Is it too late after doing EVERYTHING wrong?

[NotAgainPlease]

Yes, I know it's such a strange thinmg to not believe what they say. Not something I'm used to. I am also probably too trusting. This is probably one of the hardest things to do besides detatching. But I need to do it!
Thanks,

S

[galing]

H called and not sure how we got on subject but we were talking about sex. I guess I'm a little confused here. Sex was my way of reeling H back in. Now my dilema is, is that all he wants. HE keeps mentioning no strings, no traps etc. I feel that he is testing the waters or he wouldn't be talking to me at all. I said something about well all you want is sex and won't take me out and he said your right. This was well into the converation. I didn't intiate the sex talk. He said if I wanted to stop we could????Any opinions out there. Out of all that I have tried to do this was the only thing he responded to. This was with OW and without. I don't know if I should just go with it or stop and see. I don't want him to use me for this in between OW and not really wanting to be with me. Here goes my head thinking again..He seems happy to be with me when we are. Nice and friendly when we talk. We joke and laugh, which we haven't done forever. May be I'm just being stupid. I go back and forth because, how do you believe after all the lies????
Thanks,
S

Think about this? Will you respect yourself in 5 months (if the marriage ends or doesn't end) for having sex with someone that is treating you the way your spouse is or that may be with someone else right now? Are you doing this for your spouse or you? While I believe it is good to do things to help your marriage, respecting yourself must come first. I often told myself it was just sex. But when it comes down to it, now that I have my confidence, my self respect, my being back.... I would not sleep with him anymore, because I respect myself too much too. It depends on teh situation.. only you know how you are being treated and if it is a good idea and how you may feel about it later. If you are questioning it... maybe postpone more physical intimancy until you are more sure. Talk to someone about it, like a counselor.

[NotAgainPlease]

Galing,

I read Michelle's article on sex and it is kind of vague. I had talk with H about it. Which I know I shouldn't have done and not supposed to believe most of what H says, but I needed to for my own sake. Basically it ended like this. Well first I have to say my H has a really problem taking any responsibility for any of his actions. Nothing new has always done this. He said I was the one who wanted it. When he initiated it. I went with it after that though. He said I said it was not strings and it was just fun. That I did. He said I know you want more but I don't so if I have a problem with it we will stop. We had a really back slide from there are bills, kids etc. We weren't fighting re relationship talk but about typical issue in our marraige. His not wanting to talk and denial. I really think it's time to quit. I don't think I can or want to do this anymore. I can change till the cows come home but the same issues will still going to be there that I don't have confidence he is capable of changing in himself. I guess I am kind of angry tonight. I did call him back after we got in a fight and said I don't want to do this (fight) and he said me either but then it started again. I said bye and hung up. He called me back and D7 answered the phone and I said please tell him I am done for the night. Who knows what he was going to say. S7 called him back to say goodnight but he wouldn't answer probably thought it was me...

Tomorrow is a new day!

S

[NotAgainPlease]

I LM for H this am and said I'm sorry I didn't want to take your call last night. I just didn't want to fight and I didn't want to say something I didn't mean. That's a big one for me. I love a good fight!!! H called back this am and I answered. He said hi how are you? I said fine thanks. That's a bid one for him. He's trying to be nice. I asked if he listened to VM and he said no. Just say the call. So I told him what I said. He said thank you he appreciated that. He said he has some peaches to give me too. I asked him if had his laundry, because I was going to do it yesterday but when I left his house last night he said no he'll take care of it. I said fine I'm not oing to beg to do it. Anyway he said no but if I'd do it he'd appreciate it. so?? I just don't know where to go from hear.

I fell like I need to stop the sex even though it keeps us connected. Cuz he said its just sex & fun doesn't mean anything nor will it ever...I need to back off and be busy more. Since he is alone now (OW no longer) and needs to be lonely???

S

[NotAgainPlease]

One more thing, what do you all think? Re feelings. Next time I talked to H I was going to say : I understand how you feel and that this D is up to you but I love you and want it to work out. We have been getting along really well and I would like to continue it as long as we agree I would like to work it out and you don't. I am just a little confused if I need to tell him I love him??? I know he knows this. Or just drop it all and keep going..OMG I am so confused all I keep hearing is hes just doing it for fun and nothing more. I know I am not supposed to believe what I hear but I can't not wonder????
I think at this point I really need to call the DB coach???

[Nomopo]

I read Michelle's article on sex and it is kind of vague. I had talk with H about it. Which I know I shouldn't have done and not supposed to believe most of what H says, but I needed to for my own sake.

Why? What did you hope to achieve? Did you? What damage was done?

Well first I have to say my H has a really problem taking any responsibility for any of his actions. Nothing new has always done this.

Ok, and you know this issue will have ot be tabled for some time down the road, if ever.

We had a really back slide from there are bills, kids etc. We weren't fighting re relationship talk but about typical issue in our marraige. His not wanting to talk and denial.

This sounds like a recurring theme in your past. More of the same behavior for both of you? You should study this exchange for insight in what to do different per DB.

I really think it's time to quit. I don't think I can or want to do this anymore.

Your call, but I suggest the 48-hour rule.

I can change till the cows come home but the same issues will still going to be there that I don't have confidence he is capable of changing in himself.

I doubt you have tried everything, but frankly fixing these R issues just isn't in the cards right now. That's for down ther road, after he "decides" to not walk away. That's why there should be no R talk now.

I guess I am kind of angry tonight.

Manage those emotions! When you felt yourself getting angry, try to get away from him. Take a time out. Calmly announce you need a few minutes and go for a walk.

I did call him back after we got in a fight and said I don't want to do this (fight) and he said me either but then it started again.

How? What happened to "start up" again? Study it so you can learn and not repeat it.

Tomorrow is a new day!

Yes, it is!!!

I LM for H this am and said I'm sorry I didn't want to take your call last night. I just didn't want to fight and I didn't want to say something I didn't mean. That's a big one for me.

Sounds ok. Maybe could have just let it go, but maybe not. Maybe you extended value to him by the call.

I love a good fight!!!

Sally, do you love a good fight at the expense of your M? That is a very serious question? Is being right more important to you?

H called back this am and I answered. He said hi how are you? I said fine thanks. That's a bid one for him. He's trying to be nice. I asked if he listened to VM and he said no. Just say the call. So I told him what I said. He said thank you he appreciated that. He said he has some peaches to give me too.

Ok, sounds like it is in the past, so that night does not need to be revisited anymore. You should study it at length to learn, but then let it go.

I asked him if had his laundry, because I was going to do it yesterday but when I left his house last night he said no he'll take care of it. I said fine I'm not oing to beg to do it. Anyway he said no but if I'd do it he'd appreciate it. so??

Sounds like you offered. If so, do it. To retract the offer now would look bad. After this, I'd not go out of my way to offer. If he asks, and you want to do it, do it.

I fell like I need to stop the sex even though it keeps us connected. Cuz he said its just sex & fun doesn't mean anything nor will it ever...I need to back off and be busy more. Since he is alone now (OW no longer) and needs to be lonely???

This is your call. I see it going either way really. But I would decide based on what YOU want and are comfortable with, not in an effort to control him.

One more thing, what do you all think? Re feelings. Next time I talked to H I was going to say : I understand how you feel and that this D is up to you but I love you and want it to work out. We have been getting along really well and I would like to continue it as long as we agree I would like to work it out and you don't. I am just a little confused if I need to tell him I love him??? I know he knows this. Or just drop it all and keep going.

Doesn't he know all of that already? Why would you want to say it? What's your goal in saying it? If its to make sure he knows, I think he knows cause you've told him before. And, by the way, do you really feel like "We have been getting along really well"? Sounds like you have been fighting.

OMG I am so confused all I keep hearing is hes just doing it for fun and nothing more. I know I am not supposed to believe what I hear but I can't not wonder????

It might be true, but it might not. The point is, you don't know. So stop wasting time and energy worrying about it. You're driving yourself crazy. I know it's hard, and we all have done it, but you have to push those thoughts out of your mind. On the sex issue, decide what you want and what you are comfortable with, and chart your course from there. And I think it is possible he says that but it's not true. Who knows. Don't worry about what he says.

I think at this point I really need to call the DB coach???

I think it could help. Who's your coach? Mine is Chuck, but I think Stillme uses Laurie. It might help you to have a woman. Ask Still how she likes Laurie.

Hope it helps, and hugs to you,
Nomopo

[NotAgainPlease]

Oh Nomo,

I am so thankful for you. I LOVE how honest and to the point you are with me. I definitely need it. I am my worst enemy!

As far as telling him how I feel..I think I have read too many books. Now I have them all mixed up in my head...I know he knows how I feel and visa versa so I guess shouldn’t think about it he knows where I stand. If he was worried about it he wouldn't do it either???
As far as getting along. That was pre-Friday! Not now, so I agree with you.

Fighting...my problem because it’s the only way I get a reaction or emotion out of him. This is MY PROBLEM and need to stop...
I was pretty sure that the issues in our marriage were to be dealt with at a later date. They just surfaced last night when I was upset and I tend to forget the negative now and only remember the good.. So I was questioning my reasons for wanting to work it out...
Leaving the message to me was a sign of change. In the past I would have taken the call and fought or been a b**ch. So by me not taking it and admitting it is something he did notice and said he appreciated it. I know in some cases I should just let it go but I felt in this case it was good for me to do this. Yes, value I think! I am one to work it out now my H is one to ignore and leave and not deal. This is why we have had issues in the past.

The laundry I guess I was trying to do an act of service. I'm not sure that is important to him. I have been known to over do this in our marriage. I guess I'll stop it all together and see it he notices. He says he appreciates it but I don't know if that is true....


Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, you are such help for me.
S

[Nomopo]

Oh Nomo,

I am so thankful for you. I LOVE how honest and to the point you are with me. I definitely need it.

Awww. That made me feel good! Thanks!

I am my worst enemy!

But guess what!!! You control you!!!!

As far as telling him how I feel..I think I have read too many books. Now I have them all mixed up in my head.

Right. Most of those books are for a different stage than we're in. They don't apply to the walkaway scenario. Right now, we need to plant seed sof doubt and get them to reinvest. Then the two of you can work together on improving your R/M.

..I know he knows how I feel and visa versa so I guess shouldn’t think about it he knows where I stand. If he was worried about it he wouldn't do it either???

Yep.

As far as getting along. That was pre-Friday! Not now, so I agree with you.

Makes sense to me now.

Fighting...my problem because it’s the only way I get a reaction or emotion out of him. This is MY PROBLEM and need to stop...

Yep, because the only emotions and reacxtions you're going to get now are going to help him decide to walkaway. And later, when he is reinvested, I think this button hasn't been working for you, so you need to "Do Something Different" or "Try A Different Medium" or some other DB strategy to get the result you want, but you can worry about that much later.

I was pretty sure that the issues in our marriage were to be dealt with at a later date. They just surfaced last night when I was upset and I tend to forget the negative now and only remember the good.

It happens to all of us. Managing our emotions is key, but VERY HARD. Don't dwell on it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to work girlfriend.

Leaving the message to me was a sign of change. In the past I would have taken the call and fought or been a b**ch. So by me not taking it and admitting it is something he did notice and said he appreciated it. I know in some cases I should just let it go but I felt in this case it was good for me to do this. Yes, value I think! I am one to work it out now my H is one to ignore and leave and not deal. This is why we have had issues in the past.

Ok, good. Sounds like you had a successful DB experiment, and you monitored results and it worked. Put it in your solutions journal, and review it to keep it in your mind. When you are having fights, the three things the DB coaches told me they focus on our frequency, intensity and recovery. So you "pushed a different button" on recovery and you got a positive result! That's what DB is all about! The systematic search for solutions! I would also suggest you review how you fought, and how you slipped into the R talks anayway, and try to come up with some different buttons you can push to avoid going there next time.

The laundry I guess I was trying to do an act of service. I'm not sure that is important to him. I have been known to over do this in our marriage. I guess I'll stop it all together and see it he notices. He says he appreciates it but I don't know if that is true....

I don't think you need to stop it unless you want to. I don't see this as pursuing personally. I see this as a nice gesture that he will likely appreciate it. You can wait for him to ask, and that might be best. And when he does, say "Sure!" with your best PMA. Or you can offer, once: "If you'd like, I'm happy to do your laundry." But leave it at that. Whether he says yes or no, it doesn't matter. Just be happy cheerful you and go with the flow either way. It is as simple as that.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, you are such help for me.

You are so welcome sweetie.

Nomopo

[NotAgainPlease]

Again I can't thank you enough. You encourage me so. This is all part of my patience problem. My H is so laid back and I’m a do it now person. In this circumstance it's not a good combo. By the time this is over I hope to have learned to control this if nothing else.

I'm going out now to by a whole case of duct tape since one roll isn't quite doing the trick :}.

I hope all is well with you. I wish I could be help to you as much as you have been to me and others. Although I think you have a pretty good handle on it. Unless you are like me, a better teacher than a student! :o}...

S

[NotAgainPlease]

Nomo,

One more quick thing. My H says well you asked me or you initiated it?? Meaning it wasn't his idea,of course. (dinner at the house wiyh kids, laundry or sex (tho sometimes sex is him, more denial) or whatever.) Is that okay or should I wait for him to initiate something?? Maybe I shouldn't do it so much?? Weekly?? Not evo day or so??
Thanks,
S