There's no denying that. But, like the LBS, that pain slowly goes away as time goes on and a new life is built. During this time for the WAS planning a permanent split, the emotional divorce often precedes the physical divorce. For the LBS, it's the other way around. That's why it's almost always harder on the LBS and why it takes much longer for them to rebuild their life.
I concur. I often feel as if we extend our own limbo by hoping they will miss us. It seems to me that we often want to replace the fact that the WAS has made a decision with hope. We can hang tenaciously onto that hope. Sometimes the best thing is to let the WAS have their decision, walk with the loss, and deal with the pain in order to have our lives.
Tom, hacker, and bluekeys have some very good points!!
A lot of the time, the person who walked is really "flooding" their thoughts with the negatives, the bad stuff about the relationship, and not leaving any room for any of the good thoughts. They were "never happy", things were "always bad", etc. Even when the good memories arise within them, their "defensive mechanism" might kick into gear, to push the positive thoughts out of the way. After all, how can they justify their actions and what they're doing if things really weren't all that bad, all the time. In fact, they become experts with "what you focus on expands".
This is where we can "reframe" the thoughts and practice of "making them miss you", and turn it into "NOT making them NOT miss you".
I think that every one of us are experts on how to "push their buttons" in a negative way. In fact, I'm pretty sure that most of us know more ways to "piss them off" in a hurry then how to make them "happy", right?! Even if we don't know how to make a bad interaction with them turn good, we have hundreds of ways that we know to make a good interaction turn bad.
More often than not, their radar is focused in on you screwing up, by either saying or doing the wrong thing, at the wrong time, and in the wrong place. This is where their focus is at, and this is where they're going to expand on their justifications for leaving. This is where some of their "power" lays, and this is where you can turn the tide in your favor.
In my humble point of view, "NOT making them NOT miss you" is a win/win situation.
If your partner is teetering at all with their decision to leave, you can help tip the balance in your favor by NOT feeding them any negative thoughts of your relationship, and it can leave a little more room inside of their heads for the "good stuff".
However, if it truly is too late, if they have truly moved on and won't look back at all, it gives you a chance to move forward, too, with grace and dignity intact.
If you find yourself having to push their buttons to provoke them, whether it be to "teach them a lesson", or to "punish" them in any way for the decision that they have made, or any reason similar to these, well, it's time to make peace with them, and yourself. For yourself.
This in NO WAY means to be a "doormat", to be subservient, or to just roll over and "play dead". On the contrary, boundaries in ANY kind of relationship is very healthy, and very necessary. If you aren't good with them, and how to work them effectively, this should be the very next thing you work on. It will help others gain more respect for you, and help you gain more respect for yourself. This can help give you the best chance of "moving forward", or "moving on", whichever the case may be.
Off my soapbox now, and again, JMHO!
JJ
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