"I really don't know, because it takes two people it seems like the lowest common denominator is the one that rules the relationship since you can't make one person feel anything they don't want to deal with, so the other person is forced to the same level in the relationship."
Here I think is the kicker... we feel "forced" or out of control. Because we are abandoned in reality by the spouse leaving the marriage. You have to go through the process and the steps I guess but in the end, no one is forcing us to stay with people who don't want us or don't treat us well. We can say we'll be married to them, and love them, and respect them, but we call also be true to ourselves, our values, and our needs, I think. I think it's just hard, plain and simple. When your spouse leaves, you go through the process, regardless of if they come back or not. Maybe the more we can educate ourselves on that process though, the better off we may be in dealing with it, however, we have feelings and emotions and some of it just has to "happen."
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
our spouses may be ill or lacking or confused because they are walking away from their marriages, however, we may be as well because we are clinging to them.
i think i really did a good job in the last year of getting a life and raising my pma, but i still was clinging to a marriage that was very broken. we talk about letting it go, letting our spouses go, but it isn't until we truly do that, that we can heal. and maybe in time then the marriage can heal too, but that again requires two people. and i think for many of us, it is very difficult to really let go and detach lovingly while still being physically and emotionally connected to the other person. i am not sure how the others do it. i couldn't and didn't.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
Abandonment--definitely a conscious and subconsious fear of mine, something I am wrestling with.
I agree that it isn't just about sex, but of being emotionally vulnerable and open, knowing that the WAS just doesn't have those feelings. The thought that brought me to a screeching mess this week was "He is not going to ever love me again."
I don't know where the thought came from; I was in the car, listening to a pretty off-topic, up song. But it washed over me, and brought me to a very bad place. It took a long time to process, and I did some reading / talking to IC about the stages of grief. The last one is acceptence.
And maybe the WAS is the one who needs for us to accept where they are, and separate their choices from our own.
Can you post an overview of the stages you mentioned in the Abandonment book? I'd bet they were similar to grief...
Donna, I guess maybe I'm not the right person to give advice right now. I personally wouldn't keep living with someone that wanted to not be committed to be and said so (been there done that and I don't know how that was respectful to me or him but hindsight is 20/20). I don't know how that sends yourself a positive message, your children a positive message, or your H a positive message about how to treat you. I know others will say "believe half of what you hear" but .... these types of things now to me just seem silly that we put up with them.
Anyway, I'm going to a friend's house for a goodbye party (joining the airforce) and to sit by the pool and chill for a few hours. Possibly out dancing after that.
Hope everyone has a relaxing evening. Be kind to yourself.
Last edited by galing; 06/23/0709:32 PM.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
Yeah, that thought makes me sick to my stomach, too. That's why I'm not sure I know what I want, myself, given the current "options." So, glad to have the time / space to think it through.
That's the plan. There is a lot to consider, in addition to the obvious: the financials, the kids, his parents, scheduling and partnership with all of the above, etc.
I think it is easier to get through life with two sets of hands. Now I just have to figure out if it is healthy for me, for the kids. I have to approach this as a friends-only thing for now--that is the reality of where he is. Can I do that?
Not sure yet. Trip, that's exactly what I am doing--taking the time for me, there is no crisis right now.
