I need help in setting goals, We are S, and pending D, she has a OM, she says she is pregnant with his child, she is a WAW, we only have contact when it has to do with the kids, Please read my story at
There are a few goals I can come up with right now. Mind you they are kind of vague, and in no particular order.
1. She will call me and talk to like a human being. 2. She will stop running from me, (I am no longer pursuing her) 3. She will be curious about me and my life. 4. She will get rid of the OM (obviously) 5. She will listen to and be a better mom to the kids, and always put them first. 6. She will stand up for me, when others put me down. 7. She will stop the D, and take time to fight for the M 8. She will remember what our R used to be, but want it to be better than it ever was. 9. She will remember me during special occasions, and holidays, (My B-day and Father's day went by without even so much as a card or a Happy B-day, or Happy Father's day wish from her, Stupid me, when I was pursuing her, sent her flowers on Mother's day) 10. She will stop trying to hurt me, and start trying to make it up to me.
Well, that is all I can think of, Please read my story and tell me what you think of these, and what other goals you can suggest Thanks.
Since I got the goals confused with signs, and I now know they are pretty much out of my control, I now have made a new list, still in no particular order.
1. I will be a better person, and do everything I can to achieve my happiness. 2. I will remember that I am in control of my emotions. 3. I will only speak to her about the well being of my children and property, and no longer talk about the R, M,(cause they no longer exist) S, D, OM or baby that she is carrying, or her money troubles, (as I have now made this quite clear to her) I know those are issues that anger, hurt, give me false hope and put me back on the emotional roller-coaster ride. 4. I will have fun and laugh more. 5. I will stop worrying about the legal D, and how I am going to stop it, or fight it. 6. I will work toward achieving my financial goals, like get a job that I will enjoy, and attending school. 7. I will play video games, write and record songs, go back to work on putting together a CD. 8. I will be more involved with my brother's plan to start a car club. 9. I will get rid of my hunk of a junk truck and get a better vehicle. 10. I will get out of debt, by paying the loans that I have had to take out due to this whole sitch. 11. I will take life, one day at a time. 12. I will work on the R's that do exist, God, my kids, my family and friends. 13. I will be proud that I am who I am, and for what I have accomplished. 14. I will take better care of myself. 15. Even though, I already have given up all hope on her and saving the non-existent R, I will not give up hope on me.
I'm a newbie here but i think this is a great idea my H has already moved out and said yesterday he wants to file so I wish i would have discovered this before but all I can do is give it my best shot now!
my goals: 1. To become friends again *He will show an interest in my day or the children *Smile at me * I want to make him laugh again
2. For him to give up the other woman *He will stop contacting her while he has the kids *He will come clean about her(he still denies affair even though I have proof in black and white)
3. For him to come home *He will mention missing home or being a family *He will want to talk more to me
I'm a newbie here too, but I wanted to mention one thing to you that I noticed about your list. Almost everything on it is a sign that things would be improving, but they are not actually things that YOU can do.
Perhaps you might want to check out the threads about how to set goals.....my understanding is that your goals should be concrete actions that YOU can make.
For example, you cannot make him come clean about the OW. But you CAN stop mentioning her to him.
Divorce Busting works on the principle that we must stop trying to change the other person, that we can only change ourselves. Then they most likely will change their behavior/attitude as a result of our changes.
1, I will stop pushing and give her the space she needs 2, I will get out of my office and spend time where my family are 3, I will make a list of little things I need to do (around the house) 4, I WILL be patient 5, I will be supportive 6, I will realise my feelings are mine, she does not need my worries as well as her own 7, I will get fitter, worry about my looks and meet new friends
Goals for W 1, Begin to see what I should be and not what I am 2, Hold me because she want to rather than because she thinks I need it 3, Get out with her fiends, trust that I support and encourage this 4, Stop living for everyone else all the time. Spend a little time for herself 5, Want to be with me, want my company 6, Know that its OK to say that she does not want my company 7, For her to be happy again. (I know its very general, but it is a goal) 8, To want to say with me and grow with me
Hello All, * I will laugh daily. * I will feel and act as though the OW does not exist. * I will remember that I am worthy of love and have been loved and will be loved again. * I will avoid having a MLC myself. * I will spend time with my children daily. * I will dress and groom as though I will run into my ex boyfriend. Haha. * I will remain upbeat and positive. * I will clean, sort,organize, journal if curiosity about affair and betrayal arises. * Avoid talks about Divorce, reminiscing, house, relationship, love. * I will listen twice as much as I speak. * Make physical contact on skin daily. * Make eye contact and hold it longer. * Avoid phone conversations. * Agree. * Remember boundaries. * Go to the movies.
Thanks!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
There we go: I finally set my goals! This was kind of a hard thing to do coz H and I are entwined on so many levels - private and work - that not only be LRT can be applied - although he moved out already. I sorted out quite a lot of goals though:
Body&Soul: - I want to do weekly counselling - I want to start Bikram Yoga Classes (2 times a week) - I want to spend at least 2 afternoons during the week with my daughter (going swimming, going to gym together) - I want to eat regularly and more healthy, keep my weight and make my body look healthier - I want to have one date a week with one of my old friends - I want to use my new cosmetics to make my skin look smoother - I want to try out new hairstyles - I want to always look perfect when I leave the house - I want to clean the house more regularly (get rid of stuff I never use) - I want to get the new flat I visited yesterday - I want to give myself a treat every day
Career: - I want to get the parttime job I applied for (interview tomorrow) - I want to expand my free application-training and off
unfortunately this thing keeps cutting my post! So here's the rest of my goals:
Career: - I want to get the parttime job I applied for (interview tomorrow) - I want to expand my free application-training and offer longer training and more effective training units for money - I want to start the SBTherapy-training in November and then be able to work as a SBTherapist by next September.
Bar (my tasks): - I want to extend the website of the Bar and make it more informative and always up to date - I want to hand in our events to the press in time - I want to spend one afternoon/night a week taking only care of the PR of the Bar
Bar (working with H): - I want to have only one weekly business meeting - I want to avoid visiting the place out of my work times when he is working as often as possible - I want to be nice and friendly with him during we spend time there together - I want to NOT comment if he is drinking more than I think he should (act as if it did not bother me) - I want to kindly ask him to leave if he sticks around there longer than he's needed during my work times
Him (on private level):
- I want to trust him in sorting things out himself. Will not offer help. - I want him to babysit my daughter only once a week (will try to organize other babysitter options for the second nightshift) - I want to try out to play squash with him regularly once a week (counsellors idea, H likes it) - I want to stay detached in situations in which the OW is involved (phonecalls, nights I know he's dating her) - I want to not ask him questions about his plans - I want to not make too many suggestions about how we could run our Bar together more effectively - I want to not initiate talk about alcohol and drinking with him on a private level neither - I want to go dark in most situations possible (even if it is just to leave the room when I recieve a phonecall) - I want to become more mysterious to him and to not reveal all my "new" feelings and experiences to him - I want to make him laugh - I want him to start missing me - I want him to want to become physical with me again (more of a long term goal) - I want him to realize that "loving someone" does not for all moments of the R need to mean "being in love" with someone. But that in the end "loving" is the higher cause. - I want him to want me back (so much that he will be able to handle his drinking problem by himself and not see any OW any longer) -> long term goal.
Basically: only spend time together when we MUST be spending time together. When we do, I'll be sexy, stunning, relaxed, self-centered & cool. Will not give more information than needed on time I spend "without" him.
I am a newcomer. I explained my story in a different area of the forum, I think one can search for it. I have read up to step 6 of the Divorce Remedy book. However, I am having a hard time setting specific goals since my wife is the one that moved to an apartment.
There was no infidelity in our marriage, there was just a lack of communication, a lack of emotional support from me given to her, and we were always fighting and arguing often times with me getting so frustrated and angry that I just threw my hands up and said what the heck, lets just divorce. Well I never wanted that, I was just so frustrated and angry I gave up the argument. I know I lack communication skills and argument skills. But I never wanted a divorce.
I am having a hard time focusing to set goals since the only thing I really would like is for her to be back in my life. I also understand that this is not going to happen right now.
Please if anyone reads this and decides to read my other posts giving a general description of the problems, please help me to determine some specific goals so that I too can develop a better relationship with my wife.
