Stillme's Chapters Continue

[Nomopo]

Blondie?

[SunnySeason]

Yes,
But not what they say when they wonder who they can talk to...567-5309IIIII9.

And no, it's not one of those #'s

[Nomopo]

Got it!!

[Nomopo]

Still:

Donde esta usted?


Senor Nomopo

[stillme]

Oh, I've been around . . . but laying low pretty much.

Journaling ~

Sat. spent the day/eve w/BFF.

Sun kids called around 10am, said H was still in bed (They got home from GA about 2am). When I was about to hang up w/S, he said H wanted to talk to me & H (in his deep groggiest/sleepiest mumbling voice) apologized for not bringing the kids to me to go to church as usual. I said I understood, and that I'd slept in late myself & was going to the late-service at 11. I don't remember if/wht else was said, but it wasn't unpleasant.

Around 2pm I called H to see what time he'd planned on returning to the kids to me tomorrow/Mon. He said "About 9, I guess, okay?" and I said - well, actually I ASKED him, lol! "Would it work out for you if you kept them until noon? I have an appointment at 10." & H said "Sure" then went on a bit about why & what he has to do for work but that it could be started later in the day. He also talked in more detail about the j.j. tournament & said he'd be stopping by the house at some point that day to get [something, I didn't catch what] for the kids "If that's okay" and, o/c, I said "That's fine." (They came w/i the next hour & a half, while I was at church.)

At about 7pm, kids called again as they & H were driving back from Tampa/beach. This call was noticably diff (to me) b/c not ony had H never had the kids call me on "his" days b/f, but he was coaching them to tell me things. I could hear him say "Tell mommy what you did for the first time." and "WHO helped you make a sand castle?" (when D, for some reason, said she had to make a sand castle all by herself). He also did it when S was talking to me. And then H told me about another disciplining incident "just so you know". When I mentioned to my friend (A, whose house I was at at the time of the call) about the 'checking in' phone calls H is having the kids make to me, & H's need to tell me about frustrations/disciplining the kids, she said that H had taken note of these behaviors when I'd done them in the past (I had always been about fostering H's R w/the kids when he traveled) &, for whatever reason, NOW decided he needed to do it himself as a 'good' parent.

Oh, did I mention that he called a total of 3 times from the tournament?! First time wa when he had D call me while she & H were at b'fast & then he spoke w/me for a few min. The 2nd time he had S call me after he'd competed (He won his first round, but lost the second & seemed very pleased w/himself.) & then H got on the phone, and he was all out of breath. I asked why & he said he'd just competed himself (I didn't know he was going to - He hasn't even taken class since his knee surgery in Dec.) & was winded, but instead of jumping off the phone w/me, he stayed on & described his competition rounds & some other tournament info. Then, some time after the tournament ended, H called (not the kids!) to say when they'd be starting the drive home, how the kids had behaved (S had frustrated him, & he wanted me to know how & what he'd done about it) & some other light stuff. I kept it very casual & friendly.

Since this is really the first time H has had the kids call me on "his" days (tho he'd never taken them so far away b/f), I'm wondering if the friend/wife who drove the kids there (and who saw me upset about not going, too) may have said something to him. . .

Anyway, I'm off to my first appt w/a L in an hour - just to set the stage (if/when H has me served) & to find out my options/rights/etc. Haven't been sleeping well at all the past few nights (plus I've woken w/a huge OUCH! crick/knot in my neck!) & am really pretty frightened from a financial standpoint. So, wish me luck

[Reincarnated]

J, the phone calls, no matter who or what put the idea in his head, sound very good! No one told him what to say or how to act while on the phone, and it all sounded pleasant :0)

About the L--it is a scary thing to get this part done, but you are doing the right thing. No matter what we may think, you have to protect yourself and your kids. We were already caught off guard once with the bomb; but this is too important to get blindsided by. Now, remember what the Ls are paid to do--some of it will seem overly harsh, but that is the way they are, what they get paid for. Get the info and rights you need to know, and take the rest with a grain of salt.

I'll be thinking about you today,
D

[stillme]

Tell me again why I haven't given up yet? What kind of person doesn't accept that a wall is a wall, and keeps hitting her head against it - thinking eventually she'll make a dent in the wall and not in her head?

Funny thing is that, tho I am heartily tired of this whole thing, I still cannot/willnot/am not ready to throw up my hands say, "Fine!" & walk away. Does that make me determined to save my R/M, or just plain stubborn myself?!

[Warning: Nomo, you'll want to bring out your slap-the-shet-outa-him hand again.)

Asked H today when he brought the kids to me & as he was opening his mail: "Can I ask you something?" and, pressing on despite his guarded "yeah", "What can I do to help the financial stress of the sitch?" His response: "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "I mean, I know it's stressful, supporting 2 households, and I'm asking if there something I can do to ease it for right now." He huffs, squints, purses his lips, starts to say something in a angry-whisper then goes & closes D's nearby door (she was in there playing) & says, "You ask that NOW? You really think what you do NOW can make a diff?! You KNOW what you should be doing, but I'm not going to even say it b/c you won't do it." And so it goes for another 10 min or so (w/me remaining calm) & him saying things like (sarcastic), "You know I stress about money. I always have. And I will do whtever I need to. You don't worry about it." & "You want to take $100 in bills? Go ahead, but that won't be a drop in the bucket." (& goes on to tick off the amounts that he pays ea month). . . "I've been trying to get you for years to do what you should be doing." (We'd always talked about 'When D goes to K...' but I'd also been telling him for years that I don't want to go back to a FT legal secy position, tied to a desk, begging for time off to spend w/the family, putting the kids in daycare...), "I WON'T sell my boat. I won't do it." & "You want to save me money? Wash the damm dishes." (when I put my coffee cup in it) "You know how many times I've used my dishwasher? NONE!" I said, "Okay. I can do that." & he goes into (calmer) how I can get a less exp. internet service, and cut back on the tv cable ("cuz, really, how mich do the kids watch Noggin?") [Note: When he first moved out I said I was going to go back to the Basic Cable - HE was the one who "needed" the extended plan - and he told me not to b/c it included a few kid channels!), I can take over the (my) cellphone bill (this and the internet cable plans were tied into his work plans & didn't think I could change them). He'd already (2 wks ago in a 'nice' moment) thanked me for doing whatever I was doing to lower the elec. bill [w/him out of the house, I don't have to keep it like an icebox anymore!] So, there are things I can - and will - do, but not likely to either reduce his stress (He's right; he does like to stress) or have him consider me/the sitch any diff.

Before this convo. H made a statement about taking S to jj class this eve (It's "my" day), &, when I said I like to go watch him at class, he said in a I'm-not-trying-to-step-on-your-toes voice that he was going to be there anyway b/c he now helps coach/spot the boys' class; something about wanting to save [me] gas/money by driving there (but, o/c, did not say we could all drive there together, heaven forbid); and that it would actually save him time (not having to come by here after work & b/f jj class). So, we'll all be there togehter at 5. Yippee.

So, very tiring, very, very much the same angry position. Nothing I do is good, or good enough, or makes him even wobble his position on his high horse.

When he was done w/the convo (lol), he started walking down the hall to the door, stops & looks back at me w/the ol' squinty-eyed look & says "Do you have any OTHER questions for me?" "Umm, no." "Good!" He needs the last word but, lol, sorry I couldn't give it to him & said a cheery singsong like "Byyyyyeee!" (the "you big di*k" was an Understood - and I don't care if it's not DB-proper! He is one.)

[Reincarnated]

He11, Nomo is going to have to line up behind me to slap that man! wtf?

You did what you wanted to do, held your head high and took a risk. Even with the spew, don't think he won't notice you reaching out. I think that is what really gets them going, btw--how the LBS does not fit so neatly into their definition of what they left behind, how they HAD to go. By continuing to be who you are, a decent caring person, you make their head want to expode. How can he leave someone who is acting like you do? It doesn't make sense, and that pisses them off.

I know its been so hard with the treatment you have been getting. Only you can decide when enough is enough. But you should feel proud of yourself for risking this; all of us here can see it for what it is, and you know the intentions in your heart. But he subconsciously does, too.

{{{J}}}

[confuseddude]

wow...stillme...I'm speechless. why do you think he is so angry? I apologize if it has been addressed before. I know I got discouraged when I was met with negative memories, thoughts thrown my way by my XW. I tried to let them slide thinking the wall she has built up will have to come down if I keep chipping away a little at a time. Still waiting, but who knows.

[Nomopo]

still:

Well damn. You know what though. As I think about it a little, I would say it's unbelievablebut it isn't. If you had emailed us right before the convo and said here's what I am going to do/say (which, by the way, is what we all thought you should do/say because we discussed it here at length), then those of us who really thought about it and were honest would more likely than not have predicted this reaction. Don't you agree? We would have said, put your raincoat on because the spew is gonna come. Nonetheless, he is really something.

I guess beyond that I feel about like Donna:

Even with the spew, don't think he won't notice you reaching out. I think that is what really gets them going, btw--how the LBS does not fit so neatly into their definition of what they left behind, how they HAD to go. By continuing to be who you are, a decent caring person, you make their head want to expode.

I think you handled it perfectly, by the way. And at a minimum, you gave him something to think about. At the core of all this DBing, that's what this is about. Sowing seeds of doubt (at least while we are fighting the good fight). Now, just try to let it go and move forward (low profile, preferably dark) for the next few days.

Hang in there, and lots of hugs -- (((((J)))))

Nomopo

PS -- And I was so happy about your weekend reports. But, maybe it's two steps forward and (in your case) 1.9 steps back.