I have no clue who the other guy is. I just know that it was the first OM for a while, then she “dumped’ him and now has another OM. As soon as she meet this guy, her whole lifestyle changed. It’s about motorcycle’s, bars, new music, clothes, everything. I actually feel good about this, because while she has always been a very outgoing person, this sudden new change isn’t her and I think she can only keep it up for so long. So there is an excitement there that I’m not providing, which is tough when she doesn’t want to do much with me besides talk. Not very exciting.
I’m pretty good on the PLL stuff, I know when it is good and not so good. I would say about every third time I see her I get something, but it is usually small and I don’t make a big deal about it at all.
Ok. On the excitement, what things have you always wanted to try for you that you never did? Now would be a great time. I am seriously thinking about running a marathon in January. Also, what kind of fun things did you used to do that you stopped (for whatever reason)?
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I ride a road bike a lot, or at least used to. Now I'm smoking a lot, have to stop that, but I'm pretty good at setting those down. I've always wanted to do a tri, just a short one first to see how I liked it and then maybe more. I think I should focus on that, but that is me.
I used to climb a lot, haven't in years, but I just might start that again, I live too close to not give it a go. Although I never quit that for family issues, more issues with getting seriously hurt, so ah maybe not.
Used to flyfish whenever I could, but sort of afraid to get fishing going again, that was a huge argument on her part, and the son has his own little play rod, but when he plays with it, she snaps verbal negativity to the son and I on it. So I think I'll just let that rest.
Its sort of a weird issue, she was originally attracted to me for the outdoor activities, I got her into downhill mtn biking and she was an addict tell the S. But I always got her out for some activity, well after the S, I kept going and she stayed home. Of course the drift comes. So she is really mad about me not being there and available. I think by doing some of these things she will see and feel her resentment again. Not sure?
So I think it might be good if I do some things I can take S along on, that solves the non family time, and if she wants to join great. Probably should avoid the overnight trips, that shows I'm gone again. There is enough close by for day trips anyway.
I used to carry him in a pack, but he is getting big. I could probably use the exercise. Overall it was always the outdoors, so I just need to pick activities that everyone can do.
Have tickets to baseball this Thursday, and the park has a playground for kids, a train that takes you from one side of the outfield to the other side. I have S that night and extra tickets, so I offered W. She works RIGHT across the street. Nope, said her attention span can't handle it, so I left it at that. She had called about scheduling issues. Accomidated what she needed.
I'll get out and have fun. Have plans Friday with some friends I haven't seen in a long time, they are all about drinking though, so I'm throwing out some other ideas.
Not sure where to begin, but I would really appreciate your thoughts on the matter.
W is defiantly in the throws of a MLC. Everything is new, even the slang. She has dropped one guy for another. The S told me this weekend that he has a new daddy. I’m completely DB’ing with W, but I’m falling apart outside of her presence. I weighed 178 when this started 3 weeks ago and I’m now down to 160. I am working out much more, but I can’t eat, sleep, and fell like crap. That is without the emotions even calculated in. So on that note…
I have two good friends that are attorneys, I have done work for them before and they are great men, both near retirement, very seasoned, and they gave some great advice and I think I might take it. Also to note, I have been conferencing with both of them about my sitch and they agree with the DB’ing and are both big family men, so they don’t want to see this go bad.
The state I live in always for joint filing, I’m sure most do. This works well when the parties agree on everything, which W and I do at this time except for alimony. I’ll get to that. I’m going to fill out the papers but not act yet. Here is why, all she talks about is the D and how she wants it, she has seen an attorney once but backed out. I could work with that, but I can’t work with this new lifestyle. The phone bill came today, and is over $250 and she calls this guy probably 5-10 times a day, not to mention there texts and his return calls. Nobody talks that much without some type of give. I’m not an idiot, but I don’t have any real proof either. I do have proof of the first other guy though, in witnesses, but couldn’t say anything about infidelity.
So I’m going to do 50/50 child custody, legal and physical. I’m going to request shared transportation, she has seen men in another city and I’m not driving to pick up my son an hour each way when I have to. She is going to share in that. I’m already paying child support based of the statute and that is not a problem.
Alimony: I won’t give it to her, and if I have to I’m prepared to lay down a large retainer to fight like hell to not and here is why. First her side, she feels she put me through school, and says I’ll be making a lot more then her and she doesn’t deserve to be left with nothing. Fine that is the statute. Well the facts, right now I make 70% of the income, and she contributes 30%. She works part time, so with a full time job it would be more like 40/60 but I think closer to 45/55. Not to much of a difference. Second, we both went to school at the same time, she did her masters for two years and worked for two years. Well I looked at our old returns and she made X those two years. Unfortunately, like an idiot I never had her take student loans out except for her tuition. I took out all the loans for my tuition and for all of our living expenses. Well after taking the total I owe, minus the tuition, I still took out more loans for living expenses then she did make, three times as much. So I contributed more and I’m paying it back now for who knows how long and with interest. Three, I was coerced to buy this house, I didn’t want to, didn’t feel financially secure enough yet and wanted the market to drop more, this is well known, in fact MIL talked about it with the other day. So now I’m stuck with this large mortgage payment and 3 weeks after we move in she leaves. Fourth, the phone calls to men started prior to her leaving and even though it isn’t grounds for child custody dispute, it is not looked upon highly in my state as leaving for someone else and then asking for alimony. Right now without my money she is in the black, without me paying crap, I’m in the red already. Making it by, by doing odd jobs here and there.
My plan is to right this up, keep DB’ing, if nothing begins to change, or her behaviors continue down the path she has chosen and next time she throws it in my face, I pull them out and tell her what I’ve agreed to. I’ll tell her I love her and that I would do anything for her, but I can’t continue like this when she chooses to live like this. I’ll tell her to have an attorney look them over, with all the facts and numbers included, not going to play games at all. With all the facts she isn’t going to get to far.
Lastly, she is broke even with the little money in the black she has. She can’t afford decent counsel, and if she chooses to come back with guns drawn, I will tell her the consequences of going this route. That everything will be brought out in court, families will see it all. Her family just did this 2 years ago and still isn’t over the court room drama. I’ll tell her that our relationship will most likely as coparents be irreparable and that isn’t far to the child.
If she continues on that path, I already have a deal with someone who I could never afford the retainer, and she is pitbull. Everything will go south from there and it won’t be pretty, but I have nothing to lose. My family knows everything, and hers is in the dark because she is embarrassed. I’ve lost my patience and cool, she is leaving me with no choice. I can’t keep paying for everything while she plays around with other men.
Hey Atlas -- sorry about not getting back to you lately!
Okay, I'm just going into this fresh out of reading your last post and nothing more. I don't know if my thoughts, advice, etc, will be good or not, but I guess it will be my gut 2 cents nonetheless. I hope others like Nomo will stop in and offer theirs.
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S told me this weekend that he has a new daddy.
Okay, that just pisses me right the #&%$ off! I'm just wondering where S4 got that notion. Has he been spending that much time with this OM to consider this dirtbag his daddy, or is this something that W has told him? When my kids are with W, they've been staying at OM's house for a little while now (from what I understand), and they have NEVER put OM in this kind of light. I feel awful for your S right now, because the likelihood of this R with OM lasting is slim to none. He shouldn't be subject to ideas like that unless time has tested the R and shown that it could be there for the long haul. Again, I'm wondering where S4 gets that thought. BTW, how did you respond to that? (((Atlas))) I'm sorry you had to hear that from your S. He's just so innocent, and that makes it so much harder...
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I’m completely DB’ing with W, but I’m falling apart outside of her presence. I weighed 178 when this started 3 weeks ago and I’m now down to 160. I am working out much more, but I can’t eat, sleep, and fell like crap. That is without the emotions even calculated in.
I completely understand -- I really do! You are constantly subjected to these awful thoughts and feelings, and they just twist your stomach into knots. It literally makes you queezy. However, I know it is hard to believe that it will get any better right now, esp given the circumstances, but you must trust and know that it will. Who knows when or how, but one day you'll realize that you can and will get through this and be happy again, with or without her. It took me a long time, and several seperate heavy grieving periods spread out a couple months apart from each other, but I finally made it. I know that, no matter what happens, you will survive this and be stronger because of it, and esp because of the way you will have handled it. Whatever you do, just make sure you can live with yourself and sleep well at night.
Okay, now regarding the atty sitch.
I'm going to go out on a limb here, simply because I don't know what seasoned DBers would say to this. I think that having the papers pre-written up is a wise decision at this point. But that is as far as it should go. I wouldn't present them to her, tell her about them, threaten/intimidate her with them, etc, AT ALL until it is absolutely imperative (and if/when that time comes, DEFINITELY don't present them in a threatening or intimidating manner -- just do so matter-of-factly and in a calm and collected demeanor). I think you've made a decent case for why you believe what you do regarding what should happen in the case a D is filed.
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My plan is to right this up, keep DB’ing, if nothing begins to change, or her behaviors continue down the path she has chosen and next time she throws it in my face, I pull them out and tell her what I’ve agreed to.
I'm glad you have decided to keep DBing in light of recent events and the current sitch. However, make sure you really set a strong breaking point FOR YOU for when you will have no choice but to present her with the papers. I say this because once you present her with this write-up, it is difficult to predict in what direction this thing will go. You need to be 100% sure that you are ready to proceed with a D if that is what W responds with. I know you're not filing, but you're definitely holding the ball out to her and saying, "Here you go -- Take the ball and shoot it!" Can you live with taking the action that may deliver this message and cause her to follow through? Again, I think it is a smart thing to have it all written up, but personally I might really wait until she files. I don't see how it could harm your sitch to wait until then. Of course, this is just me personally. I'd like to hear from others on this.
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I’ve lost my patience and cool, she is leaving me with no choice. I can’t keep paying for everything while she plays around with other men.
I hear you, Atlas. It is a tough position to be in, and she shouldn't expect you to. Maybe now is the time to set a boundary on what you are willing to help her with (i.e. things that affect your S4). Brainstorm on what these types of things will be, jot them down, and maybe the next time she makes ugly, throws something in your face, etc, you can present her with this (vs. proposed D papers). Again, if you do this you should do so in a calm and collected demeanor, and show her that you are being adult about this and that this is what you feel is necessary in regard to your best interests. No matter what kind of alien spew she projects toward you, remain steady, unphased, and consistent with your feelings regarding what is in your best interests. Show her a man who is strong and who is being guided by reason vs. emotion (ever read Thomas Paine's "The Age of Reason"?).
"And that's all I've got ta say about THAT." -- Forrest Gump
Seriously though, I hope that helps, my friend. I'm really sorry for where you're at and how you're feeling. You will have better and brighter days!
Wanted to respond, but couldn't think of anything constructive to add. GD has some excellent points.
I'll say it, because you didn't, but you're wife is behaving like an immature child. Selfish and uncaring. Only someone totally self-absorbed at the moment would have their four year old call another man daddy after 3 weeks (or whatever the short time period is).
I salute you in keeping up the DBing. Right now, as I believe Nomo, Gnomes, Nomes, er, Captain Nomo, said, you need to focus on doing good things for you that make you feel good.
The other thing, and it's early so GD may have addressed this, is to start making damn sure that you S is safe. I'm sure you know this, and I don't have any practical advice at the moment, but making sure he's OK is goal number 1 right now for you, because it isn't for your W.
Not trying to be negative, but, damn, I was pissed off for you after I read this last night. And still pissed off for you now.
Hang tight and keep the faith,
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
The S thing about stopped be dead in my tracks, we were getting out of the car to do some shopping. What do you say to a 2 year old. He had been saying Atlas, Atlas, he does this sometimes. I turned to him and said, "I'm daddy, you call me daddy." "I nother daddy."
I got him out of the car and sat him on the front seat of the car and got down to his eye level and had a talk about me as his dad, said only nice things about his mother, but this is joke.
I'm just going to be prepared from now on. I know its a control issue, and I'm going to keep DB'ing but I think she is just trying to minimize the damage out the door, by not giving me the truth.
