Shay, You just hit the quote thing, then past between them...
Focus on the positives, ok? It doesn't matter what you do regarding any of those things. Either H calls OW or he doesn't. Act as if he won't. HAVE FUN.
Sage refers to those negative thoughts coming up when we are ready to face them. So, maybe it is all about you and not about H. Maybe you are just ready to face those fears.
You are a goddess.... stop thinking that he wants to call her. He is with you, this man that you want is with YOU. Okay?? Go there, instead.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi everyone, Thanks HoldingOn for the wise words. I read your post right before I left for vacation and kept repeating the words "you are a goddess" and this really helps me get into my normal happy state of being to think this way. So....I had fun - I think H did too, he called from work yesterday saying he wanted to go back immediately. We are continuing the week starting tomorrow night. We did alot of boating and had friends down and went to the fireworks on the lake for a romantic boat cruise. So, I think for now I am not beating myself up and dont think he is calling anyone. He even asks me to go on errands to make me feel better - this used to stress me out and he would make calls on errands making silly runs to the store. That doesnt happen now anyway. He dropped off D7 last night at grandmas and took a while. I called my parents and they said he was in talking with them- so he then picked up something for me and came right home. So my mistrust was for nothing. We have been writing down our feeling to some difficult questions according to retrovaille- H is generally agreeable to this exercise. Last night I touched on this subject and he reassured me.
I find this interesting:
Quote: Sage refers to those negative thoughts coming up when we are ready to face them. So, maybe it is all about you and not about H. Maybe you are just ready to face those fears.
I find this interesting and want to think on this further!! thanks for the ideas! (and I think I actually did the quote thing)
I am finding some great stuff and want to post it here to reread it...this one really resonates:
Hi Wonder,
Greetings from the Other Side. *smile* What your particular brand of WA is thinking I can’t tell you, but for the sake of argument, let’s try to imagine a typical WA (also known as Walkawayus vulgaris) Not an almost-WA, but someone who actually left their family for an OP and is currently living with him or her. To simplify pronounification, let’s assume the WA is a man. Our WA has a wife and 2.2 children. He left his family, say, three months ago, and the reality of real life with real OP is already starting to creep in (as opposed to fanasy life with fantasy OP). He is starting to miss his wife and his 2.2 children.
So far, so obvious. His LBW, being a smart cookie, has meanwhile found this site and is DBing. Our WA notices all the positive changes she has made, and that adds to this misery. Now, he is faced with two choices. He could go back to his family (obviously) or stay with OP. Now, the rusty wheels of the WA mind begin to turn. He’s already badly hurt his wife, and he knows it. She may choose to forgive him, but she may never really do it. Or even worse, she might become a WA herself at some point (and after all, who could blame her). So in his eyes, he’s already thoroughly discredited himself in front of her.
As for OP, he’s been telling her for months what a terrible, stale, sterile marriage he was in. How his wife didn’t understand him, how they were together only for the children. He was quite eloquent, because he believed it himself at the time. Now, how to convey to OP that the terrible marriage might not have been so terrible after all, that he is torn up inside, and that he’s even considering going back? A big blow to his self-esteem and pride, and like it or not, those two things play a big factor in most men’s decisions. Not to mention that OP is probably in love with him, and he'd have to hurt her feelings, too. As far as he’s concerned, in order to go back, he’d have to make a fool out of himself in front of not only one, but two women, accept that he's made a lot of mistakes and caused a lot of pain. So he stumbles on, refuses to make a decision, alternates between burst of anger, tenderness and despair, and subconsciously hopes that someone, please, make the decision for him.
hi Shay, I havent "met" you before but somehow stumbled onto your thread, and boy do the phone call issues ring a bell with me....something I deal with over and over again that continues to drive me right up the wall. I'll be checking in to see how you handle this.......I need all the ideas I can get. I'm going to paste your last entry re the "why" to my thread so I can refer to it....I hadnt seen this before, but it sure helps answer a big question in my mind......... deb
Hi Deb, thanks for posting - i guess we will figure this out! what is the big deal about cell phones? and what is so damn interesting? anyway, i do best when i dont think about it. I read somewhere that your own ego causes you to beat yourself up and not allow yourself to forgive. I read a book called " I will never leave you" H liked it too. The author has been through it all and really lays out affairs in plain english. He said that an affair will never be a healthy relationship because they are based on dishonesty. I will have to refresh on this tonight. Very good stuff and H liked it too. One thing I dont get is that H is really all that sorry. He said he has to live with it the rest of his life, and a couple of times been really remorseful but i think he cant function with all the guilt and pain if he really let himself realize what he did. I guess he is in denial just to survive his own guilty feelings. Good luck Deb and one thing I keep thinking is that it is not my fault he chooses to hurt OR. I am not responsible for that and worrying about it makes it worse in that it makes it too hard for him to be with me if all it does is remind him of the pain of OR and the PA. LOL Shay
My H and I also went to Retrouvaille!! Looking back it was during his EA/PA, so it ended up not being as beneficial. I do think we could always start to dialogue again and pick up where we left off. Do you go to the CORE meetings? We don't, but I would like to.
The phone thing is huge for me. I wish we could just throw our cell phones away!! I love what Pen wrote.
My H is definately waiting for me to make the decision. Everytime I tell him I am "done" H wakes up for a moment and then falls back into the "I don't know" phase.
Nik, I noticed that anytime I acted like, OK that is it, H would come running back, afraid he made a big mistake if he loses me. It is so hard to get there without really being "done". I remember walking out of a really bad counseling session where H said he wasnt feeling better and hadnt talked to OW in 3 weeks and wasnt feeling better and acted like a jerk, he called me immediately saying I was beautiful and all this stuff. I am still angry at how he acted and this was 2 yrs ago. H claims he doesnt want to see that counselor again because of how he acted. I still remember the MC saying "wives need to be cherished" and H with that stone face . So I can relate to that.
Retrovaille was pretty good- very gruelling emotionally. We were pretty far down the path and coming back to reconcile when we went a few months ago. So in that respect we were a little better off. If we had gone earlier it would likely have been a waste of time. We have gone to 2 follow up sessions- they are decent. We missed 2 because of vacation. I feel bad about that. But we have great vacations this year for a change . I think the dialogue stuff helps me a little but I cry almost everytime . Just alot of pent up stuff I guess.
Will I ever stop thinking about the PA? the deceit>? the hurt!!!! I have to get there and there must be a way. I think maybe the dialogue- ing will lessen the weight of all that.
We went to lake, H hurt his back, acting weird but really in lots of pain. He was almost in a panic. ME: I wondered if he was calling the XOW, kind of crazy since cell doesnt work there and the phones dont call long distance- so impossible really. It justs shows any time H is acting different I go into suspicious mode. I pulled it together and took care of him and iced his back down. Over all a great time- it is so nice to go on a family trip and actually have fun. It is funny how you dont appreciate it until you have been through the opposite!!!
Glad you had a good vacation overall. The suspicion is such a knee jerk reaction. I do it all the time!
When there is another Retrouvaille in your area you can go to make up the sessions you missed. It is well worth it. If my H wakes up soon it would be nice to go to the CORE meetings 1x/month.
Say a prayer, I told H he needs to make a decision by the end of the month or I will. Not very DBing but after 2 yrs. I am ready for this roller coaster ride to be over.
Thanks Nik! I had a minor setback on Friday with the dialogue thing - a contraversial topic and then I revisited it with H to see how he "felt" about it. He shutdown and I so Hate that and he said he was telling himself he wasnt being attacked. And he definitely wasnt. Not a good drive to the lake- I was really upset the whole time. I dont know why I take this so hard but I keep thinking we will be able to address the PA and take it in stride as in be able to refer to it without a ton of pain around it. H keeps saying he feels bad about himself. I then start thinking its because he is calling the OW again. But I have no other reason to think that - no suspicious behavoir. We got a ton of work done at the lake- H kind of grouchy when he works and steered clear of getting blamed for anything related to his frustration- H is working very much on this anyway. As we drove home he said he "liked me and I was a good woman" kind of a funny thing but made me feel good . Nothing else to report- as we drove back to Cincinnati, I just felt this weight fall on my shoulders- kind of reality of what has happened and I realize how much I hold on to. I have to focus on today- and communicating, living, smiling and connecting with my Ds and friends. This is a short list of goals I guess. have a great day everyone!
Good luck Nik! Hope you have what you want this time.
anyway, i do best when i dont think about it. I read somewhere that your own ego causes you to beat yourself up and not allow yourself to forgive. I read a book called " I will never leave you" H liked it too. The author has been through it all and really lays out affairs in plain english. He said that an affair will never be a healthy relationship because they are based on dishonesty. I will have to refresh on this tonight. Very good stuff and H liked it too. One thing I dont get is that H is really all that sorry. He said he has to live with it the rest of his life, and a couple of times been really remorseful but i think he cant function with all the guilt and pain if he really let himself realize what he did. I guess he is in denial just to survive his own guilty feelings. Good luck Deb and one thing I keep thinking is that it is not my fault he chooses to hurt OR. I am not responsible for that and worrying about it makes it worse in that it makes it too hard for him to be with me if all it does is remind him of the pain of OR and the PA.
for a change 
. I think the dialogue stuff helps me a little but I cry almost everytime 
. Just alot of pent up stuff I guess. 