I work with 80% guys. Guy that I share a cube with is also a friend pretty much. Myself and others from work have been to his house for get together and his wife was there and has joined us a couple of times for lunches.
His wife works this weekend 12 hour shifts. We have been talking about getting together to play chess. He invited me to come over so we can play. So ok. I do not have any reason to believe this is nothing more then chess. But with my past experiences with my xH be unfaithful I am affraid of whether I am crossing any lines. His wife knows I would be coming, his children would be around. So really it should be no big deal. But I am sensitive thanks to my past experiences.
Any thoughts on this? Am I over analyzing?
Neli
******************************* Both: 33 Together 13y; Married 8y Kids: DD8 and DS5 Separated: 08/31/06 D Filed: 2/21/07
Neli - I don't know your situation, but my gut tells me "don't go".
I learned the hard way once with a fellow student in grad school. This guy may have totally honest intentions, and obviously nothing would happen with his kids there - BUT - I just think it's safest if socializing with married members of the opposite sex is confined to situations that include the spouse. Why participate in something, however innocent, that might introduce a strain in their R? (Maybe she said it was okay, but really isn't okay with it. Maybe he's got a little crush on you, and will look at his wife in a more negative light afterwards?)
I'll admit, I was always very very relaxed about my H's friendships with other women; a big mistake that eventually came back to bite me in the behind.
PS - I think you wrote a nice note on AG's thread. She's just so defensive, she can't even accept a nice comment - you "just don't understand". I feel badly for her, and I don't think people should be asking her to leave. She seems so stuck in a defensive, victim mode.
I too work with a lot of men. Many of them are married and many of them are good friends.
When I socialize with a married male friend, I do so in a public setting, for example, a restaurant.
If there are other adults present, I am comfortable socializing in a married male friend's home.
I tend to stay away from private locations like a home - not b/c I believe anything will happen - but it may create an appearance of impropriety. And if there are issues in a marriage, it can lead to insecurities rearing their ugly head. And it can also be misconstrued by others and end up a source of gossip at the workplace.
Also in the event the male friend is going through issues in his M and may be feeling insecure. I do not like to be in an enviroment where there is event a remote possibiity that such a person may act on those insecurities.
I am with you on all accounts. I think even though I never want to be the OW, at times we are just put there without our choice. I don't believe there are issues in this marriage or anything like that but I just had this feeling that it would not be ok. So I needed advice.
A few times even his wife has made comment how him and I have so much in common. She does that in a joking matter but at times I have wondered whether there is more to it then just joking. And she is right. We have a lot in common but I would never want to be the OW. I guess I just need to be more aware.
Just when one struggle seems to be just a about over with another comes into place. We are always to learn and grow. Who knows what this next step in growing is.
Neli
******************************* Both: 33 Together 13y; Married 8y Kids: DD8 and DS5 Separated: 08/31/06 D Filed: 2/21/07
So I have been cleaning my basement. Many things that need to be sold on ebay. And it is time to get it done.
I think I am being tempted. My by the other evil side or maybe by God himself. I have always stood on my high chair and proclaimed that I would never do what the my H did. Or what the OW did. I would never be a negative impact to another's relationship. My question to my H was always why would you talk to a 'friend' from work when you are not at work. Unless of course it is work related. But nothing he ever needed to do was weekend related. Just not the job he has.
Here I am today. On the brink of being the OW. Why do I say that. I have so much in common with this guy. I have seen how his wife talks to him, at times treating him with not the amount of respect I think a wife should treat her H with, especially not in front of his coworkers. I see he IS a good H. He has not done anything to this point that would indicate a break in his promise to his wife and his marriage. He may have had thoughts, but I am not in control of that. I have so many times told my H that women like what he was representing. He was a good husband, devoted husband and father, has a good job. Everything a woman wants. And if a person is going through difficult time in her/his R, they look at what we don't have and they want it. I am not saying I want this guy. But I recognize the temptation. I so loudly want to scream at my H and tell him, I finally understand.
Neli
Last edited by neli; 06/24/0710:53 PM.
******************************* Both: 33 Together 13y; Married 8y Kids: DD8 and DS5 Separated: 08/31/06 D Filed: 2/21/07
Just wanted to stop by and say hello. I always follow your threads, just don't post much. Mostly look for guidance. Think you're doing great and got some great advice from ellie and AG.
They say drinking lowers your inhibitions, but that the only thing one drink lowers your inhibition to is, a second drink.
So while his kids are running around you and you're playing chess and having pleasant conversation, nothing is going on. Except that you will have established in your mind and his that it can be pleasant to spend time together.
What do you talk about with this guy? If you talk about current events or sports or work stuff, you're ok. If you two are talking about your divorce and his strained marriage, you are on the slippery slope towards an EA.
You are not an OW. You are not on the brink of being an OW. You will never be an OW. You are not having an impact on anyone's R.
Yes, there is an emotional intimacy that develops between co-workers based on shared experiences at work. And yes, that emotional intimacy can and does lead to inappropriate intimacy if people do not set proper boundaries in that R.
I have not followed your sitch. I am assuming your H had an affair and crossed that line. He was wrong.
Your friend's W may be insecure with your R with her H. That is an issue for them to discuss and resolve. It is not within your power to fix their M.
Do my male friends sometimes discuss their issues with their M? Sure. As their female friend, I usually give them their W's perspective. Or make suggestions to alter the dynamics of their R to improve their R. I make it clear that I am not available as an option or an alternative. I suspect you do the same thing. That is what friends do.
Do I see sometimes see W's treat their H's in a not so nice manner - especiallly in front of co-workers? Yes - it is weird. I have seen that and never really know what to say so I say nothing. If the H doesn't like it - he can go to C to figure out why.
You admire your friend for being a good H and a good father. He is perhaps an example of what you want from a future R. That is it! You would not have picked him as a friend if you did not respect him.
