I heard that, Swashy. Just do your thing (PMA and GAL), and don't try to mindread her. When she is ready to communicate, trust me, she will let you know. For now, just do what works for yourself.
When you act as if everything on your end is pleasant and happy, even if you have to fake it, it will make you more attractive to her and maybe slowly start to wake her up to warm up to you.
yeah, you guys are right. time to chill, try to relax. need to let go of the situation.
I truly need to get into some more things. Need to do some more yard work. Also looking around this house, it sure could use a real cleaning. And I will get to it. But for now I shall get me some sleep as I have to work tonight....all night.
I know you want to "fix" this. I know that you want to figure it out and do everything you can to make this work. Unfortunately in this crazy backwards dbing world...the thing that is going to give you the best chance of fixing this...is to just leave it alone and focus on fixing YOU. Make yourself whole again. It is SO hard NDDT and frankly, I think you have done an amazing job to date. There are no guarantees in this but there are things you can do to help improve your odds...but they all have to do with you. Keep at it...you're doing really good.
I'm so afraid that she'll take my actions as if I am okay with a D
I told my wife that I don't agree with her, but I can't stop her and she will have to do it.
She filed a year ago and has done nothing else since.
They ALL say what your W is saying. It's blather. You are not agreeing to a D by saying I don't agree but I can't stop you. You don't have to help her by agreeing to it. Just make her do the footwork and see what happens.
Take the word divorce out of your vocabulary. Never bring it up.
No 'IMYs' 'ILYs' or anything like that. All she will hear is whine, whine, whine.
These techniques keep you from making the situation worse, which is your main concern. The less she can complain about you, the more she has to look inside herself. Someone who is being chased runs faster. Don't chase and she won't run so hard. This is KEY!
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
I guess I have a slightly different take NDDT. Consider it for whatever it's worth.
Originally Posted By: NoDontDoThis
We did have some daughter scheduling talk. I did thank her for the fathers day present. I asked her if she had had her hair done as I thought that it looked real good.
I also asked her if she wanted to attend my work picnic with me and daughter in July, and she did turn that one down. That was probably one I should have left alone, but I did it in a light way, was probably some pressure, but I guess I did get the message across that I am still willing..... Now I guess I need to leave it be.
Ok, so you tried three four new things, right? They may all be part of the same strategy (be light, upbeat, positive, try to create some positive interactions). Now, time to analyze how she reacted immediately, and then watch for results over the next few days or even week. And I wouldn't abandon the strategy now and go completely DRAK again, solely focusing on yourself. Let's look at what you did:
First, you tried to have a better PMA and external attitude, right? How did she respond, if at all? (You should definitely keep this up for a while.)
Second, you thanked her for the Father's Day card. Any immediate reaction? Keep an eye out for other later reactions. I'd still with this strategy too. Don't force it, but thank her when you can for calling about D, doing stuff with D, whatever you can think of that she does that you appreciate.
Third, you complimented her hair. I liked that one. Any reaction at the time? Keep an eye on her, and I wouldn't hesitate to try this strategy a few more times over the next few weeks. Is this her LL?
Fourth, you asked her to the picnic. Probably too much right now, but you realized it. No biggie, minor backslide. But you learned - she said no. Put this one the shelf.
Originally Posted By: NoDontDoThis
I did notice that she did look pretty tired. Like that she was not sleeping well, and perhaps sad.
I think this is what Swashy and Chevelle are responding to when they say don't overanalyze her. You can't get in her head. Stop worrying about this kind of stuff. That doesn't mean you shouldn't monitor the results of your new behavior around her.
Originally Posted By: NoDontDoThis
I suppose at this point I have no indication that our situation is escalating, so maybe no news is good news? I dunno.
I'd say so. It seemed like it was getting worse for a while.
Originally Posted By: Chevelle
Just do your thing (PMA and GAL), and don't try to mindread her. When she is ready to communicate, trust me, she will let you know. For now, just do what works for yourself.
I agree with all this, but I still say look for results, anything different, in how she reacts to your new strategies. And give them time to work. Going dark didn't seem to be successful, agreed? So, for now, just do what works for you but see if it works for her too. And if it doesn't, is there something else that works for you that you could try to see if it works for her better? Get it?
Originally Posted By: Chevelle
When you act as if everything on your end is pleasant and happy, even if you have to fake it, it will make you more attractive to her and maybe slowly start to wake her up to warm up to you.
Agree 100%. I think the strategy will be good for you. What's the worst thing that could happen? Your M fails (note; if that's the case, then it probably would have any way despite you being positive, happy and upbeat), and you guys get along reasonably well and both do the best you can vis-a-vis your awesome D.
Just my 2 cents, Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
NDDT, next time an event comes up that you would like her to join, try saying it like this: hey, thinking about joining child and I at the 4th of July picnic. That way you are not asking her for an answer right away. My DB coach told me to stop the persuit and chase and give them permission to stop running. Once they stop running the will stop and watch. He gave me a senerio....always have a fun picnic going on in your life but don't invite them to join. Make them watch and wonder what all the laughter is about. Instead of running, they will take a few steps closer to get a better look. It is much like small children at a public playground. If there is a shy child they are unlikely to join the others if they feel pressure to join the group. If they are ignored, they eventually move towards the group at their pace, therefore, it was their decision and that is safe for them.
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
Well the next event I was considering was the 4th of July fireworks. I was kinda thinking along the lines, "Me and daughter are going to the fireworks, if you want to come along, you are invited........"
I guess I will see where we are at in 2 weeks before I even throw that one out. This could be a hard one for her though, as when we figured back she thinks that our daughter was concived after the fireworks 6 years ago..........
Swashy said, "I know you want to "fix" this. I know that you want to figure it out and do everything you can to make this work. Unfortunately in this crazy backwards dbing world...the thing that is going to give you the best chance of fixing this...is to just leave it alone and focus on fixing YOU." I do agree with statement.......and need to continue working on that effort.
One of the hard things for me is sometimes I vacillate so much. I want this fixed now....or ended now. I need to be more patient. It is hard though, because this journey is so lonely at times. I did consider my wife to also be my best friend, and I do miss that part so much too. Just having someone to have a conversation with.
Nomo.......your in depth analysis does help me so much. I appreciate it. I have to admit that sometimes I worry that you spend so much time helping me and others that you are neglecting yourself and your own situation. Of all the people on here, you are the one that I would like to someday have a phone conversation with.
I also feel guilty that I do not offer more "advice" to other people, and that is probably a self esteem thing, but I feel I am in a place where I dont have alot to offer.
Aww I have to get the work boots on and out the door so I am not late for work. Take care people.
