Shay's condensed saga: M 18 yrs, D14, D12, D7... 2001 H drops bomb that he has a EA at work and we are not getting along for a long time- news to me 2002 H has PA for about 3 weeks, we go to counseling, I am devastated. H lives with his sister from Oct on. Lies and says he is not seeing OW while he makes up his mind I work on me, run a marathon, drop 25 pounds and get into shape. I act as if and get a life although I am depressed. I dont tell the kids and try to pretend its all OK for them- not a very good actress on my part. 2003- I turn 40. H and I date. F finally tells OW he wants to be with me but I dont know it yet. H moves back in in the fall and we tiptoe our way through reconcilement. 2004 I catch him calling her again in April. He needs to talk to her and becomes obsessive about it. He gives me his cell phone and promises to be honest and not call her. We go to Retrovaille with some positive changes.
Whew, when will it ever end??? I guess for right now we get along pretty well, we connect a little more everyday. We just got back from a 10 day trips to Florida and going next week to our lake house in TN with the whole gang.
I am thankful every day that we have another chance and am happier than I have been in years! However, I struggle every hour of every day with whether H is calling that tramp again. I dont quite know how to get off that kick or even what to do. I sense something is up but I could be wrong. I asked H on a scale of 1 to 10 how he was doing with this and he said about an 8. I have been really hurt, I have made R mistakes, I have heard H realize how much he hurt us and this made me feel better. Should I keep pursuing him about where he stands with this rediculous calling? He says he probably talked to OW 5 times all of last year. I think maybe the moving back thing stressed him out and gave him doubts. Retrouvaille was good at this juncture. We got some things in writing about our past and understood eachother prety well. Some healing did occur. I felt better after that than I have in a long time. I continue to take anti-D meds to even myself out. Some of you know I was pretty low. But ever the optimist even to the point of putting my head in the sand. H calls alot, tells me where he has been, sex is very good. He even said so . Trust is a huge issue for me. How do I make it better???? This has been a long journey but one I think is worth it. Kids are great, they have lived through my despondant behavior, shutting down, not talking and sensing why. H once said he had no credability with anyone but the kids. I dont know if he realizes how hard it was to preserve this by not telling them about the details. I would love to hear anyone's views or comments - Have a great day LOL Shay
Hi, girlfriend! Good to "see" you again! Sorry H still has unresolved issues about the OW BUT - we all know it can take a really long time for things to die down. Is there something you could ask him to do that would make you feel better? For me, it was my H sending OW a letter saying he didn't want her to contact him ever again. Mind you, he still dawdled over it even after he agreed to it - but once he finally did it, I felt much better. I see it as a manifestation of the "one toe out the door" syndrome - just keeping the door to the marriage open a crack in case something better comes along. For my H, this was really important for him to understand - that this was tied up with a bigger issue of "longing" in his life - and with his fear of abandonment (therefore hedging his bets in case I dumped him).
You crack me up Ellie ... doesnt this ring a bell !!
sometimes this keeps me sane! I almost made him call her in front of me to make that announcement but he has told her that so many times b4...seemed kind of a waste of effort. Good to "see" you too. Well, I am leaving early today- going home to relax and run off the chili and spaghetti lunch...
We are getting ready to go to the lake for a 5 day weekend. I have some really bad feelings about everything that has happened and they have recently surfaced. I cant figure out if they were caused by something- the only think I can think is that I "expect" H to call the OW since he has spoken to her every few months all of last year and recently in March. I am waiting for the ball to drop and keep thinking he is lying when I ask him. I have no reason other than that. No suspicious behavior. I am not happy that H now has a blackberry through work that everyone got that is at a certain level. It has a phone on it, which H just learned to use on Tuesday and he called me today on it. That means he now has a phone in his car again and I am afraid that will lead to the phone calls again. He also hasnt moved his cell phone over to the family bill and I still have that. Why wont he move it? Since April he was going to get his wedding ring resized and that hasnt happened. Too busy, took it one place and hated the lady there and afraid to leave it. Then says he will do it this week when I asked saying he was just thinking about it. He says it is a good outward sign to wear it and it makes me happy too. So, I dont know if I am being negative or what to do to fix it - or do nothing. Should I move the bill myself? I know he doesnt use it. I have it. Also, he had a phone card from before that I had to take. He admitted to using it before supposedly a while ago. I guess if we were better at communication he wouldnt need this outlet. I think we are getting better at that. Also, in one of our writing sessions he said he found it hard to talk to me about other women. It made him feel diminished like he was a bad person. He struggles with what is acceptable like noticing a woman and what is unacceptable- like ogling a woman. He is trying to figure out what is ok, says he "wants to tell me about women he sees but feels uncomfortable and why does he feel the need to tell me anyway?"
So, I am finishing up here at work: goals:
dont bring out bad feelings by talking or nagging on vacation
OK this is a big enough goal to just about cover it!!
. Trust is a huge issue for me. How do I make it better???? This has been a long journey but one I think is worth it. Kids are great, they have lived through my despondant behavior, shutting down, not talking and sensing why. H once said he had no credability with anyone but the kids. I dont know if he realizes how hard it was to preserve this by not telling them about the details. I would love to hear anyone's views or comments - Have a great day
... doesnt this ring a bell !!
