Schools Out for the Summer!

[galing]

May I ask you a question? You seem to have moved on so much, when will you know it is time to sever links with the H totally? How long will you wait for him to start treating you as you wish to be treated?

I don't know. I think you just keep living your life, praying, making yourself the best you that you wish to be, and healing. When I get caught up in the whys and the whens, then I don't heal. So, I am trying not to focus on that and take my life one day at a time. When I am honest with myself, what difference does it make that I'm married right now? I live alone, I am not really in a relationship, I'm still healing, and I am not truly ready to be with someone else nor have I met someone that I want to take that risk with. So for now, most days, I'm okay with it and I think I'll just know when I'm not anymore or maybe he'll begin to heal too and make a decision one way or another in that time as well which helps me make a decision. FYI: I don't live with my husband (asked him to move out around April I think) so that helps with the healing and space and detaching.

[Rob1231]

K.... Rob, sorry, I feel dense but I don't get it.
...
I've talked to Ian and Scottie about this before but I think what you term as forgiveness, I term as acceptance. To me forgiveness does involve two people.

Hi Dana,

Catching up after a long weekend. I don't want to beat a dead horse, so I'll just respond to your final comment and we can move this to the back burner for a while.

Maybe we are just arguing semantics here, but I still recommend you think of forgiveness as being purely about your own feelings, and let go of expectations that he either deserves forgiveness, or that he will respond in some way. As long as your happiness and peace of mind depends on his past or future actions, you are giving away some of the control of your life. It doesn't mean that you like what he has done or continues to do - it just means that you are not going to let your joy in life be based on his actions any more.

OK, on to other stuff. Sounds like you had a fantastic, GALful, PMAful weekend - GO YOU!

[Trip]

I see forgiveness as Rob does. For instance, I choose to forgive my husband for my sake. Not his. It helps me to trust again, to feel good about me again, and to get past the pain. What he does within himself doesn't require a thing from me and nor do I of him.

[galing]

I think it is semantics. Forgiveness has a religious basis for me, so it requires two people. I believe what you call forgiveness, I call acceptance and I am doing okay in that area so I think we're on the same page but using different terms.

Had an interesting morning. I had a meeting with my financial advisor this morning to just kind of go over where I'm at financially for retirement if I'm living on my own salary, etc. Before I went to the meeting, I was freaking out and sad because I ran the numbers again and I just felt depressed and like "I can't do this." Basically, if H stops paying the mortgage, after I pay that and the basic house bills (gas, electric, water, etc), I have 200.00 left a month to live on (for gas, groceries, clothes, entertainment, exercise, retirement, everything). That is a BUMMER and not all that doable. So, I had an icky feeling going into the meeting but I came out of it feeling pretty good.

Basically, if we get divorced and he stops paying the mortgage, I will need to do a few things like get a second job and get a roomate and live on pb and j for a while, but I WILL MAKE IT WORK. I CAN DO IT! And regarding my retirement, even though it is going to be on serious hold for a while, it is still very doable due to the pension plans I have etc. So, going to see the financial advisor helped me know that at least my long term financial situation will be okay and that I do have some savings built up that I can utilize in the meantime if necesary to get me by for the next year or two. So, it isn't ideal or what I had planned for my life, but it will be okay because I'll make it that way.

It was also great seeing the financial advisor because I totally respect her. She is beautiful, smart, independent, and has made herself a huge success in her field. She has been divorced. She said she didn't see it coming at all, and her husband totally changed and did some horrible things and she didn't want to be divorced but that is what happened. She said she went to counseling for 3 years and continues to go now, with her husband of 7 months. She talked about their relationship and how great it is. How he is a man truly committed to marriage and working on it and understands the efforts required for a good marriage. She said they don't go to counseling together because there is anything wrong but to keep things going in the right direction, that they read books together, that they are working on a spiritual base together, etc. She said it is almost comical for her to look back at her first marriage now and what that committment was compared to what she has now with a partner truly willing to work on it with her. She said that had you asked her 3 years ago or 5 years ago if she could have what she has now, she would have never imagined it and now she truly feels divorce was the best thing that ever happened to her.

Not saying I want a divorce, obviously I still hope and pray that my husband will become that man that wants to work on a deep committment and relationship together but so far, he isn't that man and doesn't want to be that man. I want that for my life and I don't know that he's ever going to offer it and it made me feel hopeful to hear her talk about her own life and to know that if I expect great things and continue to work on greatness for myself and require that for my life, that hopefully, it will come.

[Rob1231]

So, it isn't ideal or what I had planned for my life, but it will be okay because I'll make it that way.

Them's words to live by, no doubt about it!

[swashy]

Well said Dana!

Speed...wouldn't you miss sticking your....oh never mind.

[galing]

Went to the Fray concert last night. What a great way to start the first non-work day of my summer vacation! The Fray = Sexy as Hell. I am definitely going to try to find some piano music of their songs since they use the piano so much, some new music will be good motivation for practicing.

Had a great time. The openers weren't great but The Fray was well worth the wait. Went out afterwards. No matter what happens in this marriage, I may be really glad to have that ring someday just to wear when I go out downtown. There are some real creepy men at the bars and some men that seem to not understand the concept of 'not interested'. At least a cute bartender saved me at one point.

Had a class today that I got paid for through work so that was cool. It was my first day really teaming with my new coworker and it went really well. I start my master's class tonight so it's going to be a long day of sitting but a good day. Looking forwarding to sleeping in tomorrow morning and then having some people over in the evening to celebrate the beginning of summer!

[Reincarnated]

Dana--
What a great start to the summer! My kids' last day is Monday...what grad class are you taking? I am finishing up Collaborative Action Research, and Literacy and Learning in the Information Age.

[galing]

Hey everyone.

Had an emotional night. H told me he is wants a divorce. Please no "this doesn't mean it's over" bits. I don't even know how it really came about, but it is out there. He just isn't willing to work on it and I think he's finally coming to terms with letting me go if he won't work on it. I think his mom has been talking to him some about that. He told me that he wants the chance to be happy, that he thinks I'm great and I meet some of his needs, but he wants the chance to have more of his needs met and he isn't willing to try that with me for whatever reason and thinks he could have that with someone else some day.

I have a few different emotions, sadness, regret that I'll never know if we could have had a great marriage because we didn't get to see, disappointment, and also some relief. I think the later comes from knowing that he hasn't cared for me for a long time or put me first for a long time, and I know that if he really isn't going to love me, that I am better off alone with hopefully the possibility of finding someone else someday that will truly want to have a loving and committed marriage that is forever. I wish he were willing to try but I can't make him and it is his choice. I wish I could fix it, but I can't.

I had class tonight (tried to hold it together) and then went out for a beer with a friend and actually laughed quite a bit. Maybe I'm in shock or maybe it's just been such a long time coming that it isn't hitting me as much as it should. I'm sure it will more when the papers actually come.

I really do love him. I'm sorry it has come to this. I'm mostly sorry for not getting a second chance. I hope to have it someday, even it if is with someone else and I hope that someone else loves me forever and is as committed to marriage as I am.

[shoeprincess]

sorry Dana. hugs to you. You have tried and done all you could to save the marriage. This is his choice and he will have to live with it.

He told me that he wants the chance to be happy, that he thinks I'm great and I meet some of his needs, but he wants the chance to have more of his needs met and he isn't willing to try that with me for whatever reason and thinks he could have that with someone else some day.

This man will never be happy or satisfied ever in his life. He is like my STBX, always looking for someone or something to make and complete his happiness.