Stillme's Chapters Continue Some More

[stillme]

So, 16 days to kill a thread, huh? That's gotta be some kind of record. Here's the next installment of my sitch, a link to the prior one(Stillme's Chapters Continue): http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1070715&page=2&nt=8&fpart=1

and a repeat of the BRIEF Recap:

IDLY Bomb: end/Oct.'06
D Bomb: end/Nov.'06
H was to move out Jan.07, but Dbing begun 1/5/07 &
H stayed in home (as friendly roommate w/occasional benefits).
In mid-March '07, b/c of disagreement/control issues re: my getting a FT legal sec'y job (H's want) vs. (my pref) pursuing Pilates instructor career, I told H he needed to move out & he left that wkend (moving into an apt across the street).
Since that time, H has been consistently angry & ugly, or avoids/ignores me (with a FEW minor breaks for 'nice' interactions).
H's anger is financially-based.
To date No D Papers have been filed

**************************************************************

Still Dim, and doing well w/it for the most part, tho it is scary. Had the thought this eve that this (non-interaction) might make it easy for H to fully w/draw from me/M & (finally!) take whatever steps he's been preparing for these past 6 mo. but hadn't been ready (for whatever reason) to implment. Quickly Stop-Signed the thought, tho, reminded myself he can & will do whatever he wants, and remembered some journaling & stuff.

Thanks, all, for following my sitch and the advice & support you've given (priceless!) and welcome to anyone new.

Last night we had a funeral for Ruby. D found her quite dead in her box and became inconsolable. Who knew she was so attached to a hermit crab?! I'm sure there were alot of other reasons she was so upset, sobbng that it was "all her fault", and she should have played w/it more before she didn't have the chance any more, and that maybe she's not responsible enough to hve a pet. My poor baby. I sat w/her on my lap for a while, drying her tears and letting her cry (and NOT saying the "It was only a crab, J." that was my initial thought), and then we buried Ruby in the dirt off the bck patio, marked her grave w/the colored seashells from her box, and D said a sweet prayer asking God to take care of Ruby for her now.

This morning I went to the jiu jitsu tournament at S's (& H's) studio at 9am. H called at 8:30 saying he had run out of space on the camcorder dvd - the one I gave him maybe 10 days ago - and would I bring another. He met me at the doorway of the studio & that's the only interaction I had w/him for 2+hrs. S sparred really very well. He's getting more aggressive w/it - Probably a combo of his age, experience, enjoyment w/it overall, but def. competition-fueled as well, and maybe a bit of the sitch thrown in, too. I chatted w/alot of the moms(a/o friends) as well as the (new & chatty) dad. At one point I was heading to the restroom & had to walk the narrow space between the mat (where sparring was going on) & people sitting on the floor against the wall. Just as I made a teasing comment to a dad/friend & stepping over his legs [Oh, and he was sitting 2 people down from H] & I looking back over my shoulder at him (dad/friend) the next guy moved his feet & I stepped on his toes - threw me off balance & he caught me w/2 hands at my waist (this is the guy on the other side of H) & I realized that the 2 mat-combatants had suddenly rolled to exactly where I was (That ws why guy moved his feet). They were in danger of rolling off the mat, and the ref [NJ cop friend/instructor] was trying to block their roll & stay out of their way - and we were all in the same small square of space at the same time. It only took seconds, but - gee - what weird timing. The guy who had held my waist (I don't know his name, but I know he & H are jj buddies) lifted his 2 hands away palms up & said some thing funny (can't remember what!) & action resumed. LoL. I didn't look at H once during the whole thing.

Both D & S had new gifts from H & happily showed them off to me. D has a (her 2nd!) Juicy Couture purse (and for those not in on trendy women's fashions, let me just say I don't own - and cannot justify - a Juicy purse!) and S has a Nintendo DX or DS or whatever. (These both from the same H who told me that washing my own damm dishes would help him not stress about our financial sitch. ) When S showed me how the thing worked - Okay, I don't enjoy these type things myself and am totally ignorant about them [and happy to remain so] generally, but when he showed me the Chat Room capabilities & couldn't give me an answer I understood about who exactly he could/would be chatting w/, I walked all the way across the room to ask my friend (her S had been trying to answer my ques. as well, but not being very clear either) - even tho H was standing not 6 ft away w/some other guys watching a match. After I got an answer from friend & her H & rejoined S, chatty-dad tells me "I just asked your hubby, and he said...". Doesn't mean much, and I probably just wasted a bunch of time & energy typing this, but it went along w/my being Dim and not going to H to initiate convo, w/the added bonus of H realizing as well that I didn't go to him w/my question.

Stayed at tournament until noon. (H sparred, tho purposely didn't move from my chair & couldn't see him.) Soon before he left, H made a few casual comments to me about the kids (don't remember what now), asked if I had "major plans" for this eve as he would probbly have to go in to work for a little while (asking w/o actually ASKING if I was avail. to watch the kids) & I said that I could take the kids w/me if I ended up going out, told the kids to "Go kiss your mama" just b/f he left w/them & that was that.

I went out w/friend [+ her friend as well] & had a great lunch, lots of talk (only some about my sitch), laughing, fun & plans to do it often. Afterwards I went to the mall & spent alot of time trying to find a sundress for the party tomorrow. Shopped & talked on my cell w/friend back in TX most of the time. At home I heated leftovers for supper, did some (Pilates) computer work & then got a call from H asking if he could bring the kids by for a few hrs. They were here from 7:00 to just after 9pm, and I FELL ASLEEP for an HOUR holding D as they watched Disney Channel! Woke up w/i the min. b/f H knocked on the door to take them back. Don't even remember what he said, but it wasn't rude or ugly: Oh, except when D was testing/fussing & saying "I don't want to go. I want to stay here." & holding/burying her face in my lap, H said (teasingly & probably not meant ugly) "You just don't want to leave your t.v. show." I just told her "Give me a kiss & find your shoes." told her I'd call ehr tomorrow (She had told me that H wasn't "letting" them go to church w/me b/c it was F'Day) &, as she did, H was saying how he might have to work some eve Mon/Tues ("his" nights) - intimating that he may need me to watch the kids again - again w/o actually using a question mark. I just said "okay" & let it go. (That's when I had the scary-thought about DIM making it easy for H to walk to The End now.)

After church in the morning, I'm going to friend A's afternoon dinner party (lots of her family plus misc friends).

And that's my day.
So, basically, status quo some more - which is surely better than the Ugly that was 2 wks ago.

[Gone Dancin']

stillme,

I've been working hard to catch up on your sitch since I last posted a few weeks ago -- your threads certainly do move fast, don't they ! I was sad to see more of the same from your H in terms of his ugliness (but like some have said, couldn't help but occasionally laugh at his transparency!). I know you're concerned about going dim the way you have, but have you taken a gut check and looked at whether or not this is a cheeseless tunnel? Is it better than the old tactics or not and why?

Gonna stay up-to-date with you now -- stay strong and motivated!

Nick

[stillme]

Thanks, Nick, and welcome to my world. lol

Going Dim as a Cheeless Tunnel? I hadn't considered that, but certainly there was no cheese in the interactions H & I were having for the weeks prior to Dim starting last week. W/the easing of the Ugliness by, well, quitting most of the interaction/words btwn us, I (and probably H as well) am able to breathe & not live so emotionally (My detaching was taking huge hits during that time). Now, instead of H throwing darts or outright spew and me being (mostly, lol) calm & detached (which actually may have made him even MORE apt to spew - Did you ever try ot argue w/someone who refused to engage? Makes you nuts, huh?) we are pretty much even-ing out emotionally; I'm better able to SHOW the Better Me/180's & focus on me; and H may (or may not --?) feel eased as well.

Even so, I just remembered that H took just an extra moment to catch my eye as he stood in the doorway before leaving jj this morning (I rarely look him fully in the face & only make min. eye contact) & say "I'll see you [or was it 'talk to you'?] later." He did the same thing only it was just a eye-catch thing when he left this eve.

So, my conclusion is that Dim is working for me (us) - for now. Thanks for checking in w/me - and LOVE the new name btw - tho I was a bit confused for a little while !

[sunshine74]

Stillme:
Just a question for you, I was wondering if you regret asking H to move out??? If so Why?? If not why??

Thanks,
Sunshine74

[SunnySeason]

Well Still,

Just typed out such a nice post, only to pull a Nomo & lose it all.

I'll try & recreate it & then push submit immed. next time.

Sorry to hear about Ruby, you handled it well w/ D, & we all know it's relative when it comes to loss. A loss is a loss is a loss, no?

I'll get right to it since I've forgotten the small talk now that I added to prior post.

Going Dim is once again not for the faint of heart (none of this is, really). It looks like it's having an effect & your H doesn't seem to be the type to show you outwardly if you're right on or not. There is almost always a panic when I've done the same & it has to be altered by sitch. You're not being hostile, or dropping your PMA (as shown by the oops incident at the gym), just changing things a bit, so it's more of an untra-light really. I was told years ago by a therapist friend, that negative actions require energy, just as people say/do things in anger, etc., and your H filing would require a push of some sort. You're not giving him any aminition, just stepping back, so it's my guess that it's different & will get a different response in time. He's a toughy, so might take a while. If you really do feel in danger of going in the wrong direction, then by all means change course. I just don't see that & think you're proceeding well.

L&L,
Sunny

[ItsKat]

Hey, still.

I would say that dim is working for you. If nothing else, at least you are not going on that emotional roller coaster that you have to ride when you encounter all of that spew. We don't know the exact effect it is having on H, but if it is making you feel stronger, then I say stick with it.

[stillme]

Hmm, tricky question - & at least not one that has a def. yes or no answer. Let me put it this way:

Short answer: No. I believe S was the only avenue H would have to look realistically at our sitch/M/R - to see Life as it would be post-D, to consider if that Life was Worth It [all the Stuff that "It" encompasses regarding a D]. He had made the comment twice (in about 2 mo. time) to the effect that a S was the only thing he could think of that MIGHT help us at that point. How - WHY - would I even THINK to deny him or control what he did?! S was what H had decided he needed/wanted for his life. Furthermore, he had most likely started looking forward to it in his mind as "Oh, THEN I'll be happy..."

And, oh, before I forget, I didn't "ask" H to move out; I TOLD him to. I DO regret that TELLING (control).

What I wish hadn't happened is that (Did you read my sitch back in Feb./March?) I had had a DBCoaching session in March & explained that, while H was still (tho casually & matter-of-factly) talking about D-stuff (Was I gonna date older or younger guys? Asking me to think about what I wanted [furniture/household stuff] etc) he was - at the same time! - FINALLY fulfilling my QT (Quality Time) LL (Love Language) (Did you read the 5LL yet?) I was SO confused but was still, then, LISTENING to him more than watching for his actions/inactions. (Believe NOTHING they say & only Half they do) &, if I'd have reciprocated HIS LL at that time (PA) it MIGHT have had a VERY positive effect. As it was, we followed the classic path and, when we started arguing (often & around the kids) about the financial/control/job issues, our R deteriorated rapidly and that's when/why I TOLD HIM to move out. I don't see that we could have or woudl have resolved those financial/control/job issues even if he'd continued to live in the houes (short of me doing all & whatever he wanted - which I still do not believe to be in either MY best interest or that of my children). He had (shortly before the financial fighting) re-started sleeping on the couch, and I really believe he was at a Pushing-Away stage that nothing I did would have changed, and probably his focused anger on the financial/job issues was as much to reinforce his leaving me/M than anything else.

So, not a simple answer; and certainly not one that translates into anyone else's sitch very well. We each have to do what we think is best - to S or not - w/the circumstances, issues & people who are involved. My best advice would be to ask a DB Coach if you are unsure. The $ is not insubstantial, but I consider it more of the "anything" I am willing to do to try my best to save my R/M w/my H.

[stillme]

Hi, Sunny & Kat! Boy, everyone's a night owl tonight! I'm already for bed - even AFTER my 8pm nap! So, after this I'm gone til morning. . .

You're not being hostile, or dropping your PMA (as shown by the oops incident at the gym), just changing things a bit, so it's more of an untra-light really.

LOVE this - Low-Cal Dim, huh? ; Less fights, fewer confrontations.

I was told years ago by a therapist friend, that negative actions require energy, just as people say/do things in anger, etc., and your H filing would require a push of some sort.

Yeah, makes perfect sense. I've had MONTHS to go to a L, but chose the wk(s) of H's spewing to actually make the appt(Thank goodness I was calmer when the day came.) H has had LOTS of 'push-able' times in the past 6 mo., but has not done it yet. There's got to be a reason Why - whether he acknowledges it, or acknowledges the true reson, or not.

I'm following your thread, too; will check in tomorrow, 'kay?
Night. (is there a big yawn-y smiley face?) j.

[Nomopo]

Sleep is for weaklings Still!

[stillme]

Nomopo: "Sleep! Sleep? I don't need no stinkin' sleep!"

LOL. Make yourself ta'home & talk amongst yourselves. I'm off.


Oh, LOOK! There IS a tired face!