I'm really glad that you are heading in a good direction here.
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I think I do want to pursue whatever this may be with my new/old "friend". She's fun, smart, pretty and makes me feel good. Is it a re-bound? Maybe. Will it lead to anything...maybe, maybe not. But you know what...it makes me feel good right now and I think I deserve that at this point.
I'm glad you've found something that makes you feel good. You DO deserve that, absolutely. And like Ian says, the big goal here is to start out w/ great communication w/ her so that no one ends up hurt. Have fun, but always stay upfront w/ her and yourself about your feelings.
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I don't want to be angry with her and I hope she can let go of some of the anger she has for me. I hope we can be friends and coparent together.
I think this is a healthy attitude, to hope you can remove the anger from your Rs. But I just want to remind you that even though you have to coparent together and will do an AWESOME job, it isn't always possible to keep that 'friend' context in there. There has been a lot of pain and betrayal. The WASs I know are selfish and egocentric. They might not be deserving of a friendship and I don't want you to keep putting yourself out there for disappointment and hurt from her when you think of her as a friend and she thinks of you as someone who will pick up the slack w/ the kids or whatever. She has guilt now, but give her some time on her own with the debt paid off and her new life. I just want you to realize that it may not be possible to be friends without compromising yourself. There may be times when you have to be tough on her, or call out her actions regarding the kids and that is really difficult to do if you are trying to be friends. Just a reminder that your first responsibility is to your kiddos and any potential friendship might have to take a backseat to their well-being.
That said, doesn't mean you can't work the friendship thing out, especially if you are motivated. But she may not want to be friends either and that is ok. You WILL be fine, you WILL floursih. You're life is going to be great. Good luck w/ the friendship angle. I really hope you're one of the lucky ones that can work that out.
Feel like I'm rambling here so I'm off. But have a great day. You're attitude is really great. You seem happier than you have in a long time and that is something that makes me smile. Take care, S2H. It's your time to shine.
Good morning swash. Geez you thread got long in a hurry. I read all of it since my somewhat intoxicated post last night.....lots of good advice on here. Its good to have friends!
Lunch! Having a fabulous Burrito btw. Ran out and grabbed my little girl something for her dance recital tonight. YAY.
Ok...so not sure I have time to post to everyone here but let me throw some stuff out there.
Maybe Friend is the wrong term...although I would like that. I guess I will treat her in a friendly manner and if she can continue do the same...great. I say continue because we are friendly to one another. Yet there is a tension...and i do hope that can go away.
And if I am up to the task...I will treat her like a friend. Ask how she is doing, ask about her life, take an interest in her, etc. There may be times where I am unable to do that...and that is ok. I'm certainly not obligated to do that...and she is not currently doing it for me.
Ben - never said her affair was "ok". It is not...not by a long shot. But it happened and there is nothing I can do about that t change it. So I do need to accept it and move on from it. It is just healthier for me not to treat her with resentment. Where does that get me?
The goal is to at least be friendly (currently doing) and maybe someday be friends....yet to be seen. And maybe that can't happen for years. Who knows.
SOTS - I know I will get angry and resentful - how could I not...but you are right...I do not wish to live my life that way. And I see that. I see people who live their lives in missery because they can't let go of the hurt their X did to them. Just not who I want to be.
I have forgiven myself for my actions. I have to...because I have to live with myself and therefore I need to accept myself - the good and the bad. But I also do not want to forget my mistakes because I do not wish to re-live them. And, btw, my kids have seen WAY too much angry.
I'm obviously not going to be a saint and I WILL get angry. But I guess I'd rather aim high so to speak.
I'm sure I'm missing stuff...but kicking this dead horse is making me tired.
Just sounded like you were accepting her excuses for the A.
Glad you changed your idea about the word friend. In a friendly manner is more appropriate for now at least. Like I said who knows what is going to happen tomorrow. So as long as she is treating you respectful it is your duty to do the same.
You are doing great Scott.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Buddy, I got nothing to add other than, it takes a helluva man to not only wade through that stuff, but also show it to everyone in order to find more errors if they're there. No wonder you make Ty's nipples boingy.
WHAT!?!? Sorry buddy...maybe it is the lack of sleep...but you're confusing the hell out of me on that one.
Aaaight. Got it. Thanks man. I have to say this whole inner mirror, self analysis stuff is something that I was once very good at for a guy. But boy, in my dark days....it was just gone...100% gone. Looking back it is scary how F'd up I was and I couldn't even see it. I wasn't even on my own radar if that makes any sense. I really didn't think anyone gave a flyin' sh!t how I acted...as long as I "did" what I had to do. Little did I know huh? The whole time it was destroying my M and I really had no Fing clue. So sad.
If you answer is NO then it is not all your fault. We all get so tied up in everyday routines as parents and husbands that we forget about ourselves and do not see what we are doing wrong and or right. Just becomes a motion and a daily routine.
Get up Take a shower Come home Eat Go to bed.
Day in and day out not realizing we are neglecting the important aspects of our lives. This is where someone need to just say hey WTF do you think you are doing or please understand what is going on here.
I know from expierience that my STBXW did not say anything and I know I had my own faults that I did not see and if she would have just came out and said it I would have worked through them. But she did and I did not realize. It was the whole communication gap between man and woman I guess.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Nope...not really. A couple of "please don't talk to me that way"'s. And actually pre-bomb her C suggested she do that..and I responded. But what I really needed was a..."We're going to end up Dd if you don't knock this sh!t off!" I just need my eyes opened. Unfortunately what opened my eyes was a cell phone bill...and my W telling me she had fallen in love with another man.
She just wasn't strong enough to do it....partly because I had beaten her down so much.
But yes...I did just get into that cycle of plowing through life...3 kids in 2.5 years was not easy..especially with a depressed W who I unfortunately didn't feel like could really handle our kids...so I was always trying to "be there"...but while I was there I was a jerk.
What can I say...it is what it is. I tried to do it all and made myself misserable and she never woke me up like she should have. BUT...I am still responsible for myself and my own actions in the end.
OK...off to my D's dance recital. Actually just a fun little text back and forth about fast food with the W. I'l catch up with ya'll in the am.
Wow, looks like I have missed one hell of a post-a-thon! I'm gonna try to catch up on the convo a bit here, but let me just cut to the chase:
I agree with Scott.
One thing that struck me reading over the above was how many folks posted, in effect, Sure, I was responsible for all the bad stuff in the relationship... right up until my spouse had the affair. That was all HIS/HER choice and I had nothing to do with it. Sorry, gang - I completely understand where that's coming from - but that's wrong. The affair is PART of the relationship too. We helped create the environment - whether it was by neglect, or abuse, or whatever - that led to it. Our spouses didn't get to the point where they looked outside of our marriages without plenty of unwitting help from us.
Yeah, they pulled the trigger and did it. Yeah, that's a really horrible thing. Yeah, it's a sin if you're into that religious interpretation of things. But that choice of theirs was not made in a vacuum. It was made in the context of a marriage that was failing, and by definition we co-created that context with them. In my opinion (take it for what it's worth), we are equally responsible for this, just like every other problem in the relationship.
I think it was that realization that allowed me to really, truly forgive my wife for the affair. And I did - way back before there was any indication that she would give our marriage another chance. In fact, I firmly believe that that forgiveness, at that stage of the game, was the main thing that made my success story possible.
Now, before you jump my sh!t, I want to say that forgiveness does NOT mean saying it's OK that you did that or that didn't hurt me deeply. And it does not mean I'm going to be a doormat, either.
It does mean that I understand my part in what went wrong - EVERYTHING that went wrong - but that I'm not going to hold onto the pain and the resentment and the anger. As Scott says, that's not who I want to be.
My forgiving W also means that I am able to wait while she fixes her own problems, using my best buds Time and Patience. Even today, she's still pretty unhappy and messed up in a lot of ways. She's still waaaaay behind me in some aspects of personal growth and self-understanding. I'm not setting deadlines for her to "get it" and I'm also not saying I can do this forever. But for right now, I choose to continue hanging in there and hoping and helping where I am able.
Scott also talked about unconditional love, and got some feedback about how, yes, he should detach - but, no, he shouldn't do it lovingly. Again, I disagree. Loving detachment is what makes it possible for Scott, when it's all said and done, to look back on all of this and say "I'm sorry things didn't work out as we hoped, but no matter what path you end up taking, I can still be your friend for the sake of what we once felt and for the sake of our kids." That's not being a doormat - that's being one hell of a man.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Rob, I will simply ask this one question of you because it is fairly obvious that you and I differ on this subject matter.
Do you believe that the loving detachment should continue on if theh spouse is continuing the relationship with the individual that they had an affair with?
