Mom, I have been reading about how difficult "child-centered" marriages can be. Just from your post, it seems like you may be in the child-centered place. A lot of us are. Specifically, read Dr. Shirley Glass' great book "Not Just Friends" for more info.
Are you making time for your R? Is your H's reaction to all the family events due to wanting more time with you, alone? Does he have any say in where and when the family goes places?
Thanks MicheleTW -- I will check out the book. I think you are right that his LL is quality time. I will say that yes, it's true that we definitely don't spend enough time on us. I think that really came home to me in September when we were an "angel couple" at a retrouvaille weekend. Prior to the weekend, I was feeling so restless and unhappy -- disconnected from dh. By Sunday night we were feeling so close and intimate. We agreed on the need to keep up with our dialoguing and date nights. BUT we haven't done it! We've only dialogued a couple of times in the past month and I don't think we've had a single date night.
It is very frustrating, but it's very difficult. DH doesn't have a say in where and when the family goes places because he doesn't have any interest in going anywhere or doing anything. If I suggest a date night for us he'll agree amiably -- as long as I plan where we're going, what we're doing, and line up a babysitter. Well, I'm sick of being the person responsible for all of it, so I don't do it very often.
BTW, on our retro weekend, dh was signing his letters "I love you" by Sunday afternoon. I was more disturbed than happy, and when he started saying "ILY" again the following week, I wasn't very enthusiastic in my replies to him. The next weekend I confessed to him my feelings that I was afraid he was only saying it because I had shared with him how ready I was to throw in the towel on our marriage. He didn't rush to reassure me, but did say that he had noticed my lukewarm reception and thought perhaps he had waited too long to say it again and that I didn't feel as though I loved him anymore. I told him that no, I do love him, but was just gun-shy, so to speak. So ever since we've been saying ILY again to each other, but I still don't trust that his feelings are true.
This is ending up to be a depressing post, when it should be a happier one. Sigh. Okay, okay, I will DEFINITELY make date night a SACRED, at LEAST once-a-month occasion, and FORCE myself to make more time alone with dh. It's not that it's a big sacrifice -- I just have so many demands on my time, that it seems like one sometimes. That's so pitiful.
What if you started making manageable lists like some of us do in Piecing - goals for doing DH's LLs, and how you fulfilled each one... It seems unmanageable to find time to do all these things, until you write them down and realize that doing at least 1 of each LL a day isn't all that difficult to manage on a daily basis.
What if you focused on filling DH's love tank, instead of focusing on his filling yours, and letting him step up to the plate on his own time? I am learning the hard way that when I am not feeling fulfilled, it is usually because I have stopped fulfilling S. because I am too busy whining!
It's so hard to trust after they come back - believe me, I know. I struggle with trusting on an hourly basis, and usually find myself in some pretty ridiculous situations based on my assumptions. But allow DH to show you - you have to give him room to in order for him to do that.
Great advice. What you give is what you get, and being selfless (filling spouse's tank without asking for return) is something I know I don't do enough of. When I do, I do get the feedback I'm usually looking for.
Well, things are going very well for us! We just finished being an angel couple at a retrouvaille weekend (www.retrouvaille.com) for the second time. What an incredible program it is!!
At home things are much improved, with me being more willing to come right out and ask dh to do chores instead of hinting and being mad he doesn't do them. One of the presenting couples last weekend made me realize that when I don't sit still with dh and relax but instead buzz around doing things, I'm really trying to guilt him into helping me. It doesn't work, I get mad, and dh feels lonely that I never relax with him. DUH! So this week he has done more around the house following our weekend than he has in months!
We've been dating a lot over the past several months, and I *almost* feel as though he really, truly loves me again and isn't just saying it. He reiterated this past weekend that he does love me, he isn't just saying it, and he's in this marriage forever. I can't quite bring myself to believe it 100% but I'm getting there.
Thanks slowly! Believe me, it's taken a loooooong time for me to learn to simply ASK for what I want -- help with chores, sex, a date, a gift...if I ask, it usually magically happens!
Slowly