He's big on the not wanting to lead me on or give me false hope. That seems to be his theme for the last few months.
Yep .....same here ...my H is SO afraid that I may start thinking that it is all possible again....as if I'm some kind of virus that he doens't want to catch again !!!
Urgh...sorry bit low spirits at the moment ....
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
H came over for dinner last night. It went really well. We got along great and talked about lots of things. As the kids were getting ready for bed he told me that he wanted to ask me a favor. I told him OK. He then prefaced it by saying that he had no right to ask me for anything considering what had gone on and what he had done and what he was doing, but it would mean a lot to him if I didn't see anyone unless we were divorced. He then said that he had his reasons for asking me that, but that he'd rather not talk about them right now. What do you think that means?????
I told him that he was right, he didn't have the right to ask me that considering that he was living with someone else, but that I wasn't planning to date or see anyone because I didn't think it would be right for me. I made it very clear that I wasn't doing it for him, but because from my standpoint of standing for our marriage I wouldn't be true to me if I did.
I then told him that I had been thinking about some things for the past couple of weeks and there was something that I needed to tell him. I told him that I didn't think we should ML anymore. I then explained that it wasn't because I didn't want him or find him incredibly attractive and sexy (that was one of his issues, he said that he felt I didn't find him attractive), but that I felt I was being hypocritical by sleeping with him. I told him that I did not approve of what he was doing right now and I did not approve of him living with someone else and I felt that by having sex with him I might be sending him the message that I did approve. I also told him I was incredibly weak when it came to him and that everytime I saw him I wanted him, and that this is not what I wanted to do, but it's what I had to do until he was ready to act like my husband. I told him that I would still be his friend and would still do anything for him or be there to talk about anything he needed to talk about.
A lot of other stuff was said. We talked for over an hour. It was initiated by him so that was good. I feel God gave me an opening last night and I needed to take advantage of it. He cried, I cried we held each other the entire time. We talked about how we got to where we are right now and I sincerely apologized for my part in the downfall of our marriage. I have apologized before, but he said last night that I never meant it before then. That I always prefaced it with "if I did. . ." He's probably right. I didn't use "if" last night. I actually started to and then caught myself and changed it.
He's scared to death of losing me as a friend. Told me he always wants us to remain close. I was honest and told him that I wasn't sure that was possible. He interprets that to mean that if I do find someone else that I will cut our friendship. I told him that we would always be friends in some capacity, but that if we were to split permanently and I moved on then I couldn't have the close emotional attachment to him that I have now. I let him know that I see where close emotional ties between members of the opposite sex can lead and that I couldn't be true to a new relationship and still have those close bonds with him as well. I also made sure he knew that I wasn't looking for that right now. That I'm standing for our marriage and that I'm in it for the long haul.
It was hard, but it was a good talk. I was glimpses of the old H. I know I've still got a long road ahead. I know he's no where near done with this, but a lot of things were said that needed said and hopefully he'll remember some of them.
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I'm glad that went well for you. Sounds like you made yourself clear without being a witch (always good). You did really good leaving the "if" off. Taking responsibility always makes YOU feel better regardless of how the other person views it. In his case it really seemed to matter.
Since you're in it for the long haul, I'm making some jello. Care to take a seat here on the curb?
Thanks Grace, but I don't like Jello (unless you're putting vodka in it, then we can talk!). The only time I got it as a kid is when I had a stomach virus so it reminds me of throwing up.
I will take a seat on the curb, however. I think I like it here. You people understand me :-)
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
H just called me (at work). He sounded completely down and said that he wanted to ask me a favor. I told him OK. You can ask me anything. He got quiet then said he wasn't going to ask me. I told him that I wasn't going to get mad or upset at him and that I would listen to what he wanted me to do for him. He got quiet again for a LONG time. I sat in silence with him for what seemed like an eternity and finally I said, "Are you going to ask me." He said "no" and I said OK, but you know you can if you want. Silence again. Then he finally said, "I want you to think really really really realy really really hard about (another long silence) me moving back and us trying to work things out."
I remained completely calm. And told him that I would think about it. That he knows I want us to work out, but that we can't work on us until he gets some things sorted out. Mainly I told him that OW has to be completely out of the picture. I told him that I wanted him to be completely done and over her before we could really think about us together because I wasn't going to be in a marriage with 3 people. I told him that I knew that wasn't going to be an easy thing for him to do as he's very attached to her and "in love" and it's not going to be just an "OK it's been nice knowing you!" type of a thing. I told him that I would wait for him to sort out his things. He thanked me and apologized for what he'd done and what he was doing (first time he's done that) and told me that I had done nothing to him besides be nice and kind to him through all of this.
He admitted that he's got a lot of stuff going on in his brain right now that he can't make sense of and he appreciates my patience while he works through it. I told him I would be there if he wanted to talk or vent or cry or hug or whatever, but that I couldn't do much more than that for him since this was something he was going to have to work out on his own. I never mentioned MLC or any of that. Just tried to be a calm patient and loving friend. He told me that he loved me and that he misses us so much (he really broke down crying when he said that). He said OW knows that too and senses it and he said he would probably have a serious talk with her tonight.
I have no illusions that this will be "it" though. I know it could take months longer than this for this to be really over. I'm glad I've read up and am prepared for that so that it doesn't come as a shock to me. It's still going to be hard, but at least I'm a little more prepared for it.
UGH! This is all so hard! I'll keep you guys posted.
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I just wanted to say that i think you handled the situation very well, you did not put pressure on your husband but yet let him know your boundaries with regards to OW being out of the picture. I truly hope that your husband makes his way back home.
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
Id be really carefull here as your H has a pattern of some pretty rapid fire cycling here.....I dont want to rain on your parade please understand.....MLC just doesnt go this fast......keep those expectations at zero.....for your own protection.....its so good you two are friends.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
PWS and Lissett, thanks for the advice. I am trying to remain calm. It's very hard as I'm sure you well know. Thanks for the heads up on the withdrawl after this. I've gotten very good at leaving him alone to do his own thing lately. Even though I'm new here I've been doing this for 7 months and I'm a quick learner.
I am trying to keep my expectations at zero. I know MLC is a SLOW process. It's very hard. I need help staying grounded and you guys are helping in that. Thanks!
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
You did good. I agree with the others, expectations at 0 and be very cautious and protect yourself. I see that you realize MLC is a slow process, so please stay seated with you hands and feet inside the car at all times.
