Stillme: Month 6

[stillme]

No news on the H-front. Haven't seen him since jj class on Wed., tho he came to the house Fri. to mow the lawn when we were gone, & when he called yest. & today, I either let it go to vm or had kids answer.

Some pretty hard stuff just went on w/kids. After I put them in bed, D comes out of her room to me & says "I want to talk about you & daddy." Heart-wrenching, gut-clenching, horribleness. . . "I just want it to be over." "I never knew my heart could hurt like this." and, when I said I was sorry her heart hurt so badly, she said "It doesn't hurt; it's broken!" And tears, which made me tear up & when (Emotional Caretaker) S came out of his room to group-hug us, bring tissues & dab at our eyes, even more tears came to me, which in turn made D cry more. I just tried validating and listening mostly, offering that it was nothing she needs to fix (She said she would do anything to make it right btwn H & me) & saying "I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." She said, "I feel like I'm in the way." but I didn't get her to clarify that real well, so unsure where that was coming from. "I want to go back to the beginning when it was good." "I want to be a baby again." S continually tried to comfort w/AOS - getting her drink of water & box of tissues, holding the straw to her mouth, dabbing her tears & getting her to blow her nose, petting her hair, hugging her & getting on her level, looking into her eyes & saying "It'll be all right. It's going to be fine." When he said "I'll take care of you." I gently told him it wasn't his job to do that; it was and will always be my job & H's job to take care of both S & D. I'm so glad he cares FOR D, but that it wasn't his job to TAKE CARE OF her or anyone else since he was just a child himself... He tried to offer her comfort by saying they'll have TWO Easters and TWO Christmases - one at Miss Andrea's house & one w/mommy -(H told them they wouild be spending Christmas w/her in WI)- and D asked if hearing her name made me angry or sad cuz "I don't want to hurt your heart" so I had to go into how they could say anything to me, and even I used her name (side: and I've always called her MISS Andrea - the polite Southern child way of speaking about any adult) and not to worry about me like that. . . Finally got D back into bed & we prayed out loud (She prayed her usual 'thank-you God for [names] and [things]' prayer; then I prayed for God to watch over S & D, me & H and help us do the right thing, the way He would want us to act; then D wanted to pray again along those lines, w/a 'tell daddy I love him, and make this all end soon please'. Hugely horrible & I feel drained.

Not a wonderful way to start off the new thread, but there you have it. My Life.

Quick rehash:
Initial Bomb(s): Oct & Nov. 06
DBing Began: 1/5/07 [Friendship/Roommate phase)
H Moved Out: 3/17/07 [Punishment Phase begun & escalates to date]
H having PA
No papers filed yet; tho H says he's "working on it" & I "just need to have a little more patience"
I Will Go Down With This Ship. . .

[stillme]

Oh, and a link to the previous thread: Stillme & the Plan: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1116078&page=2#Post1116078

Did have a pretty good day, tho, earlier after GALing (me & kids) last night til midnight. Took S to jiu jitsu class at 9am, picked up D's friend for scheduled playdate on the way home, then ran thru grocery for lunch stuff b/c S's friend from j.j. plus his little bro & his mom (who I'd just made friends w/this past wk) were coming over for the day. Whirlwind spot-cleaning of the house & they arrived at 11:30 & left around 2:30. I tried reading (currently working on Hendrix/Getting The Love You Want + re-reard of DR) but gave it up afer 20 min. & had an almost-nap on the couch for an hour while D & friend watched Hannah Montana episodes. Friend-A called & I 'woke' up; then H called (I let D get it), answered a few emails, computer stuff, checked the bb (o/c!), then made whatever-supper for kids & me. Friend-A had told me to call her if I wanted to get out this eve. (Was wanting to get a sitter & go to the movies/bookstore for a while just to be out) but I was really too wiped & couldn't gather the energy. So, just a gen'l boring day doing things for myself & kids pretty much. DID enjoy talk/support from new friend-B, tho. She said twice, "H still loves you." & "It's obvious H loves you." (She 'knows' him from jj; tho I don't think they've ever spoken & she did't know of our S until I told her Wed. at class.) I didn't pursue her Reasons for saying that, and mostly shrugged the thoughts away.

Got church in the a.m., then told kids I'd take them to Ratatouille & the mall (been trying to get some shorts for me for a week or more!) in the afternoon. Maybe I'll do the bbysitter tomorrow night for a bit. . .

[ItsKat]

(((Stillme))) (((Stillme's S and D)))

I am so sorry about how this is affecting your kids, and I am sorry about how it affects all of our kids. I think it is really good how D can talk so openly about it and you do a great job of keeping those lines of communication opened. It must have been incredibly hard mention Miss A in your conversation, but you seemed to handle it w/ grace. It is very sweet how your S takes care of you and especially your D, but it is good for you to make clear to him that it is not necessarily his job. The "kid" part of all of this is the most heart-wrenching part of all.

[Matt-14]

Still Me
I feel so sad for you and your kids. I think I need Kleenex now. I hope the same thing doesn't happen to mine. That is my biggest worry. This is so hard with children. Did you and your H sit down with the kids and explain to them when this first happened? Did you tell them this was an adult problem that they had nothing to do with this? I know you can tell kids that but they still may not believe it. Have you taken them to counseling? It may help. I know your son seems really strong now but I'm sure this will affect him in the future.
WHY does it have to be this way?!!
I hope you and your kids have a better day tomorrow.
Hang in there and you all will be in my prayers.

Thanks, Matt

[stillme]

Matt, H told the kids by himself that he would be moving out, and I don't know what he said exactly but, from the little the kids have said about it, gather he explained what D was & that he would be moving out & everything would be fine after the D. Yuk. I have read sev. good books on helping children cope w/D (H has recently said he has as well, tho he was quick to point out the 'resilient' and 'they'll be fine' references) I DO tell them this is H & my problem, and they are in no way to blame or need to fix or worry about us & it. We're trying to do the best we can for everyone. I repeat it often. I ask them often if they'd like to talk, or tell me how they're feeling, or if they want to call C. I had them meet w/my C a few times (monthly?) since April/May - & they admitted to C (tho had never said anything to me other than that they were 'fine' & didn't want/need to talk) that one had stomachaches and the other had headaches. D had problems going to sleep/nightmares; and S would sometimes not eat his lunch at school. D has become more clingy/whiney/cries/easily frustrated. H has frustration/anger issues (tho this may just be 9yr old boy stuff too). I'm trying to keep on top of this all; H thinks they are "just fine". C said S is classic "Emotional Caretaker", trying to take care of me & D (the 'victims' he sees), so I've been gently cautioning him about that. He seems strong, but his way (repression/taking care of others instead of dealing w/his own feelings/emotions) is BAD! They are seeing C soon to discuss the recently-disclosed A (oh, excuse me, GF! - b/c it's not an A if H doesn't consider himself M'd), H's involvement of kids w/her last week & H's advising the kids to not tell me & out-&-out lie to me about her/etc. (at which point I told H he was a f'ing moron & he disgusted me).

Prayers are needed, and appreciated. Thanks.

[Nomopo]

(((((still)))))

[Brandon Kirk]

stillme, since you live in central FL, I'm convinced that me and you should just hook up. This will make our partners jealous.

[Matt-14]

Still,
I have talked to my W about this also and she said that she thought my D would take this the hardest and that the middle son would be okay and the youngest S would be okay because he was so young (he'll be 5 in Nov). I can't believe she said that stuff. She would have never said that stuff a year ago. Do they really believe that crap?? Their resilant! What a bunch of Sh*t!! Sorry about that! It just sort of pisses me off when all they can think of is themselves and say that it won't really bother the kids.
I don't know how your H can bring OW around the kids this soon! That is just f'ed up!

I'm sorry Still this is not what you need. I'm not helping you at all. Do you know who the "GF" is? How long they have known each other? Or been with each other?

Matt

[Nomopo]

I can't believe H is really making plans to be with OM for Christmas in WI in 5+ months. That seems foolish. I would be tempted to wager they aren't still an item at Christmas. It's not for sure, but I like the odds.

[Gone Dancin']

(((((still)))))

Sorry your D is struggling so much emotionally and that S is stowing his away because he feels he needs to for you and D. I can understand how drained you must feel. The good thing is that D does want to talk to you about it -- and hopefully S will open up soon enough (what a trooper though -- I just want to squeeze the little booger for his altruism!). My kids are so young and were so used to me being gone at nights anyway (because I was always planning lessons and grading papers) that it wasn't too hard for them to get used to things. My son said things at first like, "Daddy, Mommy's heart is broken," but that was very early on after W got her own place, and he hasn't talked about much since. I have always encouraged him to talk to me about it if/when he ever wanted to, but it has been few and far between when he's taken me up on it. Last week my D actually said, "Daddy, I'm gonna marry [my brother] and you're gonna marry Momma." It was so cute, but so sad. I just said, "Oh really. You're so cute!". W's good friend told me last week that S5 had told W, "I don't want to be a dad." Apparently, when W asked him why he said, "because there aren't enough girls,". I guess W just laughed and told him that there are plenty of girls. I'm assuming that he said this because he sees Mommy with OM, but Daddy living alone. I was so broken over this, but didn't show it to W's friend (apparently everyone thought it was funny except me). Sorry, kinda hijacked your thread for a second there.

I can't believe H is really making plans to be with OM for Christmas in WI in 5+ months. That seems foolish. I would be tempted to wager they aren't still an item at Christmas. It's not for sure, but I like the odds.

I couldn't agree more, Nomes -- my exact thoughts when I read that. It's like H wants that info to get back to j. Certainly not a wise decision on H's behalf, simply because of the uncertainty that 5 months could bring (maybe she'll have her nails done by then -- but will likely still have an orange hue! ).

Take care of those kids, still! (((j)))

GD