Wasn't sure what to call this thread, so I just called it the phase I think I'm going through.
I've been reading the book Rebuilding by Fisher. Chapter 12 is called Transition and it has been really interesting. Something in it really resonated with me. It is basically about how someone transitions into adulthood. It talks a lot about how specifically some individuals are still going through that process in older years and when they live with someone who is more a parenting type, they rebel and go through that phase as an older person and the stages of that rebellion in order to create their individuality. Unfortunately they often push away their partner in the process because they blame them. It reminded me a lot of my relationship. The book Crazy Times too talks about too how a lot of affairs and marriage problems occur in relationships that have this dynamic. I think my husband and I had that dynamic. I don't think it was either of our faults, and I think you are often drawn to people the fulfill that need for you (maybe him needing someone more responsible and me needing someone less so in order to maintain the perfectionist/controlling factors in my life). At any rate, it is a dynamic that can be changed once recognized but it is one that can lead to this rebelling pattern that we see in many walk away spouses. Not saying that is the case for all walk away spouses, but I do think it sounded really fitting for my relationship.
If that "transition" period is fitting of what my H and I are going through, then the cool thing about it is that we are both growing up and gaining our individual identities through all of this and actually this process is about us both growing into adults. That is kind of exciting in a weird way. Out of fear, shock, and everything else, I have tried to control what happened in the last year, didn't give H space always, etc and I was making his actions about me and taking them personally (totally normal given the anger, pain, hurt, etc.). What would have been better would be to back off and realize that what he was/is doing was just where he's at right now, and that isn't really about me, but about him transiting and finding himself. If he comes out of that, it is pretty cool because it will mean he's grown into the man he wants to be. That man might not be someone I want to be with or that process may take years, and he may not continue his marriage during it, but either way, I do accept that it is a process and interesting. The scary part maybe right now is he seems stuck in the rebelling externally phase rather than the internal phase where you start to look at yourself and stop blaming others or acting out on others.
I recognize too, lately, that I am taking a lot of the "blame" for our marriage falling apart. It's hard when you are introspecting on it all and realizing what you did wrong, because the other person isn't doing the same (at least with you verbally) so you often seem to be taking the larger responsibility. I do really see it though as us both making mistakes, together, having a dynamic that needed tweaking, but in the end, I know he is the one that walked away and didn't come back to the table and that isn't about me. Both people have to be willing to look at themselves and the marriage and come back to working on it and in their time frame.
Just got a call from a college friend. She is having a baby this week, her 4th. Crazy how someone my age is on their 4th and I haven't begun and crazy to hear her talk about it. The grass is always greener... here I was thinking how grateful she should be for her blessings of 4 kids, and she was talking about how she can't believe she is going through the baby phase again and how she wanted to be there a year ago rather than now so the kids were closer in age since now the older ones are more self sufficient, yada yada yada. Just makes you realize again to appreciate what you have in your life. Everyone has dreams and desires and time frames they want things in. Life doesn't work that way. Need to have faith, appreciate, and live.
Got a call from a guy on my v-ball team. The other team, I used to play on, is going out tonight for drinks so they invited me with. I have class but I'm going to join them after that. I'm excited about that. I really like these people on my v-ball team and truly enjoy hanging out with them. I feel so blessed by all the friends I've made in the past few months. That is a definite area of growth for me. I used to be so succluded and dependant on my friendship with my husband and when that was taken away, I felt really alone but found quickly that I wasn't or wouldn't be alone. I make my life what it is.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
Nice stuff dana, some of what you have written should give you some pretty good peace. That is great.
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Everyone has dreams and desires and time frames they want things in. Life doesn't work that way. Need to have faith, appreciate, and live.
So true. Someone told me recently that God sent her on a path that she didn't think she was going to be taking and she said to him "but God, this isn't the plan I had for my life" then got a chuckle out of the fact that God was probably ROFL. Live in the minute. Fo sho.
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I felt really alone but found quickly that I wasn't or wouldn't be alone. I make my life what it is.
You girl draw people to you. You're finding that. Love you lots. Your light is awesome and people are lucky to know you. That is why the old vball team is tracking you down. Because you're AWESOME!!! Have lots of fun!
Thanks Julie. So true about the plan for life... roll with it, make it great.
You know what is cool? I have heard this a lot lately "You girl draw people to you." So, I am starting to really believe that and become that person too because it is being noticed and complimented. That is a good thing. I want to be that person.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
galing that is very interesting about that dynamic and the rebellion. I will have to pick up the books you mention as it does sound a bit like H and I. I just realize too that you and I also have the same amoutn of years in the R and M...small world huh.
I know what you mean about having friends that are in such a different stage. One of the girls I grew up with just had her 2nd child and another has three already. I have my pets but right now with the situation I'm not certain if or when I'll ever be at the stage of having children.
That is fantastic that you are making friends from the v-ball team.
Me: 31; H: 30 Together 11y; M 8y H left: 2/1/07 My Thread 1st Thread
Your words from those two books have described my W perfectly.
She's 37 - I've always been the caretaker - she recently bought a motorbike - going through a BIG transition stage.
Unfortunately this DID involve OM - but again I see this as a bandaid thing.
I have actually always GIVEN her her independence (as all her friends / family tell me) - supported every career change / whim / desire - but of course through her eyes at the moment - it doesn't look this way at all!
So what can you do - I'm GAL and watching her ruin hers. But that's her course to run - when she comes out of the tunnel - and she will - I may still be there - I may not...
Was a late night. I went out after class with friends from v-ball. There were about 6 of us (1 new person who was fun). It was a good time but I didn't get home until around 2. One of the girls actually stayed over night because she wanted to be safe and not drive. We got to talking when she was here and she started telling me about her exboyfriend. He slept with her best friend and she got 3 STDs as a result. I am still amazed at how many stupid mistakes people make and how they hurt the people they care about. Yuck yuck yuck. Still freaks me out sometimes regarding my own body, and hoping my H has told me the truth that there wasn't a physical affair, but I'll continue to get tested to make sure I am healthy and okay. Really sad that someone puts you in a position where you have to question that.
Anyway, aside from that conversation, which was good in a sense that I always appreciate when other women open up to me and trust me in that manner, the night was a blast. Laughed a ton! They invited me out dancing on Saturday night so I think I might do that.
I'm going to relax today. Go to the coffee shop and read some books. Tomorrow I'm going to another divorce class. I've gone to a few through a women's organization in town. It helps me feel more prepared should that be the road we go down. On Sunday, H and I are meeting to talk. I've been having conversations with myself regarding responses I might make to various things he could say, just to ensure that I am not 1) making You statements, 2) being true to me, 3) not telling him what he thinks, feels or should, 4) not mind reading 5) not taking it personally and making it about me and 6) just really listening and sitting back and taking it in.
I've realized this during the course of this week. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. I used to know that I wanted to save this marriage. While I still believe in marriage and myself and my faith, I think I don't know what I want because I based wanting to save my marriage and work on it on the idea that I wanted to be with this man, liked who he was, and knew who he could be. I think I'm now adjusting that to look at who he is right now and accept that and figure out what that means. I think it means, I don't know what I want. It means, I won't know until I get to know him again, see who he is now, and if that is who he is going to remain to be.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
Hey Dana! I LOVE your first post and totally relate to it. I think I may need to pick up that book. Sounds a lot like an MLC description...but perhaps it is more looking at it like a MLTransition. Although your Hs (and my Ws) could be an MLC. Very interesting.
So glad to hear about you getting out and having fun. You SO deserve that. Really, really happy for you right now.
As far as Sunday...I think #6 is the most important on your list. He wanted this conversation...let him control it...you just take it in and if you are unsure on what he means...ask him to explain it more. Very important. Good for you hun!
very interesting reading for me this morning. That book puts a whole other spin on things, that's for sure.
As for your husband, I think you are right in not wanting him for who he is now. Obviously, he isn't behaving like the kind of man you would want. Unless things change, you are right in question just what you want for you and for your life. The kind of people you want in it and surrounding you.
I just went through all of my db posts since I joined the site in fall. It is crazy to look back at the past 8 months and the last year. So many positives have come out of the year but really I was looking back in the journaling to get a sense I guess of patterns. I don't have the energy to post about them right now but I will later. I definitely saw some regarding my behavior and Hs. I'm going to go take a bath and pamper myself some. That was a lot to read.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
I've realized this during the course of this week. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. I used to know that I wanted to save this marriage. While I still believe in marriage and myself and my faith, I think I don't know what I want because I based wanting to save my marriage and work on it on the idea that I wanted to be with this man, liked who he was, and knew who he could be. I think I'm now adjusting that to look at who he is right now and accept that and figure out what that means. I think it means, I don't know what I want. It means, I won't know until I get to know him again, see who he is now, and if that is who he is going to remain to be.
It is like you took the words right out of my head and wrote them here! I have been feeling the same exact way lately. It can be a scary place to be at times but you seem to have a good handle on it all and of course a great outlook. Good luck with meeting him on Sunday and I hope it is a successful visit with the outcome being whatever is best for you and your M.
