I know Speed. I just see it on here time and time again. People who find someone else and then give up on their M. I just don't personaly think that is right. That is what most of our WAS do. They find something easier and fun and they chose that instead of what actualy may be the right choice.
Thanks Jen...just makes me nervous I guess. It has been so long.
You know..I've thought about telling the W. But I don't think I will. I asked her point blank if she was seeing or wanted to see OM when we first seperated. She said that she wasn't but that she wanted to but didn't think it was fair...well guess what? She already was. So I really don't see any reason to bing it up. If she asks, I will tell..I will not lie...but I also think that if I were to tell her...then she would just take it as some ploy to get her back anyway. It's not. This is about me. I have suffered for so long. I have gone without. I just want some company.
This girl is sweet, nice, smart pretty and I just have a lot of respect for her and how she has lived her life. She has never treatd me wrong and we have known each other since HS.
I think as long as you are both on the same page regarding the marriage being done, and you want to date and are ready for it, then it's okay.
The part that I'd think about is you said something to the effect of it meant breaking your vows. If you feel that you'd be breaking your vows, then I guess, I'd say think about it some more. To me, my vows are done and the marriage is done. I'm not ready yet (but maybe will be soon) but I don't think I'd date if I felt it would be breaking the vows. The paperwork of a divorce is going to take some time, but H has decided that is what he wants, and so really, to me, we're already divorced, it's just the formality of it that needs completion.
Dana
Last edited by galing; 06/14/0707:03 PM.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
Hey Eddy. I'm glad you posted about this gal inviting you on a lunch or coffee date. It seems as though you're giving this careful thought and I'm sure you'll do what is right for you. We are so deserving of good company but also so vulnerable right now. To make decisions that will serve us well into the future takes real effort. Keep your goals in mind when making these decisions and set boundaries for yourself beforehand.... my $.02
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Hi swashy. Long time no post. As you know, I've been a little.... preoccupied. Quoting you in bold, cobbling from bits of three of your posts:
Just been unsure what I was going to do and didn't feel like taking heat from people.
F--- what other people think. Do what you think is right. And try not to hurt anyone, either yourself or her.
She's Dd and is always telling me to keep an eye for a nice guy for her.
Hey, what about..... Ah, nevermind.
"Lets get together for a lunch date or a coffee date". I have always in the past run the other way when presented with such offers. BUT...Told her that may not work with the new job but that maybe we could get together for drinks one night. "I'd love that" was her response.
Bingo. We have bingo.
So I'll pick another night.....but I feel like if she has made her choice and is continuing to push for this...then I do need to move on.
Yep. What I keep hearing is that the best way to release old memories is to start making new ones. And while it doesn't do to just dive right into a new relationship to numb/escape the pain... If one continues not to lose sight of the things that landed us here in the first place, and use reserve, good judgment and a certain.... wariness about falling into old habits... Why not?
Look at this another way. What's the worst that could happen here?
Will this go anywhere - who knows.
Does anyone? Ever?
Not sure I'm really ready for it to go somewhere...
So, all the more reason to enter the water gently, with all the caution and wariness of a cat in a rocking chair factory.
Plus, awareness of this very fact is a good thing.
...but I do feel like I am ready to at least go out and enjoy a woman's company.
And why the heck not? Women are kinda fun, no?
I have hoped and hoped that someday she would realize that I was not the problem. That the solution to her happiness is within her. That she would open her heart, trust, love, believe and try. I know that I meant it when I stood on that alter and vowed for better or for worse in front of my family, friends, God and most importantly...HER.
You know full well about this one... She has to want to and believe she can. Will she ever? Hmmmmmm. Probably not until the tables are turned on her.
It makes me nervous that I may actually like it I guess. I'm scared to be happy with someone else because, to me, it means breaking those vowes.
Two things about this:
OK. If there's the guilt issue, then decide on your internal set point for when your M is truly over. For me, the courthouse and hearing the judge say the words "divorce granted" was the key to take off my ring... What's yours? Then set the boundaries for I'm not going to do X before that. AND, if X still happens, then don't feel guilty about it.... Boundaries, bubba.
. They find something easier and fun and they chose that instead of what actualy may be the right choice.
And of course the right choices are: continuing to solve the problems that got you here. sticking to behaviors that you're comfortable with.
Are you escaping here? Or just enjoying the moment. I think you know full well what the answer is.
I've thought about telling the W. But I don't think I will.
None of her business anymore.
If she asks, I will tell..I will not lie...
Good. Stick to your values, but you're under no obligation to volunteer anything.
This is about me. I have suffered for so long. I have gone without. I just want some company.
Who doesn't?
This girl is sweet, nice, smart pretty and I just have a lot of respect for her and how she has lived her life.
Just remember, there's a lot to be said about the "view from a distance" or the "oh jeepers, she's so beautiful and so perfect and so smart, and.... phase". Fine line here; watch out for signs, but not to the extent that it prevents you from having fun.... Gee, wonder who we know that might do that?
She'll have her own issues; watch out for them. She probably leaves the cap off the toothpaste, leaves her thigh-highs hanging over the shower curtain rod so you practically strangle yourself..... Comprende?
Take care bubba, and thank the divine creator you're not hairy, grey-bearded, and with a big belly. You'll be swatting them off with a 2x4....
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
Thank you everyone. Obviously this is not an easy step for me to take and I appreciate all of you checking in on me.
Dana - I still get the tinglies when you call me S2H. I certainly don't see having drinks with an old friend as breaking my vowes. I guess I need to just keep an eye on my own moral compass to keep it from going somewhere that it may. Because I guess I don't beleive they are over at this point.
And a wonderful 2cents at that F21..as always. Thank you!
Doug, "Hey, what about..... Ah, nevermind." give it up dude..aint gonna happen...plus I think you are all set anyway.
You asked what the worst was that could happen...I guess I could be happy...right? Doesn't sound so bad to me. And don't worry, I certainly do not see myself falling fast and hard. Just looking to go out and have some fun with someone. I will not move faster than I am ready to. And I'm a snail when it comes to this stuff. There is another peice the steady eddy thing...slow and steady. All is good. I feel good.
Actually emailed her back...we may do something this weekend. I will of course keep you all posted.
