Go, but talk to your families first and let them know you are having difficulties. Go on the trip together, but not as husband/wife - act more as friends taking their kids on a joint vacation. (still be happy, fun, upbeat)
Thanks Nikki, this is what I'll do.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
You're welcome Dustin. Glad one of those options appealed to you.
Keep in mind it's not on the "script" your W has planned so she may be unhappy that you aren't willing/able to go according to her plan. Be prepared to discuss it calmly and rationally. Keep it about you and your reasons for making this choice - rather than arguing with her or trying to say her logic is flawed (i.e. "I am uncomfortable withholding this information from my family," "I need support from my family at this time"... not "you want out, you're the one doing this to us" those kinds of things). Hope that makes sense.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
.. just realized.. probably didn't "appeal" to you exactly.. but I'm glad one looked workable for you.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I had already informed my mom and dad, but I told them that we were still going on vacation and to please maintain their cool because there was still hope that she might change her mind and I didn't want to do anything to upset her.
I haven't seen her or my kids for two days, Thursday night I went out with my brother to watch the Spurs play and I spent the night at his apartment and when I went home friday morning she had already left for work. I had to work Friday night (I'm at work now actually) and I left home around 4:30 pm to come to work, she calls me at around 6:30 pm and apologizes to me for not getting the kids home before I left so I could see them, and asks me if it's okay for she and the kids to go to Dallas to see her brother and his wife and kids with her mom and dad since it's fathers day weekend and the kids wouldn't be home, I said the it was okay since I had to work nights anyway. Before she hung up, I said "what's up with you?" and she asked me what I meant and I said "well, do you still want to do this?" and she says " I'm going on monday to see about counseling and when we get home from vacation I'll start going . She never said "yes, I still want the divorce", just that she's going to go to a therapist. All I said in return was "okay", I took this as a positive sign that maybe she is rethinking her descision and will try and work it out. I am taking the wait and see approach and trying to give her as much space as possible and not pressure her at all. I think it bothered her that I went out Thursday night too, a friend of mine said that he saw her drive by my brothers place of work really slow, presumably looking to see if I was there.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
They left for Dallas this morning, got to see the girls for about 30 mintues befoe they left, man that was hard.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Have you re-read Divorce Remedy? Start doing it now, ok. It's time to get your emotions under control and form a DB Plan and then put it to work. You got good advice from Nikki. In short, you need to (1) give her space (don't ask her "what's up with you" if you're looking for feedback from her on your sitch), (2) focus on you (GALing and examining your role in where you are), and (3) start figuring out what you can do to create positive interactions/experiences between you and your W. You need to present yourself in the best light possible while she decides what she is going to do. You need to give her reasons to have a little doubt. And I don't mean talk to her about it, explaining it logically. I mean by how you act, your attitude, and your exchanges with her.
So, get and read DR (at least through Step 5), start reading other threads around her (jump in and give advice or encouragement so you'll get more traffic on your thread), and keep posting.
Nomopo
PS - we are planning a DB get together in Austin in July. You should come!
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Thanks for the response Nomopo. I got out Divorce remedy and Divorce busting today and will start reading DR here shortly. I know that I shouldn't have asked her "what's with you?", but I just couldn't help myself and it won't happen again. I'm hoping that her wanting to go to counciling will turn out to be a good thing, of course I know that the council could just as well tell her to go on with a divorce too. I am so worried about my oldest daughter and how she will handle a seperation and/or divorce, I hadn't seen my two kids for two days and when I saw them this morning, she was all over me and wouldn't let me out of her sight, I think she may sense that things aren't alright between her mom and I. I am going to go on with the vacation and I WILL be upbeat and have a good time and let my wife see me in a positive light. As for responding to other threads and ooffereing advice and encouragement, I will do that in itme, but right now my pain is to new for me to offer any good advice.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
I am going to go on with the vacation and I WILL be upbeat and have a good time and let my wife see me in a positive light.
Excellent strategy. See if she feeds off your positive energy at all. Take mental notes. Study how you two interact. Learn what works and what doesn't.
Originally Posted By: Dustin R
As for responding to other threads and ooffereing advice and encouragement, I will do that in itme, but right now my pain is to new for me to offer any good advice.
I would advise you to start reading other as soon as you can. Lots to be learned. Lots of comfort in the fact that others have been where you are. And you are not too new to say "Hey, hang in there. I admire you efforts." and that sort of stuff.
Keep posting, Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I re-read Steps 1-5 and I'm really glad that I did, I had forgotten some of the things that I had done before to regain my w's desire to continue our marriage. Reading DR has given me hope that I can possibly save my marriage and if not, then at least I'LL be a better person. And you're right, I CAN offer encouragement and advice to people and I will start.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Also, as far as GAL, I've always wanted to take some form of martial arts, I think I will check into that.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
