Last Friday I picked H up from work, my suggestion - 30 minute commute. We had not talked about things for months. I used phrases such as "help me understand" and "this is how I'm feeling - alone - I've lost my friend," etc. The biggest blow was the discussion about lack of intimacy - no physical R for months. Received further rejection . . . I asked H why stay together if both of us are unhappy and H told me to do what I want to do. Then we were home. I feel beaten down - shrinking Violet who doesn't stand up for herself. Ha! Got to get over it. Started working on me - going for walks and clearing out clutter. Anything to feel a bit better.
Divorce isn't the worst. Sure, there are bad things about it, primarily to do with the kids, but you do your best between you to make it go as smoothly as possible and stay close together so the kids can see you both and both parents can be active in their lives.
You've given it the college try. How much of yourself have you sacrificed for the sake of an ideal? It sounds to me like you've lost part of yourself and part of a life you only get to live once.
Get yourself emotionally and financially to a place where you are happy without him. He can't control if he decides to continue on his present course, but perhaps he'll respond to your changes with some of his own. Or maybe he'll respond to you dropping the bomb on him. I don't know...I don't usually suggest drastic measures, but just reading your posts dragged me down. Remember to take care of yourself and your kids first.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
To me, divorce IS the worst. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be a single mother. I don't feel ready to cope with all of it. It's as if I want to go swimming, put my foot in the lake, decide the water is too cold so I return to the beach, not ready to take the plunge. I don't know what's lurks in the dark water. Maybe I'm wrong and if I'd take the plunge I would find a whole new beautiful world in that dark water. I don't have the courage I think I should have to take the plunge so I'm sitting on the beach, frozen with fear, I guess, grateful for any ray of light that comes my way.
However, I am taking steps to do some things for myself, to not live in fear. I attended a divorce seminar at a law office to become knowledgeable about the process. I also spoke briefly with an attorney and learned things that lightened some of my biggest concerns. I went to a party with friends and will go away for a girls getaway weekend. These small steps are helping me cope and take care of myself.
Plus, I have my kids and my faith. One day at a time . . .
To me, divorce IS the worst. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be a single mother. I don't feel ready to cope with all of it. It's as if I want to go swimming, put my foot in the lake, decide the water is too cold so I return to the beach, not ready to take the plunge. I don't know what's lurks in the dark water. Maybe I'm wrong and if I'd take the plunge I would find a whole new beautiful world in that dark water. I don't have the courage I think I should have to take the plunge so I'm sitting on the beach, frozen with fear, I guess, grateful for any ray of light that comes my way.
However, I am taking steps to do some things for myself, to not live in fear. I attended a divorce seminar at a law office to become knowledgeable about the process. I also spoke briefly with an attorney and learned things that lightened some of my biggest concerns. I went to a party with friends and will go away for a girls getaway weekend. These small steps are helping me cope and take care of myself.
Plus, I have my kids and my faith. One day at a time . . .
Oh, Violet, my heart aches for you. Divorce isn't the worst -- really, but right now you don't have to make that choice. I think if you keep walking along that lake, doing your deep-knee bends and deep breathing, and acting by your every day actions as though you are a courageous woman, you will become that courageous woman.
I watched someone I loved deeply go through an unwanted divorce, and it's rough on everyone, but it's not the worst. There are many things -- even things you could think of -- which would be much worse.
He's making his financial decisions. You have to be protective of your kids financially, and that doesn't always mean divorce. One step at a time, really.
Well, I've been trying to take better care of myself so I started going to WW meetings and taking long walks. Last night I was enjoying the walk, the landscape, close to nature thing and tears sprung up out of nowhere. I asked myself why the tears and I got an answer. Violet, you're so darned angry. This was a lightbulb moment. Part of my problem is that I continue to shove everything inside and I have put up walls. I haven't dealt with things - my choice has been to wait it out and hope that things get better. Which, of course, they haven't. You see, I do not see myself as a victim in my M. I clearly see that I am where I am because of my choice not to deal with things. I avoid confrontation, especially H.
H's financial decisions were made without me in a sneaky way, behind my back. (Statements were sent to H's P.O. box. What's on them - I don't know but I need to find the courage to say - show me or get out.) Making these decisions without me is NOT acceptable and I no longer trust H. I need to face H and tell him that. Period. H views it as HIS problem. However, it DOES impact me and the kids because what he owes greatly impacts the amount of money H can contribute to our household. So, I am stressed out about paying the bills which means my kids have a stressed-out mom. This revelation really stinks.
Yesterday was our Anniversary. We exchanged cards and I made dinner at home. It was nice and low-key.
What's bothering me is that my mom called and said, "I guess I SHOULD congratulate you on another anniversary." That hurt! I wanted to lash out but did not. Obviously, she thinks I'm doing the wrong thing by staying married. Maybe she could have told me she admired my tenacity.
I'm just taking things one day at a time remembering that my glass is half full!
I found these words online that express the struggle between walking away or staying and trying to heal.
"You start having all these thoughts that weren't in your Escape Plan. You remember that despite your spouse's despicable behavior, you actually love him or her. You find yourself reminiscing about all the years you spent together, the good times that you've had. You focus on the fact that you have children together and that there have been many precious family times. You even recall the bad times and how you lived through them as a team. Your pragmatic voice weighs in and reminds you that your financial situation will change. You start to think about the kids being shuttled back and forth from house to house rather than having a home.
The pain of thinking about what it would really be like to say, "Goodbye," and mean it, makes you just a little bit less certain that divorce is the solution. In quiet moments when you feel somewhat more convinced that you actually will survive the pain, you ask yourself, "Can my spouse change?" "Can we do the work necessary to get things back on track?" "Will I ever forgive?" And then slowly, imperceptibly, your focus starts to shift. The impossible gradually becomes a possibility. Before you know it, you're desperately looking for ways to heal and move forward, hoping you'll never pass this way again."
Thank you for giving me a voice!
Author: Michelle Weiner-Davis, "Leave Elizabeth Alone"
I've been lurking rather than posting; however, H now says he has ruined my life, our children's lives, and is going to D me to set me free -- and file for bankruptcy. H says he is no good to anyone and he has been a failure since a child. Previously, I made a doctor's appt for him to discuss depression. H cancelled the appt.
The fact of the matter is - I'm tired of all of this. Burned out. Years of trying over and over only to discover more of H's deceptions and lies. I have tried time and again to be a good, supportive, understanding, and loving W. But I cannot seem to hang on to this M anymore. I feel so badly for the kids. It all seems so hopeless. I am praying for better days for my family, even if that means D.
It is so painful to hear about your situation. In some instances I identify with you, in others I identify with your H.
For me, W has been uninvolved with our D6 for the last 6 yrs, and has left all the household chores for me to do, only does her job and comes home to watch tv ( until she left me 2 mos ago).
For her, though I earn on average as much as she does, spend much less on myself, she voiced frustration that I did not have a salaried job like herself, said she was tired of living month to month, though she helped run up the credit cards, and never seems to understand why we are continuiously in debt.
I have wanted to make a career change for a long time as my buisness base has been slowly dwindling and it is harder and harder to make good money in my restoration buisness, especially with a flood of cheap illegal labor and the downturn in the housing and mortgage industries ( I am also a home inspector, something I did at her request, but because of the downswing have not been able to make a go of it).
I feel the frustration intensly of the need and desire to change careers, but feeling professionally boxed in and no quick and easy alternatives. I have applied to several salaried jobs, but have not been hired yet.
It weighs heavily on me and I bet your H has similar feelings.
I don't know his skills or field, but if he has to start over at some entry level job because he is at the top of his feild, I can understand him being depressed.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
