Is it too late after doing EVERYTHING wrong?

[Nomopo]

You know what, I think I would give him some space for a while. Let's see what he does for a few weeks (two or three at least). Give him a chance to step up. You haven't tried this yet, have you? While you are trying this, monitor results. See how he is acting. Make some notice about the results. We can re-evaluate in three weeks or a month.

If he asks, you need to convey that you are perfectly fine with going either way on whatever it is. So, for example, if he says "I was thinking about coming over for dinner with the kids," you can say, "that would be great. They'd love to see you." If he then says, "well, I'm not really sure I can make it tonight," then you go with "it's up to you. Either way is fine." And then move back to whatever you were doing. Keep it short and sweet, and don't forget the sweet part, but you're following his lead.

Wouldn't it be nice if he asked you to do laundry or asked to come for dinner or whatever? Make this a short-term relationship goal and let's see if it gets achived in the next 2 -3 weeks. This might be the "first sign" that things are inmproving, and ifg they do we can concludce he needed the space, meaning not to be pushed. And if it doesn't work, we'll re-evaluate and maybe try another approach.

I like this because he has aksed you for Time and Space. Give it to him. Let the tension diffuse a bit.

Nomopo

[NotAgainPlease]

Great idea! It's funny because last weekend kids called and asked if H wanted to come to the lake. He asked to talk to me. He asked if it was the kids idea or mine. I said the kids he said if you don't want me to go I said all right. Thought it was funny he said that. I said we did things together on the boat and it was the kids idea and you didn't want me to go. So we hung up and I felt bad so I called back and said I wanted him to go and he said thank you that was nice. I am learning he wants evrything opposite than the way he wanted or treated me..interesting. So Im gonna give him his space!!! This may just help. Only one way to see and that's try it.

I am such a control freak....I am learning so much ( at least trying) from all of this. If nothing,I hope
I will be a better person.

He's picking up his laundry tonight. The 4th is my day with the kids..I will let it come and go without asking him to join. If he does, then I will say he can join ONLY, if he basically invites himself :o}...

Thanks,
S

[NotAgainPlease]

Okay so much for that. He came over to get his laundry and was really nice. He came into the bedroom and sat on the bed and was just talking to me. He was just sitting there; the kids were in the other room. I kept thinking to myself this was different. He usually doesn't come in here. I don't even know why he came in there..in the beginning anyway. We talked then I sat down on the bed too. One thing led to another and ??? This was not my idea nor did I initiate it..That is supposed to be my new goal not to. Remember. Didn't take him long..I did say I'm sorry but I love you and he gave me a big hug and said I know you do..I know I wasn't supposed to do it but it just came out. I haven't just said it like that in soo long..
So the kids asked him tonight what he was going to do for the 4th. He said what are you doing they said we didn't know yet. He was kind of making excuses, like had to work?? He's self emp. and he was invited to a few parties. I said no big deal we will find something to do we have been invited a few places too. Poor kids they don't get it well either does Dad for that matter.
Well I (we) are not bringing it up again. He knows there was an invitation... If it was up to me I wasn't going to ask but the kids did so there went that. That's okay it didn't come from me.

[Nomopo]

Okay so much for that.

Why do you say that? Didn't sound too bad to me.

He came over to get his laundry and was really nice.

Good.

He came into the bedroom and sat on the bed and was just talking to me. He was just sitting there; the kids were in the other room. I kept thinking to myself this was different. He usually doesn't come in here. I don't even know why he came in there..in the beginning anyway.

Ok, so he is doing something different. So far, so good.

We talked then I sat down on the bed too. One thing led to another and ???

Ok, so who initiated? If it was him, and you are comfortable being intimate (which I think you said you were), then this fell within your plan. If you initiated, ok - learn from it, and get back on your plan. Don't beat yourself up.

This was not my idea nor did I initiate it..That is supposed to be my new goal not to. Remember.

So great. You followed you plan. What's the problem?

Didn't take him long..I did say I'm sorry but I love you and he gave me a big hug and said I know you do..I know I wasn't supposed to do it but it just came out. I haven't just said it like that in soo long..

Ok, no biggie. Minor backslide. Try not to do it again until he does. (Why'd did you say sorry? Were you telling him sorry for what I am about to say?)

So the kids asked him tonight what he was going to do for the 4th. He said what are you doing they said we didn't know yet. He was kind of making excuses, like had to work?? He's self emp. and he was invited to a few parties. I said no big deal we will find something to do we have been invited a few places too.

Great - you followed your plan here too!

Well I (we) are not bringing it up again. He knows there was an invitation... If it was up to me I wasn't going to ask but the kids did so there went that. That's okay it didn't come from me.

It's fine. You did good. We'll see what he decides. And in tghe meantime, start monitoring results. Watch him these next few days and see if you not initiating has any effect (positive or negative).

Nomopo

[NotAgainPlease]

As always. Thank you!!

No, I didn't initiate it but I think you said that. Yes I said sorry because I was going to say I love you. It was sweet though because he grabbed my face & hugged me. So I don't think it really bothered him..
Yep, I'll see what happens the next few days. Really no reason to talk tomorrow or Weds. for that matter. If he does that's fine but NOT MEEE! Gotta keep telling myself that.
S

[Nomopo]

That's right S! Stick to your plan! You're DBing big time now.

[NotAgainPlease]

:o}

[imLIN]

How old are your kids?...I ask because if they are old enough to understand the whole MLC thing...it is good to share the information here with them...but not actually showing them this sight...I printed out the MLC script...or something like that...it really helped my D understand why her dad was acting out like he was...she was angry with him so by sharing this it helped...for my other D who wasn't angry but more confused it helped her also...just an idea if you haven't done so already..

Also...since your kids like to talk to their dad so much and you are trying to go dark a bit...you might explain to them your plan...I did this...it helped my kids understand that I wasn't rejecting their father but that certain things that I would do or not do would hopefully bring about desired responses from him...

As for the "sorry I love you"...I think sometimes, when things are starting to go well it is good to remind them...even if they haven't forgotten...it is good for them to know they are still wanted...I did make it clear to my H when he began coming home that while I "wanted" him...I didn't "need" him...and I also wanted him emotionally healthy and happy...I think this wording, for my H anyway, helped take the pressure off of him...I made sure he knew I was going to be OK either way...but that I did indeed love him and wanted him home...but I didn't want things to be like they were...he was not happy, obviously because he left, and I was not happy with many things but didn't do anything to change them...our NEW marriage would have to be different...better...

I think things sound positive...my H held pretty tight to "I can never live with you again" "You haven't changed, it is who you are" "I can't handle the emotions of a relationship with anyone, especially you"...he pretty much kept up this front until weeks before actually coming home...and he was quite convincing...I think inside he wanted to come home...but was afraid...he needed time...and until he had that time he couldn't tell me what he was thinking because he would feel pressured to act...so it was easier for him to keep saying he couldn't do it...then it was to admit he was at least thinking about coming home...

So just hold your course...there will be tests...there will be doubts on your part...but just keep doing the DB'ing...GAL...and if he doesn't make a move for the 4th to be with the family...make sure you and the kids are gone to some fun thing...this will show him that "life goes on" without him, even for the kids...and make sure you tell the kids not to call him...to give him his space at least for that day...

Take care....Lin

[Nomopo]

Really good post Lin!

I especially like this insight:

I think things sound positive...my H held pretty tight to "I can never live with you again" "You haven't changed, it is who you are" "I can't handle the emotions of a relationship with anyone, especially you"...he pretty much kept up this front until weeks before actually coming home...and he was quite convincing...I think inside he wanted to come home...but was afraid...he needed time...and until he had that time he couldn't tell me what he was thinking because he would feel pressured to act...so it was easier for him to keep saying he couldn't do it...then it was to admit he was at least thinking about coming home...

So just hold your course...there will be tests...there will be doubts on your part...but just keep doing the DB'ing...GAL

Nomopo