I think I would go with the thought he didn't hear you. Having said that though, I wouldn't say it again. I understand the nerves getting to you, but be careful you don't start being needy and pushy to get reassurances he can't give you now.
TabD, I agree with Grace... don't say it again. More than likely he heard you. I haven't told my XH I loved him for a long time. That doesn't change the fact that is what I feel in my heart... but I know that if I told him that he would panic and run like heck!
Let time pass.... if he says it, of course feel free to respond. Let your actions show love. For some reason (My XH at least) men find hearing someone say that they love them scares the (you know what) rihgt out of them. But showing them that you love them doesn't scare them as much.
Thanks for the suggestion and/or advice. I will not say it again. I thought since things were going well... but I guess I will have to wait for H to say it first.
I do say it everyday but not to him. I want the world to know I love him. I think that they do, then why can't H see it?
H went out last night and before he left gave me a big hug and a quick kiss... H hasn't done that in months... so I think that is his way so saying ILY... I guess read his actions. more than what he says!
I am so glad I found this place... I don't know where else to vent. Well I have HeartScared :o) Thanks HS, you are a life saver!!!
well going home on lunch maybe H will be awake, he didn't come in until 7a.m. gave me a line about how he fell asleep on a guys couch.. he seems really sympathetic. but you know they can do that and being lying to you... How do you really know the truth? I guess you don't.. but then that makes my mind wander and I start over thinking things!!!
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Is he breathing? He could be lying, but don't focus on it. It will either come to light for you to deal with or it won't. Personally,I just handle what's in front of me. I have no need to go chasing monsters. If one shows up, then I'll play vampire slayer. I think we've all got more than enough on our plates without trying to balance another one.
My guess is he knows you love him, but remember that just causes pressure on him to respond in a way he may not feel right now. You're right that actions speak ouder than words. Use that to give yourself some peace.
Grace, Thank you very much, your right, he is breathing. I can not trust what he says. I have let it go... You know I took this strenghts test... 1 of my main strengths was Adaptability... I think I am grateful that I have that... I can just go with the flow most of the time. but then another strength of mine is Restorative. which is someone who seeks out the problem and tries to find the resolution to it... so maybe they are playing against each other. I am not sure... I don't think I am sure of anything at this point in my life!
I know I can not and will not say ILY again. Yes I know he knows i love him and I really think he loves me... just a bit scared and/or confused right now. but it scares me.. if things are going so well... then why not? Oh heck maybe when all this crap is over with his mother things will smooth back out... who knows... only 3 weeks to go... I know he is bothered by this b/c H has been smoking like a pack a day.. which is not him. Usually a pack could last him 3 days. I offered that if he quit smoking I would "reward" him ... H asked how... I said for every day you don't smoke I will give you a BJ... H told me that sounds GREAT... but he is not ready to quit smoking. so I said ok... when he is ready, I will be here to help him... I don't want to push anything... b/c yes I know smoking is not good, but his smoking is something his mother has ALWAYS nagged him about... and I want to be the complete opposite of her.
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
My husband has had allnighters too after work. And I have dropped in on him and it has been a bunch of stupid guys scared their women were going to drop by. They are just thoughtless. I think they sometimes compete with the drinking and then just fall out and wake up sacred that they did not get home on time. My H recently did this on his birthday. Last year it was also his birthday and at his brother's house so he did not understand why I was upset, go figure.
My biggest concern is that my H is around people who will not know to check that he is breathing. That scares me really bad. I just don't understand why a grown person can not say no to shots? However, I have been praying on this for awhile and his tolerance level to alcohol is decreasing so I will take that as a wonderful sign.
Its a shame they try to drown their stress in alcohol.
I'm not even sure I'm alive at this point, I could be dead and living in Hell. I'm like you in that I like to fix things and I'm also verey adaptable (which makes me really good at fixing things!) So, where they can work against each other, mostly these two traits are awesome together. It's just that right now and in our current sitch's we don't get to use them....(somebody call the whaaaaamulance). I know how hard that is for me.....so, I can imagine it is for you too.
I like your reward system (made me LOL). And I think not being like his mom is an excellent idea.
HS, I know I'm from a slightly different era, but as long as you don't totally abuse it...I can be right there with drowning my stress in a few shots. This doesn't mean getting stupid drunk and or driving, but I have the T-shirt on that one since the bomb.
That is the difference, it seems to me that when my H gets around other men they don't know when to stop. It drives me nuts. If I say something too often I am nagging I don't want to do that because then he will feel like I am trying to control him like his father.
I feel the same way, about wanting to fix things and be adaptable. Its hard that we can't just fix our H. I always wish I could have just erased all the bad childhood memories my H has. I always take care to make sure he gets really nice stuff for Bdays and Christmas because they never had anything growing up. He really apreciates it too. He makes it a point to take care of everything I give him. He told me once that I was the only one who every spoiled him.
I wish I could replace those bad memories but I cant. Now that things are resurfacing I am not even sure how to comfort him all the time. Its really hard. I guess I am now adapting to these DBing techniques. They seem to be working. My H does not mention our R anymore when he talks about all the stress he is under. It used to be that I was the main culprit now I am not even part of it. I still need to help him get through all this though.
Ladies, Gone for a day and here you are chatting away
but I am there with HS, I wish that when H's go out that they are "responsible" I am not saying not to have a few drinks... but know when enough is enough. It is like they are trying to be teenager's again... and those of us in the "sane" world know that they are NO WHERE need close to being that. so it is really hard to sit back and watch.
As for my reward, I thought it was a good idea. And if not, some of you just got a good laugh
yes we need to be there for our H's... making sure they feel comfortable in their own homes and that is a place for them to turn to get "relief" it is so hard to do sometimes... it is like I just want to shake some effing sense in to H... but what will that do??? give him one damn big headache?
well Easter is upon us. H has to work all weekend so my D's and I are going to my parents for the weekend. we'll come home Sunday (easter) about the time H is getting home from work.. want to spend some time together. we all have Monday off... going to spend it together as a family. H has already made a point of saying that tonight when we went into his work for supper. He was in a good mood and talked to us at the table for about 15 mins... he doesn't usually do that... so then I made a point to ask if he should be doing something and we were keeping him from it... he said no... so I said if you have to go. please don't let us hold you back. basically trying to end the conversation and "leave" but I couldn't... we were in the middle of eating
Well had a good night other than that... came home... was with the kids for a while... then got them ready for bed. I made jello jiggler's in the egg molds... I don't think they were completely set up... b/c now I have broken eggs in a bowl... oh well... such is life... i am not going to cry over them. I would have in the past... but what good does that do?? the tears will just ruin the jello even more
well best head off to bed... I have a 3 hour drive tomorrow with D's (7 & 9)... should be GREAT fun!!! good thing I have a movie they can watch
have a GREAT EASTER!!!
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
