I am really sorry you feel that way, if you can't "bleed" to your family than who can you to?? I did the same, my H is upset about it too. Oh well, I was taking care of me. It is what it is, and I can't do anything about that now!
However, that does not mean that you have to take any friends or families advice, Tell them to be a good friend you just need them to listen.
Repeat after me: "It's NOT all about me. It's not ALL about me. It's not all about ME."
So you "bled" to your family and friends in your emotional agony? What else does she expect? Ever been through anything like this before? And what about her...having an affair? Isn't that kinda like finding emotional support from someone other than your family & friends?
Hang in there...this is tough. The toughest thing you've ever done in your life, right? But your marriage was the biggest commitment you've made so far in your life...and the biggest you'll ever make.
Follow the DB advice...work on you, your goals, dreams, and what makes you happy. Go out with friends...and...casual DATES with women. Yes, that's right...it's a tonic. It makes me realize how much I miss my WAW, how much I want my family back, but it also makes me realize that I'm a human being, who has value, and whom other people like. Work on being happy...it's really not a bad plan, you know?
I'll keep you in my prayers, SoccerDad, and keep fighting the good fight.
I had to do a 180 on my friends and mother because their "help" was just not helping. Some of my friends and mother just tell me to pack up my stuff and leave; that he is a horrible person and that I don't deserve what I am going through.
I don't think I was a terrible wife, but I don't think I was the greatest during the marriage, so one part of me doesn't think I am a victim at all. That part my friends (specially the ones living away) don't know.
The people that love me don't know exactly what happened between my husband and I, they just see him as a coldhearted men who decided one day to abandon ship.
My father, interestingly, being always cold and distant, has been the only person to shed some real light to all this. He sees things in the DB line of thought and from a male point of view.
It used to be that when I called my folks, my father would promptly hand the phone to my mom, now I request the opposite.
My mom sometimes just makes the matters worse by saying she hates my husband and that I real strong woman would have left. My best friend thinks I am addicted to books instead of just living life. Either "help" does not give me guidelines to make things better, so I just stopped telling them anything about my love life.
Well, this topic has been dormant for almost two years, but the subject and chapter of the book it discusses really hits home for me.
In my sitch, my wife is married to the internet. All of her friends are there and are just an instant message away. The problem with this-- and I speak from a position of authority on this because this describes me at one point in my life-- is that the guys on the other end of the instant message window are USUALLY lacking in their own self-esteem, lonely, unmotivated, unambitious, self-serving psychic vampires who latch on to anyone they perceive as giving them positive attention. Extra points if the person giving the attention is female (or assumed to be).
They're in a mental place where their reality has become the virtual world they plop themselves in front of them, since their interrelations with people is based on a form of toleplaying. The internet is the great equalizer. No one is rich, poor, fat, skinny, ugly, pretty, handicapped, etc. So, with that freedom, the internet gives even the lowliest of creatures walking upright and with opposable thumbs a clean slate on which they can design their own reality.
So take the case of a WAW who has a whole list of online buddies-- some of whom she's had EAs with already. She's going to use someone as a sounding board, telling all about her woes. Of course, the soul-sucking leech on the other end is going to validate her EVERY WORD and say whatever he can to try to endear her to him more. It's sick in that he's taking her vulnerable position and leveraging it to his advantage. It becomes a feedback loop. She gets to sound off, and he gets to feel all tingly from some girl paying attention to her.
What really pisses me off about this is that the guy on the other end makes these delusional statements that the W doesn't refute, no matter how terribly wrong they are. I'll give an example. This is one I've seen a LOT. "He just doesn't understand you like I do."
What!? So the guy who knows in intimate detail what makes his wife tick; who has shared the most intimate parts of his life with her and received the same in return; who knows her fears, joys, favorite color, food, movie, song; who through formerly open communication has an understanding of where she came from as far as the family she grew up with goes; who physically holds tight to her her when she's crying, or does the same when the love is flowing; who (and this is the biggie, all things considered) PHYSICALLY made love to her and shared that closeness that only making love can provide...
So this guy knows less about his own wife than some greasy shirt wearing 40 year old basement dwelling virgin whose only meaningful relationship ever was a scarily Oedipus-like bond he shared with his mother?
This, folks, is why you should take EXTREME notice of your spouse when they start visiting chatrooms. I'm not sure what I was wanting to get across here. Just maybe sharing things I've found in my experience, and hopefully it can be of use to someone.
Take care! -Jon
My current sitch. Feedback and opinions greatly appreciated!
Jon! Can't you disconnect her from the net for a while?? You know like changing internetaccounts or repair or something...LOL thinking about the look on her face and having to cope as a grown up for once. You know your wife best... Don't tell her this but show it!!! Cook her favourite food, sublety remind her of little things you did together, back her up on an issue.. I would get out my pen and paper and write down stuff about her personally and the two of you together. (actually I did...) Things like i mentioned above...her favourite foods and beverages, movies she likes, the clothes she likes on YOU, etc. and be subtle about it when you rent the movie, cook the food, talk about things you are sure you both agree upon etc.
About family and friends.... I find it very difficult to explain to people what MLC is all about, let alone what you are standing for. Everyone keeps getting back to 'well he IS living with OW...'. But they are supportive of me maybe because I handpicked the people I told about us. Yesterday I had a rough day. I tried to explain to my friend that it is positives I need and not the realitychecks. These are there ALL the time and it still aches. I know the reality because I live this reality everyday...but the positives keep me going.
I have a handfull of people I talk to and they are family and friends. Others I just don't tell. Among the few people who know is my uncle who told me yesterday 'surely I was moving on...!?' I didn't answer just said I lived my live and he asked again and told me his thoughts or rather pushed it upon me. I know he means well so I let it slide but some days are more dificult than others to do this.
My babybrother who is getting married this month wrote my maiden name on the invitation and did not invite my DH (or our DS 3). I wrote him an email making a joke out of it saying he 'forgot' my men and yes we would attend. (still not sure if DH will come but I surely did not tell him about the invitation...) I made a decision for myself that if he replied that DH was not welcome I would stand for my marriage and not attend his wedding. I never received a reply so we will go.
Mmmh, can't remember the other questions JJ asked. Anyway i would really like it if this BB starts having these discussions with moderators some more. It really helps and motivates...!!! (For instance KLA...)
Unfortunately, my W is now living with her parents, and disconnecting their internet would be inconvenient for them, because they both use it for work related matters. She's so addicted to the net that even if they disconnected her from the router and took the cable, she'd go up to Wal-Mart and buy a new one. They could do this every day and she'd follow suit until she was broke, and then she'd try to borrow the money or a cable from someone else.
Worse still, every thing I've feared about what those chatroom types is telling her is true beyond what I could have believed. Her mother said that she observed a comment someone made to W in Instant Messenger as her mother passed by her computer. The comment was pretty inflammatory to her parents, and at that moment she wanted to know what in the hell W was telling these people and what they were telling her. So, I worked a little mojo and accessed W's computer to both mine and her mother's horror. There's all sorts of crap. Textbook material. BEYOND textbook. There are death threats to me, illicit "cybersex" exchanges, plans to meet up, plans to shack up, you name it.
After what happened tonight, it's well and truly over, I'm afraid. She's addicted to the fantasy world of cyberspace, and is open, ready, and willing to chow down on all the bullshit people within it are telling her.
Sucks, but... nothing much I can do now. Maybe her parents will dump their land-based internet and get wireless via their cellphones, thereby cutting W off. Who knows? What I do know is that her parents, as owners of the home W is staying in rent free, are well within their right to deny her access to the net, but they have no real logistical solution to it.
Ah well... Live and learn, die and burn.
-Jon
My current sitch. Feedback and opinions greatly appreciated!
Jon, So you have your MIL and FIL in your corner... That is positive since she is living there. But fron your post I gather you are moving on. OK Good luck to you!
I have had decent relationship with my ILs. Things have started to pile up inside me since my W's MLC started after she took a cruise together with MIL and she came back as a different person. Looking back I see MIL supporting my W's multiple EAs over the time and supporting her feeling that it is ok to move away from the M. I am at the point where I want to resort to LRT with my ILs since they do not want to stand up for the wrong she is committing in the M. Is this wrong on my part?
During my sitch I had nobody to vent to (before I knew about this BB) and I had chatted with my MIL openly about our situation in the hope that she can have a mature discussion with my W. That kind of backfired and made my W pissed off for soliciting help from her family. I have stayed away from that mistake, but recently I took a strong stand in response to an email from my MIL, when she started to nitpick little mistakes on my part - for example taking my kids off to Disneyland on a surprise trip without telling my W! I am shocked to get this response from MIL:
"I cannot agree with your description for love that it is a decision and maybe that's part of the problem in your marriage. Love is a feeling."
I am furious at this and I am ready to blow off. I need some advice.
Me 41, ring on W 36, ring off married 13 yrs Separated D9, D5 bomb May, 07 My sitch
in my situation my family has been supportive without being invasive. my w on the other hand has only talked to her work aquantices. she has only seeked validation for her decision. my wifes mother even called me last night to let me know how concerned she was for her daughters decision to end the marriage. it is totally out of character. i need to talk just to try and make sense of the whole ordeal. thank god for the book dr. i just read the dr twice and can't wait to go into action. h-53 w-43 m-19yrs s-17 d-13
Last edited by craig54; 10/08/0703:56 AM.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
